I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

I haven’t written much lately, cuz I’ve been all stressed out and totally consumed by my work. Lately my boss my work has been just asking for it taking a lot of my time in the form of murder and wearing me out mentally with a rusty implement leaving little room for blogging thoughts.

So while I was at the gym tonight (ugh, ugh, ugh) I was thinking of ways to remedy this problem. And clearly my only answer is to start up my own business. Now, I’m not all business savvy, but I am passionate about several things and pretty good at a couple other things. No, this post isn’t going in that direction. So in my style, I’m now going to make a list of potential businesses/job descriptions that I can start up for myself. Feel free to contact me if you’re interested in employing my quality services for any of the things you’re about to see.

1) Family Estrangement Counsellor – Need to break up with your family? It’s awkward, I know. So often you get sucked in, by grandma’s cookies or mom’s threats about your stake in the will, by the universal guilt trip or by that whole ‘honour thy parents’ garbage. You mean well, but you can’t stay away. It’s like that ex that you know you should stay away from, but somehow you always end up naked, sweaty and slightly disgusted by yourself. But folks, I have successfully broken up with my family. Sure we were on again off again for a while, but we’re totally over now. I’ll write them nasty notes, make threatening phone calls and generally stand up to bat for you. I can channel some of my ‘horrible childhood’ rage into the job, making it a genuine and clean break up. Rates vary, depending on size of family and level of complication.

2) Mattress Tester Outer – I am a gal dedicated to a good sleep. As such, I know the importance of comfort. I will personally go to a mattress store in my jammies and become a thorn in the salespeoples side by trying out each one for a minimum of thirty minutes. It’s tiring buying mattresses. I get this. I’ll create a specialized scale of important factors for you and try them out. For example, if you’re a sleep drooler like me, it’s important that the moisture isn’t going to break down the mattress fibres and void the warranty. I’ll find out for you, by drooling on it while I sleep and by asking. I have no shame.

I'll also track down a pair of creepy twins and have them bounce on it. For, you know, durability and all that.

I’ll also do this for couches (which are the nap domain), however the rate will be slightly higher since some couches totally suck and generally couch showroom areas are busier and I’m likelier to be hauled out by security.

3) Educator of all things prairie – I’m a prairie girl. And DAMNED proud of it. For those who would like to learn about prairie culture, I’m willing to teach it! Your curriculum would probably include an in-depth analysis of the sport of curling and it’s very intense strategies (I fucking love curling……seriously), you’d learn the proper construction of perogies and cabbage rolls, learn how to deal with over zealous Ukranian people, be well versed in completely random bar facts about Saskatchewan, learning about why Alberta is no longer a prairie province and why Manitoba only wishes they were, why you should never eat prairie oyster and what the hell a bunnyhug is. The rate for this? Extremely low. I’ll do it for my own lame satisfaction.

Ah, Saskatchewan. Home of grain elevators and shrines to oversized prairie dogs. Home sweet home.

 4) Wine Taster – I’ll get drunk for you. Red, white, rose, blah blah blah. Dry, crisp, oaky, yadda yadda. I’ll make notes and everything. But let’s be clear…..you’re buying. But it’ll be worth it when your friends compliment you on matching your wines so well at your next yuppie dinner party.

 5) Brutally Honest Friend – We all need a brutally honest friend. They’re hard to come by though, since everyone’s been brainwashed by Oprah and political correctness so that they feel they have to always say that you’re pretty and special. Let’s be honest. Some days, you’re not so pretty. And wouldn’t you rather have one person tell you that discreetly than to leave the house and have the whole world laugh and point and throw rotten eggs at you? I thought so. I will be that person. I will tell you when your ass looks fat, when you have VPL, when you are sporting some serious cottage cheese thighs and when your breath is enough to make peoples eyes water. You need to know these things and I am just mean enough to tell you about them. Cost: $45 per hurtful insight. Knowing you aren’t about to make an ass of yourself in public: Priceless.

I would have totally stopped this guy from going out like this.

6) Eyebrow Approver and/or Fixer – I have a thing for eyebrows. Not like, a fetish thing, but a thing where it’s one of the first things I notice about people. I often describe people by eyebrow features. There are too many people in the world sporting horrid eyebrows and not enough people working to stop this epidemic. Come see me. I will consult with you to determine if you are ugly or not and I will then proceed to mercilessly pluck, tweeze and wax you into a dazzling eyebrow beauty. This is a niche that needs to be filled. Hairy people are gross. They need to get it taken care of. I naturally have horrible eyebrows, but they have not looked horrible since 1996 when I realized, ‘oh my fuck I have awful eyebrows (or in my case, eyebrow, no ‘s’)’. It’s an 11 year success story people. You can’t argue with that.

Don't let yourself be known as 'that girl with the Brooke Shields eyebrows'

Priced by time needed to fix eyebrows. I will charge $10 for every time you cry like a baby or say, ‘oooowwwwww!’.

7) Virtual Non-Physical Punching Bag – To steal the line from the street kid on Queen Street near my place, I will take verbal abuse for money. If you have some yelling you need to do, do it to me. Rates will vary, and if you make me cry, there’s a 20% premium. But I have a pretty thick skin. Mostly because I don’t care about you or what you have to say. It’s part of my charm.

8) Spreadsheet maker/Typer: I’m a total loser and I love spreadsheets. I also love typing. I’ll do them. You can sit back and drink beer.

9) Haircut Victim Model: I have long, straight hair. I’ll let you take a whack at it if you’ll pay me. Seriously, it’s like a blank fucking canvas. Do what you want, it’s just hair and that’s why God invented wigs.

10) Anything that doesn’t involve my incompetent boob of a boss and/or being an ad hoc photocopy machine technician – Seriously. That is all.

 Looking back, I’ve made myself look rather unemployable. That’s okay. I’ll always take pity money too. Thank you.


Comments on: "Hire me, I’ll be your bitch." (18)

  1. this is one of the greatest posts EVER!! i totally need to break up with my family. they are only good for dinner once in a while, letting me know when people i don’t know die, and borrowing money. HELP!!!!

    What IS it with families and informing you of deaths that don’t matter to you?! My grandma is infamous for that. If you want them to slowly get the hint, aim for ‘cold politeness’. I told my mother that that was all she could ever expect from me. Since then, she’s not really wanted to talk….huh….

  2. […] came across this post – Hire me, I’ll be your bitch. – and thought it was worth sharing. I hope you find it interesting too and take the time to read […]

  3. Unemployable! You could get good jobs in all those things. Especially the wine taster and that position even has a fancy title – Alcoholic.

    Well, if it has a title, it must be respectable, right?

  4. Sweet. Sign my up for Educator of all things prairie. Honestly, my Grandmother (also from Saskatchewan) loves how you have warped me into pronouncing the name of her cherished province properly. I so over pronounce the skatch and she loves you for it. However, she hasn’t lived there in, about 70 years and no longer has her finger on the pulse. I would honestly enjoy knowing more about where Grandma is from, even if it’s all totally different now.

    Oh, and I may need some help with the eyebrows and mattress thing too. I am half Greek, as we all know, so I keep on top of the plucking, but I always wander the streets in fear that I am lopsided. Imagine the horror! The mattress thing is just that we need to get a new one soon and there is no way in hell I am paying a grand for something no one will ever see without a professional opinion.

    First off, I’ve never thought ‘My GOD Maytina has to fix her eyebrows!’, so you’re good on that front.
    Second, I will teach you all things prairie. I will go on a rant about it sometime soon, I’m sure and you can feel free to ask all the questions you want.
    And dude, we spent 2 grand on our last mattress. I take sleeping SERIOUSLY.

  5. It’s important for you to be my mattress-tester-outer, because I have a major drool problem (it is not necessary for me to utter “LOL”, as this is an extremely serious matter)

    Also, THIS:

    “But I have a pretty thick skin. Mostly because I don’t care about you or what you have to say. It’s part of my charm.”

    -fully captures why you’re all kinds of cool 😉

    Well, it’s true. If I cared what everybody thought, I’d be curled up on my mattress crying all day, causing MORE moisture damage than I already do.

  6. I am all about the eyebrow thing. I did a post today *though not published yet* about men and eyebrows. I hear you sistah, loud and clearrrr!

    Stuff like that really bugs me, cuz it’s so fixable! Just buy some tweezers! It’s 2007….no need to look like a neanderthal!

  7. greenmetropolis said:

    All I’m going to say is that I will hire you to shank our boss. Please.

    10-4 on that.

  8. :giggle:
    Best post I have read today!
    This is quite inspiring. I will have to get you to do the mattress thing for me too. Serious drool problems at our house, Me and the dogs. I don’t know how the old man doesn’t drown some nights.

    And drool stains the pillowcases too! Have you noticed that?? Then they look all blotchy and ugly. Ugh.
    It seems I have a future in mattress tester outer, which is totally my dream job. Ah, boring corporate gig, adios!

  9. Haha, “more moisture damage” than you already do, I fucking love it 🙂

  10. Yo! Time to give the family the boot.. love it. Can I send you a first class ticket to Australia? Maybe whilst you are there you can beat the crap out of my brother and pluck his eyebrows out as painfully as possible. But you might need to wait until low tide as he is rarely seen on land when the surf is up..

    You’re an Aussie? I had no idea. You don’t say mate or heaps or anything wacky like that. Or maybe just your brother lives down there, who knows. Normally, yes, I’d accept gifts, but I hate flying and flying from Canada to Australia is just about as terrible a fate as I can conjur up.
    Though I did hear recently that Conrad Black signed books for fans in Toronto from Chicago using some sort of robot pen…….perhaps robot arm tweezers should be our plan of action, eh?

  11. Me Australian? I am about as Australian as the Pope is Jewish. And who is Conrad Black and his army as if anybody cared except his mum…

  12. Oh sweet – another spreadsheet dork like myself. I LOVES a good spreadsheet. Got a problem? A good spreadsheet should fix you right up! Works every time.

    Seriously funny post!

    Thank you! And yes, I have even found myself on multiple occasions respreadsheeting spreadsheets, to make them better and more visually efficient. Sigh. I need to get out a bit more, methinks.

  13. Spreadsheet dork here too. I keep track of my Christmas gift buying/ideas on a color-coded spreadsheet.

    Love your title too! I’m often asked why I’m mad when I’m in a good mood. Even kids notice it. I walked past a woman and her toddler son one day at the store, and heard the son ask, “mommy, why is she so mad?”

    I got that today on the subway actually. Plus, some Germans were pointing at my shoes (which were super cute) and talking about them. I was freaked out, but they probably couldn’t tell……they probably just thought I was mad.

  14. I’m gonna have to agree with Joebec on this one. This is Hi-F******-Larious.

    Here are my points:
    1. The title alone is genius.
    2. Family Estrangement Counselor is such a great idea. I have a cousin I NEED to break up with. She’s just too needy. If you could do all my dirty work for me, that would be an invaluable service. You could make a movie out of that idea.
    3. Wine Taster is great because yes you get free alcohol, but do you know anything about wine or would you just be making generic comments? If you don’t know anything about wine, that is even funnier. I don’t know shit about wine, but I’d like someone to tell me that my pinot grigio is the right blend of apple and spice to go with my Taco Bell Bean Taco.
    4. Brutally Honest Friend is $45 dollars per hurtful insight – that made me laugh out loud.
    5. Finally, the virtual punching bag is great because today has been kind of a crappy day, and I’d like to yell at someone. It’s a terrific idea.

    Alright – great post, and forgive me, how in theeeee hell do I not have you on my blogroll? If it’s ok with you, I’m putting you on.

    My head, it’s growing! Yes! Throw me on the blogroll, it is A-OK with me. From the comments, many people hate their families AND their mattresses. And I know a bit about wine, but frankly that’d all go out the window when I got smashed and the notes would resemble my slurred speech, something like, ‘ahhhh, izzzzz ssooooo like..uh…ummm, it’s really……i’m fucking WASTED man!’ I love informing everyone around that I’m totally drunk when I’m totally drunk.

  15. thanks for the comment. you do seem pessimistic. i like that! Also, I like that you like to test out mattressi (is that the plural form?). I’ll blog rolll you right back.

  16. I think I would make a pretty good Matress Tester Outer, but due to my wicked insomnia I would be coming at the task from a different position. (nudge nuge, wink wink. Say no more, say no more) I mean, you don’t always sleep on the mattress/couch. I suppose I could even test out cars, washing machines, and kitchen tables.

    I didn’t realize there was so much to learn about the prarie. In fact I didn’t even realize the prarie stretched all the way to Canada. I always associated it with Kansas and Oklahoma, due to “The Wizzard of Oz” and “Oklahoma”. I could however teach you a thing or two about the South Land down here in North Carolina. (home of all things kick ass, especially barbeque) I am as well an avid fan of my little area of our planet.

    I suppose we could go in as partners in an alcohol tasting venture. You can test out the wine and I will test out the beer, whiskey, vodka, scotch, gin, tequila, shine, and other assorted fire waters.

    I’m damn good at honesty as well. Or more like I’m shit sloppy at being polite. Basically the same thing.

    Dudes don’t fuck with their eyebrows. If we got scary ass caterpillars, then too damn bad for everyone else. We don’t have to look at them, but if we pluck them we do have to look at our balls shrinking and our peen inverting. Not cool. Although I do clear cut the “uni” section of mine, cause getting laid sort of depends on it.

    You blog is awesome. And the title is so great. I tell people that all the time. I’m glad I’m not the only one who looks pissed when they aren’t.

    Josh, I have no idea who you are, but I’m glad you commented. It’s an awesome comment. I noticed you failed to mention rum in the alcohol venture…..don’t worry, I’m on it.
    And yes the prairies stretch ‘all the way to Canada’. Google ‘Saskatchewan’. That’s what it’s allllll about.
    Dudes should maintain a level of eyebrow tidiness at least. I mean, don’t go plucking and shaping, but seriously, unibrows are so 4,000 BC. I’m glad you clearcut yours. I’m off to read your blog now, to see if you’re worthy of my blogroll.
    Glad you like the title, it’s the story of my life.

  17. Ok, I have the perfect solution for you: Reality TV. If “What Not To Wear” can thrive based on tactless people commenting on someone’s wardrobe, then I think the world needs someone tactless commenting on stuff that actually matters. I’m thinking something along the lines of “How Not To Be An Ass-Monkey.” I think you’d do very well. And the whole makeover thing at the end could still be included as part of the transformation of the unibrow into plural brows.

  18. hey hey love the site! i wish i could write like this!
    my sites only the odd silly comment, you can go for AGES!
    im jealous, but my site is only 2 weeks old so who knows, i may pick up some tips!
    please check it out over at…http://theguanogallery.blogspot.com/

    if you like it please spread the word, i need all the viewers i can!

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