There are really few things in life that I absolutely hate and despise more than doctors. And everything associated with them really. Making the appointment, going to the office, sitting and waiting, being moved to their room and sitting and waiting, going over small talk, blah blah blah.
I have a lot of reasons to hate doctors. First and foremost, I saw dozens and dozens of them over 11 years to try to figure out what was wrong with me. Their responses were always one of: A) You’re too stressed. B) You have allergies. C) Drink more fluids, or D) You’re getting a cold.
WTF? No! You stupid fucking idiots, no, no, no. I’m giving you a list of chronic symptoms and you’re just reciting answers that you already had preconceived, without listening to a word I say. Shocking as it may seem, people do contract/develop ailments that fall outside of those four VERY helpful blanket statements that GP’s seem so fucking fond of. I fail to comprehend why it takes dozens of these ‘brilliant’ doctors almost a dozen years to figure this out. I’m a little bitter. You know.
So anyways, the morons finally figured it out and now I have to go back every so often just for shits and giggles. You know. It happens I had to go there last night.
My appointment was for 6:30. I got there at 6:15, checked in and took a very uncomfortable seat. I read my book, and watched several people go behind the very important door AND come out, while I sat there and sat there and sat there. I noticed yellow signs placed around the waiting area that said, ‘if you’ve been waiting more than 30 minutes past your scheduled appt time, please let the receptionist know’. Okay. Fine. Will do.
I wait until 7 and march my angry ass up there. I have NO patience to begin with and I have even less patience for these idiots with medical degrees, especially when I’m there only to get a damned prescription written out that will take them approximately 38 seconds. I inform the receptionist of my predicament.
She gives me a catty look and asks for my last name. She goes, ‘WELL, your appointment was for 6:30 and you checked in at……[she paused here, presumably to swallow a nice fucking mouthful of humble pie, being that her tone was totally going in the ‘well, if you show up late, it’s not our problem if you have to wait around’ direction]……..6:11. Ummm, I’ll call them for you.’
Me: ‘Would you? That’d be greeeeeeeeat’ Total sarcasm, which I rule at. Turns out, miss receptionist can’t get a hold of anyone back there. Apparently they were all too busy ignoring me to answer her phone call. Ass monkeys.
I reclaim my plastic seat and wait fifteen more minutes. I send angry text messages to the boyfriend. He calls back and gets me all riled up. Haha, awesome. So I take my angry and empowered self BACK to snotty receptionist and demand she calls them again. She looks at me and simply points to her right. I turn my head just in time to see the little gatekeeper guy come out and mangle my name.
I turn and loudly exclaim, “FINALLY! Shit!” in front of my waiting room audience. I really have very little shame in public. Really. It’s kind of awesome. I follow name-caller monkey through the magical door….where he promptly tells me to TAKE A SEAT just on the other side. Shitfuckdamn. They’ve done that tricky, ‘We’ll take you out of the primary waiting area, get you all excited, but just put you in the secondary waiting area, sucker’ move. I’m pissed. Name-caller monkey tells me that ‘she’ (motioning to some generic door) will call me when she’s ready.
Ohhhhhh, when SHE’S ready. Of course. Because obviously my time is worthless. Obviously I’ve had nothing better to do with the last hour and a half than sit in your over-air conditioned waiting room. Super fantastic, I love the doctor’s office. Yay. I’m so glad I made an appointment and showed up on time.
So my doctor comes out of her office, walks past me, and gets into a conversation with her supervisor. I shit you not, it was about some phone call the supervisor had gotten in his residency. Somehow this led to him illustrating the dimensions of his student shitbox apartment. It was very fascinating and not at ALL homicide-inducing. I just sat there, beside them, like a schmuck, giving them the best evil eye I could muster. And folks, I give GOOOOOD evil eye. It’s legendary.
Finally, Dr. Tooimportantforme calls (mangles) my name. I stand up and she puts out her hand to shake mine. I walk past and into the office. Fuck you, I’ve been waiting forEVER and you have the nerve to stand in front of me and have some inane useless conversation, knowing full well you’re seriously behind schedule. Ha. Take THAT as a passive aggressive move, stupid doctor!!
We sit down, blah blah blah. All I want is my prescription renewed. She drills me on how long I’ve been on it, what dosage, how are the side effects, yada yada yada. I give her one word answers until she asks me an open ended question. I respond with, “Look, I know I’m being rude, but you’re an hour and a half late seeing me. Can you just write up my prescription? I’m fine, it’s fine, we’re all fine. I want to go home. Please.”
She’s stunned. Like nobody has ever told her this before. I’m gloating inside. She writes me the prescription, and wishes me a good night. I respond with, “Yeah…what’s left of it.”
I HATE DOCTORS. If I was an hour and a half late seeing a client, my ass would be fired. Especially if I didn’t apologize once. If I was an hour and a half late for an appointment, again, my ass would be out the door. If I showed up an hour and a half late for my day, I might as well not show up. Cuz I’m fired.
I’m sorry, but I pay a gargantuant amount of taxes up here in the Great White North to pay these ass monkey’s overinflated salaries. I don’t understand why we treat these people in white coats as though they are gods. They aren’t. They simply have a higher than average capability for memorization and recognition. They memorize diseases and problems and recognize the symptoms. If I tried hard enough, I could do that too.
I know they’re busy. They’re outnumbered by us sickly and disgusting folk. So? I’m busy too. I’m outnumbered by stupid office clients. Big deal. Why are they allowed to do this? And where can I find a job that pays me such a ridiculous amount of money for completing ignoring the people who pay their salaries. GRAR!
I feel better. Thank you for being my ventees. It’s much appreciated. And remember, next time you go to the doctor and they treat you like crap and like your time is worthless, make snarky comments and pull passive aggressive moves as often as you can. It’ll make it all a little bit better.