I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

1) Wear your half-eaten sandals to work. Parts will fall off and you will leave a trail of debris behind you, courtesy of your five month old puppy at home. You will look classy.

2) Have the Xerox guy come to fix the copier and be all, “I just moved it and it got all stupid and stopped working”. Then, after questioning, admit that no, you didn’t turn off the machine before moving it, cuz the wires were long enough. Yeah, yeah, I probably should have turned it off.

3) Having the Xerox guy then fix your stupidity by simply jiggling the copier. I was praising him, all, “Oh thanks so much! That’s so great! What’d you do?” “I just jiggled it”. This is especially assmonkey-ish, since you have just been chastised for moving the machine without unplugging it.

4) Marching triumphantly into your bosses office, brandishing a rare rare power cord. Put said powercord on her desk and say, “Here! For safe keeping, you hang  on to it!” She will then point out that it’s not a power cord. You’ll say, “Yes it is! Look! You plug it in one end, it plugs into the wall on the other end.” She’ll say, “But it isn’t three pronged.” You’ll sigh and say, “Of course it is! Look! Three prongs!” And then she’ll say, “Yes, three prongs, but that’s not the right configuration. That’s what you use to plug computers in with”. Then you say, “Oh. Uh. Ahem. Right.”

 *Ass-monkey is totally my trademark. Don’t try and take it. Or I’ll kill you. You ass-monkey, you.

Ways to feel SOOOOO good about yourself:

Have a guy you work with come up to you and say, “I’m sorry to have overheard, but I heard you with your parents, and I just wanted to say that I’d give a lot to have a daughter like you, your parents don’t know how lucky they are, they shouldn’t be arguing with you, they should be happy for you.”

HA! Take THAT parental unit! Really, that made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Ways to laugh at how funny life is:

Go out for brunch on Saturday morning (Little India, Queen West, SOOOO good, you must go there!). Return to find this:

Yeah. That was formerly a library book. She then ate my sunglasses. My Prada sunglasses. All you can do is laugh folks, all you can do is laugh. So I did.

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