And she doesn’t even know I exist. Probably because she doesn’t actually exist. Her name is Bridget Jones. And I have loved her madly since 2001. That is six years of unrequited love folks.
I love this movie. No, no….I HEART this movie. And I heart very few things as I’m sure you’ve all noticed.
I’m not sure why I even bother watching the movie anymore. I can recite the entire thing on my own. I’ve tried converting others to Bridget followers. It hasn’t been much of a success. Awesome Friend refuses to watch it. The boyfriend hates it. I got my grandma to watch it, but after I realized how often it references sex, cumming, lesbianism and uses the word fuck every thirteen seconds, etc, etc, I feigned extreme exhaustion in a totally transparent attempt to get her to turn off the movie so I could escape to my room in her house and hide my head in shame, wondering what the fuck I was thinking. I’m sure my grandma thinks me quite a tramp now. Whatever. She still likes me.
It is from Bridget that I have gotten such incredible phrases like, “How interesting. What gripping life you do lead,” and “Shut up please, I’m very busy and important.” That is a seriously valuable part of my vocabulary.
And it has Hugh Grant in it! Come on! We all love Hugh Grant. He’s bumblingly charming in a way only British men can be. It has blue soup, scary granny stomach-holding-in panties, dysfunctional familieis, friends who totally don’t care about her, a fight scene where a guy breaks through a window of a Greek restaurant, costume parties gone wrong, Home shopping TV affairs, and countless moments of embarassments that make my stupidities look utterly brilliant. How can one not relate??
Plus, have we SEEN that opening scene? I love it! Where she sits in her apartment singing along to Celine Dion with a glass of wine and a newspaper? In fact, just today (I’m watching it as I type this) while I watched that, I was mimicking it in a completely ‘dance like no one’s watching’ fashion and I cracked my neck. It was LOUD. But shit did it ever feel good!! I’ve honestly been trying to crack it for months. And what did it really need? A dose of my girl Bridget. Of course!
Plus, she’s a bit chubby. Which is cool. Cuz really, I’m over the supermodel thin look. I was really into it during my 13 years of ballet (hello anorexia!) but now I love me my Second Cup white mocha’s and hazelnut lattes with disgusting amounts of cinnamon and my wine. She gets this. She loves wine too. Even thought I’m sure she drinks some nasty British shit wine. I dont know, does Britian even make wine? Their beer is shit. Their cooking is shit. Damn, how did they rule the world at one point? They got everything wrong and they drive on the left! Crazy Brits.
Okay kids. If you haven’t seen this movie, you must at least give it a try. Promise me. If you have, then obviously you love it, so go ahead and tell me why.
The sequel? SUCKED ASS. Don’t even get me started. Ugh. For now, I’ll stick with the original. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to get to the scene where Bridget walks in on Hugh Grant cheating on her with an ‘American stick insect’. This requires my full attention, so I can be offended properly for my girl. I bid you adieu.