I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

The following is a minute by minute account of the average day in my work life. It is fascinating. You’d better sit down, just in case. 

8:45 AM – Time at which I am required to report to work.

9:00 AM – Arrive at work.

9:00-9:10 AM – Chat about latest goings-ons with awesome friend, latest stupid-ass moves by our boss and latest gossip of clients.

9:10-10:30 AM – Go to office, settle in. Peruse the wonders of the Interweb. Obsessively stalk around facebook for a while, obsessively check blog stats, read other people’s blogs, chat on MSN, defer clients to manager, check facebook again, try to think of something funny to write in blog. Listen to bosses utterly confusing requests. Tune out of her droning, but try not to let eyes glaze over too much.

10:30-10:50 AM – Well deserved break time. Head over to awesome friend’s reception area and have a yogurt or a coffee. Laugh at people on facebook. Laugh at idiots calling in. Make fun of stupid people we have to greet in reception. Often subjected to hearing the sexual goings on of one particular client. Grin and bear it, try to keep vomit within confines of mouth.

10:50-12:00 NOON – Actually do some work. No, I’m serious. But of course, keep interweb running in the background in case something hilarious and fantastic happens.

12:00 – 1:00 PM – Sit at reception while awesome friend takes her lunch break. Pass judgement on people who come in and wait. Become very agitated with people who phone in. Surf through other people’s blogs, realize too many of them are all ‘prraaaaaise Jesus’y and resort to playing Minesweeper. Say, ‘One moment please’ several dozen times in a high pitched voice I do not recognize as my own. It is Secretary Talea voice.

1:00-1:15 PM – Awesome friend retrieves mail from downstairs, puts it in my office and comes back to the reception area, where we chat. About…..whatever. Devise plan to remove boss. Gripe about more annoying clients.

1:15-1:30 PM – Sort the mail for 60+ companies. Yell at people who hover behind me. Mail is never done before 1:30! Go away! No! You cannot look through these piles just for your stupid crap. Yes, yes you ARE too early. Note it is 1:30 and this is only the second bout of work I have accomplished.

1:30-1:35 PM – Daily visit from office flirt. Roll eyes as he walks past to his mail folder, saying “Let’s see if you’ve been a bad girl today” in reference to him discovering whether or not he has received cheques or bills. Do not respond. This only encourages him. Pretend to be insanely busy while he walks past again, then make ‘vomiting with rage’ gesture to nobody but myself.

1:35 PM – Stutter ‘Uh….yeah….well, see……nevermind, go check your mail’ when caught making vomiting with rage gesture by other client.

1:36 PM – Cringe. Ask self, ‘Self? Why are you such an empty headed swamp donkey?’

1:37 – 2:30ish PM – Have lunch. This almost always consists of a can of soup. Mmmmmm. Soupalicious. Inhale soup while facebooking/blogging/reading/doing crosswords. Ignore all incoming phone calls. Yell at awesome friend for phoning during precious food consumption time. Walk around a bit, being sure to check out the latest offering of freaks and geeks in the reception area.

2:30 PM – Reach a state of mild concern at the fact that there actually appears to be some work that needs doing. Hmmmm. Ponder how this happened.

2:30 PM – 3:15ish PM – Deal with aforementioned work.

3:15 – 3:30 PM – Fix photocopier which has decided to go all apeshit on client. Open and close compartments, swear when burning oneself on the fuser, grumble, jokingly (but not really) tell client that they should never be allowed to touch photocopier again, locate piece of jam-causing paper deep within bowels of machine. Remove paper with much ado. Slam open compartment closed and ask God why he did not bless us with the capability to make a photocopy machine that isn’t a jerk.

3:30 – 3:45 PM – Recover from stressful photocopy machine event by having a snack of some sort.

3:45 – 3:50 PM – Receive phone call from awesome friend informing me that Super Annoying Client is on the phone for me, and she is just warning me. Thank her. Ignore incoming phonecall from Super Annoying Client. Stare at phone for a minute, waiting for the voicemail notification light. Ah, there it is. Log into voicemail. Delete message before listening to it.

3:50 PM – Start noticing a mounting feeling of euphoria. It’s only just over an hour before hometime!

3:51 – 4:20ish PM – Do some more work. This usually involves restarting the battle with the photocopier or running some random errand, or fixing latest snafu committed by boss.

4:20 – 4:30 PM – Listen to completely disgusting, vulgar and totally work-inappropriate conversation boss is having across the hall. Correction, not having – shouting. Provide live-time description of conversation to awesome friend via MSN. Stifle giggles and urges to vomit with disgust.

If I was a pumpkin, this is what I would look like if I was doing what I wanted to be doing. Puking with disgust.

4:30-4:35 PM – Run into reception area and jump up and down, whispering ‘Ew ew ew!’ in reference to above converstaion.

4:35 PM – Stop jumping immediately and try to regain some composure and dignity when caught by clients walking through. Smile and wave. Charm them with my ravishing good looks so they will forget I’m a total fucktard.

4:36 – 4:50 PM – Clean up office. Move around a few pieces of paper to give that ‘I worked hard’ kind of look to desk. Check facebook one last time, to receive any glowing compliments which may have been left for me.

4:50 – 5:00 PM – Turn off computer, close office door. Go to reception area and clean up around awesome friend as she directs the last calls of the day. Pack up her shit so as to make most efficient exit possible at the strike of 5:00 PM. Turn off lights, grab outgoing mail, run for door.

5:01 PM – Leave work, run to elevator lobby and stab frantically at button for down elevator, so as to get on elevator unnoticed by boss. Or more important, to get on elevator before boss shows up and rides elevator with us.

5:04 PM – Drop off mail.

5:05 PM – Board our lovely TTC Subway and ride along.

5:15 PM – Time we are allowed to leave work. At this point, we’re usually somewhere around Eglinton Station.

I Heart my Job.

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