After years of observations (biased, but still) through several cities and provinces, I do believe that I can unveil these theories with little fear of criticism towards their validness. I think they are universally true. And if you disagree with me, well, move along.
My first new theory which will rock the scientific world is an inverse relationship. At least, I think it is….keep in mind I almost failed stats in university, but I didn’t…..but I got very close. Enough about my academic blunders. This theory shall henceforth be known as: The Stiletto Slut Inverse Relationship Theory.
Through years of observations and after 3 years of living in the heart of Toronto’s ‘Entertainment District’ (aka, the club ghetto), I’ve seen thousands of girls/women and their chosen footwear for an evening out on the town. I have concluded that the tinier the a girl’s heels, the greater her slut factor is. It’s completely undeniable. It seems that slutty girls really want to break their ankles…..probably so they can get rushed to the hospital and try to pick up a doctor, cuz they’re dumb enough to believe that money makes a great marriage (whoah…..where’d that come from??). Stilletto wearers are the epitome of this theory, equalling the biggest sluts. If you add in winter as a third factor, they become infinitely slutty. They believe that teetering around like fools in the snow is highly sexually arousing to men. However, the real truth is that men have been aware of this inverse relationship, subconsciously, for years. They know that skinny heels = open access. The opposite end of the spectrum are lesbians in combat boots. Huh? Huh? Think about it!
Since this is a new theory, I couldn’t find a graph indicating it’s absolute trueness in a visually impacting way. So I’ve created my own graph to help you understand:
Theory #2 is pretty much the exact same damned theory, but with two different variables. These variables? ‘Cause buttons’ and ‘level of hippiness/left-wingedness’. I’m sure at this point, you’re all ‘WTF?’. Let me explain.
First, my operational definition of ’cause buttons’ in illustrative form:
Yep. Just call me Crazy Smart Mathematician Talea. Or ‘Observer of Obvious Things That Nobody’s Ever Bothered Wasted Time Writing Down’. OOTTNEBWTWD for short. That’s me. Wasting time so you can easily identify hippies and sluts. You can thank me later.