I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

Things I don’t get….

– I cannot for the life of me understand staple refills. So, you run out of staples. You reach into the box of staple refills, slide one stick out and go to put it in the stapler. But it’s TOO LONG. By like, 15 staples. What the hell?!?! So then you have to break off a little bit and put it back in the box, but it’ll never just go back in cuz it’s so jam packed in there.
Seriously, has nobody from the staple refill factory ever done a little product testing? Quality control? Like, why can’t Joe actually see if his standard staple stick thingy FITS in the standard staple?? This drives me nuts to no end. I use a lot of staples at work. Grrrr.

– I don’t understand why ‘No thanks, I’m not interested, I’ve been with my boyfriend for EIGHT years’ is not a sufficient reason for guys to back off. Okay, so you’ve been trying to pick me up and then even though I’ve shown no interest whatsoever, you take the leap and ask for my number. Kudos to you for having the balls, I certainly wouldn’t. But when I tell you no thanks, for the reason above (you know, the committed 8 year relationship…?), don’t say, ‘Oh, but you aren’t married! Come on! Just your number? Cant’ you come out for a drink?’
No. No, I can’t. That’s called ‘cheating’, boys. I don’t get why they don’t get this. And yes, this has happened more than once. Men are awful.

– Why isn’t there more cheese on everything? Shit, I love cheese. Stop skimping on the cheese!!

– I don’t get why people seem to be unable to detect phones in their visual fields. For example, when I’m sitting at my desk with a phone pressed to my ear, people don’t seem to see it. They just launch into whatever schpiel they’ve come to deliver. Dudes! I’m not listening to you! I’m on the phone! Chances are, I was waiting on hold for 35 minutes and be damned if I’m about to ask the person on the other end to hold while I listen to you tell me about the photocopier being jammed. Again. For like, the 476th time today.
Didn’t your mom ever yell at you when you went up to her and begged for more Oreo’s and she was on the phone and you got that hissed ‘I’m on the PHONE’ while she covered up the receiver with her hand and gave you the look of death? Shit, transfer that life lesson to work! Please! I don’t get it….

– It’s called an answering machine. Also known as voicemail. People have these set up on their phone lines so that when they are not chained to their desk, you have the opportunity to relay your pertinent information to them even though they aren’t there! Due to the marvels of fucking technology, you can talk into the phone and when they come back, your voice will shoot out of their phone, just like you were there!!! They’ll know what you want. Amazing.
I, however, will NOT know what you want when you press 0 and come back to reception. The reason I transferred you to them is so that you can get the answer you want. No, I cannot locate them immediately. I don’t know, maybe they ate bad Mexican food last night and they’re currently ‘unavailable’. Leave a message! Geez! I don’t get it.

– Why can’t they create a lipgloss that doesn’t feel like slime? Seriously, I just want to look hot, I do not want to immediately start scratching at my mouth screaming ‘The Goo! Get the goo off my face! Ahhhhh!’
I just want to look like a wet-lipped hottie, and instead I wind up looking like some crazy old bat who smacks at herself. Is it really that hard to do? Again….don’t get it.

– I do not get retail psychology. I’ve worked retail and the general dogma is “Jump on the customer as soon as they walk in the door. Barrage them with questions about what they’re looking for. Smile and speak in a squeaky voice. Sell sell sell!”
This doesn’t work! Clearly the old guys who write these ‘training booklets’ for all those dedicated retail people out there (high school kids and retired old people) have never actually left their big corner office and gone shopping. If they had, they’d realize their approach makes the customer want to drop kick the associate in the throat. By the way, I hated retail.

 I dont get why I just created such a random, useless post. Meh. My whole blog is kind of random. I like it that way. 🙂

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Comments on: "Things I don’t get…." (8)

  1. I love this list because I agree with everything on it. ‘No thanks I’m not interested’ doesn’t work that much better even with a wedding ring! People are insane. ‘I’m flattered, but married, so please step off’ seems to become a challenge, which is just stupid, why don’t you go be lame with someone that you actually have a chance with?! Arg.

    Cheese should be put on pretty much everything, and I’m lactose intolerant. I’ll deal with stomach cramps for cheese, thankyouverymuch!

    I did find some really great lipgloss at the Body Shop years ago and of course, they don’t make it anymore. Nikki and I found instructions for making some pretty snazzy lipgloss, we should test it out and see if it’s sticky.

    I’ve never worked retail, but I am certain it is a slow and painful death. One of our old roommates worked at a series of shoe stores and she was so bent out of shape at the end of every day!

    Random, useless posts are awesome!

    Yeah, the lipgloss thing bugs me a lot when I’m waiting for the train. It’ll come zooming into the subway station, whipping my long luxurious hair around all sexy-like, but then it gets stuck to my lips….which is not really what I’m going for.
    I hated retail. I rebelled. I quit. Hahaha. And I HATE the staple refills!!!!!

  2. The next thing that will happen in retail is that the clerk will immediately steal your wallet until you buy something. I think that’s our future.

    Probably. They’ll steal it and threaten to max out your cards if you don’t buy the latest fashions NOW.

  3. Dude! The voicemail thing! OH. MY. GOD. “Um, I asked for so and so, but you put me through to their voicemail.” ARGH!!!! No, I didn’t!!! I put you through to their office! Voicemail is what happens when they are not there! Oh, but you’re calling from overseas! WELL, in THAT case, let me leave my desk RIGHT NOW, ignore EVERYBODY ELSE’S CALLS and GO GET THAT PERSON off the crapper so YOU can talk to them NOW.

    No. No, no, no, no, no. You can’t have your way, I’m sorry. I am the connection between you and your desired party, that means I am in control! And I say NO! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If you want instant gratification, go open a can of Pepsi or something. Ugh.

    I know. I constantly want to launch into the definition of voicemail, then give a helpful example of a typical situation where one might use voicemail. Then compare the typical situation with their situation and hang up on them.

  4. mistyjade said:

    Too Funny!
    I Love Random Posts!
    Now I just need to learn how to tell the guys at a bar that NO they cannot have my number! I have a very hard time telling people to go away I feel like I’m being mean.
    Thanks for the Laugh!

    Don’t feel mean. Think of it as future fodder for your blog! You can write about how you shut down some bar guy. I give you permission to be mean. I’m mean a lot and it makes me psychologically healthier letting it out and all that. Hehehe.

  5. can I just diddo Emerald.

    I love when someone call’s the Dr’s office and wants me to get the Dr. on the phone ASAP…

    Me: “um sir…the dr is in the middle of a prostate exam right now, can I take a message or transfer you (again) to his voice mail?”
    Patient: “well the last time I was in for a prostate exam…he was only using one finger!”
    Me: “OK that was to much information, but you still can’t talk to the Dr.”

    I dont even WANT to know the kind of shit you must hear working in a doctor’s office. You’d probably win the award.

  6. Mmmm .. cheeeese.
    Oh, and I’m lovin’ that new colored thingy at the top of the blog .. I dont know what it’s called, but it’s purdy.

    Thank you! Mmmmm…..cheeeeese.

  7. LMAO at cowgal’s comment!… 🙂

    And dude, did you just call one of my most favourite posts that you’ve ever written a “useless one?”

    No, no, NO my dear, this was indeed very useful for

    A: relatibility
    B: hilarity

    I mean for REAL, I have like 10 of those damn “mini clusters” of staples in my drawer at work, and they will never be used…AHHHH!

    And gosh, I HATE the gooey feeling of lip gloss, yet I must wear it…the worst for me is when it slithers down to the corners of my mouth, and just collects there….AHHHHH!

    Great post you logical “wtf?” bitch, I love it 🙂

    I luv it when you call me a bitch! Hehehe. I’m glad it had hilarity value. I was kind of going for that. In that ’90s comedian ‘it’s funny cuz it’s a real life observation’ kind of style.
    I HATE THE STAPLES MINI CLUSTERS!!!!!

  8. I love this “useless” post.

    I bitch about the staples every time I replace them, and the phone thing, preachin’ to the choir. That frustrates the hell out of me.

    I know! I learnt that lesson early from my mom. Do NOT interrupt people who are on the phone. You will get the evil eye. Then when they get off the phone, you’re in for it!

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