I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

Archive for June, 2007

Well, now I’m screwed OR I’m about to become evil Cookie Monster

I now have a vending machine in my office. Not like, a little hotel sized ‘here, buy yourself a mini toothbrush cuz we know you forgot yours, you ass-monkey’ vending machine. No. A big, huge, fake glow, humming loudly, motherfucking vending machine. Full of fun things. Chips, chocolate bars, cookies, Ritz crackers with bloody cheese. They are now going to stare at me all day. I’m going to become obese. The reason it is in my office is unimportant, all you need to know is that it just is.

The warm glow is too much. The humming is everpresent, calling to me. The scene of a tropical beach right next to the Coca-Cola logo is too compelling. It’s so easy. It’s so close. I’ve resigned to a life of waddling and floral muumuu’s already. Type II diabetes? Bring it on. It’s so worth the Miss Vickie’s Sea Salt & Vinegar chips every day. I’m a salty snack girl, so those will probably be my demise. Oh, goodbye waist. Goodbye ability to see my own feet. I’ll have to start saving now to buy myself one of those mini cranes to hoist my completely Oreo-padded arse out of bed.

There might be a freedom to all of that though. I mean, once I reach like, 300 lbs or so, I probably won’t give a shit anymore. I’ll leave the house, all chocolate covered and scream ‘What??’ as crumbs of god knows what fly out of my mouth at the children who stare and point. Then they’ll cry and hide behind the defined knees of their mommies. But, I won’t care. I’ll mumble something and waddle over to the nearest mmmmmmuffins and buy myself a half-dozen of the super mega triple chocolate chunk brownie, filled with cream kind. I can wear flip flops, day-in and day-out, cuz my fat feet won’t be confined by shoes.

On the other hand, maybe I won’t become an obese monster. Maybe, I’ll just become this kind of monster (I’m gonna be the one in blue):

I’m all: “Give me the cookies, bitch!”  

She’s all: “For God’s sake Talea! You’ve already eaten them all! All I have left is my small creepy child, and you’ve freaked him out so much he’s muttering ‘RedRum’ all day! You need help! I HAVE NO MORE COOKIES!”

 Clearly, this vending machine in my office will only lead to bad places.

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C’est moi…..apparently


My personalDNA Report

Ways to make yourself look like an ass-monkey*

1) Wear your half-eaten sandals to work. Parts will fall off and you will leave a trail of debris behind you, courtesy of your five month old puppy at home. You will look classy.

2) Have the Xerox guy come to fix the copier and be all, “I just moved it and it got all stupid and stopped working”. Then, after questioning, admit that no, you didn’t turn off the machine before moving it, cuz the wires were long enough. Yeah, yeah, I probably should have turned it off.

3) Having the Xerox guy then fix your stupidity by simply jiggling the copier. I was praising him, all, “Oh thanks so much! That’s so great! What’d you do?” “I just jiggled it”. This is especially assmonkey-ish, since you have just been chastised for moving the machine without unplugging it.

4) Marching triumphantly into your bosses office, brandishing a rare rare power cord. Put said powercord on her desk and say, “Here! For safe keeping, you hang  on to it!” She will then point out that it’s not a power cord. You’ll say, “Yes it is! Look! You plug it in one end, it plugs into the wall on the other end.” She’ll say, “But it isn’t three pronged.” You’ll sigh and say, “Of course it is! Look! Three prongs!” And then she’ll say, “Yes, three prongs, but that’s not the right configuration. That’s what you use to plug computers in with”. Then you say, “Oh. Uh. Ahem. Right.”

 *Ass-monkey is totally my trademark. Don’t try and take it. Or I’ll kill you. You ass-monkey, you.

Ways to feel SOOOOO good about yourself:

Have a guy you work with come up to you and say, “I’m sorry to have overheard, but I heard you with your parents, and I just wanted to say that I’d give a lot to have a daughter like you, your parents don’t know how lucky they are, they shouldn’t be arguing with you, they should be happy for you.”

HA! Take THAT parental unit! Really, that made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Ways to laugh at how funny life is:

Go out for brunch on Saturday morning (Little India, Queen West, SOOOO good, you must go there!). Return to find this:

Yeah. That was formerly a library book. She then ate my sunglasses. My Prada sunglasses. All you can do is laugh folks, all you can do is laugh. So I did.

Acts of kindness

This morning on my usual walk through an alley to get to the subway station, I passed by the same Starbucks I always do.  But this time, I saw something very heartwarming.

One of the barista’s from Starbucks was heading outside with his platter of little frappuccino samples. But instead of going to Queen Street where the masses walk by, he headed straight over to the side of the little walkway, to a homeless man who was sleeping there. He bent over, said something to the guy, and offered him several of the sample cups. That made me smile. Sure, it might seem frivolous and perhaps this guy would benefit more from some bread and water, but why shouldn’t he be allowed to indulge himself in orange creme blended frappuccino’s too? I’m sure he appreciated it. And it put me in a lovely mood this morning.

Acts of kindness. You just have to pay attention, I guess. Even Starbucks has a soul.

 Starbucks: Approved by the Saviour Himself

Now HE needs a seatbelt

If you will remember, I recently had an altercation with gravity. I lost. Apparently though, my curse continues. Last night, I was lying on the couch trying to nap while the boyfriend was playing with the puppy. I heard her throw her toy onto the ground, and a few seconds later I hear a stunted ‘Whoa!’ I opened my eyes to see a full grown, 28 year old man rolling himself off the couch. He just fell right off. And since we live in such a fucking sardine can, he managed to smash his elbow on the TV, the speaker and the wine bar all on the way down, then land on said elbow.

For a few moments, I was concerned, as it was obvious he was in serious pain. However, after I confirmed he could indeed move the arm and nothing was broken, I was in hysterics. Dying of laughter. I couldn’t breathe. The mental image was too priceless. In the eight years we’ve been together, I don’t ever recall seeing him fall down. And here he was, throwing himself off a couch for a purple, slobbery, squeaky dolphin shaped dog toy. Awesome.

Falling down is the funniest shit there is.

I wasted a good 5 minutes on this.

Funny Mind Trick

I need a seatbelt.

I love the TTC. No really, I do. I know most people grumble about it, but clearly those people have never tried to live on transit in any city other than Toronto. If they had, they would realize how good they have it. However, I digress. The TTC is basically my second home. I spend a good chunk of my day underground, on the subway, with the masses.

I was doing just that yesterday night. Sitting on the backwards facing seat on the subway, chatting sarcastically with a friend, being all non-chalant and witty and such. Doo dee doo. Chat, chat, chat. Then the train started going a bit too fast for it’s tracks and turns and starting jerking a bit. Yeah, okay, whatever, the train always jerks, you get used to it.

So…chat, chat, chat, bump, bump, jerk, screech……annnnnnnnnnnd BOOM.

I fell. Right onto my ass. Left cheek to be exact. What is most impressive about this, is that I was already sitting. The train jerked to the left, I jerked to the right, went up and over a tad, and landed straight on my fat ass. To the amusement of all. I fell. Off my seat. In front of dozens of people, who were all looking at me, cuz I was facing backwards. Classy. Maybe I should sue the TTC for lack of seatbelts or dangerous driving or something.

Sadly (strangely?), the first thing I thought was, ‘Thank God for my increasingly fat/badonkadonk ass’. Cuz seriously, it’s been growing. It may have something to do with the fact that I eat things like this, on a nearly daily basis:

Badonkadonk contributor

In fact, I ate something very close to this particular specimen just hours before my falling down. Thank goodness, too, cuz I needed the padding. I went down pretty good. I then laughed about it for hours.

I’ve never seen anybody do that. I’ve never seen anybody fall out of their seat on the subway. I, ladies and gentlemen, belive I am a pioneer in that field. And because of that, I have no shame. Clearly…..since I’ve just told the whole word what a loser I am. And no, I wasn’t inebriated. Just gravitationally overcome is all.

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