I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

Dear Southerners: To all of my blog buddies who live south of me in the old US of A, please stop posting pictures of your pretty daffodils, crocuses, hyacinths or cherry tree blossoms. I hate you for this. I still have some snowbanks kicking around. And the ones that have melted haven’t revealed any pretty flowers, they’ve just revealed several months worth of garbage and cigarette butts that have been nicely covered up until now. Your flower pictures offend and anger me, but mostly make me insanely jealous and sort of sad.

Dear Smokers: Speaking of cigarette butts….why is it okay for you to chuck them on the ground when you are done with your smoke? I don’t throw my coffee cup on the ground when I’m finished with it. I don’t just chuck my half-eaten donut on the ground (well…if there WAS such a thing as a ‘half’- eaten donut in my presence). Why do you get to throw your CARCINOGENIC, WATER-POLLUTING CANCER STICK on the ground after you’ve already polluted my lungs and air with your disgusting habit, you nicotine addicted monkey? Geez!! Fuck you. Carry something around to put that thing in and then put it in a garbage can. Do you have any idea what those thing DO to our environment?? Why is it not considered littering?

Dear Toaster-Manufacturing Industry: Why is it that you can’t create a product that doesn’t take an eternity to simply heat my bread into a warm, crusty state? Please address this issue. Of particular aggravation to me is those big industrial toasters they have in food courts. Where they put the bread on this moving metal tray and it SLOOOOOOWLY goes through a ‘toasting area’.

Then the worker always has to re-toast it, cuz your machine sucks so bad. It takes me approximately 17 minutes to get some damned toast. Shit. We can put people on the fucking moon, build skyscrapers and mini-computers but you guys can’t figure out how to make some toast in a reasonable amount of time? You’re all fired.

Dear Union Workers: Fuck you. That is all.

Dear Union Workers: I’ve decided you get a second letter. Fuck you and all that, but also, please take your heads out of your asses. So then I can punch your face and kick your bum. You are whiny babies. You are already overpaid. You have too much red tape backing you up, so you know you won’t get fired and are therefore rude, slow and cantankerous in your jobs, and only make the problem worse. Why do you go on strike and paralyze the community over $1 on your prescription plan? You’re fired too. You can go fill in for the toaster manufacturers. Don’t try and form a union. You’ll get canned again.

Dear Ben & Jerry: I love you. Why don’t you make bigger containers? My love for you would grow just like the container would at that point. And my hips, but whatevs, everyone’s fat nowadays, I’ll just blend in.

Dear Mom: So I’ve thought about the whole visiting you at the airport in a few weeks thing. I’m not feeling it. I think I’ll pass. You probably won’t understand and frankly, I probably won’t care.

Dear Knitted Sock Pattern Writers: Thank you. I have discovered that I adore knitting up socks for my feet. Your patterns are super fun to read and super fun to put together. You provide me with endless hours of amusement on the subway each week and a sense of pride for every row I finish. You’re pretty cool…..for knitters.

Dear Laura from the hair place: Thank you for cutting my hair last weekend. I’m super adorable now and I love the bangs. You rock and I liked the pictures of your dogs at your station.

Dear Inventor of Conference Calls: Please die. I’m sure you’re already dead, but I kind of hope it was painful and all. Dude, you fucking make my life miserable. I shake my fist at thee. *Shakes fist*

Dear Pillow Makers: You’re up there on my shit list with the toaster manufacturers. Why does your product suck so damned much? In my 25 years on this earth, every pillow I’ve ever had has sucked for one reason or another. I blame you for my chronic neck pain, assholes.

Dear World: Your last week of shennanigans has NOT been appreciated. Seriously, if you pull that shit again, I’m going to raise a lot of hell. At the very least, can I get some warning next time? That’s not so much to ask, is it??

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Comments on: "Dear Everybody: I am on my soapbox." (27)

  1. Your FIRED! Ha! Ha! Ha! Awesome list 🙂

    Haha, you’re all canned! Thanks.

  2. This is the FUNNIEST list ever! In the words of Andrea Barclay, outrageous!

    Thomas 🙂

    Or, again in her words, hi-lay!

  3. […] Dear Everybody: I am on my soapbox. […]

  4. Love your list….:)I’m thoroughly inspired now!

    Inspired? To do what? Go vent on some people? Cuz that’d be funny and I’d love to take credit for it.

  5. THIS IS GREAT. Totally outrageous. I love them all, but the first one just resonates with me because I’m fucking jealous of all the beauty and I don’t want to see it anymore. It made me laugh out loud.

    But don’t you live in California? You’re the people I hate! How can you be jealous?
    I is confused.

  6. Harvey L. Slatin said:

    The army had a must way of disposing of cigareette butts that did not leave offesive debris arond and was environmentally self destructive. After smoking the coffin nail down to the nub, you squezed the end to send the lit end to the ground where it burned up to an ash. Then you G.I.’d the remainder by rolling it between your fingerrs until it was a fragmented dust. The procedure kept the grounds clean. Smokers : take notice.

    I get pissed off by the unnessary and ineffective use of cuss words in print. Bug off you x@&*# !!

    Ah, so you get pissed with unnecessary cussing? Well shit man, my bad. I’m really fucking sorry if I pissed you right the fuck off. Damn, I HATE when people think I’m an asshole. Shit fuck damn. Sorry, that just popped out.

    Dude, are you for real??

  7. (Comment #6): How the hell did my dad comment on this???

    Thomas :S

    If that is your dad, I’m guessing he’s a retired drill saergant or something. Sheesh.

  8. Cigarette butts are litter! Smoker’s are some of the rudest fuckers in the world! I hate people that paint with a broad brush, but when it comes to smokers, I make an exception.

    What’s with all the cussing and then you say “…kick your bum…”. You’re funny. 😛 Get your cuss on girl. Don’t wuss out half way. 😉

    You’ve inspired me to start ranting, but as soon as I started, my wife kicked my bum. Dang it. 😐

    I know! And they stand just outside of the doorways so you have to walk through their toxic cloud of disgustingness to get inside. They all look like monkeys to me.
    I also truly hate it when they get into an elevator after their ‘smoke break’ (where’s my non-smoke break???) and stink up the WHOLE FRIGGIN’ ELEVATOR! Assholes.
    That’s too bad about your wife kicking your arse and all. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to destroy any relationships.
    Bum is the best word ever. Bum bum bum.

  9. I liked that rant! I really missed your posts, it was funny, but you made perfect sense. Every pillow I’ve ever tried was garbage, and don’t get me started on the Union Workers!

    Oh, Irina. You sound surprised that I was shockingly funny and yet so dead-on with my points. You’re new to my blog. You’ll learn. I’m always right and mostly funny. Hehehe.

  10. “Fists shake”, really funny, Talea. We should address all the shit (and kick ass) lists in our lives more often. Big hug 4 u!

    Dude, huggers are also on my shit list. Ask around. I’m an anti-hug kind of girl. But I do appreciate the sentiment!! 😛

  11. I. Hate. Toasters. I have bought no less than three in the past year and the damn things DON’T WORK. One burns the frickin’ bread, the other only toasts one side, and the last one just plain doesn’t work. What the fuck? Seriously, in this day and age you’d think SOMEONE could figure out how to make one work!

    I’m going to take them all down to the toaster-making-facility and smash them against the wall. Dammit.

    I’d pay to see that. How much fun!!
    Dude, I had a toaster throughout uni that I despised. When you pushed the little handle down, it DIDN’T stay. I had to stand there and hold it to get my bread toasted. Then, since I was holding it, it couldn’t pop up on its own, so it would make this godawful screech to let me know it was done.
    It’s a toaster! How hard can it BE?!

  12. “Shakes fist”… super funny! Yeah, we need more angry rants, damn it!

    Honestly, I could post angry rants every day until the end of time. But I don’t, cuz I figure people will get sick of them and stop reading. And then I would cry.

  13. Talea – (Comment #6) Sorry about that. My dad is 96 years old!!!

    Really.

    Don’t ask.

    Thomas 🙂

    Not asking…

  14. Dear Talea: I hate anyone that would throw away a half-eaten donut, and if it were socially acceptable, I would feast on their discarded scraps.

    That is all.

    I would support that. And if it was a Boson Cream or a Sour Cream Glazed, I may have to shove you out of the way.

  15. GOOD for you and your mom letter. 😀

    Toast pisses me off and I usually avoid it for that reason.

    This was a GREAT post…and I have to agree with Romi on the donut thing.

    If you’re interested, I tagged you for a meme.

    Dammit, now I want a donut reallll bad!

  16. I loved this post but the toaster thing really got to me. Toasters are the worst appliances ever. I blogged about it last year. Why the fuck can we go to the moon but nobody on earth can make a decent toaster? I’m with Lucky on this, I’ve stopped eating toast. Toaster companies can suck it.

    Maybe I should boycott toast too, it seems like a bandwagon I’m interested in.
    I just really don’t get it. I mean, my dog is fucking microchipped, but I can’t have toast? Baffling. Truly.

  17. And by suck it I mean some sort of metaphorical dick.

    @ Harvey L. Slatin – Words are only offensive if the person hearing them perceives them as offensive. You’d probably feel better if you’d stop perceiving the fuck-word as offensive. Turn that shit around, man. Make it work for you.

    I think fuck is my favourite word. It’s so useful. Verb, noun, adjective, happy, sad, funny…..perfect.

  18. Emerald said:

    um…i like my toaster? and it was free?

    and now, a musical interlude.

    shiiiiiitfuckdamn, shitfuckdamn, shitfuckdamn. fuuuuuucketyfuckfuckfuckfuckwhore. with a fuckstick here and shitstain there, fuckety fuck fuck fuckety fuck fuck alllll through the…um, shit.

    that was like a massacred version of about eight different childrens songs with all the nouns replaced by either shit fuck or damn. i didn’t do very well, but the intent was there.

    LMAO! Fuck Emerald! Now you ruined my ‘Rated G’ blog!!!
    I love it!!! All through the……um, shit. Awesome.

  19. I totally fucking knew what you were fucking singing Em! Great fucking job! 😀

    Ahhh, love it.

  20. This post was fuckin hilarious! Thanks talea for dissing all the shit that needed dissing! And then some!

    Two items you should diss in the near future:

    cell phones

    the universe

    And you should try sleeping with NO pillow for a week or two. It might help your neck and maybe you wouldn’t look so angry?

    BTW, do you also say “fuck you” to the members of the International Union of Ass Kickers? They’re doing a HELL of a job you know!

    Cell phones don’t piss me off, but Blackberries sure as hell do. Mayhaps a post about that in the future.
    And no, I would never say that to such a fantastic union. It is my only exception.

  21. I just finished reading your post about doctors on the October 2007 post! You took the words right out of my mouth with that. Especially when you talked about them moving you to ANOTHER waiting room! I. Hate. That. I’m not shocked that you are funny and insightful, of course not! You are my hero!

    Finally, I am someone’s hero. About time.
    ;P Thanks Irina.

  22. No hugs for Talea, then. 😉

    Just huggy sentiments please.

  23. I like to throw my butts on the ground at wildlife refuges and environmentally sensitive designated areas just to piss off the haters.

    Come on, it’s just cotton and paper with some tobacco residue. All organic materials that will biodegrade into nothing within a few years. In the meantime, who cares if you have to see it. It’s better than having it thumped in your angry-looking face.

    Dude. If you seriously believe that cigarettes consist of only cotton, paper and tobacco, you’re in for a hell of a shock in a few years when you get lung cancer.
    And I’m not sure one can thump a cig butt. Maybe flick.
    And by the way, good for you for being so worked up and ass-monkeyish about a post written by someone who means absolutely nothing to you.
    Good luck with the cancer/emphyzema. I hear they’re even coming out with some evidence to support that link soon too!

  24. Sigh, I so wish I could think up something clever but I’m just not feeling as smart/funny/songful/commiserating as your regular awesome commentors. Just saying hello, I apologize for my daffodils, and hope you get more donuts and Ben&Jerry and cig-butt-free zones in the future. I giggled all the way thru this rant and the comments and the stepped on crocus in the banner…

    Awww, don’t worry hun. I know how it is to not feel it. I’m glad I could provide a couple of giggles in the meantime.

  25. So what’s in a butt that wont biodegrade?

    I always love it when people think their hate-filled rants are funny but anyone with a rejoinder is “ass-monkeyish” who deserves to die a horrible death by Congestive Obstructive Pulmonary Disorders.

    Thank you for the well wishes regarding my impending doom. You might want to discuss with your shrink — you do have a shrink, don’t you — into why you hate so much. I think it might be more than just an angry looking face.

    My apologies for stopping by, someone had you linked as a worthwhile read and I fell for it. I am always looking for good stuff to read. I figure since I took the time to come over here and read your stuff, you could take the time to hear what I think of it.

    Oh, btw, I don’t care for Ben & Jerry’s either. Blue Bell kick’s their ass hands-down. You can take pleasure though as I will probably die a horrible death from some fat-related disorder even before the cigarettes finally do me in.

  26. Dont look at the ocean pictures I posted on my blog from my sunny vacation. I know, you hate me. But I looooves you!
    Your list was fantastic. Even the Mom one.

  27. lockedin said:

    Dude whaaaa, What the fuck? Why you here? This is a no-crying zone, and your whinin’ is ruinin my meal.

    Do ya really think what she said IS GONNA HAPPEN?! Do ya?! And if it does, do ya really think we the fortunate strangers of yours….even care??? do ya? Well, FUCK NO ! Did ya REALLY need to be told that? : Whatsup? Your shrink off – (you of course do have one – don’t ya!?)

    Nobody was sending you bloody well wishes dumb fuck! And your peter-lickin’ sarcasim is way limp – DICK~! So go die any way, cos noone cares! Do ya!?

    What’s in a butt that won’t biodegrade? Ducks in a pond chocking to death, fish, squirrels, rodents, all looking for food, birds building nicotine nests, how many really suffer from one of your stinky-ass butts? More than your sorry ass is worth sufferin for! Ya Whaaaaaaa!

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