I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

Ode to the Nap….aka Zzzzzzz

“No day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap”    – Carrie P. Snow. 

Oh naps. I love you so. In fact, I heart you. Deeply.

If I could, I would nap all day. Intermittently, happily, comfortably napping. I would wake whenever I wanted, eat a few things, read a few things, do a few things, and then return to the blissed state of unconsciousness that a wonderful nap supplies.

Nothing is greater than coming home from work and a day of dealing with ass monkeys, changing into my comfiest pyjama pants (which make up the good majority of my wardrobe), and flinging myself onto my bed.

I’m ecstatic with anticipation at that point. Oh, to wrap up into my fanfuckingtastic duvet, take one last look at the late afternoon sun and let it all drift away while I toast warmly in my blankets, and snuggle into my pillow, it’s just too much. I fucking savour it. I love naps.

A great time to nap is the weekends, after breakfast. Sleep in, go out and get some breakfast, come back in just as the food is making you sleepy again, then lie down. This practice of mine confuses the boyfriend, but clearly only because he is uneducated in the joy and simplicity that IS the nap. The nap is just marvellous.

You know why it’s so good?

Cuz you shouldn’t be doing it. No. You shouldn’t. When I nap, there are dozens of things I should be doing instead. Laundry, dishes, paying bills, cleaning the house, walking the dog, grocery shopping, working, blah blah blah. But I don’t want to do those things. So I fret a bit….how to avoid these tedious annoyances of every day life? Why, a nap will surely do the trick!

You shouldn’t be sleeping during the day either. But everybody knows it’s the best time to sleep. You shouldn’t sleep on the couch, that’s what the bed is designated for. Oohhhh, a forbidden couch nap. A floor nap. A park nap on a hot summer day. I’ll nap on the damned subway…well, I would, but I have two reasons for not doing so. One, I am a sleep drooler. And I don’t want to drool on myself while taking public transit. Two, I don’t want to sleep past my stop. Cuz that would piss me off.

Naps also have the benefit of not ending with the homicide-inducing beep of a fucking alarm clock. You just wake whenever you wake. It’s a marvellous thing.

They also have the benefit of removing you from other situations which tempt you into becoming a serial killer. When the world is pissing you off and you just can’t stand to listen to any more of it, shut it all out. Go and take a nap. Being unconscious is a cure-all. Sick of the shit in the middle east? Take a nap. Annoyed at the fear mongering you’re hearing on the TV? Take a nap. Your significant other yammering on and on? Take a nap. You’re in pain because you had to bitch slap that retard in front of you on the stairway? Take a nap.

You wake up feeling rested and sneaky. You totally just ducked out of the responsibilities attached to being awake. You sneaky devil you.

I’ve never had a bad nap. Ever. Do you know why? Because they don’t exist.

I don’t quite get why napping is such a no-no nowadays. People feel like they’re lazy or unproductive or doing something wrong by napping. Well, they’re wrong. That’s just what slavedriving overachievers have fooled us into thinking. In fact, there is a myriad of evidence for why YOU should be napping more!

Par example…..naps have been shown to increase your mood, lower your stress, boost creativity, make you more psychologically balanced, lead to better rates of cell repair, and they motivate you to exercise! Personally, I’ve not experienced the last one, but I’ll keep on napping until I do!

‘Bad nap’ is an oxymoron. Like, jumbo shrimp or new and improved. The two things just can’t exist together. Baby grand piano. Yeah. Can’t happen.

The boyfriend is currently attempting to get himself into medical school (do not even get me STARTED on how much I hate that…….I know, the only female who doens’t want to be with a doctor). The only upside to this is……if he does get in, we’ll have it made. Which means, Talea won’t have to work.

And then folks, my dreams will come true. I can nap all day and eat bon bons when awake. I can become the fatass I’m destined to be, and just pay someone to suck it all off of me every few years. And you know what? I’ll nap through that fucking surgery too. Suck off the fat, boys, and wake me up when it’s over. Awesome.


Comments on: "Ode to the Nap….aka Zzzzzzz" (3)

  1. Other oxymorons include: pretty ugly, freezer burn, military intelligence.

  2. I read this snuggled in my blanky and puppy lying at my feet with her warm brown eyes begging for naptime. Yes my friend, I do think I’ll indulge her this time.

  3. Awwwww, I forgot to add another essential nap ingredient! The puppy! Zoey has perfect puppy brown eyes too and loves to nap also. We’re napping buddies.

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