I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

Universal Truth #65

Truth #65: If it is 10:20 AM, and you are ordering a double burger, I will grant you some leniancy. Perhaps you’ve been up since 5 AM, making me look like a total lazy schmuck.

HowEVER.

 If it is 10:20 AM, you are 50 pounds overweight and you are ordering a double burger, that leniancy might be a little less…….leniant. Especially when you are barking orders at the woman on the other side of the counter about how you want more mayo….no, more…..yep, now, on the other side of the bun too. Then when you insist on more cheese, and lots of honey garlic sauce, I start thinking you probably weren’t up at 5 AM. Then when you demand sauteed mushrooms to be put atop your burger and look like you are about to start bawling when you are informed that that is a 40 cent charge, I’m positive now you’re just a fatty. When you throw a fit because she nearly put too much pepper on your burger (and why shouldn’t she? You’re already eating too much of everything else…..ZING!), you deserve a kick in the shins. Then, when you snatch the box of fries from her like you’re reuniting with your kidnapped infant, I’m pretty sure you have a problem.

My point? This universal truth is………..if you are ordering that much high fat, disgusting food and getting uber bitchy about it since you think you are wasting away at 10 fucking 20 in the morning, and you’re the reason the glass is there (to prevent your drool from contaminating others food), you will never make more than $25,000 a year.

Why? Because you are destined to be the Fat Bitchy Secretary. The one who has total secretary butt, seven stomach rolls and is only kind to people when they come bearing gifts of a pastry-like resemblance. When you are that desperate for food and that terribly mean to those with the power to delay your sad gratification, you are too horrible a person to ever be promoted. Your life will consist of phones and couriers and nothing more fulfilling than a dead cow between two pieces of bread. Honestly, you kind of deserve it for being such a cow yourself.

CALM DOWN! It’s just a burger! And it’s 10:20 in the morning. You lose. Thanks for coming out.

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Comments on: "Universal Truth #65" (2)

  1. OMG!! that is the funniest thing ever!! I am now officially smitten with you too!

  2. “Then, when you snatch the box of fries from her like you’re reuniting with your kidnapped infant, I’m pretty sure you have a problem.”

    Hahaha 🙂

    This whole post is a stunning example of “it’s funny ’cause it’s true” 😉

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