I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

Why Weddings are a Farce

Ah, the wedding. Who doesn’t love a good one? I know I do. They’re always a fun time. What better way to seal your love than an overblown, overpriced, overrated ceremony where people watch you sign your life away for tax breaks? Ah, the romance. Drunken speeches, embarassing kiddie pictures, spilled wine on white dresses, inappropriate come-ons, and free booze! Who could ask for more? Today I have decided to delve into why it is I find weddings so damned hilarious and awesome, though totally stupid at the same time. So here we go.

Phenomenon #1: Attire:      I like to get dressed up (though it is stressful, trying to cover up my super white legs in a dress….I can’t let these babies out au naturel, I’d blind people) and strut my stuff. They’re good for the ego, weddings. There is always some far-removed family member there who hasn’t stumbled out of the trailer park for a few years, but had to be invited due to some long standing family practice, who will look 600 times worse than you, and you will feel HOT. Your dress isn’t stained, or stretching to cover your ponch in the front. Your hair isn’t frizzled or mulleted and you have all your teeth. Self esteem goes up a few notches. Sweet.

Phenomenon #2: The Bridal Party:     Oh yes, those tangerine nightmares (that’s a nod to you, Lovely Friend). Those too tight, too short, too poufy, too hideous, completely ill-coloured and unwearable bridesmaid dresses. They’re hawt. You can see the shame in the girls’ eyes if you look closely enough. They know they look like trolls and they’re regretting saying yes to being a bridesmaid. They’ve had enough of that bitch of a bride to their right and are ready to smash her face in with their hideous, drooping bouquets. Plus, they’re seriously pissed about having ringlets in their hair. It’s awesome.

Phenomenon #3: THE Dress:       Okay, first of all, it’s usually white or a relative thereof, which is a fucking joke as it is. I for one, do not know anybody who is really qualified to wear white by the time they walk down the aisle. A scarlett letter may be more appropriate. But it’s tradition, and I’d wear white too, if one day aliens invade my brain and I decide to get married (shit, I’m funny, I loved that line). Ahem. Now ladies, we all know white makes you look fat and points out all the lovely lumps and such that nobody needs to see. So what I don’t get is why so many brides choose a dress that is skinnnnnn tight. I know they had dreams of dropping away the pounds before they walked down the aisle, but let’s be honest here. The stress made them eat pints of cookie dough ice cream, and now, you get to see every morsel. It’s horrible. And laughable. And oh! What was that? The self esteem meter going up a bit more? Yeahhhhhh. Also, lace, flowers, beads, sequins, ruffles, oversized bows and toule are always good for a laugh. It’s like a train wreck, you can’t look away. Though I will admit, many brides look good, but it seems to me that you only remember the ones who don’t. Moving on.

Phenomenon #4: The receiving line:     You don’t want to go through it. Cuz it’s awkward and slow. But you have to, cuz they’ve set it up in front of the doors to the reception site. And you totally can’t be that jerkface who skips it. Everyone will see, they will point and gasp and then you’ll be kicked out and you totally won’t get a thank you card in the mail the next month. Grrrrrr. Shuffle, shuffle. You finally make it up to the parents of the happy couple. You probably don’t know all four of them. You tell them their kids are pretty, which may be a total lie (see #3), because you don’t really have anything else to say. Maybe you thank them for having you. All you’re thinking about is getting through those doors and to the open bar. You make it to the bride and groom. You might actually have something to say to them, but you can’t, because the line is moving ever forward. Slowly, slowly, you get pushed away by all the other ‘well wishers’. Damn, and you had a witty joke planned and everything. Oh well. On to the reception.

Phenomenon #5: The seating arrangements:      These are always super fun. You get to go in and try to find your little place card and then your little table and then wait to see what freaks and geeks you’ll be sharing your meal with. Are you close to the head table? Or shoved in the corner beside the speakers? Are you going to go back and grab your gift off the table, cuz they had the nerve to sit you at the kiddie table? Ohhhh, who knows? The seating arrangement is always a crapshoot. Fun!

Phenomenon #6: The ‘Looking Back’ Slideshow/Speech:      Finally, the day you’ve dreamed of. Seeing your friend/coworker/relative naked in the bath. As they project stupid images of themselves as ugly, snot covered kids, you have to pretend to care. You have to politely laugh at the stories of them and how they used to eat crayons and wet their beds til they were 9. This involves a special kind of laugh. The wedding/important function laugh, akin to the ever popular ‘golf clap’. The upside to this is you can totally have blackmail against them forever, and you may even be able to spawn some sort of wacky nickname for them. Awesome. And yes, this is another opportunity for your self esteem meter to go up. You totally stopped pissing your bed way before them.

Phenomenon #7: Drunken Debauchery:        Everyone gets tanked at weddings. It’s probably the only reason they bother showing up. And this means a lot of things. It means hilarious speeches from weirdo uncles, it means inappropriate dancing, strange hook-ups and many admissions of love.As in, “I love you man! You’re the greatest!” “No, yeeeeeeeerr the great-uh……what?” And I guarantee there will be girls crying in the bathroom. Guaranteed. The bride might trip on her gown or get really pissed at the groom when he starts leering at her younger cousin. Secrets about past lovers and flings could come out. All sorts of craziness can ensue. All you have to do is stay sober enough to laugh at it.

Phenomenon #8: The Wedding Singer:        So if you’re lucky enough to attend a wedding with live music, you’re in for a treat. These guys haven’t yet realized that this level of fame is the top of their career. They’re not going any higher. But since they don’t know that, or refuse to accept it, they sing their hearts out and act as though an Emmy were on the line, in case one of the well-wishers happens to know a guy who knows a guy whos niece knows a guy at a record company. Sing on boys, sing on.

Phenomenon #9: The Bouquet Toss:          This is the stupidest wedding tradition ever. I can’t stand it. Whenever it comes time and people who are dumb enough to enjoy this type of thing try to push me forward to go catch some overspent flowers, I lose it. I do NOT want to stand up there with a bunch of fatties and uglies, desperate to find a man, really anything with a man-part will do, jumping up and down and trampling each other like hogs in the hopes that some stupid tradition will actually come true and they’ll be the next one wearing an ill-fitting white dress. Not my scene. I find feigning projectile vomitting or explosive diarrhea are about to ensue are surefire ways of getting out of this dumb display of sadness. Just mutter, “Oh my God! Dinner’s coming back!” and they’ll totally stop pushing you, cuz nobody wants to be covered in it. Awesome.

Phenomenon #10: Stupid Wedding Games:          Clink, clink, clink. As in, ‘kiss each other please! I’m having far too easy a time holding my food down!’ Taking the garter off the bride with your teeth. Having women pretend to give up their keys to the groom’s apartment. Having the couple answer questions correctly or else they have to smooch. Oh, haha. Break out that wedding laugh again. Cuz it’s not funny, but you have to pretend it is. I always want to play, ‘Bring Talea more food,’ but everyone’s caught up in kissing games and they don’t concede to my wishes. Jerkfaces.

This is what we do to commemorate love in our society. Get drunk, eat too much and embarass each other as spectacularly as we can.

Shit, no wonder everyone gets divorced. I say live in sin! The perks are the same, but the bills are way cheaper! If the boyfriend and I want to embarass each other, we can do it for way less than the cost of renting out a hall, buying a white dress, feeding hundreds of people that we dont’ really care about and listening to crap music all night. We’ve got it all figured out.

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Comments on: "Why Weddings are a Farce" (14)

  1. Dana Michelle said:

    Ahh, THANK YOU! I’m glad that this is officially down in writing. I know it’s been said by many people before, but the Talea brand of description is far more poignant. I wish the world had more people like you! Or at least your sense of reason.
    One perk to weddings (and possibly the only perk)…free wine! And if it’s someone trying to show off how much money they have, it’s free, GOOD wine! If not, it’s still free wine!

  2. Personally, this is one of my favourite posts.
    And yes, free wine is great. I don’t really care if it’s good or not, I’m not that much of a wine snob, just a wino.

  3. Dana Michelle said:

    I think you should wear your lovely new hat to the next wedding you go to in keeping with your sentiment towards weddings. Or I could crochet you a new hat to match your outfit (I’m in need of a new amusing project!)

  4. greenmetropolis said:

    Dude, you know how un-girly I can be at times with my sweatpants and nachos and farting and belching and ren-and-stimpy loving. Next wedding I go to, I’m totally going to psych everyone out by lining up for the bouquet, but then I’ll just piledrive everyone like a linebacker, grab the bouquet and run for it going “YES, YES, I’M NOT EVEN DATING ANYONE, BUT I’M TOTALLY GOING TO BE THE NEXT ONE TO GET MARRIED” and then I’ll spike the bouquet and do a wobbly-kneed chicken-esque victory dance and douse myself with gatorade. SWEEEET.

  5. where do you come up with this? I love it…

  6. You should TOTALLY spike the bouquet!! And I’d pay to see your wobbly kneed chicken dance!

  7. Cowgal, I have no idea. I think it’s what spews forth after I observe normal social occurences through my bitter-coloured glasses.
    And yeah, coloured with an ‘u’. We’re in Canada up here dude.

  8. greenmetropolis said:

    i think i’m just looking for an excuse to piledrive a bunch of fat chicks in ugly dresses.

    i’m just saying is all…

  9. Wow Green…you should have come to my wedding. I think there were plenty of fat chicks there that deserved the piledrive.
    Ooops is that any way to talk about my family?

  10. I love, love, love it, this is why we eloped!

    Ok so, this little gem just got you sucked in to being the official advisor for the Religious Extravaganza ’08. We’re doing a traditiony thing of joining the Greeks again, so there are 3 ceremonies. It’s not a wedding, it’s an extravaganza.

  11. I didn’t think I knew you 7 years ago but apparently i must have because you were at my wedding! you are so funny!

  12. Haha, thanks Joe. I was there. In bitter spirit, I guess!
    But I really do love weddings! I think they’re so fun! They’re just seriously messed up is all.

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  14. I love you lol!! You are my hero 😀 I feel the same way about weddings. It’s all a one, big farce starting with the bride in white, innocence and purity personified, but in reality, with years of baggage lol!

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