I make first impressions rather quickly and rather harshly. You sort of get one shot with me, unless I’m in a terrible mood, and then I’m likely to give you another chance since I know my hatred probably isn’t very well-justified.
The thing is, I’ve learned that most people are stupid. They are stupid and annoying and simply not worth my time at all. They ask dumb questions, they state stupid observations, they tell me about their lame ass days and interrupt me from whatever I’m doing. You get one shot. If you come off as stupid once, that’s it. You will forever be treated like a four year old who needs strings on their mittens and a helmet on icy days. A lot of the people I work with get this treatment. They don’t like it. But it’s best for everyone involved.
You see, if I wasn’t just outright condescending to them, I’d be prone to becoming violent, I do believe. I just don’t have the patience for them. In a city like Toronto, I use up all my patience on transit, sharing the sidewalks with tourists, being in line EVERYwhere, never breathing clean air, constantly having to strain to understand ‘new Canadians’ and their lovely accents, waiting on hold with shit music, dealing with aggressive panhandlers, and being witness to a number of things you can’t imagine ever happening on a daily basis. By the time it comes to dealing with idiots, I’m out. I’m done. I just want to resort to bitch slapping them. But I can’t, so I just put them down in subtle and witty ways.
BUT. What if I COULD resort to violence?? Stay with me here….
Think back to my post about me starting a new job/business. I’ve finally come up with it. I don’t have the name yet, and I probably shouldn’t be sharing it with all of you idea sucking bastards, but I’m taking a shot here.
I want to open an Anger Release Shop.
People can come to my place and just let it go. They can yell. They can punch. They can throw. They can hit. They can stomp, shoot, smack and impale. All in a safe, encouraging environment.
I will have state of the art colour printers so that people can come in, give me any sort of digital medium possessing a picture of their rage cause, and I can print it out for them all pretty and glossy like. Maybe I’ll have photoshop and they can add devil horns or stink lines or something.
They can then take those pictures and tack them up on dartboards, archery targets and those silhouette things that you shoot at in shooting ranges. Shoot your boss in the face! Shove a dart through that bitchy receptionists eye! Knock down that fucker that stunk to high hell on the subway! Stick it to the man!!
I’ll have an area where people can smash bowls, plates, cups, glasses, vases, anything! Of course, they’ll have to wear safety goggles and long-sleeved shirts, so they don’t get cut up! I’d have punching bags everywhere. If you knock one hard enough, it’ll be like a pinata, shit’ll fall out in congratulations for you being in touch with your emotions like that.
I’ll have a padded little arena spot where people can voluntarily beat the shit out of each other with plastic or foam bats. Obviously the appropriate safety equipment would be donned by each participant.
There could be a room filled with beds and kleenex boxes………wait…..I should re-word that. I meant that it could be a crying room. Once you release your rage and the tears come forth, you can cozy up on a bed with some pillows and cry your eyes out. Loud-nose blowing would be A-OK at my Rage Rodeo. Let it out folks, let it out.
I’d have boxing gloves, mouthguards, helmets, steel toed boots all for sale at the front. And on the other end, I’d have a calming down area. Some tea, some candles, some Yanni-esque (haha) music to just let you chill out to before I send you back out onto the mean streets.
Really imagine it. You’ve had a day from hell. You would SO be willing to go somewhere and pay money to physically hash it out with some other poor schmuck or to take it out on inanimate objects. Maybe I’d even have fake stuffed dogs. People seem to be into dog kicking nowadays. It’d be a good place to just go apeshit.
Obviously, this idea is FUCKING GENIUS. You so cannot argue with me. I’m shocked it doesn’t exist yet. I could have a chain. I could call it Rage Release. ‘Hey Joe, wanna go for a beer after work?’ ‘No way Carl, you fucking piss me off, you ignorant cocksucker. I’m going to Rage Release! Now smile for the camera, asshole!’
Ahhhh, I love it. I’d sure as hell pay for it.
So…..who wants to help me start it up? Hence the title, any venture capitalists out there? I’ll give you free passes.