Hello gym. I have a few issues. I’d like to share these with you, but in the name of fairness I’m going to do it in a public venue, however, I will not release your name. Except to say, it rhymes with Witness Fun. Ahem.
1.) Nobody likes going to the gym. So, when I do show up to the gym, I’m not really all jolly-like. It would be fantastic if you could hire someone that takes a little less crack in their coffee. I do not want to be greeted as follows: “Hiiiii-eeeeeeeee! How ARE you?!?!?!” accompanied by raised eyebrows and an intent stare. This level of perkiness with this high pitched voice is enough to make both milk curdle and me punch your receptionist directly in the face. Please, train your receptionists that people use your services because they are unhappy with their fat selves, and not because they have fun when they swing by.
2.) Please, for the love of all things holy, turn OFF the hip hop. It is not motivating. Grunts, obscene language and general mumbling about bitches and ho’s doesn’t make me want to really get that last rep out. It makes me depressed, thinking about how our society embraces this music as an ideology, where everytime you turn around a rapper is getting arrested for a drive-by. Put on some rock. Or, at the very least, some poppy shit. At least it has a consistent beat. Some lyrics that are actually english. Just a thought.
3.) Get a damned water fountain! Come on now! I mean, that’s just bloody common sense. It’s a gym, for fuck’s sake. I get thirsty. And I’m not about to pay a buck for a bottle of water. Instead, I will go drink from the tap in the bathroom using my hand as a ladle and make your bathroom counter a wet, filthy mess. Ha. Hahahahaha. And I’ll leave it like that until you realize you should get a fountain.
4.) Fix that stupid chest press machine. It’s been broken for like, a year and a half. Seriously.
5.) Stop hiring waif-thin Swedes to work there. Seeing these emaciated blondes running around, while sipping their terribly fattening venti hoopa doopa cappuccinno/lattes is very depressing. Also, I believe it puts them at a higher risk for becoming a murder victim. One day, a chubby bride-to-be is just going to lose it with her flab and your Kate Moss body-double is gonna get it.
6.) Please tell me why you have hired a man to be the manager of my ALL LADIES gym. Yes, I know he’s flaming. He may very well believe he is female. But, he isn’t. Therefore, he defeats the purpose of me signing up for a gym where no men will be present. Please fire him. He can go get a job at Hooters. It’s just down the street and he’s equally grossly unqualified to work there, which seems to be his thing. And if they don’t fire them, he can sue them for discriminating against guys. It’s the best thing for everyone involved.
7.) Stop calling my cell phone to check on how my progress at the gym is going. It’s none of your business. I pay you every month to use your facilities, not to humiliate myself by admitting that I continue to grow a badonkadonk ass despite my membership. Plus, I think the same girl that greets me at the door (see complaint #1) is the one that makes the phone calls. This is annoying.
8.) Why oh why do you have pictures of naked breasts at eye level right when I enter the change room? Yes, I know, you’re doing it for good reason, to teach women how to check for lumps. That is good. But could you give me a second to like, take off my shoes at least? Or hire someone with slightly smaller nipples? My god.
9.) Please update your magazines. Everyone knows this is imperative at gyms. Magazines must be current. Nobody cares about what Sienna Miller wore to the MTV awards last year. They all care about what she wore THIS year. And bald Britney is old news. If I must subject myself to your stupid treadmills, I should at least be treated to the latest and greatest in celebrity stupidity.
10.) Why aren’t I skinny again yet? Geez. Work on this, please.
That is all.