I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

I don’t dance. You will never ever see me dance. Ever. It simply will not happen unless maybe it’s to save my life or the life of someone I care about. Even then, that person better hope that when they went down to Starbucks earlier, they brought me a treat.

This fact seems to boggle and even offend many people. They are boggled because I was a ‘ballerina’ for some 13 years. Yes folks, I flounced around on my tippy toes on stage in front of bright lights wearing too much makeup and I LOVED IT. I LOVED ballet. It’s the perfect activity for type-A’s like me. You can actually be perfect in ballet. There IS a perfect pirouette, there IS a perfect port a bras, you can do a perfect grand jete, the chance to be completely right is there. That appeals to total freaks like me. Or it did, I’ve actually gotten much less anal retentive over the last few years.

People who don’t even know me will come up to me and say, ‘You were a dancer, weren’t you?’ It happens every few months, not too often, but it happens. They claim I walk like a dancer. Whatever that means. I used to live at the studio, seven days a week, turning down all sorts of other things cuz I had dance. I was good at it too. Mostly because if I’m not good at something, I quit immediately. My group won all kinds of gold hardware. I adored being on stage. Everyone, look at ME! Hahahaha, you can’t do THIS, can you? Clap for me, you uncoordinated monkeys, clap!!

Unfortunately, ballet did some major damage to my body. Pretty much every move you make from your very first plie is completely unnatural positioning for your body. You are misaligning almost everything. It’ll catch up to you folks, especially when you eventually put all of your weight onto your freaking toes. I was forced to quit due to knee problems, two ripped (read, completely destroyed and mangled) quads and the demands of university. Pffffft. Turns out university was totally NOT worth it, but whatever.

So anyhow, I loved to dance…..ballet. This doesn’t translate into loving to dance in general. I went to two school dances in my whole life, one in grade five and one in grade seven. I skipped every single high school dance. Everyone told me I’d regret it, I’d look back and realized that I passed up something I can’t go back to. They were wrong. I don’t regret it. I would have regretted it if I’d gone, and had to stay there, knowing I’d be having way more fun anywhere else.

I just don’t get it. I don’t understand it. I’m glad for people who do like to dance, to each their own and all that. I do not gain even a glimmer of pleasure from standing in front of others, flailing my body around in unchoreographed motions, trying to attract attention to myself whilst being unable to hear my own thoughts due to the music blasting into my ears. I don’t see the fun of being crammed around other flailing, probably inebriated individuals. I don’t want people to be staring at my ‘moves’. I don’t want uninvited ‘gentlemen’ trying to dance with me, cuz they figure they can get away with it on a dance floor. I don’t want to be unable to talk to my friends, and instead be reduced to bouncing around in their general vicinity.

Even at a more ‘refined’ gathering, like a wedding, I don’t dance. In my opinion, absolutely everyone looks like a fucking retard when they dance. Yeah, I said it. They all look like they’re trying so damned hard to fit in and smile and be all, ‘Look! I’m conforming to societal pleasures! I’m moving about in a fashion that indicates my great personality! I have friends! I’m trying to eminate what I’ve seen people on TV and in movies do! I shall smile while I gyrate and tell myself that this is living at it’s best!!!!’

Okay, okay. I KNOW that some people are going to be all ‘dancing is fun! yay!’ or be offended at my thoughts about people who do dance. That’s just what I think when I see people dancing. I think they all look really lame and pathetic and only superficially happy. They all look like they’re only doing it cuz everybody else is doing it, but that’s some sort of sick feedback cycle. I find people to look sad when they dance, if you really look at them. They look degraded to me. Like they’ve had to lower themselves into this pit of others, writhing about in an attempt to attract others or to be able to say, ‘Yeah, I went dancing’ at work on Monday, so their colleagues will be impressed by their social calendar.

People will try to literally DRAG me onto the dance floor. They quickly learn that this is an unintelligent idea. I will threaten their lives, yell loudly and insult their mama in ways unimaginable.

Everyone always says, ‘What? You don’t want to have FUN or something? God Talea, loosen up!’

No. I do like fun. But I have a definition of fun which probably 93% of the population doesn’t understand. I am a loner. An introvert. I like to read and knit and blog and sit and think and sleep and hang out in my house and do crosswords and blah blah blah. Most people think this isn’t fun. They think that this is pathetic and I will regret it one day, when my youth has passed me by and I haven’t one slutted myself up and waited in line at a club, to pay some big scary black guy $10 to pass through the doors and onto a half-lit dance floor filled with too much perfume, too many hair products and not enough clothing on people who really could stand to lose some ‘jiggleage’ around their middle.

Please stop telling me it will be fun. Stop telling me that you can make it fun, that you used to have a friend who hated dancing too, but now she loves it. Good, I’m glad she does, cuz I hope everyone finds something they can do that they love. 

For me, it won’t be dancing. Seriously, if I ever change my mind about marriage and get married one day, there will be no dance. I’ll think of something else everyone can do after they’ve eaten and drank on my dime. Maybe clean the place up, you money sucking leeches! Hahaha. I crack myself up.

P.S…..If I’ve pissed you off and you really love dancing, I’m sorry. I am. I’m glad you like it. But, as I’ve said a million times, it’s my blog. Please don’t bitch me out in the comments section, cuz I’ll either just delete you or I’ll respond with ‘it’s my blog. You are wrong.’

Now, go forth and comment. I love comments. I am now off to walk in a very serious, non-flailing manner with no rhythm whatsoever to the kitchen and find myself some food.

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Comments on: "I don’t dance. Get over it." (36)

  1. The only time I dance is when we’re at the grocery at 2AM getting groceries. THEN, and only then do I dance .. down the aisles.

    And I know, I know .. ! I look retarded doing so.

    Your “.. I like to read and knit and blog and sit and think and sleep and hang out in my house and do crosswords..” is fun to me too.

    Glad you get it! And the 2AM grocery aisle dance is alright, cuz it’s not really dancing. I’m guessing it’s more ‘wiggling’ than anything else.

  2. So get this: I LOVE this post and I LOVE to dance, hahaha…

    Am I skilled dancer?

    No.

    I am usually a drunk-dancer or an “alone in my house like no one’s watching” dancer, and in both cases I look ridiculous 🙂

    I wouldn’t say that I dance because I’m submitting to societal pressures, or because it shows off my personality (’cause seriously, if my dancing was meant to represent my personality, I would have the personality of a hyper-active retard, LOL…)…Dancing just makes me feel free and bird-like; I guess it’s a liberating feeling, because most of the time in life I feel like I’m supposed to either be at work and look professional, or be out in public and appear “normal”, and it’s all very constrictive…so I dance. And the fact that 80% of my dancing happens in my room when no one’s watching, well I suppose I am doing it for myself (just like Madonna said in “Get in the Groove” i.e. “only when I’m dancing can I feel this free-ee; at night, I lock the doors where no one else can see-ee” 😉 ….)

    So yeah, I’ve been ranting for a while now, but the point is I agree with you: i.e. if dancing makes you happy, do it, and if other things make you happy, then do THAT…I mean the more “happiness-enablers” people embrace in their own lives the better, ’cause quite frankly, I don’t wanna be around bitchy jerk-faces who are annoyed by their own lives 24/7…

    So keep doin’ what you’re doin’, ’cause as long as you tell it to us straight in your posts, I’m happy 🙂

    I sometimes dance when I’m alone. I think everyone does. I’m also a bit of a couch dancer, I will dance whilst sitting.
    And good point on people embracing what makes them happy!!

  3. Dude, I’m with you on this one. I’m not a dancer. I do a silly dance with Woogs, but that’s a whole other thing. I don’t do it because I know what I look like when I do!

    Dancing with a 2 year old is totally acceptable. As is dancing with a dog, in my case, Zoey.

  4. leakyfaucet said:

    Hahaha, I’m with you! Dancing sucks, one of the main reasons I got married in a courthouse instead of having a wedding is because I was avoiding dancing.

    That is AWESOME. You just gained an infinite number of points in my eyes!!

  5. moonlight58 said:

    OMG…you are incredibly funny and i think we may be related…at least, our brains are..lol. If you ever have a book published i will be first in line to buy it & have it signed by you. 😛 LOVE your sense of humour. And your insights. 🙂

    NICE! And I love you for loving me!! I’m easy like that. 😛
    Do you have a blog?

  6. I love to dance and I respect your right to laugh at me when I do.

    And we can live in peace. You dance, and I’ll laugh and we’ll both be good.

  7. you rock ! I love that you write just what you want. keep it up girl!

    Awww, thanks cowgal! You’re always so sweet!

  8. It’s the over-the-age-of-thirty-and-not-quite-ready-to-admit-it-yet sorry shuffle at the bar type places that really get me. I mean, I have seen some impressive dancing like those crazy unnatural robot moves that kids seem to enjoy these days….YouTube and such…but other than that, no. And sometimes I wish I could maybe ballroom dance, but that whole clubby I’m-supposed-to-dance-to-a-song-I’ve-never-heard-before is lame, lame, lame. You know what’s not lame? When I get smashed on $10 champagne for kicks and dance around in my underwear to “Girls Girls Girls.” Oh wait….maybe that is lame…

  9. FINALLY!! Someone else that doesn’t dance! I’m right with you, sister. You and I can go and sit at the bar and just roll our eyes while everyone else does it.

  10. I don’t in here, but i do blog in my “page” in myspace.
    Here’s my link, if you’d like to read it, but bear in mind that even if i am Christian, i wasn’t always, and still have quite a bit of the “old me” intact. 😛

    URL:
    myspace.com/kimmi323

    Hope i didn’t scare you away with that information, lol…i STILL adore your blogs! 🙂

  11. […] (Fun Stuff, Meme, Music, The real me, Thursday 13) Talea inspired this weeks Thursday 13 with this great post on how she doesn’t like to dance. After reading her blog for the last few months all I can […]

  12. What Romi said. Ditto. It does feel freeing. But I have to agree with you too because I always make fun of people dancing at weddings and stuff, myself included. But I never did understand the club scene myself. I’d rather be home knitting too.

  13. I don’t dance either. But at school dances, you don’t have much of a choice since everyone is doing so. My school dances are pathetic. Some rap music on a CD player with the grade seven teacher and a cheap disco ball. I just resort to bending my knees and rolling my eyes. Someone actually said to me, “Irina, why don’t you dance? Just be like, everybody watch me dance, look at me, give me a chance!”. I kid you not. At which point I hid in the washroom.

  14. OMG yes yes yes! I love you, Not once in my life have I heard THIS exact destined responce from someone when they are asked if they like to dance. I find either they say:

    “I cant dance so I dont”

    “I just do a little something but don’t really enjoy it”

    “Loosen up!”

    But this exact answer is what I’ve always wanted another person to say, “I dont like to dance, never will, people look like retards”
    ….I fell in love with this post, I don’t feel like the loner is not so alone anymore

  15. Great post. I totally agree. As a ballerina myself I love dance, just not what normal people call “dancing” in everyday “normal” society. That type of “dancing” really is just looking retarded, which is okay. I enjoy it a lot sometimes but it should not be considered dance. Calling it as such seems like some sort of sacrilege.

  16. I don’t even know you, I’m not a lesbian, yet I would marry you, be your best friend, and spend every second making you happy from this one post. Never, ever have I heard someone sound so much like me on one subject…you are simply amazing. I’m starting an account here, just because of this. ❤

  17. Same here. Nice. Dancing is lame

  18. Hitting the clubs a.k.a. “Find-Love-At-First-Bump” super bleah
    But dancing the music I love or taking tango/hip hop lessons yes
    I guess the thing of the clubs and the friends trying to kidnap you is quite an international one

  19. Thank you sooooo much, you’ve made me smile 🙂

  20. Bertha G. said:

    Thank you for explaining why I don’t dance infinitely better than I ever could explain it. I will refer people to this blog next time they try to drag me out 🙂

  21. I dance when i feel like dancing, not when i’m meant to, or just because everyone else is. I dance to music that I acutally like, not to impress girls. Everything to do with clubbing is just wrong. It feels so forced, everyone is so fake. Clubs aren’t meant to be organised events, they are meant to be off the cuff, if at all.

    I hate how it’s cool to act completely retarded, inconsiderate and possibly dangerous when going out to a club or pub. But throwing a small get together at a house, getting inebriated, dancing and being an idiot is seen as loser territory.

    I’ll just never understand these attention seeking extroverts I suppose.

  22. It’s Saturday night and all my friends are out partying while I am sitting in my room, listening to indie music and reading a book. Suddenly, I feel a little sad as I think: “Why am I such a loner? Am I the only person who doesn’t like dancing? There’s gotta be someone…let’s google it.”

    Anytime I am forced into a situation where everyone around me is dancing, be it a frat party or a wedding, I just feel so out of place. I tell myself: “Hey this is fun…right?” Wrong. I feel like a little conformist idiot floundering about to music that sucks or is incomprehensible due to how loud it is. Though honestly, I don’t think I look much worse than 90% of the people in the same room.

    Now granted, there are people are who are actually great dancers. Their movements are fluid and they can move with the beat. And I respect them and their talent. But it’s not my thing.

    I loved your bit about ballet. I have done Bhangra, a traditional Indian dance, for two years. I absolutely love it: the powerful feeling of moving exactly how I practiced, the beauty of seeing our moves all line up perfectly as we dance in sync. That’s the type of dancing I can do. That, and the 2 AM Walmart jig.

    Anyway. I just wanted to say I loved this page – both the topic and your style of writing. I’ll be sure to check out more. And thanks for reassuring me that I’m not the only one who doesn’t like dancing =)

  23. Finally, someone tells it as it is! I mean, I think dancing at a professional level, with well-coordinated movements and after a choreography is ok, as a form of art, or sport. But just jumping around in a club trying to show other people what a fun, free-spirited person you are seems just primitive to me. I feel like all the people who couldn’t be bothered to learn to dance professionally just started this weird social norm of messing around on the dance floor with no rhythm or grace whatsoever so that they wouldn’t feel inferior to those who could. Just like famous people who can’t sing well and start mass-producing songs with no melody and 90% instrumental. I’m by no means a professional dancer, but just because I can’t do it, it doesn’t mean I feel the need to make up for some kind of complex.

  24. Great post, thank you for telling it like it is! And very unusual for a woman too. Every woman I know loves to get pissed up and end up boogieing to stoopid disco hits from years ago at parties and making asses of themselves. And these are grown-up professional people, not kids. And this includes my wife, who is an ex, highly trained contemporary dancer. I…just…don’t…get…it. I totally love to watch proper dance, the glorious flowing synchronised moves, epic shapes, lifts and jumps etc. But disco twats? No, don’t get it.
    And here’s a thing, its about the only activity where, if you are crap at it, or just don’t want to do it, people will still go, “Ah go on…its FUN!”
    Which is odd, because this attitude probably would not apply to say…poetry, cooking, driving, pottery, violin playing. If you admitted total ineptitude and antipathy to most other activities then people would by and large go, “Ah okay, best give it a miss then eh?”
    Having said all this I do have a slight feeling that there is a sort of primal visceral thrill that I missing out on by being such a white middle-class self-concious male dork, but I usually get this feeling whilst watching Brazilians or Mexicans dance, not people from Essex.
    Cheers
    J

  25. luisguerrerosouthwest said:

    I do think people dance because of social pressure, and It’s true it is a superficial , fake happiness.

  26. Soooooooo true: “They all look like they’re trying so damned hard to fit in and smile and be all, ‘Look! I’m conforming to societal pleasures! I’m moving about in a fashion that indicates my great personality! I have friends! I’m trying to eminate what I’ve seen people on TV and in movies do! I shall smile while I gyrate and tell myself that this is living at it’s best!!!!’”

  27. Victoria said:

    I love this 🙂

  28. lesley ring said:

    I have a wedding to go to next week and I am absolutely dreading it. I am going with my boyfriend and he loves to dance. I said, that’s great if you like to dance! I keep explaining why I don’t want to dance. I will dance occasionally when I feel comfortable, but it is rare. I should not have to justify why I don’t think something is fun. I’m tired of being dragged out onto the dance floor and being looked at as a “party pooper.” The fact is, if I don’t like something then I won’t participate, regardless of what everyone else is doing….and I always find a way to have fun! I’m glad to know there are a few other normal people left on this earth.

  29. Omg… It’s like I was reading my subconscious’s diary!!! I’m a very social person, but moving my body in front of random people doesn’t appeal to me either. Also, I hate how creepy guys I never talk to or even know, think its an excuse to shake their nasty bodies so close to me… Seriously, EW!! (In the voice of jimmy Fallon lol! http://youtu.be/sIhU3mQTp1U) … What is so wrong with just hanging out and talking? Why does it have to be about dancing all the time! .. And btw, I also see alot of sad faces when people dance. If they are so miserable, why dance at all?!

  30. Hi, marry me. We will most definitely have a non dancing wedding.

    Your write up was SPOT on.

  31. I would like this post 10 times if I could.

  32. I love you for writing this.

    Perfect way of thinking. I need not stress anymore for my lack of wanting to dance or party for that matter.

  33. Finally someone who understands my plight!!
    I dont know why people take it as a challenge upon themselves ‘ohh my god she doesnt know how to dance… lets make her learn it! ‘ i never force anyone saying ohh i will make you learn skating its so damn easy! what’s the big deal with dancing!

  34. Hello There. I found your blog using msn. This is an extremely well written article.
    I will make sure to bookmark it and come back to read more of your useful
    info. Thanks for the post. I will certainly comeback.

  35. Loved it…

  36. Yeah, I don’t like to dance either. Sometimes, I’ll be at Five Below, and I’ll bounce a little bit, but not anything elaborate. I think it’s because I’m surrounded by inexpensive goodies, and I do like the music they play. The place makes me happy. Clubs/bars/wedding receptions do not make me happy.

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