I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

I take off for home sweet home Saskatchewan in just over 8 hours for Christmas.

I haven’t seen my parents since October 2006 and I haven’t seen my brother since December 2005, along with most of my extended family.

I have to wake up at 4 AM tomorrow to catch my taxi to the airport, since the subways don’t run early enough to get me to the airport on time for my inhumanely early flight.

I like Christmas. I love Saskatchewan. But I’m currently shitting my pants.

I am scared out of my mind to fly. I HATE flying. And it only gets worse every time I do it, which is kind of irrational. I think my plan of attack is going to be to stay up until 2 or so, so I’ll only get two hours of sleep. Then I’ll go to the airport, deprive myself of caffeine and maybe find some greasy spoon to fill myself up with pancakes at. The carbs should help me at least be a bit sleepy. I’m hoping they’ll overpower the adrenaline that will inevitably be preventing me from actually falling asleep. I can’t even fall asleep on planes after some heavy heavy drugs meant to bring down horses. Seriously.

After the flight, there’ll be the oh so awkward reuniting with my parents. First there will be ‘smiles’, then ‘hugs’. Then my mom will run off to the Tim Horton’s to get me a coffee, but really to get out of the thick tension. My dad will just repeatedly ask me how I’m doing. He might tell me I’m fat, he might tell me I need to cut my hair or wear more makeup. Frankly, I expect him to tell me all three. Then he’ll ask me if I’m up to date with my VISA payments and ask how far paid off my lines of credit are. Ah, unconditional love, no?

Ugh.

After waiting for my bags, we will drive home in Saskatoon traffic. Now, Saskatoon does not HAVE traffic, per se. I mean, not like Toronto or LA or New York or anything. They have their own kind of traffic. Small town traffic. Where there’s no such thing as a fast lane, where everyone is too courteous and constantly trying to let someone else in. Nobody runs yellow lights, so you sit through a million light changes. Nobody speeds. Nobody will honk anyone…..unless it’s Joe that you haven’t seen for a while. Then you’ll honk and wave, maybe pull over and block some more traffic, but folks’ll understand…you must know that there fella! All in all, it will irritate me. People in Toronto are assholes when they drive, but they’re assholes in a very predictable manner, which I much prefer.

THEN I get to go home and inform my parents they’re getting squat from their eldest child. I just couldn’t do it this year. I really didn’t feel like wasting my money on something my mom would hate (remind me to tell you the clock story, oh my) or on something my dad will pretend to like, but will toss aside carelessly and that I will find in the basement in a few years, covered in a thick layer of dust. Screw it, so they get nothing.

After this revelation, I figure I’ll keep up with the news they don’t want to know, so I might choose this time to reveal the tattoo. Much hilarity shall ensue. And by hilarity, I mean yelling.

This will be followed up with days of me sitting on the couch, being bored out of my skull. I will occasionally be forced to go to Wal Mart or to Superstore or to wherever with my mom, since she has a strange thing with insisting someone come with her at all times. It’ll suck.

Don’t even get me started on Christmas Day. Before 9 AM, I’ll guarantee that it will be ruined already. Gu-ar-an-tee. I dont know how. But I do know it. I’ll write another post later about why you can’t ever buy my mom a good gift. You will always fail. Always. She’ll throw a tantrum, which is always attractive on a middle aged woman, then we will get in the van (how cute) for a 2.5 hour drive across the wide open plains for the only part I’m REALLY going home for.

We’ll arrive at my Aunt’s house and for a few short hours, I will thoroughly enjoy myself. I will not care that my mom is sulking in the corner, I will ignore her and do what every good person does on Christmas…..get totally smashed with family members.

Then I get to get back on a plane again! Oh boy!

Seriously, I miss Toronto already. I specifically asked you guys for advice on whether or not I should do this. Nobody said straight out ‘no’. I’m a little irked about that, kids! Why didn’t you stop me?! Hehe. I’ll miss my subway, the crazies, the streetcars, the loudness, the crowded sidewalks, the cool people….and my friends and the boyfriend.

Ladies, you know who you are…..Awesome Friend, Crafty Friend and Lovely Friend, I’ll miss you and even though I made this decision, know that I’m still torn up about it. You’ve made this the greatest year ever and I hope you have amazing Christmases. Have some shortbread and turkey for me! And have the wine stockpiled for when I get back….I’ll have some serious venting to do.

I’m now off to finish packing, run around like mad, have a panic attack or two and find out if I can take knitting needles on the plane or not…..

Think happy ‘keep the plane in the air’ thoughts for me, and the next time you’ll hear from me, it’ll be from the wide open prairie! Bye!

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Comments on: "I already miss Toronto….this doesn’t bode well." (8)

  1. You might be right. You could end up having some arguements, and all around shity Xmas with your family like you predict. But who knows, maybe the suns align and everything works out. At least go home with an open mind. Don’t expect the worst, expect the best, and maybe it’ll come true.

    I’d like to take your advice, I would. But fool me once, shame on you, fool me 65468135384 times and I’m a fucking idiot.

  2. You’ll be fine. You’ll be safe. You’ll arrive safe and possibly hungover from carb-overload? I hope you have a great time nonetheless even though you’re with your *eek* mother. Be safe, Talea .. we’ll see ya on the prairie!

    Thank you Miss Red! When we hit turbulence at one point I was like, ‘Red said I’ll be safe! I’ll be safe, I’ll be safe, OMG the ground looks like it’s getting closer, I”m gonna die….no, no….I’ll be safe, I’ll be safe’ then the guy beside me told me to be quiet. Haha. Kidding. But your good wishes did pop into my head! Thank you!

  3. soverydomestic said:

    Dude, I miss you already. We’ll make up for it with a really low fi News Years. Just all our close peeps and a whole lot of wine. 😀 Will post again soon!. Lub you!

    I’m all about low-fi New Years. I don’t do all party it up with the choches New Years. Just another day to me.

  4. greenmetropolis said:

    I love you Talea! I miss you already! Work blows without you running off to get me a bagel! I’ll let you know if I have Christmas baby rabbits! Or a Christmas baby-murder-a-thon at my family’s house. I’m sure by now you are safe in the ‘toon. Next year, stay home! I will too, and we’ll all have orphan Christmas since none of us like our families very much…

    I shall! And try not to murder any babies Em. That gets messy. Instead, take a big soft pillow, draw a babies face on it and beat it up. Maybe put a doll inside that makes crying noises when you smack it around. You get the satisfaction without the jail time!

  5. leakyfaucet said:

    I stumbled upon your blog, and I like it! Good luck going home for Christmas- welcome to the club of “I hate being home but feel bad if I don’t go.”
    I lived in Saskatoon for a few months and it’s a really nice city, have fun!

    Thank you!! I feel a kindred connection to you! You go home not cuz you want to, but cuz you feel guilty! And you lived in S’toon! Not to be creepy, but your name looks familiar (I can see your email addy when I click on your comment)…though it could have been someone else quite easily…..who knows, maybe we’ve run back into each other in the blogosphere.
    Ah, the blogosphere…….what ISN’T it good for??

  6. good luck.. It sounds a bit like this Xmas is going to suck a bit for you!

    Indeed. But at least I’m going in with realistic expectations this time!

  7. well now that you’re there, I hope the flight wasn’t so bad..anyhoo I”m gonna move right along to your next post to see how it’s going 😉

    Thanks for the profound and insightful comment Romi! Hehe. Yeah, the flight was pretty decent. I even got to stop over in Winnipeg, every girls dream!!

  8. LOL on the “profound and insightful” nature of my comment; I’d like to nominate that for “comment of the year” on Talea’s blog 😉

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