I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

Hello. Welcome to my latest, and most helpful tutorial. I’m a bigwig here at work, and I’m in charge of taking people’s money and making sure they pay us for things like rent, etc.

I’ve heard all kinds of excuses as to why things aren’t paid, why they’re late, why they don’t feel the charges are justified, blah blah blah.

I don’t care why you pay me late. I really don’t. Hell, I don’t even care if you pay late at all. Doesn’t affect me at all. It just makes us more free money by allowing me to tack on a late fee. Talk away, that late fee is NOT getting credited suckers.

It seems my clients have serious difficulties with understanding the concept of a DUE date. So that I can spare all my bloggy friends the shame and humiliation that comes with making up the lamest excuses ever when they pay things past this mysterious DUE date, I will define it for you:

A DUE date is when your payment (money  you owe to someone, in exchange for them providing you with various goods and/or services….generally taken in credit, cash or cheque form, though some venues may accept sexual favours………I do not, however) is due to a vendor/supplier. This transaction occurs with both sides entering into it willingly (usually, I’m not getting into ransom and shit, that’s just messy), and both parties benefit. Payer gets something, payee gets money. You know.

Let’s go through an example. Say little Johnny rents an office. He has signed an agreement with the landlord to pay the office rent and any other fees he may rack up. Little Johnny gets an invoice in his mail on oh, the 13th. The invoice says: DUE DATE DEC 1, 2007. Now…..when is Johnny’s payment expected to be there?  Think hard. That’s right. Before or on December 1, 2007. Johnny has been given ample time to take the 33 seconds to write out a cheque.

Generally, after a DUE date has passed, one is subject to late fees/penalties/interest charges. This is a tactic used for decades, so as to encourage patrons to pay their damned invoices on time, and to keep the accounting department happy and quiet. I promise, this is a common practice. Some companies you may have heard of do this; for example, VISA, Bell, Rogers, etc. Coincidentally, we do it too.

So why is it that people who have presumably been paying invoices for most of their life, seem SO STUNNED when they get hit with late fees??

“What?? Nobody TOLD me I had to pay on time!”

“Huh? But, I never pay on time and it’s never been a problem!”

“You didn’t give me enough notice that it had to be paid on time!”

“What memo? You sent out a memo? I’m supposed to READ those?”

“Oh, like, you’ll seriously charge me late fees if I pay five days late?”

“The cheque is in my drawer. I’m just not paying to spite you……what? You’ll still charge me late fees? But I’ve already wrote it! Trust me!”

“No. You are wrong. I did pay you. I don’t know why there’s no bank record of the payment…..”

“Well, yeah, I saw the due date, but……*mumble mumble fading away* Do you really have to charge me late fees?”

“I won’t pay. What do you mean you’ll lock me out? You can’t do that! What do you mean it’s in my lease? Let me see that! That’s not my signature! “*Looking around all shifty-eyed, indicating it is indeed their signature*

“I KNOW I signed a lease. But I just don’t feel like staying. What do you mean there’s a penalty for that??”

And folks, the best one EVER, I got yesterday. Someone came in to pay their invoice 4 days late. He was mad, cuz there were late fees on the invoice from last month, since he paid 2 weeks late. I was explaining to him exactly what I’ve outlined above. And in just as condescending a manner, as well. He goes to me:

I couldn’t pay this on time. I had a cold sore yesterday.”

I’ll wait for you to stop laughing hysterically and/or close your mouths after your jaws dropped open.

I was taken aback. I think I actually laughed in his face. Then I mockingly asked if he’s ever called VISA and asked for his interest to be reversed because he stubbed his toe earlier in the week. He didn’t appreciate that.

Lesson?? If you want to avoid late fees, pay before or on the due date. It is THAT simple my friends. And if you want to try and plead your case, at least make your injuries and illnesses gory. Cold sores aren’t going to cut it. They will only cause the accountant to laugh and back away, so as not to be infected with your grossness and/or stupidity.

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Comments on: "A tutorial on avoiding late fees" (13)

  1. greenmetropolis said:

    Fucking fucktarded fuckers. Seriously! Who the hell is so goddamned stupid?!?!? REALLY?!?!?

    For those of you who read Talea’s blog frequently, you may know that I work with her. And I see this retardery. I write down “THIS PERSON HAD US STAMP AN ENVELOPE FOR 1.10 ON THIS DATE AND IT WENT TO THIS ADDRESS.” They will then whine that they didn’t mean to have us stamp it for them, they just forgot to put their own stamp on it. They don’t want to pay for it now.

    Fuck. You. Up the ass. With NO lube whatsoever. Fucking whining bastards.

    Sorry. I just get a little worked up, that’s all.

    I also love how people just write me random amounts on their cheques. It’s like they don’t even look at their invoice, they just pull a number out of their ass and write it down. Fools! I will chase you!

  2. lonelygurl21 said:

    lol sometimes i get the whole “oh but i only got the bill in the mail today” and im like “you live in the same town it cant have taken the post office two weeks to post it to you” “well it… did” “im sorry… but no”

    people are so retarded.

    i dont mean that in offence to any …
    oh pfft… we’re so pc these days.

    I offend everyone and make no apologies! Of course, for the flip side when someone offends me, I acknowledge their right to do so. But I still want their damned money on time!!

  3. sexualtrex said:

    My girlfriend worked for a retail store that did their own credit cards, and people would whine over .50 late fee. 50 cents, who complains about that?

    I honest to God had a client fight with me over 15 cents. I had to make a credit note, create a new invoice and hand it back to him for 15 bloody cents. I felt like just throwing a quarter at him, having him pay the invoice in full and congratulating him on the hefty profit he just made.
    WTF???

  4. Ew, coldsores are nasty though. I was once held hostage in my house for 3 days by a big one. He camped out on my front doorstep with a semi-automatic, and an endless supply of cigars. I finally had to call in the task force to get rid of the sucker.

    LOL. I love it!

  5. Hahaha…through the education of your blog, I’ve learned of SO many different ways why I would never mess with you, but I have to say, this one’s a real no-brainer….hahaha…cold-sore…I was certainly speechless when I read that! He shoulda said something relevant and “gasp-worthy”, maybe a hot-button topic like bird-flu, but he just got lazy with that excuse…

    PS: I love how it’s “little johnny” that rents out the office 😉

    Yes, just think of my blog as a public service really. Like, try and make it an exciting reason at least, geez. If you’re gonna bullshit me, at least make it funny.

  6. COLD SORE. LOL. I get those and I still manage to pay my bills and come to work.

    I so sympathize. I work in A/R too. We had one lady that told us she hadn’t paid her bill because her neighbors had been confiscating her mail for the past 3 months and she had just found out. Yeah, like she still would’ve had electricity or phone service.

    I know! People claim they didn’t get the invoice I mailed. Well….let’s put our thinking cap on. It’s the same amount EVERY SINGLE MONTH. Take a leap of faith and just send the check in, you ass monkey!

  7. Wow, I didn’t realize that a cold sore was a good excuse for not paying a bill on time. All this time I thought it could only be used if you didn’t want to make out with someone.

    Clearly shows that I know nothing in this world. . .

    You and me both! Imagine what a bad zit could get you!

  8. see, i pay stuff late, but i’m honest.

    “yeah, i know it was due yesterday. but i didn’t have any beer in my fridge so…. i’ll take the late fee. ”

    You gotta have your priorities straight, right?! I pay late too, and I know when I do that, I’ll have to pay interest. So I just do it. I don’t complain, I did it myself. Ugh!

  9. 😯
    I get it now! thanks

  10. Yeah I don’t get how people don’t give a shit about their money. I’m so crazy wtih it. I pay my bills the day they come in, and I almost know my exact bank balance within 20 dollars at any given time. It makes me think about starting my own business to take advantage of idiot people that dont care about their money.

    btw: gilmore girls suck! 🙂

  11. I looked at my stats, and I have like 6 visits from this entry, to my site. And I wondered why, and then I read this post. It makes me laugh because I was alwaysss late on payments. Not anymore, thank you very much, but I was before. And I would make the husband call and he would do the whining and bitching to get late fees knocked off our statements, which he did rather well because we never paid for lateness.
    But a cold sore? hahehehha! Yeah my payment was late because I had diarhea. I shit in my pants and was unable to pay. I sorry.

  12. Your company has the BEST gal on this job, yes!? I’m with romi – I don’t want to cross you.

  13. I know CuriousC, I wouldn’t dare mess with “tough as nails” Talea 😉

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