I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

On being North American

I’m currently sitting here, at my desk, so full that I cannot sit comfortably.

My waistband is unhappy with me, my stomach is stretched to capacity, I can hear my hips growing and still I eat more. There is still food on my plate, you see. And it was free. And the gargantuant North American in me screams “moooooooooooooore! Eat MOOOORE!” as crumbs fly out and I dribble coffee down my chin.

It isn’t pretty.

But I can’t stop. I simply cannot. I must eat everything on my plate. And that plate must be filled so that I cannot see any of the ceramic, all I want to visually intake is food, food and more food. No plate. I cannot eat that of course.

I can’t be done eating until I’m so full I kick myself for being such an idiot yet again. Or, I would kick myself if I could just move in these pants…..fucking tighter than I remember them being. Damn Chinese factories, making ever-shrinking pants. I tell ya.

I don’t quite understand why we do this to ourselves. Now, I’m not an American, so we don’t eat AS extreme as they do (holy shit, their portions could crush some children, I’m sure) but Canada is pretty close in terms of eating. I feel seriously depressed when a restaurant brings me my meal and all of it can fit into my visual field at once.

No! I want more! And where the hell is my free bread with butter? Why is this water glass so tiny? Oh no you don’t! You don’t fill up that pop glass with ice, so that I’m fooled into thinking I’m getting a lot of pop. I’m on to you! I’m a North American and my appetite is UNSURPRESSABLE!!!!

I’m not sure how we created a society of bloody cookie monsters. We all go apeshit when we see food, and it isn’t for lack of exposure, that’s for sure. But we all jump on our food like impatient vultures and shovel it in, a la Homer, until we can’t move and we become immobile belching machines. Then we have dessert. Then we have a coffee. Then a little snack before bed. Hell, slip some to the dog too.

Then we all run to the gym to sign up for memberships. ‘This time, I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna go! Woo! I can TOTALLY get up at 6AM to run on the spot for 45 minutes! Yay me!’ We go once. Maybe twice. We throw our money down the drain. Then we take our slightly skinnier wallets to the mall and buy ourselves some new fatter clothes. As we’re walking out, we notice our feet pinch in our shoes. Fucking Chinese factory ever-shrinking shoes! We waddle back in and buy comfier (read: wider) shoes for our feet. The wallet shrinks again.

We get home and realize we’re poorer than we were and that we’ve just shopped in a plus-size store and had to buy EEE shoes, so that our fat feet can shuffle through our days in slightly more comfort. We get depressed. Look in the mirror, pinch our flab, obsess over that spare tire, cringe at our back fat. Fuck it. Who cares. Where’s that Ben & Jerry’s? They’re nice boys. Ben & Jerry always understand.

We sit on the couch all night, drowning in misery, ice cream and donuts. We cry over the pretty models in the magazines and draw ugly Hitler moustaches on their bony, exoskeleton-like faces. Whores. Skinny bony whores. We flip the channels and see starving kids whose entire bodies cannot challenge the circumfrence of our torsos. Pffft. More ice cream.

We eat when bored, we eat when angry, we eat when hungry, we eat when drunk, we eat when offered, we eat when there’s just nothing else to do.

What the hell do they do in other countries? Stare at walls? I don’t know. It seems to me that the French should be fat for all their baguettes and coffees, the Italians should be fat for all their pasta and vino, the Greeks should be fat for all their rice and ouzo, the Chinese should be fat for all their white rice, the Brits should be fat for all their fish and chips………but they’re not. I don’t get it.

Maybe they don’t stuff their faces until they can’t move. That might be it. Who knows.

I just thought I’d write about this. But of course, I have to end this with saying I am not fat. Nor am I overweight. Too many years in a ballet studio have screwed me up enough in the head to not let myself get that way really. But I am an overeater at times. And it’s gross really. But I can’t stop. I’m North American and I’ll eat my way through this life until it kills me.

Literally.

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Comments on: "On being North American" (7)

  1. oh, i SO feel you on this! we had a party for halloween and we all gorged ourselves until we couldn’t walk!

    I must disagree about the gym though. I have had a gym membership since I was about 18 and I like to challenge myself to see how many consecutive days (ok, weeks/years) I don’t go! I’m on a roll. Haven’t gone since 2000!

    I pretty much only get to the gym on Mondays. By the time Tuesday comes around, i’m already too tired and apathetic to get up. So I stay home and eat more.
    And 7 years…….that takes dedication!

  2. Yeah, um, I haven’t been to the gym in over a month. But I don’t eat when I’m bored. Because I’m poor. Because I spent my last $60 on weed. Which I smoke when I’m bored. Then I’m hungry, but really amused.

    I’m a weed virgin, so I have all this disposable income kicking around, and I use it to buy food. Glorious, glorious food!

  3. But food is just so good. You have to eat tons of it. You just have to! Especially chinese food. oh man. I can go for some of that right now.

    The greatest thing about Chinese food is you can eat tons of it and be hungry again in half an hour, before it even gets cold! You don’t even have to waste time zapping it in the microwave!

  4. Ha! Our portions could “crush children” – so true. I also agree with your point about toe fat. After thick meals, I notice I have additional toe-age, and I’m not ok with that. I find myself mentally calling the models on TV or in the mags unreal or fake, as if they literally don’t exist in real life. So once I convinced myself that they don’t really exist, I’ve felt better about myself.

    I read this quote in a great book I read last summer: “We spend our whole lives trying to be skinny just so we can find a guy who will love us if we get fat.”

    I always think about that and laugh because it’s kind of true. But I’ve changed my mind lately about it all – I just eat what I want to, and when I feel fat or gross or whatever, I just drink. That always makes me feel better.

    Absolutely. I mean, booze can’t make you fat, right? It’s liquid! How can it stick to you?? Matter doesn’t come out of liquid, it comes out of matter! right? Along that line of thinking, did you know that there’s no calories if you eat standing up? It’s true!

  5. Yeah, so? Of course Americans eat way way way too much. We do everything way too much. Look at our porn, booze, and crime rate. We have the luxury of overindulgence in everything. And don’t think because you are one state away that y’all are any different. Canadians might as well be from any of the northern border states. And there is nothing at all wrong with eating untill you feel sick.

    I am not really overweight. Maybe five or six pounds, but for a dude, that’s nothing. And I usually only eat one or two meals a day, but when i do eat, I go all out. Especially when I do the buffet hustle. That’s when you pay for all you can eat, and you are wasting your hard earned money until you waddle up to that buffet to cover your plate for the third time and get the “all you can eat” that you bought. It hurts afterwards, but it is good for the soul. It makes you happy and sleepy and maybe even content with everything in life for a few minutes. All is well, and who cares what you weigh. I mean Jeez, your avatar isn’t getting any fatter.

    First, we are not one state away my friend. There’s this crazy thing called a ‘border’ between us. That and we don’t have states. We have provinces. Now that I have given you my standard “Ignorant American Lecture #38” I can move on.
    How can you only eat one or two meals a day? Shit dude, I eat constantly. It is good for the soul, and I just want a happy ‘Inner Talea’ I guess. I love that ‘sleepy cuz you just ate’ feeling and the nap that inevitably follows. You may not have emerged for my nap post, but it goes into great detail about how much I love napping.
    I also find it quite funny in a non-funny way how you quote crime rate to showcase America’s excess. Priceless.

  6. Wait a minute… Isn’t Canada part of Alaska or something like that?

    Or did I get it wrong?

  7. You are definitely right. I feel the same way. And I hate it when they fill the glass with ice so you can get little coke! one time at the Olive Garden, i asked if they could take the ice out and they refused. It’s so ridiculous. North America is fat. we are all going to die from overeating and diabetes. I eat all the freakin’ time, because there is honestly nothing else to do. Good thing I don’t gain a pound 🙂

    Loco

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