I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

So we’ve had another snowstorm in Toronto. This one is the second one in two days. It is our fourth or fifth of the year. And not like, a little bit of snow. A LOT OF MOTHERFUCKING SNOW. EVERYWHERE. I can’t take it anymore. The next storm we get, I’m running outside with a big metal shovel and smacking the crap out of Mother Nature. What? You think I won’t find her? Bullshit man, if you’re angry enough, you’ll find something to kick the crap out of and convince yourself that it’s Mother Nature. That bitch has it coming.

I hate winter. You all know this. The reason I haven’t written anything as of late is because my life goes like this:
– Wake up.
– Be angry about being awake for a while.
– Look outside and lose my mind cuz there’s three new feet of snow on the ground
– Curse the sun, that clearly has a social anxiety disorder, for it never ever comes out.
– Hobble through the unplowed sidewalks, steets and alleys to the subway station entrance.
– Risk my bloody life trying to get down the TTC steps that are made of slippery tile, slanted downwards and covered in a mixture of snow, slush, ice and salt that aint’ doing a damn thing to melt everything.
– Grip the freezing cold metal handrails like my life depends on it (cuz it does…if I fall, I’ll be done for) and make my way down into the bowels of Toronto’s subway system.
– Dodge puddles of melted snow on the way to the turnstiles, because the drains are blocked due to the garbage that uncountable assmonkeys throw on the ground.
– Board train. Avoid puddles of melted snow.
– Try valiantly not to fall asleep on the very boring 40 minute ride up here to where I work in Nowheresville. Get annoyed when fat people try to squish their ass into the seat beside me. Grunt and shift positions, so as to alert them to the fact that I hate their fatness. If it wasnt’ winter, they’d probably be driving and therefore, not pissing me off. Which is just another reason to want to kick Mother Nature’s ass. Whore.
(BTW, at this point, it may be worth mentioning that I am not a morning person)
– Work.
– Repeat the entire process again, but backwards, until I get home.
– Trudge up the stairs of the subway station (this time trying not to slip downwards and crack the back of my skull open). Get outside only to realize AGAIN that the sun is ALREADY GONE.
– Go home, be depressed due to Seasonal Affective Disorder (stupid Canada) and sleep.

Wow. That was quite the rant. I didn’t expect it to go on that long, but now that it has, I think it’s kind of funny.

Anyways, in the event that you live in Toronto or have the unfortunate luck to visit us during our stormy-assed winter, I thought I’d provide you all with a survival guide to Toronto’s Snowstorms.

Ahem.

1.) Complain. A lot. I do. It’s fun. While walking down the alley, tripping and sliding your way through snowbanks, be sure to swear a lot. Kick the snow. If you’re walking with a companion, throw your head back and groan all displeased-like. Throw a fake temper tantrum. Nobody cares, it’s Toronto, they won’t even look at you.

2.) Buy boots. You’ll look like a little kid on their way to go tobogganing, but you will need them. If you try to wear normal shoes, you’ll wind up with drenched feet and sprained ankles. But be sure that the boots are waterproof (unlike mine), or you’ll just have gigantic ugly shoes that have the capacity to hold a helluva lot of cold fucking melted snow. Grar.

3.) Don’t do your hair before you leave the house. There’s no point. It will become plastered to your head by the snow or blown all to shit by the wind.

4.) Get a metropass. Cuz you won’t be able to drive in this shit without getting stuck, because our ‘newest Canadians’ have never seen snow, but God knows they have a license and goddamit they’re gonna drive their rusty 1987 Toyota Tercel through the snowbanks without abandon. Then they will crash. And you will be stuck in traffic. And people like me will point and laugh and wave their metropasses merrily whilst they make their way to the AWESOME Toronto transit system (no sarcasm, I seriously love the TTC).

5.) Live by the motto: “Winter: Time to get Fat & Ugly”. There’s nothing to do during these storms but stay inside, sleep and eat.  Go with it.

6.) Don’t expect anybody to be on time for anything. They won’t be. Toronto flings itself into a panic anytime there’s a storm and everyone is late to get everywhere. Using the storm as an excuse for your tardiness is foolproof. Nobody will argue with you.

7.) Revel in the silence. Snow absorbs sound and Toronto’s a noisy place. Go outside and stand there and listen to the seriously decreased decibel level. It’s quite lovely.

8.) Be prepared to listen to everyone’s tale of near-death. Torontonians think they live in a war zone when it snows and they all want to share their stories. Nod empathetically. One day, you’ll need them to listen to you tell them about how you fell down the subway stairs and have them tell you that they’re sure you didn’t look THAT stupid.

Those are all of my pointers. Mostly cuz I’m gonna go home now. You know, to the darkness and snowbanks of downtown. Sigh.

All you folks in sunny places, count your blessings. And for a few people who have noted that they LIKE snow and are sick of the HEAT in where they live? Yeah. You know where to go.

Advertisements

Comments on: "I’m about to kick Mother Nature’s ass. Seriously." (9)

  1. Winter is awesome because of #5.

    I pretty much cover everything in butter, and cover up all the fatty goodness on my hips and butt I wear giant jackets and scarves. It doesn’t work, but by that point I’m in a butter coma and I don’t care.

    LMAO, I love it! A butter coma, that is awesome! I wear layers, so I can blame the extra bulk on the layers.

  2. Holy shit.

    Obviously this post is self-indulgent for a Toronto-winter-complainer like me. Of course, people outside of Toronto won’t care about the rest of my comment, but fuck ’em, it’s all for you sister 😉 …

    Okay so Talea, I have a double driveway at my house; furthermore, my sister has useless stick-arms (skinny bitch). To conclude, I’ve shovelled more mountains of heavy slushy snow in the last 3 days than any 20-something brown-girl ever should (my arms are sore, but I’m not gonna lie, they look hotter…LOL…)

    And by the way, you are a crazy-hilarious mother-fucker when you rant; seriously, if you had like a little “wind-up” mechanism on your side, I would wind you up over and over to hear new rants…and in case you don’t believe me, here are a couple of favourite parts:

    “Bullshit man, if you’re angry enough, you’ll find something to kick the crap out of and convince yourself that it’s Mother Nature. That bitch has it coming.” Hahaha….

    “Grunt and shift positions, so as to alert them to the fact that I hate their fatness. If it wasnt’ winter, they’d probably be driving and therefore, not pissing me off. Which is just another reason to want to kick Mother Nature’s ass. Whore.” WHAT!??!?! LMAO…. 🙂

    I rant all the damn time! It’s what I do, what I’m known for, it’s how I roll, yo. Hahaha.
    Ashamedly, I’m going to confess that I really like shovelling. I was always the one who had to do it and we had a loooooooong driveway back home and I liked doing it. Full body workout! You’ll be hot in no time Romi, cuz guess what?? We’re getting 4-10 more centimetres tonight!
    After tonight’s snow, this is officially going to be the second snowiest winter in Toronto history. AWFUL!

  3. Between you and Romi .. excellent rant!

    It aint sunny here, but it’s cold .. Surely not as cold as up there. And our snow? Maybe … 3-4 inches a winter. And that’s a lot. *ducks for cover*

    But it ain’t sunny.

    We’ve gotten something like 125 centimetres this year, I read this morning. I’m going to google to find out what that is in inches…..k, I’m back….that’s 49.2 inches!!!!!
    FEEL OUR PAIN!
    And we’re getting MORE tonight!
    I love how you reiterated that it wasn’t sunny though, in fear that I’d lose my shit on you. Hahaha, I luv ya Red.

  4. lonelygurl21 said:

    i do agree winter is good for stocking up on the fat and i would get pretty pissy if i was facing death twice a day to get to fucken work.. we could trade places for a day if you like?

    i hate summer coz although the hot boys come out.. the fat people SMELL and it is GROSS. its hard to describe its like sweaty arse, bumcrack, fannycrack, underarm, bad breath, underarm stench.

    blah.

    Do you even GET winter down there? You’re in NZ, right? Or Australia, same difference to me all the way up here.
    And isn’t the fannycrack the same as the bumcrack? Up here, a fanny is an ass. I’m now afraid that where you live, a fanny is something else in that region, and my god, if the city smells like that in the summer, you have my sympathy.

  5. FUCKING SNOW GODDAMNED WHORE FACE SONOFABITCH COWFUCKING EVILSPAWNOFSATAN FUCKTARDED FUCKING FUCK!!!!!!!!

    GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! TOO MUCH SNOW!!!!!!

    *breaks down in tears*

    Agreed.

  6. queenbitch said:

    new zealand and australia are rather different thank you very much! most people think new zealand is just one of australia’s islands!

    um.. where i live we’re too far down to get snow? we did once i was at my old job as a checkout person and i begged my supervisor to get me go outside and play in the snow and she did! it was fun but it melted in like 10 mins. it snows like 46mins from here in waiouru. so we get cold like its going to snow but it never does. and we get ice on the road and ice on the window screens and morons driving like fruitloops but no actual snow. i dont even think it snows where shannon (leaf ) is

    down here fanny = va jay-jay. so yes in summer some people smell like fanny crack. especially if they’re old and fat and dont shower after sex.

    we can totally switch places if you like.. although i think greenie/ emerald will lead me astray if i work with her!!

    Trust me, I know they’re different countries! They’re both the same to the me in the sense that they don’t get real winters.
    And yes, working with Em would be difficult for most. Though she is my bestest buddy and I have a grand ol’ time with her.
    Good to know that if I ever go to New Zealand, when talking about my ass, I should not refer to it as my fanny! Unless I want that kind of ‘attention’.
    Wow. You’ve had snow once in your life. Unfathomable.

  7. Ok, you girls are really upsetting me using “whore” all negative like… but it’s ok. mother nature is a whore in Michigan too. We’ve had tons of snow this year too and we got more dumped on us today. Unfortunately we don’t have an awesome transit system so i have to drive my gorgeous little yellow happy car (which sticks out like sore thumb amongst all the fucking GRAY) and it’s like roller skating on ice. super fucking fun…really, no, you should try it.

  8. This is one of the things that I missed about you when I was in that hot clement, and I agree with whoever said it before, #5 is my reason for living in the winter, however I did notice that you didn’t mention red wine.

    I will get over my disappointment.

  9. …with this next glass of wine.

    Cheers Cait! Next time I see ya (I think this weekend at May’s), we shall become fat and ugly together! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: