I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

There are really few things in life that I absolutely hate and despise more than doctors. And everything associated with them really. Making the appointment, going to the office, sitting and waiting, being moved to their room and sitting and waiting, going over small talk, blah blah blah.

I have a lot of reasons to hate doctors. First and foremost, I saw dozens and dozens of them over 11 years to try to figure out what was wrong with me. Their responses were always one of: A) You’re too stressed. B) You have allergies. C) Drink more fluids, or D) You’re getting a cold.

WTF? No! You stupid fucking idiots, no, no, no. I’m giving you a list of chronic symptoms and you’re just reciting answers that you already had preconceived, without listening to a word I say. Shocking as it may seem, people do contract/develop ailments that fall outside of those four VERY helpful blanket statements that GP’s seem so fucking fond of. I fail to comprehend why it takes dozens of these ‘brilliant’ doctors almost a dozen years to figure this out. I’m a little bitter. You know.

So anyways, the morons finally figured it out and now I have to go back every so often just for shits and giggles. You know. It happens I had to go there last night.

My appointment was for 6:30. I got there at 6:15, checked in and took a very uncomfortable seat. I read my book, and watched several people go behind the very important door AND come out, while I sat there and sat there and sat there. I noticed yellow signs placed around the waiting area that said, ‘if you’ve been waiting more than 30 minutes past your scheduled appt time, please let the receptionist know’. Okay. Fine. Will do.

I wait until 7 and march my angry ass up there. I have NO patience to begin with and I have even less patience for these idiots with medical degrees, especially when I’m there only to get a damned prescription written out that will take them approximately 38 seconds. I inform the receptionist of my predicament.

She gives me a catty look and asks for my last name. She goes, ‘WELL, your appointment was for 6:30 and you checked in at……[she paused here, presumably to swallow a nice fucking mouthful of humble pie, being that her tone was totally going in the ‘well, if you show up late, it’s not our problem if you have to wait around’ direction]……..6:11. Ummm, I’ll call them for you.’

Me: ‘Would you? That’d be greeeeeeeeat’ Total sarcasm, which I rule at. Turns out, miss receptionist can’t get a hold of anyone back there. Apparently they were all too busy ignoring me to answer her phone call. Ass monkeys.

I reclaim my plastic seat and wait fifteen more minutes. I send angry text messages to the boyfriend. He calls back and gets me all riled up. Haha, awesome. So I take my angry and empowered self BACK to snotty receptionist and demand she calls them again. She looks at me and simply points to her right. I turn my head just in time to see the little gatekeeper guy come out and mangle my name.

I turn and loudly exclaim, “FINALLY! Shit!” in front of my waiting room audience. I really have very little shame in public. Really. It’s kind of awesome. I follow name-caller monkey through the magical door….where he promptly tells me to TAKE A SEAT just on the other side. Shitfuckdamn. They’ve done that tricky, ‘We’ll take you out of the primary waiting area, get you all excited, but just put you in the secondary waiting area, sucker’ move. I’m pissed. Name-caller monkey tells me that ‘she’ (motioning to some generic door) will call me when she’s ready.

Ohhhhhh, when SHE’S ready. Of course. Because obviously my time is worthless. Obviously I’ve had nothing better to do with the last hour and a half than sit in your over-air conditioned waiting room. Super fantastic, I love the doctor’s office. Yay. I’m so glad I made an appointment and showed up on time.

So my doctor comes out of her office, walks past me, and gets into a conversation with her supervisor. I shit you not, it was about some phone call the supervisor had gotten in his residency. Somehow this led to him illustrating the dimensions of his student shitbox apartment. It was very fascinating and not at ALL homicide-inducing. I just sat there, beside them, like a schmuck, giving them the best evil eye I could muster. And folks, I give GOOOOOD evil eye. It’s legendary.

Finally, Dr. Tooimportantforme calls (mangles) my name. I stand up and she puts out her hand to shake mine. I walk past and into the office. Fuck you, I’ve been waiting forEVER and you have the nerve to stand in front of me and have some inane useless conversation, knowing full well you’re seriously behind schedule. Ha. Take THAT as a passive aggressive move, stupid doctor!!

We sit down, blah blah blah. All I want is my prescription renewed. She drills me on how long I’ve been on it, what dosage, how are the side effects, yada yada yada. I give her one word answers until she asks me an open ended question. I respond with, “Look, I know I’m being rude, but you’re an hour and a half late seeing me. Can you just write up my prescription? I’m fine, it’s fine, we’re all fine. I want to go home. Please.”

She’s stunned. Like nobody has ever told her this before. I’m gloating inside. She writes me the prescription, and wishes me a good night. I respond with, “Yeah…what’s left of it.”

I HATE DOCTORS. If I was an hour and a half late seeing a client, my ass would be fired. Especially if I didn’t apologize once. If I was an hour and a half late for an appointment, again, my ass would be out the door. If I showed up an hour and a half late for my day, I might as well not show up. Cuz I’m fired.

I’m sorry, but I pay a gargantuant amount of taxes up here in the Great White North to pay these ass monkey’s overinflated salaries. I don’t understand why we treat these people in white coats as though they are gods. They aren’t. They simply have a higher than average capability for memorization and recognition. They memorize diseases and problems and recognize the symptoms. If I tried hard enough, I could do that too.

I know they’re busy. They’re outnumbered by us sickly and disgusting folk. So? I’m busy too. I’m outnumbered by stupid office clients. Big deal. Why are they allowed to do this? And where can I find a job that pays me such a ridiculous amount of money for completing ignoring the people who pay their salaries. GRAR!

I feel better. Thank you for being my ventees. It’s much appreciated. And remember, next time you go to the doctor and they treat you like crap and like your time is worthless, make snarky comments and pull passive aggressive moves as often as you can. It’ll make it all a little bit better.


Comments on: "Dear Doctors: Please Kiss My Sick Ass." (8)

  1. You again are my hero. My last doctor’s appointment was over 2 1/2 hours late which did not thrill me. Especially since I arrived almost an hour early (my fault for driving so fast on the freeway, so I won’t complain so much about that one.) Part of the stipulation of the appointment was that I was fasting for the bloodwork I would get a requisition for during the appointment. I asked a few times about how long it would be because it was seriously delaying my meal and was answered with “as soon as we can, you’re not our only patient you know.” Oh, and more comments reminding me that I had to remain fasting until after my bloodwork was taken. Once my bloodsugar went really low drop and I was about to pass out I finally decided to take your approach to dealing with people. I marched up to the desk and told the receptionist (whom I had become such good pals with the past 4 times I asked how long it was going to be) that if I didn’t get to eat something soon I would actually pass out and possibly die. Since she knew I wasn’t bs-ing she paged the doctor who was on her lunch break and the doctor immediately showed up. She gave me some lame excuse about how she was so busy today but really needed to eat something and sorry for the delay. I started into my rant about how it was a medical requirement for me to eat when I needed to but was cur short by passing out. It kinda stepped on the whole rant I had prepared, but was very effective at proving my point. I am curious how they will react at my next appointment. I really should have just cancelled the appointment, but I did drive 7 hours to get there and really didn’t feel like having to do that again just for the fun of it. At least I found out that passing out is apparently one of the best forms of being passive-aggressive.
    Sorry for the long ranting comment for this one, but you caught a topic that gives me rage. I am glad to know that it irritates others as much as it does me.

    Dana, I think everyone’s enraged by doctors, because they are huge ass monkeys. And kudos to you for passing out. I mean, shit, you couldn’t have done any better if you’d tried. Not to make fun of you, but it seems that you need to either pass out or start shooting people before they pay attention to you. I had my knitting with me…….looking back, I should have started wielding the needles around like a crazy maniac. I’ll try it next time.

  2. My doctor is awesome. I’ve never had to wait for more than twenty minutes. And when I say things like “Is it weird that I’d feel more comfortable smoking pot every day instead of relying on perfectly legal medication to keep me from getting all riled up?” she replies with “Huh, well, yeah, that’s an option too, I guess.” And when something is outside her expertise, she sends me to the best expert in the city (which I didn’t know until everyone from doctors at walk-in clinics and my lab-tech friend Nikki all said “wow, you got an appointment with Dr. WOLFMAN?!?!”) So I guess I can’t complain. But I also guess I’m lucky. She’s going on mat leave though. Hmmm. I’ll have to see how my luck pans out with her replacement.

    I think you’re an anomaly. And watch out, cuz if your doctor now is great, it only means that you’re due for a super asshole when she goes to have a baby. Just saying….

  3. It’s true. I go through doctors until I find one I love. It look me 5 coochie doctors until I found my current kick ass one, you know the one that shook her pelvis at me when we were talking about birth control. Most of them, no, almost all of them suck some serious ass and it’s disgusting because they are supposedly there because they care! Yeah right!

  4. FYI: I work at a Dr’s office
    At the front

    *walks away quietly*

    Yes….well, I don’t blame the receptionist. Unless they’re snarky bitches, then they get included in the anger. But I know you aren’t one of those. I blame doctors. For doing dick all and acting like freaking miracle workers and having no respect for people’s time and not listening to their patients.
    Um, that turned out to be a bit of a rant. Long story short, I don’t blame you! You’re fantastic!! :p

  5. But if it makes you feel any better…the Dr. makes us wait for our appts. too.
    But we do have the inside line on what Dr’s are the best and fastest and most on time.

  6. you handled that perfectly in my book!! i hate waiting too, but an hour and a half and NO apology? Fuck her, she had that shit coming.

    way to go!

    Thanks! My personal favourite part was swearing in front of an audience. Then my ‘I’m fine, it’s fine, we’re all fine’ bit. I crack myself up. She DID have it coming. 🙂

  7. Yes, the “I’m fine it’s fine we’re all fine”=the best for me :-)…I’ve never had the balls to tell my doctor I mean business..you are an inspiration to all us sick-fucks in the great white north 😉 I was dreading a doctor’s appointment I have on saturday morning, but now that i’ve read your post, I think I’ll try out some of these moves 😉

  8. Your greatttttttt its true and i am the same way I go to the

    the doctor and sit for hours some times. just for them

    to ask me what I think is the problem. If i freaken new that

    I wouldnt be here I hate my doctor and i cant find one

    I like yet. you are my hero I will have to try that next time I

    go to the doctor. And they really shouldnt make you wait

    and then put you in a nother room to wait its the stupids

    thing i have ever seen

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