I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

Stupid celebrities.

Seriously. Why are they so damned stupid?

All the rest of us are able to grasp simple concepts like designated drivers, keeping our legs shut to avoid pregnancies, and just saying no to white powders offered up to us on mirrors or dollar bills. Most of us remember to put on our panties in the A.M., and if we’re a bit more adventurous and don’t want to wear said undergarments, we at least don’t wear short, ass-hanging-out skirts.

We’re able to control our throwing-phones-at-people-who-piss-us-off reflex, we tend not to drop our babies all that often, don’t normally see weddings as something to do on an otherwise slow Friday night, or mouth off about some charity/cause/event that we know nothing about but feel we are important enough to erroneously represent. We don’t require 17 strangers to assist us in raising our kids/small dogs/ adopted African countries.


Just call her Super Mom. And why is there a hard hat falling in the background? Britney’s well-deserved helmet perhaps?

We manage to keep our rehab visits to once a year, manage to keep our cars intact for more than three weeks and keep family secrets where they belong…..well under the rug. 

So why can’t celebrities figure this shit out?


Because Oprah has insisted and brainwashed us all into telling people they’re special. That’s why. In our Oprah-ized world, we all think that everyone is special. Your feelings are special, your thoughts are important, your views and beliefs aren’t wrong they’re just different and we should be glad to be exposed to such diverse insights. Mistakes are learning opportunities (true, but how many car crashing, drunk driving, divorce learning opportunities does one normally require?). No, you needn’t actually do anything productive or useful in society, practicing yoga and finding your inner self is enough, and it’s totally worth the millions you somehow manage to stumble upon.

People, these celebrities AREN’T SPECIAL! They are just doing their jobs! Like us. Getting grossly overpaid, unlike us, but nonetheless, stop rewarding them for being morons! They do not deserve cookies everytime they turn around! It maddens me that everyday Joes like you and I get educated, work our tails off, and still have to seriously debate whether or not we can splurge and buy Heinz Ketchup versus random generic brand watery tomato sauce ketchup. They do nothing but expose every single aspect of them in the most ludacris ways possible, and get rewarded for it!

We need to stop supporting these fools. Cuz seriously, I just can’t handle any more of Britney’s poontang, or Jessica Simpson’s latest crush. If I see Angelina adopt one more kid, I’m gonna lose it. And I really, seriously, honestly don’t care about Lindsay Lohan. Seriously. Stop buying these people’s crappy life stories in your weekly tabloids! I’m begging you folks, begging. No more encouraging celebrity stupidness.


Comments on: "Stupid celebrities." (1)

  1. i’m going to start wearing a shirt that says ‘feed lindsay’
    because we live in the age of irony – i really want her to stop eating and drop dead. what the fuck is she famous for? it’s not like she’s actually done any good movies.

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