I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

I recently posted a meme where it wanted to know the kind of underwear I was wearing. I responded honestly, a thong. Awesome Friend (who works with me in real life…’the 3D world’) commented that she found this odd, since I don’t seem very ‘thongy’.This comment inspired me to write about undies. Everyone’s favourite part of a wardrobe.

When I am at work, I only wear thongs. I do not want VPL (Visible Panty Line) in my work pants. I yell at people all day to give me money, I don’t need them thinking that they can see my granny panties all bunched up in my pants. I need them to think I am a serious business wom-an!! I want my ass to look as it is: smooth, supple and lineless. Ahem. I don’t want to be walking around work all day, pulling my underwear out of my ass. The thong is supposed to be there. It stays put. I don’t have to be squirming around and excusing myself while I fight with my undergarments.

Now, one problem with thongs is that the sides tend to be thin bands of fabric. They cut into the hips, creating a pseudo-muffin top. UN-attractive. So you have to wear the side bands low down, so the muffin top can be concealed within your work pants. But then it causes fit issues down below. It’s a domino effect, really. And one I don’t appreciate. Sigh. The things we do for our asses to be as pretty as possible…

When I’m not at work, I’m a full brief kind of girl. I like comfort. Plus, thongs + jeans are not a good idea really. The discomfort is awful, plus, nobody can see a VPL through jeans so why bother? Though I find them bulky and awkward, but whatever. There’s certain parts of jeans that need to be buffered from touching your ‘place’ and only briefs can provide that sort of insurance.

My undie drawer is a varied place indeed. I’m open to different underwear types. Except boy shorts. DAMN I hate those. They ride up and they suck in every way possible. The elastic on the legs gets loose and then they get all floppy and horribleness ensues. I hate them. They give you a little ring of….bunched up fabricness around your upper thigh and that’s not what I’m going for either.

As close to porn as this site will ever get.

But that comment made me think. Why don’t I seem like a thong girl? Is it because I’m a total conservative prude? Well, probably, but not everbody knows that. I don’t think you can guess what kind of underwear people prefer. It’s a total crapshoot. A box of chocolates if you will.

One thing I’ll never understand is women who match their bras with their underwear. Um. Why? So that nobody can see it? So that when somebody does see it and takes it off, they’ll feel that their decision to sleep with you was a sound one, because you can colour coordinate your unmentionables? Fuck that. Whatever bra I can pick up off the floor is good enough for me, so long as it isn’t brown and I’m planning on wearing a white shirt. I’m not slutty like that. I hate dark bras under white shirts. But I do loves me a brown bra.

Bras………underwire or no underwire? Well, I am a 100% underwire girl. I don’t see how you can’t be. They’re just superior. Until the wire breaks through and stabs you in the sternum. That gets awkward when you have to remove it in public. Yeesh. I fucking hate that.

No matter what your underwear preferences……white, colours, patterns, flowers, thongs, briefs, boyshorts……..I think we can all agree on one thing.

Granny panties are of the devil and should be burned en masse, post haste. They are awful. I shall reference the scene in Bridget Jones’ Diary where Hugh Grant discovers Renee Zelwegger’s gigantic panties. He can’t even concentrate on the ‘situation’. He becomes so distracted by the underwear that he has to stop what he’s doing to be sure he’s not hallucinating.

Ladies, you don’t want men hallucinating in THAT way when you reach ‘critical point’ time. Do yourselves a favour………go through the drawer and throw away the granny panties. And the period panties. You know what I’m talking about. We all have them.

Yep. So those are my thoughts on undies. Also, I really hate the word panties. I do. It’s a gross word.

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Comments on: "My thoughts on unmentionables." (15)

  1. PANTIES PANTIES PANTIES!!!!!!

    Yeah, no to the gramma underthings. Ugly ugly ugly. I do keep my ‘period’ underwear so as to keep from ruining my good underwear. But I should really throw them out now…thank you Depo!!!

    Le gasp! I have a bit of extra money! I should buy a bra, and replace all my unsavoury panties with new ones, and get all new socks too! SWEEET! There’s something about having a perfect underwear drawer that just makes you think that you’re life is going on the right track. So does a wellstocked fridge, but when you live on your own, a wellstocked fridge goes to waste. So panties ahoy!

    Grrrrr. I hate period underwear. They never feel clean. Ever.
    And you’re right, a fully stocked underwear drawer IS a path to inner calm.

  2. But if I get rid of the period underwear, won’t I just start ruining the good stuff? I am fighting you on this one!

    I threw out the granny panties about a month ago though. Totally purged. Even the ones in the bottom of the drawer. I feel so much better now.

    I had a lineup of red panties that were my period underwear (very smart if I do say so). The boyfriend eventually made the connection that red meant stay away.
    I dont know, you need a few, but just……….hide them. And don’t leave them on the top of the laundry pile. Ewwww.

  3. I always think about that Hugh Grant line when he looks at Bridget’s underwear: “Ooooohhhh mummy!” Mortifying!

    I agree with you about thongs, although I think it’s a much more horrible word than “panties.” I love not having the VPL.

    Great post!!!!

    I don’t mind the word thong. But panties is truly an awful word. And thanks!

  4. queenbitch said:

    Panties makes me feel like im talking to a dirty old man. I dont know why. Also I never thought of Red underwear for the period thing. Im not really a red underwear girl. I use black For my period. Just so everyone knows lol
    oh and incase your wondering.. i have FIVE DRAWS devoted solely to underwear and bras. yup. FIVE.

    I envy you greatly. And yeah, I really hate that word.
    And I don’t even have five drawers in TOTAL. I only have three. For everything!

  5. This was a really brave post where you talked about a lot of things I dare not talk about on a regular basis…

    Now the thing is, I have such a stock pile of bunchy grandma-skivvies….can I really commit to a full-on purge? At this point I feel like I have enough granny-undies to open up a store of “used-granny-undies” and clothe the vaginas of scores of women who’d be in the market for “used-granny-undies”, thought I’m a little weary of what sort of clientele I’d attract…

    You can probably ship to those to Japan or Germany and make a tidy profit…..just sayin’

  6. I agree with you Romy. Once your bunch of “granny-skivvies” have caressed your vagina, how would you feel about their final destination? I checked a co-worker’s blue thong this week. It was a beautiful hight-light and a secret fantasy come true.

    Ah, those little things that get one through the workday, eh?

  7. I call them skivvies. And I rarely wear them.
    And in the off chance that I DO wear them, I sure as fuck don’t make them match my bra. I could really give two shits about that.
    And I wear boy shorts . .
    And yes, I think every girl has “period skivvies”.

    Skivvies is definitely better than panties. Maybe i’ll start using that word. My other option is ‘gitch’, which I don’t like.

  8. Oh, and I hate the VPL .. the Mister has a fetish for panty lines *bleh*

    I can see it….cuz you know what’s under it blah blah, but not outside the house.

  9. I hate the word panties…and I refuse to wear them! My daughter’s favorite line is, “You really should wear underwear because if you get in an accident and have to go to the hospital you’re going to be embarrassed if you don’t have any on!”

    I don’t understand this commando subculture I’m seeing out there. Isn’t that uncomfortable? Messy? Please, do explain!

  10. Enlightening… very enlightening.. in a Hugh Grant, James Bond kind of way..

    Hey, I try to help out the sexy Englishmen. You however, I don’t know, if it helped, then I’m glad. 😉

  11. Ew – granny panties… And panties is infinatly better than undies…

    Really? Huh. Other way around for me.

  12. What a great post! Well-written, excellently expressed, thorough, and I agree 100%.

    I TRY to coordinate my up/down colors but don’t really care.

    Bras are too expensive to have all sorts of colours.
    And thank you!!

  13. 4heartbeats said:

    You know I used to make a huge deal about matching my unmentionables, but I grew out of that quick!
    Reasons To Abandon Matching:
    1) Most of the time, nobody knows I’m even matching (except for me)
    2) The person who’s supposed to notice doesn’t even care (whatever I’m wearing, he just wants it off)
    3) Or one (either bra or thong) is bound to have a longer life span than the other and I am not one to throw away perfectly good skivvies all for the sake of matching.

    Oh, and brave post Talea. 😀

    Hey, I’m brave so long as it’s thru the pseudo-anonymity of the net. Haha. Yeah, I find that those who actually catch a glimpse of the matching undies tend to not give a rats ass what colour they are.

  14. When the underwire comes out and stabs you, you pull it out and are stuck with one sagging boob. The whole thing is horrible. I’m granny panies ALL THE WAY, sorry!

  15. joebecca said:

    you know what else totally sucks on underwire bras? when the wire BENDS… aw man.. that happened to me the other day . .pretty much garbage cuz you can never get it bent back correctly.

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