I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

After years of observations (biased, but still) through several cities and provinces, I do believe that I can unveil these theories with little fear of criticism towards their validness. I think they are universally true. And if you disagree with me, well, move along.

My first new theory which will rock the scientific world is an inverse relationship. At least, I think it is….keep in mind I almost failed stats in university, but I didn’t…..but I got very close. Enough about my academic blunders. This theory shall henceforth be known as: The Stiletto Slut Inverse Relationship Theory.

Through years of observations and after 3 years of living in the heart of Toronto’s ‘Entertainment District’ (aka, the club ghetto), I’ve seen thousands of girls/women and their chosen footwear for an evening out on the town. I have concluded that the tinier the a girl’s heels, the greater her slut factor is. It’s completely undeniable. It seems that slutty girls really want to break their ankles…..probably so they can get rushed to the hospital and try to pick up a doctor, cuz they’re dumb enough to believe that money makes a great marriage (whoah…..where’d that come from??). Stilletto wearers are the epitome of this theory, equalling the biggest sluts. If you add in winter as a third factor, they become infinitely slutty. They believe that teetering around like fools in the snow is highly sexually arousing to men. However, the real truth is that men have been aware of this inverse relationship, subconsciously, for years. They know that skinny heels = open access. The opposite end of the spectrum are lesbians in combat boots. Huh? Huh? Think about it!

Since this is a new theory, I couldn’t find a graph indicating it’s absolute trueness in a visually impacting way. So I’ve created my own graph to help you understand:

stilletto-graph.jpg

Irrfefutable. Obvs.

Theory #2 is pretty much the exact same damned theory, but with two different variables. These variables? ‘Cause buttons’ and ‘level of hippiness/left-wingedness’. I’m sure at this point, you’re all ‘WTF?’. Let me explain.

First, my operational definition of ’cause buttons’ in illustrative form:

The more of these buttons an individual displays on their person, the likelier they are to have dreadlocks. Mostly these buttons are all ‘warm and fuzzy’ and convey a dillusional ‘Why can’t we just love everybody the way they are?’ sort of message. They stand for ’causes’. If a person has a bunch of these on their hat, their purse handles, their jeans, or their backpack, you are dealing with a hippie. If they have a few, then they’re just testing out liberal waters.You never see a right-winger wearing buttons. Buttons seem to be a left-wing phenomenon. And that’s cool. Whatever, button it up. I shall call this theory: The Hippie to Button Likelieness Phenomenon. I guess it’ll be the HBLP for short. Kind of just rolls off the tongue. Ahhhh, the ol’ HBLP.

Yep. Just call me Crazy Smart Mathematician Talea.  Or ‘Observer of Obvious Things That Nobody’s Ever Bothered Wasted Time Writing Down’. OOTTNEBWTWD for short. That’s me. Wasting time so you can easily identify hippies and sluts. You can thank me later.

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Comments on: "Two New Mathematical Theories…" (14)

  1. DUDE…I have always cursed mathematical graphs for never being able to make me “LOL”…until now of course, hahaha…and all it took was an analysis of the relationship between heel-size/sluttiness and/or sexual orientation….the bitches at MIT will be stealing this for their lectures, I know it 😉

    PS: you even added the laces on the combat boot! I hope this is not the last of your amazing graphs 😉

    PPS: “Whatever, button it up”…so simple, yet so amusing 🙂

    I was going to add a note explaining the blob on the combat boots, but I didn’t and you still figured it out!
    And I KNOW right? Dude, if they had graphs like that in high school math, maybe I wouldn’t have fallen asleep so much.
    And I wish those assholes from MIT would just leave me alone for once, shit.

  2. The HBLP theory .. have you pronounced the “HBLP”? I have .. I have for several minutes now .. I keep saying it. And it doooes roll off the tongue quite nicely. HBBBLP.
    I love the graph – it’s ssooooo professional looking.

    I have. It’s sort of awkward and burpy I find. I feel the need to excuse myself after.
    Dude, I am NOTHING if not uber-professional.

  3. May I introduce an exception to The Stiletto Slut Inverse Relationship Theory? Working in a court house and going into court everyday. There’s just something about wearing stilettos in court. I wore them all the time, and so does my mom, but only when working in the court house. Can’t explain it.

    Also, the button/patch thing is BANG ON! Love this!

    Hmmm, well, I’ll allow that, cuz you’re not a slut.
    But next time, please don’t disprove my theory! Haha.

  4. Paul B. said:

    Lesbian combat boots?????!!!!! OMG.. I am going insane.. that is the best.. maybe. 😉

    I don’t quite know what to make with this comment. I can’t tell if you find it funny or unspeakably retarded.

  5. @ Paul: you did NOT just say “OMG”, did you?…Suddenly I’m picturing you chewing watermelon-flavoured bubble gum, and twirling your “goldi-locks” strands of hair…in which case I think your shoe-selection would put you in the far upper-right of that tell-tale graph…

    The graph is helping people already!!

  6. joebecca said:

    damn, I better start wearing my stilettos more often before my whore status becomes in name only….

    Yeah, and you’re short dude. Stiletto it up, whore!!

  7. um…I’m super confused. where would my high heel 1975 (remember the movie Urban Cowboy?) cowboy boots fit in here? I thought I was so super trendy. now i’m not sure if I’m sending the wrong message.

    Uh, I’ve never heard of it. I think that was before my time. But you’re from Utah, so you can’t be a slut.

  8. Oh.
    My.
    Gawd.

    Greatness. Your graph was the best part. And your theories? SOOO true. Love it.

    I personally adore my graph, yeah. It’s pretty sweet.

  9. Did u consider the Hippy Slut Factor?

    I hadn’t, actually. But then I thought about it and I don’t know that if I was a guy I’d want to run into a hippie slut. Hippies’ tend to ignore vital things like, hygiene and razors.
    Just sayin’…..

  10. Duffboy – Hippies wear sandals or go barefoot…that would be a whole new graph…. 🙂

    Oh, and another good reason why hippies didn’t make it into that particular new mathematical equation.

  11. Sometimes I wear stilletos (never in the snow) because I like the cheap thrills of laughing in face of boys who have yet to discover this theory and think they have a snowballs chance in hell. Technically this may mean I disprove the theory, since I own stilletos and would not consider myself a slut (certainly more liberal than you, but not a slut). However, we both know I’m a bit of an oddball.

  12. There goes my Hippy Slut theory…

  13. Hippie slut theory… birkenstocks with socks or something, would be down there with the lesbian boots 🙂

  14. […] even though I’m not a fan of fanfiction: it’s about different character after all), this person’s blog, a graph of Iraq war spending & other energy […]

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