I take off for home sweet home Saskatchewan in just over 8 hours for Christmas.
I haven’t seen my parents since October 2006 and I haven’t seen my brother since December 2005, along with most of my extended family.
I have to wake up at 4 AM tomorrow to catch my taxi to the airport, since the subways don’t run early enough to get me to the airport on time for my inhumanely early flight.
I like Christmas. I love Saskatchewan. But I’m currently shitting my pants.
I am scared out of my mind to fly. I HATE flying. And it only gets worse every time I do it, which is kind of irrational. I think my plan of attack is going to be to stay up until 2 or so, so I’ll only get two hours of sleep. Then I’ll go to the airport, deprive myself of caffeine and maybe find some greasy spoon to fill myself up with pancakes at. The carbs should help me at least be a bit sleepy. I’m hoping they’ll overpower the adrenaline that will inevitably be preventing me from actually falling asleep. I can’t even fall asleep on planes after some heavy heavy drugs meant to bring down horses. Seriously.
After the flight, there’ll be the oh so awkward reuniting with my parents. First there will be ‘smiles’, then ‘hugs’. Then my mom will run off to the Tim Horton’s to get me a coffee, but really to get out of the thick tension. My dad will just repeatedly ask me how I’m doing. He might tell me I’m fat, he might tell me I need to cut my hair or wear more makeup. Frankly, I expect him to tell me all three. Then he’ll ask me if I’m up to date with my VISA payments and ask how far paid off my lines of credit are. Ah, unconditional love, no?
After waiting for my bags, we will drive home in Saskatoon traffic. Now, Saskatoon does not HAVE traffic, per se. I mean, not like Toronto or LA or New York or anything. They have their own kind of traffic. Small town traffic. Where there’s no such thing as a fast lane, where everyone is too courteous and constantly trying to let someone else in. Nobody runs yellow lights, so you sit through a million light changes. Nobody speeds. Nobody will honk anyone…..unless it’s Joe that you haven’t seen for a while. Then you’ll honk and wave, maybe pull over and block some more traffic, but folks’ll understand…you must know that there fella! All in all, it will irritate me. People in Toronto are assholes when they drive, but they’re assholes in a very predictable manner, which I much prefer.
THEN I get to go home and inform my parents they’re getting squat from their eldest child. I just couldn’t do it this year. I really didn’t feel like wasting my money on something my mom would hate (remind me to tell you the clock story, oh my) or on something my dad will pretend to like, but will toss aside carelessly and that I will find in the basement in a few years, covered in a thick layer of dust. Screw it, so they get nothing.
After this revelation, I figure I’ll keep up with the news they don’t want to know, so I might choose this time to reveal the tattoo. Much hilarity shall ensue. And by hilarity, I mean yelling.
This will be followed up with days of me sitting on the couch, being bored out of my skull. I will occasionally be forced to go to Wal Mart or to Superstore or to wherever with my mom, since she has a strange thing with insisting someone come with her at all times. It’ll suck.
Don’t even get me started on Christmas Day. Before 9 AM, I’ll guarantee that it will be ruined already. Gu-ar-an-tee. I dont know how. But I do know it. I’ll write another post later about why you can’t ever buy my mom a good gift. You will always fail. Always. She’ll throw a tantrum, which is always attractive on a middle aged woman, then we will get in the van (how cute) for a 2.5 hour drive across the wide open plains for the only part I’m REALLY going home for.
We’ll arrive at my Aunt’s house and for a few short hours, I will thoroughly enjoy myself. I will not care that my mom is sulking in the corner, I will ignore her and do what every good person does on Christmas…..get totally smashed with family members.
Then I get to get back on a plane again! Oh boy!
Seriously, I miss Toronto already. I specifically asked you guys for advice on whether or not I should do this. Nobody said straight out ‘no’. I’m a little irked about that, kids! Why didn’t you stop me?! Hehe. I’ll miss my subway, the crazies, the streetcars, the loudness, the crowded sidewalks, the cool people….and my friends and the boyfriend.
Ladies, you know who you are…..Awesome Friend, Crafty Friend and Lovely Friend, I’ll miss you and even though I made this decision, know that I’m still torn up about it. You’ve made this the greatest year ever and I hope you have amazing Christmases. Have some shortbread and turkey for me! And have the wine stockpiled for when I get back….I’ll have some serious venting to do.
I’m now off to finish packing, run around like mad, have a panic attack or two and find out if I can take knitting needles on the plane or not…..
Think happy ‘keep the plane in the air’ thoughts for me, and the next time you’ll hear from me, it’ll be from the wide open prairie! Bye!