Last night, when I announced I was going to bed, I was shocked to hear the boyfriend reply with, “Yeah, I’m gonna be there in a minute.” The boyfriend is a night owl, he never goes to sleep before 2AM. I’m a sleep whore, trying to spend as much of life in a REM state as possible, so we almost never go to bed at the same time.
This works out really well, since I have a totally weird aversion to being the last one awake in a household. When I was still living at home, if my mom decided to go to bed and I was still awake, I would race around getting myself ready for bed so that I could be in bed before her. I can’t be the last one awake. The Boogey Man will eat me or something. I don’t know, but I just can’t handle it. I must always fall asleep while someone else is still awake.
So, my neuroses aside, the boyfriend actually was telling the truth and came to bed shortly after I did. This always makes me nervous, cuz it’s now a race to see who can fall asleep first. And frankly, I can’t fall asleep under pressure, so he did. Plus, he isn’t aware he’s in a race so he’s pretty relaxed while I’m very worked up.
The boyfriend grew up in a very Lysol-ed down house and consequently has more allergies than most people. He takes allergy meds year-round. Except for last night.
As I was struggling to fall asleep, the boyfriend was contentedly enjoying dreamland. I was annoyed but it wasn’t his fault that he’d fallen asleep, I suppose. Then he started….making noises. I would call it snoring, but it wasn’t, really.
No, it sounded more like…..a Canadian goose being stepped on. Like, some awful drawn-out honking noise. It didn’t have the normal vibrations of a snore, it was flat in that department, but it was terrible. And it was completely irregular, which only makes it worse.
I kicked him in the back, I put my hand under his pillow and tried to shake his head, I pulled the sheets, I moved around a lot, all in an attempt to wake him up or at least make him switch positions, cuz usually if I can accomplish that, he’ll cease the awful noises coming out of his face.
This time I was unsuccessful, as I was working against his unmedicated allergies and I was clearly no match.
I dragged my ass out of bed, grabbed my pillow, took the blanket off the shelf and made myself at home on the couch. Luckily, we have the most comfortable couch in the whole world, so I didn’t really care.
I drifted into a lovely sleep, only to be woken up at 3:20 AM. It went something like this:
-Boyfriend stumbles out of bedroom, shuffling feet and waking me up. I crack open my eyes to see him in a clearly half-asleep state. He looks like hell. He whispers, “Hey!”
– I ignore him, hoping he’ll go the hell away.
– He whispers again. “Hey!”
– I reluctantly roll over and grunt an angry response to him.
– Him: “Are you awake?”
– Me: *Angry grunt, muffled by pillow* “What?”
– Him: “Why are you sleeping on the couch? I woke up and saw you weren’t there.”
– Me: “You sounded like someone was stepping on a Canadian goose. You were honking.”
– Him: “Was I?”
– Me: *Angry grunt*
– Him: “Are you sure? I don’t remember hearing it.”
– Me: “Honking goose!”
– Him: “Do you want to trade places? I can sleep on the couch and you can have the bed.”
– Me: “No! I want you to go to bed! Why are you up at 3:20?? Where did you think I had gone? Go back to sleep. Shit!”
– Him: *Shuffles back to bed, dog following him*
Usually, the boyfriend is a smart guy. He’s all sciencey and shit. But sometimes he is seriously dumb. Usually when he’s half asleep. This is a prime example of it. It also explains why I have no energy whatsoever today.
Guys, if you ever wake up and your lady friend is missing, it’s safe to assume she’s in the potty or has relocated on her own free will. It’s fairly safe to assume that she hasn’t been kidnapped. Don’t go stumbling around the house to try and find her. If she’s sleeping when you find her and you wake her up to ask retarded questions, she’ll want to kick you in the balls. Trust me.
I dont’ get it, he’s never done that, but it must have been very important in his foggy, 3:20AM brain to find out where I was. I mean, I’m kind of a big deal, so it’s a good idea to keep tabs on me. Obviously.