I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

I make first impressions rather quickly and rather harshly. You sort of get one shot with me, unless I’m in a terrible mood, and then I’m likely to give you another chance since I know my hatred probably isn’t very well-justified.

The thing is, I’ve learned that most people are stupid. They are stupid and annoying and simply not worth my time at all. They ask dumb questions, they state stupid observations, they tell me about their lame ass days and interrupt me from whatever I’m doing. You get one shot. If you come off as stupid once, that’s it. You will forever be treated like a four year old who needs strings on their mittens and a helmet on icy days. A lot of the people I work with get this treatment. They don’t like it. But it’s best for everyone involved.

You see, if I wasn’t just outright condescending to them, I’d be prone to becoming violent, I do believe. I just don’t have the patience for them. In a city like Toronto, I use up all my patience on transit, sharing the sidewalks with tourists, being in line EVERYwhere, never breathing clean air, constantly having to strain to understand ‘new Canadians’ and their lovely accents, waiting on hold with shit music, dealing with aggressive panhandlers, and being witness to a number of things you can’t imagine ever happening on a daily basis. By the time it comes to dealing with idiots, I’m out. I’m done. I just want to resort to bitch slapping them. But I can’t, so I just put them down in subtle and witty ways.

BUT. What if I COULD resort to violence?? Stay with me here….

Think back to my post about me starting a new job/business. I’ve finally come up with it. I don’t have the name yet, and I probably shouldn’t be sharing it with all of you idea sucking bastards, but I’m taking a shot here.

I want to open an Anger Release Shop.

People can come to my place and just let it go. They can yell. They can punch. They can throw. They can hit. They can stomp, shoot, smack and impale. All in a safe, encouraging environment.

I will have state of the art colour printers so that people can come in, give me any sort of digital medium possessing a picture of their rage cause, and I can print it out for them all pretty and glossy like. Maybe I’ll have photoshop and they can add devil horns or stink lines or something.

They can then take those pictures and tack them up on dartboards, archery targets and those silhouette things that you shoot at in shooting ranges. Shoot your boss in the face! Shove a dart through that bitchy receptionists eye! Knock down that fucker that stunk to high hell on the subway! Stick it to the man!!

I’ll have an area where people can smash bowls, plates, cups, glasses, vases, anything! Of course, they’ll have to wear safety goggles and long-sleeved shirts, so they don’t get cut up! I’d have punching bags everywhere. If you knock one hard enough, it’ll be like a pinata, shit’ll fall out in congratulations for you being in touch with your emotions like that.

I’ll have a padded little arena spot where people can voluntarily beat the shit out of each other with plastic or foam bats. Obviously the appropriate safety equipment would be donned by each participant.

There could be a room filled with beds and kleenex boxes………wait…..I should re-word that. I meant that it could be a crying room. Once you release your rage and the tears come forth, you can cozy up on a bed with some pillows and cry your eyes out. Loud-nose blowing would be A-OK at my Rage Rodeo. Let it out folks, let it out.

I’d have boxing gloves, mouthguards, helmets, steel toed boots all for sale at the front. And on the other end, I’d have a calming down area. Some tea, some candles, some Yanni-esque (haha) music to just let you chill out to before I send you back out onto the mean streets.

Really imagine it. You’ve had a day from hell. You would SO be willing to go somewhere and pay money to physically hash it out with some other poor schmuck or to take it out on inanimate objects. Maybe I’d even have fake stuffed dogs. People seem to be into dog kicking nowadays. It’d be a good place to just go apeshit.

Obviously, this idea is FUCKING GENIUS. You so cannot argue with me. I’m shocked it doesn’t exist yet. I could have a chain. I could call it Rage Release. ‘Hey Joe, wanna go for a beer after work?’  ‘No way Carl, you fucking piss me off, you ignorant cocksucker. I’m going to Rage Release! Now smile for the camera, asshole!’

Ahhhh, I love it. I’d sure as hell pay for it.

So…..who wants to help me start it up? Hence the title, any venture capitalists out there? I’ll give you free passes.

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Comments on: "All I need is a venture capitalist…." (16)

  1. Dude. AWESOME!!!! If I wasn’t so broke, I would TOTALLY pay for the place and make myself your partner in positively channelled aggression.

    Wouldn’t it be fantastic? I mean, who WOULDN’T go?? You just go in there and jump around like a fool, breaking shit and not having to clean it up and screaming horrid things at the top of your lungs? Heaven!!!

  2. Can I open a branch here in utah?
    I think this could be huge!!!

  3. Seriously that is fucking GENIUS! I would drive the 6 hours to be a part of that. i would totally pay. seriously, i’m so privileged to fucking know you right now. i could actually picture that!!

    usually when i’m mad i listen to loud music and break my own stuff. i’d much rather pay to listen to loud music and break stuff that isn’t mine. i’m running out of stuff…

    I know! Being mad gets expensive! Yeah, and I’d have the mother of all music libraries, so people could smash away to whatever soundtrack they liked!

  4. Actually, similar activities already exist. For instance, lots and lots of people participate in various martial arts and combat training for recreation and stress relief. There’s the sport of paint ball where you get to shoot real life people in a simulated combat situation. People enter in destruction derbys and similarly destructive events to get to smash shit up. And I remembered a report about a place in Japan where you got to go into a room and smash things. I could only find one report on it.

    http://www.langston.com/Fun_People/1997/1997AOZ.html

    I quote their breif explanation here. “The Associated Press reported in February on the Time Machine lounge in Tokyo, and the “relief room” at the Yamanakako resort, in which stressed-out workers pay from about $80 to $125 for a few minutes of satisfaction by smashing fake ceramic antiques in a museum-like sitting room. Often, say the proprietors, the names of tyrannical bosses or unfaithful spouses will be yelled out as the destruction takes place.”

    I think combining all these activities, and your borderline genius improvements is a superb idea. When I hit the lottery I’ll let you know.

    And what’s a “new canadian”? I would suppose it’s a recent immigrant. (duh, here I go with the stupid questions you love so much) But I didn’t know y’all had an immigration problem. And Canadians sound pretty much like Americans. Are you guys getting Mexicans all the way up there, I didn’t think they were going that far north. Or is it Americans moving in, maybe some southern white trash with a drawl like me ; ), or some other people group who don’t speak like you guys? Or is it the French Canadians, I know french folks are hard to understand.

    First off, no more poo-pooing my novel ideas on the comments page, Josh! Sheesh! But thank you for at least acknowledging my genius improvements. You redeemed yourself.
    Second, a new canadian is a recent immigrant. And clearly you’ve never been to Toronto. I am a minority in Toronto, for I am white. According to the Canadian government, this also means I’m evil, but I’ve said too much. No, these people aren’t speaking French. If they were, I could understand them.

  5. this sounds like a good idea. I would like to invest in your idea. and if they decide not to leave the premises, you can use high powered water pistols

    Or loud sirens in their ears.

  6. Loooooove this. As usual, it’s right on the money. We should really go over this at le Bitch, it’s a fantastic idea. People in Toronto are usually pissed off, we just are.

    We should discuss it. I think it has very real potential. I just need money. Maybe I can beat someone up in the spirit of the place and take their money to start it up. Hmmmm….

  7. I would be first in line.
    I’ve had the month from Hell.
    Too bad I’m broke (which has alot to do with having the month from Hell) or I would help out.

    Being broke sucks ass. You would be allowed one free pass to beat the hell out whatever you wanted, to get rid of some rage. After that though, you’re paying. This ain’t no charity.

  8. Can I volunteer to have the crap kicked out of me by cute chicks..? Or at least let them try….

    But you better offer good benefits..

    I’m sure I could find some females who would be willing to kick the shit out of you, no doubt. Especially if you’re willing to wear a mask of their boyfriends face. And if you’re volunteering, you get no benefits. Sucker.

  9. I second that. i would also like to get the crap kicked out of me by cute chicks.

    Will you volunteer? At this rate, I won’t even need to hire staff.

  10. hmm, good idea, I just kickbox to get the rage out, but impaling sounds fun too…

    See, but kickboxing has that whole ‘exercise is good for you’ thing too. And I don’t want to exercise. I want to be mad.

  11. Hoo boy, no shit. You aren’t kidding. There’s an ass load of immigrants in Toronto, I just looked it up. We have a lot of immigrants too. But mostly just mexicans. And all those ass holes over in the ghetto. Technically they speak english, but I can’t uderstand a damn word they say. There’s not much that pisses me off more than thugs who were born in an english speaking country, but murder the language cause 50 cent says it’s cool to be ignorant. Fuck that. The beaners are actually a really cool bunch of immigrants though. I don’t know why people hate them so bad.

    And I wasn’t poo-pooing your idea. I think it kicks ass, I’m with you 100%. And I’m with Paul B. and Thatpessimist. I’d totally volunteer to throw on some protective gear and let women beat the shit out of me. I think it’d be fun, and sort of a turn on. Sex and violence, you know how it is.

  12. Can you make sure the day Leaf comes in, that I have a day off. I am kinda happy to avoid frustrated kick boxers.

    Absolutely. We should have a decent amount of advance warning. She lives at the bottom of the earth and all….it’ll take her a bit to get up here. You realize you’ll have to come to Canadialand, right?

  13. I think she lives in Middle Earth or some shit like that.. and yeah I am willing to come to the big Moose but my only problem is I don’t speak the language.

    I know how to say “Anyhoo” but not much more than that, which means I might struggle to get past passport control.

  14. Oh hey FYI
    come over and visit…I’m doing a recipe exchange. Please come and join in!!!

  15. Okay, there’s been at least 3 different comments about hiring Canadian chicks to kick some fucking ass. If you decide to go this route, I will send you my resume STAT, ’cause the amount of fucking male ass that needs to be kicked by me if off the fucking charts.

    God I need to smoke some fucking crack and chill out or something.

    PS: all this immigrant talk…I fill like the brown elephant in the room…thank god my parents have their citizenship, or you bitches would be hunting me down…lol…

  16. wow !!
    its very interesting article.
    Nice post.
    realy gj

    thank you 😉

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