I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

So I’m a Canuck. Most days I’m proud of that. As a Canadian, I am stereotyped as living in an igloo, owning several huskies, saying ‘oot and aboot’ and being very apologetic. I do none of these things. Except last night. It was the oddest thing……..and it was also one of the stupidest things I’ve ever said.

I was walking through the back alley near my house. Now, this is a particularly unpleasant alley. It backs onto a strip of restaurants. These restaurants have big garbage bins out back. Many of these restaurants have an ‘Asian’ theme. This means lots of fish, seafood and other rumored animals that I won’t get into (meow). Ahem. It stinks back there. And there’s always garbage juice running all over the place. On the other side, there’s this little ‘parkette’.

In this parkette, we have a large cast of characters. On any given day, you may find hippies with dreadlocks, kids with guitars, bums, hobos, vagrants, drunks, crackheads, misguided prostitutes, street kids, street dogs, tourists who are seriously lost, and out of work midgets. Well, okay, I’ve never seen a midget there, but I can totally see them fitting in. Anyhow. I was cutting through there to get to my gym, cuz I hate walking that block of Queen Street since it is full of people who don’t seem to understand how to walk on a sidewalk and move out of my way.

I was pleasantly dodging puddles of leachate (fancy term for garbage juice), when I heard, “Hey, do you have some weed we can buy?”

Now, keep in mind, this is Canada. We’re very liberal with stuff like that. In fact, I’m the only person I know who doesn’t smoke weed on a fairly regular basis. So I wasn’t at all surprised to be asked this. I get asked every so often, but my response was perhaps the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever said.

Fat hairy street kid: “Hey, do you have some weed we can buy?”
Me: “No. Sorry, I don’t.” Then I gave him a ‘sorry that your puppy died, little boy’ kind of sad smile.

No, SORRY I DON’T?!?! Who the fuck SAYS that? My apologies for not being able to supply you, a leach on the social network whom my taxes support in the form of welfare, an illegal substance in a back alley reeking of death and seafood. Please accept my humble apology, for you will have to continue on your search to get yourself baked. Here, let me buy you a cookie.

Sometimes I’m a fucking retard.

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Comments on: "You know you’re Canadian when…." (9)

  1. Weed? Don’t you all smoke cracked up Maple Syrup? ..and garbage juice is cool….. with a little vodka and ice.

    AND please tell me you have seen the “Spiders On Drugs” video on YouTube.. if not scoot over and check it oot.

    Um, no, I haven’t. I’m not a YouTube girl. I never go there. I don’t get it. Random videos and shiznat. I might check it oot. You never know.

  2. greenmetropolis said:

    Haha, I would have been all “FUCK NO, IT’S MY WEED!!!!! GO GET A JOB AND BUY IT IN MASSIVE QUANTITIES YOURSELVES, YOU DUMB FUCKS!!!!”

    Fucking dirtbags. Who asks for pot on the streets? Classy people have connections.

    You totally would, too.

  3. “hippies with dreadlocks, kids with guitars, bums, hobos, vagrants, drunks, crackheads, misguided prostitutes, street kids, street dogs, tourists who are seriously lost, and out of work midgets”
    Hey, that’s coooool. Crackheads are coooool.

    Duuuuuuuuuude……

  4. haha. its just a polite habit. sort of when someone says “i hope you have a good trip to florida” and you say “you too” like a complete moron because you know they sure as hell arent going to florida too.

    I think that’s exactly it. I’m used to saying, “No, sorry” to bums when they want my money….I think that threw me off.

  5. Bah-hah! Oh my God, that’s funny as shit. I don’t know why I find pot heads so annoying. It wasn’t too long ago that I had a serious case of stoneritis. I was even starting to pick up hippie tendencies. But now I almost never smoke up, and the people who do just kind of piss me off. Maybe I was pissed off the whole time and the pot just mellowed me out, I don’t know.

    Of course not all stoners are annoying. Just the lazy, too-high-to-use-common-sense types. And as far as beggars go, don’t even get me started. I’ve stood between our county jail and our courthouse, possibly the most cop infested hell block in the state, and cussed a homeless man right the fuck out for asking for money. It’s not that he asked for money, it’s that after I handed him the change in my pocket he asked for a cigarette and another dollar. I told him to give me the change back, shouted a few mother fuckers and possibly threw in a worthless bastard here and there. Never again! Beggars can bite my chode. Get a fucking job you lazy fucktard.

    Amen! I support your views wholeheartedly. Which explains why many describe me as a bigot. However, I just think that you need to do what you need to do to stay in a house…..working shit jobs included. Trust me, I don’t want to work, but I know I have to, so I do. MY money. Not yours. Same goes for weed….if I was to ever possess any.

  6. I’ve never heard of garbage juice referred to as leachate – that is great. I think you did that leach a favor by teaching him some manners. Next time he rolls up to his drug dealer, he’ll be like, “Excuse me kind sir, but may I purchase a nickel bag from you if it’s not too much trouble? Thank you so much for your attention to this matter.” I think you’ve changed him for the better.

    Oh, and your commenter “Josh’s” use of the word “fucktard” is awesome. I love seeing this word in usage.

    I’m very familiar with the term leachate. It’s all scientific and crap. It’s one of the fancy things my university education in Environmental crap provided me with.
    And I love your take on this! I feel so good about myself now! I mean, seriously just because one is a vagrant does not mean one has to be uncivilized, no?
    And fyi, search my blog for ‘mantra’. I have a cute short post with a lovely ‘fucktard’ image. You’ll like. Search!

  7. Haha…I have a terrible tendency to smile and be polite for no god-damn-fucking reason when I’m caught off guard; fucking Canadian tick….and Yo, I know you hate You Tube, but that video Paul unearthed of spiders on various narcotics is hilarious, trust me (and he makes fun of canadians in his post, which is always fun…good ammo to beat him up later with)…so yeah, if you feel inclined:

    What’s Crackin’ Canada

    PS: if that link doesn’t work, it’s cause I’m a friggin retard who sucks at code..lol…

  8. oh yay it worked..success!

  9. that’s like saying sorry to a bum for not having any change to spare 😀

    even if i had a pound of weed though, i’m not sharing. get your own stash!

    (i’m very protective of my precious wonderful weed)

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