I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

I’m a lazy individual. I dont’ profess to be anything else. I embrace my laziness. I like to fool myself into believing that by living this lazy, low exertion lifestyle, I’m adding years to my life. Stress makes you die faster, and though I’m far from unstressed, I don’t need to stress myself out any more.

Once I get home from my job, which is a 45 minute subway ride away in a neighbourhood I loathe, and it is dark out, my day is over. Once I get through that door and into my pyjamas, that’s it, I’m not going out again. I am parking my ass on the couch and wasting time until bed. Often, the wasting of that time involves napping, knitting, blogging, TV watching, etc etc etc. It’s an exciting life I lead.

What that time wasting will not include, because I am lazy, is getting up and dressed and getting back on the subway to go to the grocery store. Oh sure, I’ll TELL myself I’ll do it. I logically know that it’s the best way to go in terms of health and money. I tell myself I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna gooooo to the grocery store, cuz buying lunch every day at work is pricey. I tell the boyfriend that we will go. I even have delusions that it will be fun to dance up and down the aisles, looking at new products and thinking of fun things I could do with them.

Then I remember that I’m lazy. And that I’m already comfortable. That it’s cold outside and that I don’t cook, so it doesn’t matter how many pretty products are going to be there, adorning the aisles. Even if I buy them, I’m only going to let them gather dust for 2 years before I throw them out, cursing the waste of perfectly good money.

I realize that I’ll just end up buying the same stuff I do every single time. Then I’ll probably realize that it’s really late already and even though the grocery store is open 24 hours, the selection is craptastic late at night. Plus, the boyfriend is sleeping and he gets cranky when he gets woken up, so it’ll be even later when we actually get there. Then I remember that I’ll have to fight with idiots who have carts and try to drive them around and that there is currently no licensing process required to drive a cart, so they’ll probably smash into my cart or drive ahead with their head turned and this will piss me off. Then I remember I’ll have to wait in line at the cash and that the cashier will become stumped by a bunch of bananas or a bag of sugar or something and I’ll have to wait for price checker boy to put down his outdated porno mag and go look up the code for it.

Then I think about having to haul the shit UPHILL to the subway station, lift it over the stupid turnstiles while trying to show the collector my metropass and deal with trying to find a seat big enough to allow me, my bags and the boyfriend to sit down. I will inevitably curse myself for buying laundry detergent or toilet paper at the grocery store, since they are a bitch to carry and I could have bought them at the convenience store downstairs, though they would have charged up the ass.

And, despite my amazing intentions and my desire to save money, I will not go to the grocery store. I will order in supper or go out and I will buy lunch tomorrow. So will the boyfriend.

Then I had a brilliant idea. I went online to Grocery Gateway’s website and ordered my fucking food from there, like the civilized urbanite I am. Hauling groceries around is for suckers and shmucks. I am neither.

Folks? It was miraculous! You go on their website, you search their products, you tell them what you want and the food shows up at your fucking door! Like magic! You dont’ even need to pay ahead of time! They take debit at the door!

Holy shiznat! What the hell have I been doing all these years?? Last night was the first time we used them, and I am never going to a grocery store again. They hauled it, they packed it, they brought it into my house. And I loved them for it. It is SO WORTH the $10 delivery fee that they charge. Ten bucks? DONE! I spend that each day on a shitty lunch, which is $50 a week, plus snacks and crap. By giving them ten bucks, I save myself over $40. I have lunch sitting in my office right now! That I didn’t buy from the food court! And I also didn’t have to go out and get it! It just CAME TO MY DOOR!

SWEEEEEEEET. Grocery Gateway, I love you. I am now your slave. You are most definitely the greatest thing that’s happened to me in a long time.

Love, Talea.


Comments on: "If I was Martha Stewart, I’d refer to this as a ‘Good Thing’" (8)

  1. Ooooh, wowwww! Neat. That woullddd be cool and oh so worth the ten bones.
    We don’t have that here. Lucky me :[

    I don’t regret giving them my 10 buckaroos at all.

  2. What is this Grocery Gateway of which you speak? It sounds like my wildest dream come true!

    Oh shit. Wiki says Ontario area only….

    Another dream slashed to bits.

    They dont’ call me dream-slashin’ Talea for nothing. Ha! Seriously though, I’m sure you have some version of it wherever it is you call home.

  3. YES!!!!!! ONTARIO WINS AGAIN SUCKERS!!!!!!! Ohhh, when you told me about the debit taking I nearly cried. For months I used grocery gateway when I was living next door to you (and didn’t even know it!) in what is a hellof cool area but not so convenient with the groceries. But back then, it was only credit card. And since then, my credit cards, they have been slashed like the non-Ontarians dreams. But the debit, it brings fresh hope! No more chilly 7 minute walks to the Dominion for Emerald! NEVER AGAIN!!! Oh, watch the pounds roll off as I can finally rake in healthy foods and have some other sucker lug it up my nightmare stairs! MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (If Josh reads this, don’t worry, that also includes cheesecake. Delicious, fattening cheesecake.)

    It’s all about eliminating the lugging. If you pay people, you can make them do almost anything….even lugging!

  4. We’re like twin souls or something – I do the exact same thing as you when I get home. Pretty much nothing, but it’s oh so wonderful. your discovery of online grocery shopping is wonderful. Congrats.

    Yes, this discovery helps to eliminate one of the final stumbling blocks in my dream towards a state of complete sloth. I dont think it counts as a sin, cuz I do stuff doing the day and all.

  5. Hahahaha…I HATE when Martha Stewart says “it’s a good thing” in that man voice of hers….it makes me feel like she just ate a child and she’s really happy about it..shudder…but HEY: this grocery gateway thing sounds fantastic, and if I didn’t live a 2min drive from a grocery store, I just might (but even then, the idea of picking up bags and walking them to my car seems rather labourous…LOL 😉 )

    She does have a man voice, and when she says it, she grins with this glint in her eye, all “I just poisoned that drink I made you. You have 43 seconds to live.” It makes me scared.
    Yet another reason I’m glad to not be Martha Stewart.

  6. I too am a whore for the grocery delivery. I live in a top floor, walk up apartment so I like to make the delivery guy carry all the really heavy stuff. It is wondrous!

    FYI – Grocery delivery is not just for Ontario folks. Do a little poking around and if you’re in a populated enough area, you can probably have it too.

    Truly it is a culmination of all the fantastic discoveries humans have made throughout thousands of years. Obviously they laid the groundwork for you and I…..the haters of lugging groceries.

  7. I’m all over this shit dude. I do NOT go to the grocery store. So nice to know you’ve joined the club! 😀

    Come to think of it, I’ve never heard you talk of taking the children to the grocery store. It all seems so clear now and so obvious that you use them too! They are FANNNNNNNtastic!

  8. Oh and Em, you know for the low low price of $10 you can walk in to any Money Mart and get yourself a prepaid credit card to use online (and everywhere else)?

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