So we’ve had another snowstorm in Toronto. This one is the second one in two days. It is our fourth or fifth of the year. And not like, a little bit of snow. A LOT OF MOTHERFUCKING SNOW. EVERYWHERE. I can’t take it anymore. The next storm we get, I’m running outside with a big metal shovel and smacking the crap out of Mother Nature. What? You think I won’t find her? Bullshit man, if you’re angry enough, you’ll find something to kick the crap out of and convince yourself that it’s Mother Nature. That bitch has it coming.
I hate winter. You all know this. The reason I haven’t written anything as of late is because my life goes like this:
– Wake up.
– Be angry about being awake for a while.
– Look outside and lose my mind cuz there’s three new feet of snow on the ground
– Curse the sun, that clearly has a social anxiety disorder, for it never ever comes out.
– Hobble through the unplowed sidewalks, steets and alleys to the subway station entrance.
– Risk my bloody life trying to get down the TTC steps that are made of slippery tile, slanted downwards and covered in a mixture of snow, slush, ice and salt that aint’ doing a damn thing to melt everything.
– Grip the freezing cold metal handrails like my life depends on it (cuz it does…if I fall, I’ll be done for) and make my way down into the bowels of Toronto’s subway system.
– Dodge puddles of melted snow on the way to the turnstiles, because the drains are blocked due to the garbage that uncountable assmonkeys throw on the ground.
– Board train. Avoid puddles of melted snow.
– Try valiantly not to fall asleep on the very boring 40 minute ride up here to where I work in Nowheresville. Get annoyed when fat people try to squish their ass into the seat beside me. Grunt and shift positions, so as to alert them to the fact that I hate their fatness. If it wasnt’ winter, they’d probably be driving and therefore, not pissing me off. Which is just another reason to want to kick Mother Nature’s ass. Whore.
(BTW, at this point, it may be worth mentioning that I am not a morning person)
– Repeat the entire process again, but backwards, until I get home.
– Trudge up the stairs of the subway station (this time trying not to slip downwards and crack the back of my skull open). Get outside only to realize AGAIN that the sun is ALREADY GONE.
– Go home, be depressed due to Seasonal Affective Disorder (stupid Canada) and sleep.
Wow. That was quite the rant. I didn’t expect it to go on that long, but now that it has, I think it’s kind of funny.
Anyways, in the event that you live in Toronto or have the unfortunate luck to visit us during our stormy-assed winter, I thought I’d provide you all with a survival guide to Toronto’s Snowstorms.
1.) Complain. A lot. I do. It’s fun. While walking down the alley, tripping and sliding your way through snowbanks, be sure to swear a lot. Kick the snow. If you’re walking with a companion, throw your head back and groan all displeased-like. Throw a fake temper tantrum. Nobody cares, it’s Toronto, they won’t even look at you.
2.) Buy boots. You’ll look like a little kid on their way to go tobogganing, but you will need them. If you try to wear normal shoes, you’ll wind up with drenched feet and sprained ankles. But be sure that the boots are waterproof (unlike mine), or you’ll just have gigantic ugly shoes that have the capacity to hold a helluva lot of cold fucking melted snow. Grar.
3.) Don’t do your hair before you leave the house. There’s no point. It will become plastered to your head by the snow or blown all to shit by the wind.
4.) Get a metropass. Cuz you won’t be able to drive in this shit without getting stuck, because our ‘newest Canadians’ have never seen snow, but God knows they have a license and goddamit they’re gonna drive their rusty 1987 Toyota Tercel through the snowbanks without abandon. Then they will crash. And you will be stuck in traffic. And people like me will point and laugh and wave their metropasses merrily whilst they make their way to the AWESOME Toronto transit system (no sarcasm, I seriously love the TTC).
5.) Live by the motto: “Winter: Time to get Fat & Ugly”. There’s nothing to do during these storms but stay inside, sleep and eat. Go with it.
6.) Don’t expect anybody to be on time for anything. They won’t be. Toronto flings itself into a panic anytime there’s a storm and everyone is late to get everywhere. Using the storm as an excuse for your tardiness is foolproof. Nobody will argue with you.
7.) Revel in the silence. Snow absorbs sound and Toronto’s a noisy place. Go outside and stand there and listen to the seriously decreased decibel level. It’s quite lovely.
8.) Be prepared to listen to everyone’s tale of near-death. Torontonians think they live in a war zone when it snows and they all want to share their stories. Nod empathetically. One day, you’ll need them to listen to you tell them about how you fell down the subway stairs and have them tell you that they’re sure you didn’t look THAT stupid.
Those are all of my pointers. Mostly cuz I’m gonna go home now. You know, to the darkness and snowbanks of downtown. Sigh.
All you folks in sunny places, count your blessings. And for a few people who have noted that they LIKE snow and are sick of the HEAT in where they live? Yeah. You know where to go.