I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

I have this completely irrational and unfounded fear that I am, at all times and no matter my financial situation, completely flat out broke.

I’m better than I was. In university, it was really out of hand.

I would arrive at school, totally exhausted. I really wanted a coffee. I would go through my wallet and look at my measly amounts of change, and then try to decide if I could really afford to pay $1.40 for a large.

Okay, so I HAD $1.40. Technically. But, if I got a coffee today, then I’d want one tomorrow. And it only takes just over like, a dozen coffees, and suddenly I’ve wasted a $20 bill. And I probably won’t even get that high, cuz inevitably some days I will also buy a muffin. And what of the caffeine crash in the afternoon I would surely get? Well, then I’d have to buy another coffee. Oh God, I’ll go through $20 in a week! That’s $80 a month! And THAT’S only if I spend my money solely on coffee!! But I won’t, I know I won’t! If I have the cash in my pocket, I’ll buy lunch and I’ll buy books and I’ll buy who knows what!! Then I’ll need more money. Up to $100 a month. 

And $100 a month over the course of the school year was like…….$800!! Shit! That’s like, 6 months of groceries! Or two months of rent!! Oh god, then I’ll have to take money from somewhere else to get my bus pass. Or not eat. Then I won’t be able to make my Visa payment, and creditors will come after me, and when I graduate I’ll have huge debts and what if the furnace explodes and AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

No coffee for Talea.

 That’s how it was. For years and years and years. A coffee ballooned it’s way to me being homeless, unemployed and so in debt that I shouldn’t even bother trying to dig my way out. So I lived on nothing essentially, to appease my broken brain.

I attribute this particular irrational fear to my father, who has been a banker longer than I have been alive. The man hates his job. But he does it with incredible efficiency and is unrelenting. I remember my parents ripping apart the house to find out where the receipts were for my mom’s chequebook. If it was off by 12 freaking cents, then that 12 cents had to be somewhere!! And he would stop at nothing to figure out where the money was leaking from.

Today, though I’ve seriously improved, I still suck when it comes to money paranoia. Although I always have enough in my account for 3 months rent, I will not let myself spend $50 to buy a pair of new pants for work. I won’t let myself get a damned coffee. I’m always terrified the shit is going to hit the fan, and I’m going to curse myself for spending frivolously when I need to pay for Zoey’s vet bill.

I really need to try and learn that money is just money, it’s nothing in and of itself. Anyone have any brilliant comment that will cement that into my mind? My dad always yells at me to go buy myself more stuff, to go out more blah blah blah, but then he’ll also call me when my Visa payment is late or when my account is low, cuz he spies on my account, since I bank at the bank that he works at. Talk about sucking.

Here’s some other irrational fears I have! Fun!

– The dark. Hate it.

– That I will have a severe muscle spasm while waiting on the platform for the subway, and fall onto the tracks moments before the train’s arrival, only to be squashed in front of hundreds.

– The same thing as above, but this time on a street corner with a big car.

– Flying. I hate it.

– Moldy bread. I had two bad reactions to penicillin when I was wee. Now, I inspect every iota of every piece of bread that I eat. I’m terrified of eating a moldy piece of bread.

– I honestly truly believe that there is a being/god/spirit that can hear every word in my head. I censor my own thoughts to prevent myself from greeting Satan one day.

– I will not look into a mirror when it is dark. A friend in grade 6 told me if I did, then a bloody Virgin Mary would appear. I dont need to see that, thank you very much.

– That I will die if I touch a piece of raw meat. I will not touch raw chicken, raw beef or raw pork. Because I will die if I do, for I will surely contract salmonella or E.Coli or Mad Cow or whatever the hell you get from pigs. I had to call the boyfriend from his friends place upstaris in our apartment building the other night to take the chicken out of the package and put it in the pan, because I couldn’t do it.

– I will try almost any food anybody offers me (except falafels……I’m sorry, I just can’t eat something called falafel), but every time I do, I’m convinced I am going to have an allergy to it if it’s a new food, my throat will swell up and that will be all that there is for Talea.

Anyways, I have to go now. I also have an irrational fear that my head office spies on my computer at all hours now that it’s networked, so I can only blog on this computer, which is unnetworked, which also happens to not be mine. It is Emerald’s, and she is back from lunch now.

I am off to eat my own lunch. Which obviously does not include bread, or any new foods. While I eat, I will contemplate my financial situation and try to convince myself I should really go out tonight and get new work pants. I only have one pair. People are starting to notice. Ha.


Comments on: "My irrational fears won’t leave me alone!" (17)

  1. LOL This post was hilarious. I don’t know why being neurotic is so funny, but it is. Maybe because all these fears you have are very understandable and very true. Especially the one about looking into a mirror when it’s dark. I heard that story too, it actually happened to a friend of my friend’s sister …

    I really stand on the platform every day and think, ‘What if my knee suddenly gives out and I have some freakish spasm and I fall in front of the train?’. I’m glad my neuroses are funny to you. *Twitch* And I don’t know if you’re mocking me or not about your friends sister….don’t feed my neuroses! Ahhh!

  2. Maybe have your bank take $200 a month and set it aside so you always have growing savings, and then you can feel free to spend whatever is left over from your pay cheque to BUY YOURSELF A NEW DAMNED PAIR OF PANTS.

    Fuck that, I’m buying you a pair of fucking pants for your birthday.

    I did! I went shopping tonight!!! And I have new pants!! Wooooooo!

  3. Many people wish they had that kind of self control with money. I say make yourself a “fun money” budget of a few bucks a month, and the same for misc. needs like clothes and such. Then you can have the best of both worlds, saving and controlled spending at the same time.

    As far as the other stuff, YOU’RE NUTS!!! 😉
    Just kidding. Nobody’s perfect.

    Oh, I’m a lost cause, I know it. Even Peter Parkour says so!
    Self control is good until you snap and go buy a helicopter or something. Coming soon to your local skies? Talea!! Broke and airborne!

  4. I fear people will be amazed at my porn collection, once I die. I should get myself a porn-buddy to do the cleaning, when I go. Good luck with the new pants: you deserve them!

    I love the blogworld’s concern towards my pant situation. I shall reiterate that I bought new pants tonight! THREE pairs!!
    And I’d be concerned about the porn collection too. You should definitely have a buddy who knows his role once you kick the bucket: rent a dumpster and clean that shit out before your distraught loved ones find out what a freak you are. Hahaha. Thanks for commenting duffboy!

  5. It kind of sucks that your dad can check in on your account – you’ve always got him glancing over your shoulder.

    Personally, I treat money like it’s a guest in my home. I show it a really good time because if I do, I know it’ll come back.

    Now, that’s really bad, bad advice because I’m in what you call debt. I like buying stuff all the time. I just do. But, like they say, you can’t take your money with you with you go, so I utilize the more “enjoy it; it’ll come back” approach.

    But that’s probably why you have cash and I don’t. If you have any advice for me, I’d love it.

    Indeed it does suck. Like, whenever I want to go crazy in the Condom Shack, I have to take out cash first. Haha. Kidding. Or AM I?
    My advice for you? Hmmmmm. Develop serious brain problems and think that you’re moments away from homelessness at all times. You’ll hoard money like you won’t believe but it’ll NEVER BE ENOUGH! Ahhhahahahahahaaaaa!

  6. Oh my gosh…..my irrational subway fear is totally involuntary by now….like as soon as I see the lights of the subway approaching, I walk backwarding and press by back against the wall, thinking that I somehow have a velcro back which adheres to the wall, and tha said “sticking to wall” will save me from otherwise inevitable “crushing”….where do these things come from? I really don’t know…is it something in the air!?!??!?

    In the TTC subways? Something in the air? I would bet so. Those places can be scary. I’m telling ya……every time that train rolls up, I’m thinking, ‘Legs, don’t you dare do something crazy!!!’

  7. This was hilarious! You make me feel so much better! I love it that you edit all the thoughts in your head for an omniscient being.

    Now I’m going to go obsessively worry about what it is exactly that I worry about.

    I do! I totally do! I think I started doing it when I was about 7…..I don’t know why either, we never went to church.

  8. oh my god, I was just on my way to bed, and realized that the grammar in my comment to you was atrocious (in my defense I had a “razzmopolitan” buzz on when I wrote that “oh yeah, raspberry cosmo”… 😉 )…so please forgive me…I am somewhat ashamed…

    I was quite surprised that the grammar was…um….not up to par. But now that I understand you were tipsy, it’s allllll good.

  9. I too, stand with my back to the wall at the subway. Not because I’m afraid I’ll accidentally throw myself in, but anout 10 years ago or so there was this dude shoving people in front of trains. I do remember that he got arrested, but that was so long ago. So, yeah I’m afraid of that.

    I have to say you’re missing out with not eating falafels, ‘falafel’ just means pepper in Arabic and they’re yummy. I know Talea never turns down yummy eats. 🙂

    And, I may be able to share an OCD solution with you about the raw meat. I can’t touch it either, so I use tongs and gloves (yes, most of the time I use both).

    I remember hearing that. And it’s kind of scary.
    And I’m sorry, I shall not be coerced into becoming a falafel eater. It’s become a schtick at this point. No falafels for Talea. Ever.

  10. Me too with the dark, and the mirror thing, I actually hadn’t heard the bloody virgin mary story though, I just think it’s creepy – what if you look into a mirror and see someone looking out?! Or out a window? Freaky.

    And Peter Parkour is right, I do envy your control over your money.

    Yeah, it’s enviable to a degree. But I’ve long since passed that degree.
    I used to think that someone was watching me from inside the mirror. I think I was a messed up kid.

  11. Holy moly! I just laughed so hard the people in my office gave me a “look”. ” honestly truly believe that there is a being/god/spirit that can hear every word in my head. I censor my own thoughts to prevent myself from greeting Satan one day” What a wonderfully clever post – sadly, I can relate to most of it. I feel like my thoughts are there to torture me, if that makes sense?

    Yeah, and this wasn’t even one of my funny posts (shameless plug, shameless plug). You should read some of my other posts (shameeeeeeless). And comment on them. Please?
    I do man, I totally do censor my own thoughts. I live in some weird ‘1984’ Talea-induced mind prison.

  12. […] wrote this hilarious post about irrational fears, which naturally made me start thinking more about my […]

  13. […] was thinking about this topic the other day, after reading Talea’s post about her own unfounded fears. Coincidentally, a friend phoned because she was […]

  14. I can relate to this too. I do many of these things.

    I feel you pain about your dad too. My mom works at the bank we use, and she does the same thing. It pisses me off. We should have them fired.

    I bring it up with him every chance I get and every time he denies that he’s stopped doing it. It’s total crap. And I can’t believe you have that problem too!!!

  15. 50 bucks for pants? For pants?! What kinda pants?
    I wont pay TEN bucks for pants, let alone 50 . . hehe, I’m such a cheap ass though. Plus Im poor.
    But on to you .. wow. Fear of money, or lack of money rather. I would definitely say it’s because of your Pop, it’s like it’s bred into you ..
    And new foods scare me too. Swelling. The neck will swell .. it never does, but ya never know!

    Yep, I always manage to convince myself that my throat is slowly closing. Keeps things exciting, you know?

  16. thats it, man

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