I’m a lazy individual. I dont’ profess to be anything else. I embrace my laziness. I like to fool myself into believing that by living this lazy, low exertion lifestyle, I’m adding years to my life. Stress makes you die faster, and though I’m far from unstressed, I don’t need to stress myself out any more.
Once I get home from my job, which is a 45 minute subway ride away in a neighbourhood I loathe, and it is dark out, my day is over. Once I get through that door and into my pyjamas, that’s it, I’m not going out again. I am parking my ass on the couch and wasting time until bed. Often, the wasting of that time involves napping, knitting, blogging, TV watching, etc etc etc. It’s an exciting life I lead.
What that time wasting will not include, because I am lazy, is getting up and dressed and getting back on the subway to go to the grocery store. Oh sure, I’ll TELL myself I’ll do it. I logically know that it’s the best way to go in terms of health and money. I tell myself I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna gooooo to the grocery store, cuz buying lunch every day at work is pricey. I tell the boyfriend that we will go. I even have delusions that it will be fun to dance up and down the aisles, looking at new products and thinking of fun things I could do with them.
Then I remember that I’m lazy. And that I’m already comfortable. That it’s cold outside and that I don’t cook, so it doesn’t matter how many pretty products are going to be there, adorning the aisles. Even if I buy them, I’m only going to let them gather dust for 2 years before I throw them out, cursing the waste of perfectly good money.
I realize that I’ll just end up buying the same stuff I do every single time. Then I’ll probably realize that it’s really late already and even though the grocery store is open 24 hours, the selection is craptastic late at night. Plus, the boyfriend is sleeping and he gets cranky when he gets woken up, so it’ll be even later when we actually get there. Then I remember that I’ll have to fight with idiots who have carts and try to drive them around and that there is currently no licensing process required to drive a cart, so they’ll probably smash into my cart or drive ahead with their head turned and this will piss me off. Then I remember I’ll have to wait in line at the cash and that the cashier will become stumped by a bunch of bananas or a bag of sugar or something and I’ll have to wait for price checker boy to put down his outdated porno mag and go look up the code for it.
Then I think about having to haul the shit UPHILL to the subway station, lift it over the stupid turnstiles while trying to show the collector my metropass and deal with trying to find a seat big enough to allow me, my bags and the boyfriend to sit down. I will inevitably curse myself for buying laundry detergent or toilet paper at the grocery store, since they are a bitch to carry and I could have bought them at the convenience store downstairs, though they would have charged up the ass.
And, despite my amazing intentions and my desire to save money, I will not go to the grocery store. I will order in supper or go out and I will buy lunch tomorrow. So will the boyfriend.
Then I had a brilliant idea. I went online to Grocery Gateway’s website and ordered my fucking food from there, like the civilized urbanite I am. Hauling groceries around is for suckers and shmucks. I am neither.
Folks? It was miraculous! You go on their website, you search their products, you tell them what you want and the food shows up at your fucking door! Like magic! You dont’ even need to pay ahead of time! They take debit at the door!
Holy shiznat! What the hell have I been doing all these years?? Last night was the first time we used them, and I am never going to a grocery store again. They hauled it, they packed it, they brought it into my house. And I loved them for it. It is SO WORTH the $10 delivery fee that they charge. Ten bucks? DONE! I spend that each day on a shitty lunch, which is $50 a week, plus snacks and crap. By giving them ten bucks, I save myself over $40. I have lunch sitting in my office right now! That I didn’t buy from the food court! And I also didn’t have to go out and get it! It just CAME TO MY DOOR!
SWEEEEEEEET. Grocery Gateway, I love you. I am now your slave. You are most definitely the greatest thing that’s happened to me in a long time.