Kids are overrated for saying blunt, unexpected things. If you really want to be shellshocked, you’ve gotta get into a conversation with an old person. They’ve seen it all, and they don’t care anymore, which makes for some great sound bytes. The following is a classic example.
The boyfriends grandma came out with the announcement last week that she is moving five hours away. Which is weird, cuz she’s getting older, she lives on her own and has a new grandchild on the way, and is moving farther away from her family whereas most people move closer when they age. But she’s an extraordinarily independent woman (she got divorced at 60, and took back her maiden name) so I have no doubt she’ll fare just fine.
So we went over to her house for a last meal before she leaves, and consumed platefuls and platefuls of dumplings and yummy Hungarian chicken. During this meal the topic of conversation was the move, among other things. Some of the classics she came out with:
- “I cannot stand to live near my daughter. She is a liar.”
- “I’m going to die soon. I need a change.”
- When we explained to her that yes, we’ve been together seven and some years now, but no, we aren’t getting married because it’s too damn expensive and it doesn’t make a difference anyways, her response was, “Good. Marriage is just a piece of paper. Stupid.”
- When we discovered a picture with someone we didn’t recognize and asked who it was, she goes, “My sister. Give that back!” Us: “You have a sister?” Her: “Sister. Give that back.” She then hurriedly stashed it into an envelope and flung it into a box.
- “The cheaper apartment was near a funeral home. No way I’m living there.”
- “I’m not taking my phone with me. It has too many buttons. They are all programmed to people who are now dead.”
- She doesn’t have any female grandchildren, so since this new grandchild is supposed to be a girl, we asked if she’d come back for the birth. Her answer: “No. I will be too busy. She will still be a girl in a few months. I will come then.”
- “I don’t know why my daughter can’t get herself together. I did when I got divorced, and I was sick in my head! She has no excuse. She’s just crazy.”
- “I’ve seen all of Toronto. Nothing to see, so I move.”
- “Stop eating now. I want some for tomorrow. Here, I take it away.”
She’s awesome. Seriously awesome. Although it took me three years to be able to even know if she was speaking English or Hungarian, now that I understand her english, I’m going to miss talking with her.