I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

I’m in love with a woman.

And she doesn’t even know I exist. Probably because she doesn’t actually exist. Her name is Bridget Jones. And I have loved her madly since 2001. That is six years of unrequited love folks.

I love this movie. No, no….I HEART this movie. And I heart very few things as I’m sure you’ve all noticed.

 It speaks to me.

I’m not sure why I even bother watching the movie anymore. I can recite the entire thing on my own. I’ve tried converting others to Bridget followers. It hasn’t been much of a success. Awesome Friend refuses to watch it. The boyfriend hates it. I got my grandma to watch it, but after I realized how often it references sex, cumming, lesbianism and uses the word fuck every thirteen seconds, etc, etc, I feigned extreme exhaustion in a totally transparent attempt to get her to turn off the movie so I could escape to my room in her house and hide my head in shame, wondering what the fuck I was thinking. I’m sure my grandma thinks me quite a tramp now. Whatever. She still likes me.

It is from Bridget that I have gotten such incredible phrases like, “How interesting. What  gripping life you do lead,” and “Shut up please, I’m very busy and important.” That is a seriously valuable part of my vocabulary.

And it has Hugh Grant in it! Come on! We all love Hugh Grant. He’s bumblingly charming in a way only British men can be. It has blue soup, scary granny stomach-holding-in panties, dysfunctional familieis, friends who totally don’t care about her, a fight scene where a guy breaks through a window of a Greek restaurant,  costume parties gone wrong, Home shopping TV affairs, and countless moments of embarassments that make my stupidities look utterly brilliant. How can one not relate??

Plus, have we SEEN that opening scene? I love it! Where she sits in her apartment singing along to Celine Dion with a glass of wine and a newspaper? In fact, just today (I’m watching it as I type this) while I watched that, I was mimicking it in a completely ‘dance like no one’s watching’ fashion and I cracked my neck. It was LOUD. But shit did it ever feel good!! I’ve honestly been trying to crack it for months. And what did it really need? A dose of my girl Bridget. Of course!

Plus, she’s a bit chubby. Which is cool. Cuz really, I’m over the supermodel thin look. I was really into it during my 13 years of ballet (hello anorexia!) but now I love me my Second Cup white mocha’s and hazelnut lattes with disgusting amounts of cinnamon and my wine. She gets this. She loves wine too. Even thought I’m sure she drinks some nasty British shit wine. I dont know, does Britian even make wine? Their beer is shit. Their cooking is shit. Damn, how did they rule the world at one point? They got everything wrong and they drive on the left! Crazy Brits.

Okay kids. If you haven’t seen this movie, you must at least give it a try. Promise me. If you have, then obviously you love it, so go ahead and tell me why.

The sequel? SUCKED ASS. Don’t even get me started. Ugh. For now, I’ll stick with the original. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to get to the scene where Bridget walks in on Hugh Grant cheating on her with an ‘American stick insect’. This requires my full attention, so I can be offended properly for my girl. I bid you adieu.

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Comments on: "I’m in love with a woman." (14)

  1. I love the part where she’s in her apartment miserable and she scrapes the mold off the cheese to eat it, and she imagines someone will find her eaten by wild dogs. Such a great movie.

    Yes! And then she eats marmalade out of the jar whilst staring sadly out to the foggy London streets. Sigh. Bridget, she has my heart, that one.

  2. I LOVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE this movie; seriously, check my facebook; it’s on my “favourite movies” list (I’m so fucking cool…)

    And you know why you’re officially my movie-soulmate? ‘Cause I friggin’ HATED the sequel too!! Like I read the 2nd book, and it was cool, but the movie was a bag of crap…

    BUT ANYWAY, I’ve seen it over 20 times, and it’s just pure magic; what a cool effed-up chick…my hero 🙂

    And holy friggin’ crap, I won’t even go into my English-Crush on Colin Firth, don’t even get me started (drool…)

    My favourite funny part: when that friggin’ tuna explodes all over her (WHAT?!??!) and she starts cursing like a sailor…

    My favourite cheesy part: when she’s leaving that hoity-toity couples-dinner (fucking shoot me if I ever wind up at a snobby “couples dinner”), and Mark Darcy’s all like “yo, I like you just as you are”, and Bridget’s face is all like “wtf?”…loved it 🙂

    Did I tell you I love this movie? 😉

    Yeah! “This is Bridge Jones, searching for tuna”, then it explodes and she’s all ‘fucka fucka fucka!’ And they use the word ‘gunge’ in that scene too, which is phenomenal of course.
    And then her friends all make fun of her, ‘To Bridget….whom we love, just as she is’. Then she gives them the cut-eye.
    Romi, I could talk about this movie all day. It brings out the girliest girliness in me.

  3. I’m sorry Talea, but I am forbidden from ever watching that movie by the fact that I have a cock. I just can’t. Maybe one day I will be in a situation where I have the opportunity to have sex with someone, but only by watching the movie, and then it would be ok. But for now, man law is very clear on the matter. Plus it had Hugh Grant, and he can suck a chode. You know how charming he is to females? Well that is how annoying he is to men. (except for himself, because he is not a real man) I proclaim a pox on him and his charming brittish offspring for seven generations!

    Josh, you are excused. I guess. Begrudgingly. I can definitely see how ownership of a penis could seriously be an obstacle to watching this movie.

  4. Well, I think my blog title gives away that I am a fan… 😛

    I know. When I found you while killing time on the interweb (I don’t remember how I came to your site, probably going blogroll through blogroll, you know, six degrees of seperation and all that), I knew I had to add you. Because as a true Bridget lover, I saw the reference right away and I knew I couldn’t hate you.

  5. I haven’t seen it yet, but i trust your judgement and i’ll check it out. but i want you to check out a movie called “waiting”, if you have already, then you know it’s fabulous, but if not, i did a review of it somewhere on my blog and it’s the funniest shit!! really, i cannot tell a lie!

    I cannot believe you haven’t seen this movie yet!! I don’t know about you anymore……..
    Who is in this ‘Waiting’ movie you speak of?

  6. I love Bridget too, although more so in book form than movie.l I read the books, so I thought the movie was just okay.

    Waiting? I think that’s the one with Ryan Reynolds. Funny. I loved when that angry girl gets up on the table and shows her vag! Hilarious.

    I never read the book….which makes me feel like an illiterate slob, but I”m just so in love with the movie, I fear the book would ruin it or vice versa.

  7. oh, please don’t hate. I’m working on being cooler, really I am!

    Waiting has Ryan Reynolds, Justin Long, and Anna Farris. It’s a comedy about working in a chain restaurant/bar and it’s some of the funniest shit i’ve ever seen. Seriously! you won’t be disappointed. Ok, well in me, maybe, but not in the movie.

    Oh now, how could I possibly hate someone that just won a blog of the day award?? I can’t! But you’ll earn extra brownie points if you report back that you’ve watched it.

  8. Yo… I gotta wave mine in the wind like Josh too.. this movie is like seriously girly material although I have to admit having it at home is a sure fire way to guarantee girls WILL come and visit you at your place without too much effort.. Not that I have a copy or anything… nooooooooo.

    But you knew a guy who knew a guy who owned Bridget Jones’ Diary for that reason, right Paul?

  9. I ❤ this movie soooo much. I’m all about the fireman’s poll but I really can’t remember if it is in 1 or 2. But #1 was so much better.
    I’m with Romi on the Colin Firth page and Joebec on the Waiting movie (just rent it already).

    Oh, the infamous bum and the fireman’s pole scene. That was the first movie. Obvs, cuz the second movie sucked ass if you’ll recall.
    and you’ve all intrigued me with this Waiting business. The boyfriend is away next week, mayhaps I shall rent it then…

  10. greenmetropolis said:

    I think I have enough balls to side with Paul and Josh on this one. I fucking hate chick flicks, chick lit, etc. etc. And all I need to get my ‘crazy dysfunctional family’ kick is give my grandmother a call and have her threaten to crucify me.

    You be quiet. You leave me and my blog following alone greenie!

  11. Whoa… Dude. I wasn’t going to say anything, but this cements it. You are STRANGE.

    (This is coming from a girl who could *cough*HAS*cough* watch Love Actually 3 times in a row with breaks only for the bathroom and move snacks. )

    Ha, you thought that would seperate you from me in terms of being strange? Welllll, guess what my second fav movie is? that’s right……..Love Actually.

  12. Ive never seen it. Nor the sequel.

  13. LOVE it, but also wasn’t crazy about the second one.

    Your post was hilarious!

  14. […] because of my love for Bridget Jones’s Diary (which was recently stirred by my friend Talea’s post), but all I could think tonight was: holy frick, English accents […]

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