After much hmmming and hawwwing, I decided to go home for Christmas this year, after skipping it last year due to ‘family disagreements’. Yeah. We’ll go with that.
I’m going to do this post in point-form, cuz honestly my Christmas was sort of anti-climactic (at least as far as my blog is concerned, some things happened which won’t make it onto the interweb). So I’m going to pick the highlights and line ’em up for you guys.
– I got on the plane (after waking up at 4 A.M., yay!) and realized quickly thereafter that I was sitting next to a drunk. A smelly, stinky drunk. Now, if you want to be a drunk, that’s cool so long as it doesn’t affect me. But in this case, it did affect me. His stench was UNbearable. He was oozing beer aroma out of all of his pores. And his pores were closer to me than I would have liked, since he seemed to believe that his side extended well into the middle range of my seat. I wanted to elbow him or accidentally stab him in the jugular with my knitting needles, but drunks are a tricky bunch and hard to read in terms of their reactions. I didn’t need him going all hobo-crazy on me at 30,000 feet. So I just suffered my way through it.
– By the way, did you know you can take metal knitting needles onto a plane? This strikes me as counterintuitive. I can’t take a water bottle on, but knitting needles are all good. Huh. Who knew?
– I got home and after the initial awkward hug game, les parents et moi had NOTHING to say to each other. Stared at each other like strangers. It was tons of fun. This is perhaps why I talk to them maybe every 3 months. Cuz it’d just be a waste of time for all involved.
-I confirmed that Saskatoon traffic, though far less heavy, is actually worse to drive in. It’s hard to explain, so I won’t even try cuz all the people who live in big cities will freak out at me and tell me I’m wrong (which, never happens right?),so I’ll just move on.
– I confirmed this while heading with my father to a meat shop. Nothing out of the ordinary, he needed to pick a few things up. I had nothing to do, so I tagged along. I had no idea it was to turn out so great. I walked in and was toodling around when I looked up. And I thought to myself immediately “Oh my God, you know you’re in Saskatchewan WHEN……..”
Okay, so they had animal heads ALL OVER this damned place. I loved it! HA! I was dying. So I made a spectacle of myself entirely by whipping out my camera cell phone (a WHAT? what be that there contraption? how come it’s not attached to no wall or nothing? where you from girl? the CITY?!) and running around snapping pics. And when I got these two, the kid behind the deli counter goes to me, “There’s a big antler rack in the back!” So I shoved my phone at him and asked him to snap a pic for me. He goes, “Naw! Come into the back!”
So, I did. And I took this picture:
As I was being escorted into the back room, I yelled back to my dad, “Look! I’m getting VIP treatment over here!” People don’t just yell out random things in Sask like they do in Toronto, so of course everyone looked scared. And while I was snapping the photo, 15-year-old deli boy goes to me, “Yeah, these here are nice, but my grandma just shot a 1,200 pound moose last weekend!”
I LOVED IT. His GRANDMA is out hunting moose in fucking December! And the old bitty got one! I almost died. I thanked the kid and went on my merry way.
– I got the mother of all colds on Christmas Eve. I do believe it was the universe trying to tell me that I shouldn’t have gone back. I’m still suffering from it. This cold totally killed me on the flight back, but it kept me away from those awful prolonged hugs with relatives you don’t want to hug…..or touch. When they came near me with wide open arms, I could just yell ‘I’m sick!’ and brandish a snotty kleenex in their direction. Crisis averted.
– I drank a lot of wine. Lots. I also knitted a lot. Nobody wants to talk to an armed wino.
– My brother saw that I’d gotten him something (after my father insisted that I do so) at 11:30 on Christmas Eve. He was totally dumbfounded and admitted he’d gotten me nothing. So he runs out to try and get something, which was totally pointless cuz nothing is open that late on Christmas Eve in S’toon. He returned later, telling me I was up shit creek. I honestly didn’t care. I only cared cuz I wasn’t allowed to not get HIM something, but it was alright for him to not get ME anything. Whatever. It turned out that he was in the majority, as my parents got me nothing too. Ahhhhh, family love. Unconditional, right?
– I got mocked incessently (sp?) for being from Toronto. I can’t even tell you how many times people asked me, ‘So, what are you doing out THERE?’ and when I responded with “Living, working, you know,” they scoffed and said, ” I don’t know WHY you’d want to be out there!” Which would only be encouraged by my dad as he’d pipe in with ‘Yep, centre of the universe, Toronto’. At which point I would say, “Oh! I also get made fun of constantly….along with living and working and such.” Seriously, my one cousin just moved to buttfuck nowhere, population 700, and nobody said anything that bad about it. I didn’t dare crack a joke about what her commute must be, for fear I’d be thrown into the fireplace.
– I also discovered a cure for the fear of flying. Get a head cold two days beforehand. Here’s how it works: your ears will hurt so damned much that you won’t be able to think about how scared you are. You’ll just be wondering if it really is physically possible for the pressure in one’s head to get so intense that they it just busts open. I didn’t even have time to be terrified. It was lovely.
– I got the mother of all bad gifts. I have a pic of it:
It’s a doiley. A doiley. One. One doiley. What do you do with a doiley? I thought the days of doileys were dead and gone. But no! A DOILEY???? What part of me exactly says ‘give me a doiley!’ Tell me please, cuz that part of me has to go. Ugh. Shudder.
– I also had a second “You know you’re in Saskatchewan WHEN” moment:
Now, you can’t really see it, but my phone says NO SERVICE!!!! Ah! I must have fallen off the end of the earth!! This doesn’t happen in Toronto, unless you’re on the subway. I was miffed. I didn’t know what to do! All day during Christmas, I couldn’t call my girls or the boyfriend to wish them a Merry ol’ Day. I was so sad. Everyone made fun of me (obviously), but I cared not. I took a pic to document the horridness of it all.
Anyhow, sorry for the anti-hilarious post. I was hoping to go a couple rounds with my mom for the sake of this post, but I generally kept my mouth shut and therefore avoided most arguments. I had two. Neither of which need to be posted here.
I couldn’t even get a rise out of them with the tattoo they didn’t know about. I told them both to stay in the kitchen while I went to go get something to show them. I was planning on throwing on a low-backed tank top (packed solely for this moment), but as I was going upstairs my dad goes, “Is it a tattoo?” WHAT? How did he know?? My dad just does this type of thing all the time. So I showed them anyhow:
My dad’s only response once seeing it was: “Is that permanent?” Dudes, totally not the war I was excited for. My mom said nothing. I decided to take her silence as anger, I’m really good at pissing her off. Whatever, it holds an immense amount of meaning for me and I couldn’t love it any more.
Next year though, a new tradition shall begin. I will be 25 and I think that’s a good age to start a tradition. I’ll stay here. I’ll buy my own tacky Christmas decorations. I’ll get drunk with friends and not family. I’ll go to midnight mass with my atheist boyfriend.
Most importantly? My phone will work and my day shall be doiley-free. Hope you all had a good Christmas.