I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

If you are one of those people who believes that kids should love their mommies just because they gave birth to them, you should probably scroll down to the next post, or go to another page. I have heard for far too long, ‘But she’s your Mo-ooooom’. Trust me, I am aware of that. So if you read this, and get all offended for my mom, or your mom, or somebody’s mom, don’t tell me about it. Because I do not care.

Now, the list of things my mom doesn’t know, so as to demonstrate our fantastic relationship:

  • That I just got a tattoo.
  • That I’m coming home for Christmas.
  • That I moved back in with the boyfriend.
  • That my company just got bought out and now I have sweet ass benefits.
  • That I have a new puppy with the boyfriend.
  • That I totally blame my need to get a tattoo on her (long story, if you need to know it, you already do, if you don’t know it, move on to the next point).
  • That I’m happier not talking to her.
  • That no, I don’t want to reconcile, I’m perfectly fine without her, thanks.
  • That if I ever get married, I really don’t give a rat’s ass if she shows up or not. She has claimed that she won’t if it isn’t in Saskatchewan.
  • That nearly every conversation I have with my grandma turns into a bitchfest about her.
  • That I know she’s started smoking again. I am not an idiot.
  • That I gave away my cat.
  • That I have begged my father to get a divorce from her.
  • That her own mother (my grandma) has questioned my dad as to why he’s still married to her.
  • That the world is in fact, NOT out to get her.
  • That the reason I never went out in high school was because I knew if I did, she’d flip about it. For no reason. It wasn’t worth it.
  • That her anger will kill her one day.
  • That nobody believed her little, ‘I can’t breathe’ act two Christmases ago, in an attempt to get my family to leave.
  • That I know that she offered to fly to the States to help my brother when he hurt his foot; although when I called her when I was completely alone and seriously ill and needing medical attention, she didn’t offer to come.
  • That I have no intention of using the University degree that she paid for.
  • That I have in fact, NOT become everything that I used to hate, despite what she believes, and has accused me of doing.
  • That I consider the boyfriend’s mother to be more of a mom than her. She acts more like one too.
  • That I talk to my dad every two weeks or so, whereas I talk to her maybe twice a year. He calls from his work, and there’s an unspoken agreement to never let her know about this.
  • That I threw away everything she gave me for Christmas the last time I was there when I got back to Ontario.
  • That if I have to watch another home design/makeover show with her, it’ll be her last.
  • That I only sing Shania Twain when I’m around her. Because I know it fucking pisses her the fuck off. Haha.

SOMETHING MY MOM DOES KNOW?

  • I don’t particularly like her.

Okay, venting time over. That’s all for a while. Tune in next time for a far less-bitter post! Cheerio!

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Comments on: "Things my mom doesn’t know…." (6)

  1. I finished reading, and it was very good, however now I’m left with the insatiable need to know why your tat’ is in anyway related to your mother.

    (please and thank you)

  2. That’s an impressive list. I think it’s even longer than my list of things my mother doesn’t know about. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to care just because she’s your mother. She fucked up, clearly, so then she’s now enjoying the fruits of her fucking up. Plain and simple.

  3. Can I cinnamon flavour fart on your mom?

  4. She’ll likely react violently, as she enjoys the art of rage and anger, but if you feel foolhardy, you have my blessing.

  5. I’ve read the “Art of War.” Trust me, I can take the crazy bitch on. Summer road trip?

  6. I’m totally up for it if you are. I haven’t read it, but I have dealt with her for years. Plus, from what I understand it’s a pretty thick book. Probably makes for a good projectile…

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