I haven’t written much lately, cuz I’ve been all stressed out and totally consumed by my work. Lately
my boss my work has been just asking for it taking a lot of my time in the form of murder and wearing me out mentally with a rusty implement leaving little room for blogging thoughts.
So while I was at the gym tonight (ugh, ugh, ugh) I was thinking of ways to remedy this problem. And clearly my only answer is to start up my own business. Now, I’m not all business savvy, but I am passionate about several things and pretty good at a couple other things. No, this post isn’t going in that direction. So in my style, I’m now going to make a list of potential businesses/job descriptions that I can start up for myself. Feel free to contact me if you’re interested in employing my quality services for any of the things you’re about to see.
1) Family Estrangement Counsellor – Need to break up with your family? It’s awkward, I know. So often you get sucked in, by grandma’s cookies or mom’s threats about your stake in the will, by the universal guilt trip or by that whole ‘honour thy parents’ garbage. You mean well, but you can’t stay away. It’s like that ex that you know you should stay away from, but somehow you always end up naked, sweaty and slightly disgusted by yourself. But folks, I have successfully broken up with my family. Sure we were on again off again for a while, but we’re totally over now. I’ll write them nasty notes, make threatening phone calls and generally stand up to bat for you. I can channel some of my ‘horrible childhood’ rage into the job, making it a genuine and clean break up. Rates vary, depending on size of family and level of complication.
2) Mattress Tester Outer – I am a gal dedicated to a good sleep. As such, I know the importance of comfort. I will personally go to a mattress store in my jammies and become a thorn in the salespeoples side by trying out each one for a minimum of thirty minutes. It’s tiring buying mattresses. I get this. I’ll create a specialized scale of important factors for you and try them out. For example, if you’re a sleep drooler like me, it’s important that the moisture isn’t going to break down the mattress fibres and void the warranty. I’ll find out for you, by drooling on it while I sleep and by asking. I have no shame.
I’ll also do this for couches (which are the nap domain), however the rate will be slightly higher since some couches totally suck and generally couch showroom areas are busier and I’m likelier to be hauled out by security.
3) Educator of all things prairie – I’m a prairie girl. And DAMNED proud of it. For those who would like to learn about prairie culture, I’m willing to teach it! Your curriculum would probably include an in-depth analysis of the sport of curling and it’s very intense strategies (I fucking love curling……seriously), you’d learn the proper construction of perogies and cabbage rolls, learn how to deal with over zealous Ukranian people, be well versed in completely random bar facts about Saskatchewan, learning about why Alberta is no longer a prairie province and why Manitoba only wishes they were, why you should never eat prairie oyster and what the hell a bunnyhug is. The rate for this? Extremely low. I’ll do it for my own lame satisfaction.
4) Wine Taster – I’ll get drunk for you. Red, white, rose, blah blah blah. Dry, crisp, oaky, yadda yadda. I’ll make notes and everything. But let’s be clear…..you’re buying. But it’ll be worth it when your friends compliment you on matching your wines so well at your next yuppie dinner party.
5) Brutally Honest Friend – We all need a brutally honest friend. They’re hard to come by though, since everyone’s been brainwashed by Oprah and political correctness so that they feel they have to always say that you’re pretty and special. Let’s be honest. Some days, you’re not so pretty. And wouldn’t you rather have one person tell you that discreetly than to leave the house and have the whole world laugh and point and throw rotten eggs at you? I thought so. I will be that person. I will tell you when your ass looks fat, when you have VPL, when you are sporting some serious cottage cheese thighs and when your breath is enough to make peoples eyes water. You need to know these things and I am just mean enough to tell you about them. Cost: $45 per hurtful insight. Knowing you aren’t about to make an ass of yourself in public: Priceless.
6) Eyebrow Approver and/or Fixer – I have a thing for eyebrows. Not like, a fetish thing, but a thing where it’s one of the first things I notice about people. I often describe people by eyebrow features. There are too many people in the world sporting horrid eyebrows and not enough people working to stop this epidemic. Come see me. I will consult with you to determine if you are ugly or not and I will then proceed to mercilessly pluck, tweeze and wax you into a dazzling eyebrow beauty. This is a niche that needs to be filled. Hairy people are gross. They need to get it taken care of. I naturally have horrible eyebrows, but they have not looked horrible since 1996 when I realized, ‘oh my fuck I have awful eyebrows (or in my case, eyebrow, no ‘s’)’. It’s an 11 year success story people. You can’t argue with that.
Priced by time needed to fix eyebrows. I will charge $10 for every time you cry like a baby or say, ‘oooowwwwww!’.
7) Virtual Non-Physical Punching Bag – To steal the line from the street kid on Queen Street near my place, I will take verbal abuse for money. If you have some yelling you need to do, do it to me. Rates will vary, and if you make me cry, there’s a 20% premium. But I have a pretty thick skin. Mostly because I don’t care about you or what you have to say. It’s part of my charm.
8) Spreadsheet maker/Typer: I’m a total loser and I love spreadsheets. I also love typing. I’ll do them. You can sit back and drink beer.
Victim Model: I have long, straight hair. I’ll let you take a whack at it if you’ll pay me. Seriously, it’s like a blank fucking canvas. Do what you want, it’s just hair and that’s why God invented wigs.
10) Anything that doesn’t involve my incompetent boob of a boss and/or being an ad hoc photocopy machine technician – Seriously. That is all.
Looking back, I’ve made myself look rather unemployable. That’s okay. I’ll always take pity money too. Thank you.