I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

I’m sitting at work and hear my phone go off with a text message.

I pick it up, flip open the phone and see it’s from the boyfriend. He normally texts me a few times a day, saying boring, random things that I sometimes just ignore cuz it isn’t worth the future arthritis I shall have in my thumb joints.

Today was a different story though.

I chose to ‘Read’ the text message and this is what it said:

“I wanted to warm the peanut butter so I nuked it for 20 seconds. Set it on fire. All is well now.”

When I returned home, he showed me the charred remains of the peanut butter jar and shared with me his dilemma of deciding whether or not he could still eat the peanut butter.

Turns out, he went down the non-peanut butter road.

How does one set peanut butter on fire in the microwave? Who knows. Probably the same way my dad set a potato on fire in there once.

Men + microwaves = get the hell out of the kitchen.


Comments on: "1 New Message from the Boyfriend" (14)

  1. In just 20 seconds? Fuck, I’ve microwaved PB before. Must be a man thing. I wonder if he microwaved it for 20 minutes?

    Who knows what he did. He’s a guy.

  2. mistyjade said:

    OK I’ve seen this happen before! Now I’m not normally allowed near kitchens… I can burn water.. but my friend totally melted the PB jar because she left a strip of the aluminum seal on the edge! My Question is “Why do people microwave Peanut Butter?”

    Well, he insists on keeping it in the fridge. So when you bring it out, it’s all hard and unspreadable. Hence the microwaving bit.

  3. Yeah, I wondered if there were remnants of the metal seal left on the jar… that will set it off burning… Ditto your Dad – did he wrap the potato in foil???

    Blue soup, I have investigated and it is my opinion that there may have been a small teeny piece of the metal seal left on, explaining the explosion. My dad however was unaided, he set that sucker on fire all on its own.

  4. I once microwaved a snickers bar. it exploded. it was a good day. 🙂

    Why would you microwave a snickers?? I hate melted chocolate bars, like when they get left in a car or in the sun somewhere. Yech.

  5. Who the fuck warms peanut butter? That sounds awful. Are you sure this kid is alright?

    He’s generally acceptable. No major disfunctions…

  6. I once set a sock full of salt on fire in my microwave. Completely melted the entire insides of it, and had to throw the whole oven away.

    Why a sock full of salt? It’s a long story. But don’t do it!

    Why a sock full of salt, indeed. And why a heated sock full of salt?

  7. Not really much to say…I was there when the text came in, so I got to appreciate it first hand. All I will say is “I’m not surprised”? But I know you love the comments, so here it is. 🙂

  8. Oh my god – that’s a hilarious text message. You should start your first novel with that line.

    I re-read it and you’re right! It does kind of have that weird, opening novel line feel to it. Thanks abarclay, you’ll get a cut of the royalties.

  9. queenbitch said:

    um… so… why is no one asking why he nuked it in the first place? i dont get it.

    Cuz he insists on keeping the PB in the fridge, so when you bring it out it’s all cold and unspreadable and it rips the bread and this is simply unacceptable.

  10. I love hot melty peanut butter! I pour it on vanilla ice cream…

    But have you ever lit it on fire when you heated it up in anticipation of pouring it on your vanilla ice cream??

  11. Terry used to keep the peanut butter in the fridge, because it apparently brings out the sugar in it, so it’s sweeter. But Terry lived on ice cream, pot, Nardil and guilt trips, so who knows. He never did the microwave thing though. Too far to walk, just like washing dishes, cleaning the cat box, throwing out his snickers wrappers, or basically anything that required him to get off the futon. Assmuncher.

    Yes, well, Terry was pretty much a waste of…..carbon based life form. Stupid Terry.

  12. I’m with Red, probably closer to 20 minutes. My hubby always says, “I didn’t put it in for that long”, but I know he does.

    The boyfriend ALWAYS heats shit up for SO long! I always tell him that it only goes in for 2 minutes….he puts it in for like, 6. Ugh.

  13. It’s sad that men can’t be trusted even with seemingly dummy-proof micros….my biggest pet peeve is when a man-bitch goes and puts something liquidy in the micro UNCOVERED…you fucking man-bitch, now who’s gonna clean that splatter!?!?!?!?!


    (I don’t know why I feel so bitter right now…LOL…)

    Um….I do that. And nobody cleans it.

  14. Oh, sorry. Warm salt in sock. Someone told me it was good for sore muscles, and my daughter’s knee was bothering her. Flaming salt sock on knee probably wouldn’t have been too good.

    It would have been cheaper to take her to the chiropractor!

    I find that flames often make injuries worse.

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