I’m sure many of you are asking, ‘What the hell is a choch? Did she spell couch wrong? Cuz I know how to identify a fucking couch, thank you’. Well, no, I didn’t mis-spell anything. Choch is a Saskatchewan word from what I can gather. Mainly cuz whenever I say it in Ontario, I get blank stares. Much the same as when I refer to a bunnyhug. But don’t worry, I will explain the Choch and it’s mysterious ways and then you too can incorporate it into your vocabulary.
Choch (noun): A male, usually in his mid-teens to mid-20’s, but in extreme cases may be older. Very high on himself, not yet fully matured and seemingly unable to get any. Fond of catcalls, standing in line to get into pretentious clubs, and driving with loud music.
Now, that definition is fairly broad, so I have compiled for you a list of more specific traits possessed by the ubiquitous choch. Observe:
- Choches are huge fans of hair product and styling. They love that shit. Gel, hairspray, mousse, highlighting creams, they’re alll over it. The typical choch hairstyle is one where the subject has washed his hair, gelled it, put it into spikes evenly placed around the head and hairsprayed like there’s no tomorrow.
- The choch apparently has some sort of repulsive natural odour. I am assuming this, as they are constantly doused in horrendous amounts of discount drugstore cologne they are trying to pass off as designer. I can only assume this is to cover up some sort of stink, since it certainly not an attractive smell on its own.
- When in transit, the choch is most likely driving in an almost reclined position. He will have one arm on the edge of his drivers door, resting near the window, and the other will be barely hanging on to the steering wheel. His legs will be spread far apart, in some lame ass attempt to look more manly, and he will be listening to dance, beats and/or techno. There is another strain of choch which has recently emerged which listens to rap and/or hip-hop. For all intents and purposes, they are the same creature.
- The choch has severe social anxiety. This is obvious, as they seem completely unable to travel alone. They will travel in packs, often walking single line across a sidewalk, making it impossible to pass them. From what we can tell, this is their attempt to claim their territory and appear intimidating to those around them. Note the word ‘attempt’.
- If a male in the above defined age group still lives at home and does not do his own laundry, and is prone to screaming things such as, ‘Ma! Where’s my supper?!’ in an angry manner, he is probably a choch.
- In fact, if he starts any sentence by screaming ‘Ma!’ after the age of 10, he’s probably a choch.
- The choch has problems with telling the truth. Especially in regards to females. They will often speak loudly about sexual conquests that frankly didn’t occur. They will do this while walking down sidewalk in above-mentioned fashion and slapping each other jovially on the chests. Their chests are usually covered in some sort of shiny metallic button down shirt. This is their uniform for outings ‘on the town, yo.’
- An irrefutable mark of the choch is the use of the term, ‘Bro’s before ho’s’. If you hear this, you are dealing with a choch. They will also loudly break out into laughter reminescent of hyena’s while yelling, ‘Yo! Guyyyyyyy!’ and again using the slapping gesture described above. This may be accompanied by flapping of the hands or stomping of the feet, to indicate how impressed and/or shocked they are by whatever sexual lie has just been relayed to them.
- The choch drinks pansy alcoholic concoctions. Since they tend to be grossly underweight in an attempt to let ‘the ladies’ see their ‘pipes’, they cannot hold their alcohol. You may identify them if they are drinking anything coloured, any type of ‘cooler’, Corona or lame-ass beers such as Bud, Molson or Canadian.
- Their mating call often involves, ‘Hey’ with a slight nodding upwards of the head. This is indicative of their sad sex lives and an attempt to de-robe a female of the species. It is sad.
- ‘Beats’ are the choch’s anthem. They quite enjoy them, though the scientific reason for this is as yet, unknown. Lyrics, meanings, quality and talent are all dismissed by the choch. If it is has beats (doom-chik, doom-chik, doom-chik), it passes all criteria test and will be played loudly while driving mom’s mini-van to the strip mall.
- The choch has no formal education. There has been no record of a choch ever attending a post-secondary institution. They often seek employment at retail shops, garages or their daddy’s companies.
- Lastly, and due to the previous point, the choch is unappreciative of intelligence. He dislikes it, as it challenges him. Anything that cannot be responded to with, ‘Whoooaaaaa! Guyyyyyy!’ is useless to them. Therefore, when in clubs they tend to prey upon drunk girls, stupid girls, whorish girls, bleached-blonde girls or fat girls with no self esteem who will give it up easily and not challenge them on anything for fear of losing a shot at some wang action.
When dealing with this subspecies of males, it is vital to remember that they do not respond to logic. If they are harassing you, one way to divert their attentions is to throw a drink onto their shiny, button-down shirts. This will anger the choch, but do not worry, since like I mentioned they are normally grossly underweight and cannot cause any serious harm. They’ll scream at you and may say some nasty things, but they will have to leave. Remember, they cannot do their own laundry, so they have to get the shirt home to mom quickly, so the stain doesn’t set, yo. You can wave as they drive away.