1. My uncle once: had this ‘lady friend’ named Rose, who nobody knew much about. She showed up to all the family events, but nobody was sure if they were married or not. She never said much. This uncle was my Uncle Shit. I have no idea why he was named that. He just was.
2. Never in my life: have I ever done any drugs. Never. I’ve never even smoked a cigarette. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I’ve ever even held a cigarette…huh….
3. When I was five: I skipped a grade. That’s right kids, I’m a smarty pants! They wanted to skip me two grades, but my parents wouldn’t let them cuz they were worried that would hurt me socially. Little did they know, I’d turn out to hate everyone anyways, so it wouldn’t have made a difference. Oh well.
4. High School was: luckily, one of those things where you don’t realize the degree of horribleness until you’re out of it and looking back. Ugh. High school was lame. I was a nothing kid. Not a loser, not a jock, not popular, not in the chess club, I was just there. I got into a lot of arguments with teachers though.
5. I will never forget: the moment I found out my grandpa died. I remember everything. Where I was, what I was wearing, what went through my head…..awful.
6. I once met: uh…..I don’t know. I haven’t really met anybody famous. I met the director of the Saw movies (which I love). I’ve met mediocre celebrities, but none are coming to mind right now.
7. There’s this girl I know who: wronged me. Once. That was the end of that. I found her. I reamed her out in public. I made a BIG fucking scene at her work. I’m talking HUGE. All the customers stopped and stared, all her co-workers came from wherever they were and stood there, listening to me scream at the top of my lungs. I wasn’t screaming very nice things either. Hahaha. MWAHAHAHAHA. She got fired from that job after. I’d like to think it was partially due to her tendency to ‘have crazies come in and scream like nuts during work time!’ Cunt. I hope she gets hers. Karma’s a bitch, honey, it’s a realllll bitch.
8. Once, at a bar: I almost got kicked out, cuz I put my head down on the table cuz I was tired. They didn’t want to be responsible for me dying of overdrinking, so they told me if I did it again, I was out. Pft. Losers.
9. By noon, I’m usually: Ready to quit my job. The only thing that stops me is money. Seriously, if I could afford it, I’d run out of here screaming. I’m also
10. Last night: I debated about whether or not I should actually go home for Christmas. I also knitted. I ate some food. I probably watched TV too. I dont know. I’m sorry, that was a boring answer.
11. If I only had: everything I wanted, life would be divine.
12. Next time I go to church: will probably be Christmas Eve, only if I don’t go home. If I do go home, then who the hell knows. Haha, I said hell in a sentence about church. My family isn’t terribly churchy. If I go, it’ll probably piss my mom off. Cuz, well, what doesn’t?
13. Terry Shiavo: should not have been forced to stay alive in that state. They should have let her die with dignity and respect instead of forcing her to be a vegetable and be humiliated nationwide. People should put aside their petty arguments when it comes to people’s rights to die. Sheesh.
14. What worries me most: is pretty much everything. Yep. I’m a worrier.
15. When I turn my head left, I see: This guy who just walked into reception who has the scariest reception to Michael Jackson that i have EVER SEEN. He has the horrible nose, the too tight skin, the inability to look me in the eye when answering basic questions as to his business here…..this guy is WEIRD.
16. When I turn my head right, I see: A door. A door to the rest of the office, which I try desperately to avoid.
17. You know I’m lying when: I don’t lie. I never lie. I’m brutally honest. I see no point in lying.
18. What I miss most about the eighties: was the fact that I was a kid and didn’t have to work for a living. Also, Saturday morning cartoons were awesome back then. I also miss jelly shoes, synthesizers, big hair, blue eyeshadow and shoulder pads. Haha. Kidding, I don’t miss any of those. I’m not crazy.
19. If I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: that one who fell into the pond and died cuz they were too in love with their reflection. Or wait……that was Greek mythology, wasn’t it? Or Roman mythology? Did Roman’s have mythology? Where am I? Who’s touching me?
20. By this time next year: I’ll be superstar famous. And if that fails, then I’ll probably be doing the same shit as I do now. I have no crazy dreams or goals. I’m too lazy and apathetic to try that hard. Who am I kidding? By this time next year, I’ll probably be asleep.
21. A better name for me would be: nothing. I love my name. I think a prefix might be appropriate. Blunt Talea, Snarky Talea, Super Awesome Talea. The list goes on, really.
22. I have a hard time understanding: idiots. I don’t get them. They seem to do things that make no sense. And I don’t know how they get dressed in the morning. I also don’t understand chemistry or physics.
23. If I ever go back to school I’ll : sure as hell not go to University. What a waste of time. I’d go to college, and actually learn some practical and useful skills. Plus, I’d be way smarter than all the college kids, so I’d feel pretty good about myself.
24. You know I like you if: I don’t patronize you. Or, if I smile near you. It’s a bit easier to tell if I DON’T like you though. Um, just kind of trust me……..you’d know. (See #7).
25. If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: huh. You know, I honestly don’t know. Probably the boyfriend, cuz he backs me up no matter what stupid thing I’m currently obsessed with.
26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: Have nothing in common so far as I can see. Um, root beer, palm tree, George Washington & pond scum. Same idea.
27. Take my advice, never: deny me my naps.
28. My ideal breakfast is: one cooked by my Grandma. She always makes coffee and just some toast. But it’s good, cuz my Grandma makes it.
29. A song I love, but do not own is: Probably most of them. I don’t own much music at all.
30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: dressing warmly. And not talking about Toronto. And for the love of all things holy, pretend like you care about farming and do NOT try prairie oyster. Locals will try to trick you into it. Don’t fall for it.
31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: I love tulips, character flaws are what makes stuff interesting, I couldn’t give a shit about microchips and track stars are total freaks with too much time on their hands. Go sit down and eat some donuts! Geez.
32. Why won’t people: stop trying to make small talk with me?!?!?! I hate it! I don’t do it, and I don’t even try to pretend like I do. Yet they continue……
33. If you spend the night at my house: you’re probably too drunk to drive. That’s kind of the only reason I’d let you stick around. I like my privacy. Get out of my house.
34. I’d stop my wedding for: I have no idea. I’m not big on getting married to begin with……I’ve never thought of it. A medical emergency?
35. The world could do without: oh, don’t even get me started.
36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: go bungee jumping or go into space. You could not pay me enough to ever do either of those.
37. My favorite blonde is: This is a dumb question. Next.
38. Paper clips are more useful than: most people I encounter on a daily basis.
39. If I do anything well, it’s: bitch and moan.
40. And by the way: I’m always right.