– Dear Southerners: To all of my blog buddies who live south of me in the old US of A, please stop posting pictures of your pretty daffodils, crocuses, hyacinths or cherry tree blossoms. I hate you for this. I still have some snowbanks kicking around. And the ones that have melted haven’t revealed any pretty flowers, they’ve just revealed several months worth of garbage and cigarette butts that have been nicely covered up until now. Your flower pictures offend and anger me, but mostly make me insanely jealous and sort of sad.
– Dear Smokers: Speaking of cigarette butts….why is it okay for you to chuck them on the ground when you are done with your smoke? I don’t throw my coffee cup on the ground when I’m finished with it. I don’t just chuck my half-eaten donut on the ground (well…if there WAS such a thing as a ‘half’- eaten donut in my presence). Why do you get to throw your CARCINOGENIC, WATER-POLLUTING CANCER STICK on the ground after you’ve already polluted my lungs and air with your disgusting habit, you nicotine addicted monkey? Geez!! Fuck you. Carry something around to put that thing in and then put it in a garbage can. Do you have any idea what those thing DO to our environment?? Why is it not considered littering?
– Dear Toaster-Manufacturing Industry: Why is it that you can’t create a product that doesn’t take an eternity to simply heat my bread into a warm, crusty state? Please address this issue. Of particular aggravation to me is those big industrial toasters they have in food courts. Where they put the bread on this moving metal tray and it SLOOOOOOWLY goes through a ‘toasting area’.
Then the worker always has to re-toast it, cuz your machine sucks so bad. It takes me approximately 17 minutes to get some damned toast. Shit. We can put people on the fucking moon, build skyscrapers and mini-computers but you guys can’t figure out how to make some toast in a reasonable amount of time? You’re all fired.
– Dear Union Workers: Fuck you. That is all.
– Dear Union Workers: I’ve decided you get a second letter. Fuck you and all that, but also, please take your heads out of your asses. So then I can punch your face and kick your bum. You are whiny babies. You are already overpaid. You have too much red tape backing you up, so you know you won’t get fired and are therefore rude, slow and cantankerous in your jobs, and only make the problem worse. Why do you go on strike and paralyze the community over $1 on your prescription plan? You’re fired too. You can go fill in for the toaster manufacturers. Don’t try and form a union. You’ll get canned again.
– Dear Ben & Jerry: I love you. Why don’t you make bigger containers? My love for you would grow just like the container would at that point. And my hips, but whatevs, everyone’s fat nowadays, I’ll just blend in.
– Dear Mom: So I’ve thought about the whole visiting you at the airport in a few weeks thing. I’m not feeling it. I think I’ll pass. You probably won’t understand and frankly, I probably won’t care.
– Dear Knitted Sock Pattern Writers: Thank you. I have discovered that I adore knitting up socks for my feet. Your patterns are super fun to read and super fun to put together. You provide me with endless hours of amusement on the subway each week and a sense of pride for every row I finish. You’re pretty cool…..for knitters.
– Dear Laura from the hair place: Thank you for cutting my hair last weekend. I’m super adorable now and I love the bangs. You rock and I liked the pictures of your dogs at your station.
– Dear Inventor of Conference Calls: Please die. I’m sure you’re already dead, but I kind of hope it was painful and all. Dude, you fucking make my life miserable. I shake my fist at thee. *Shakes fist*
– Dear Pillow Makers: You’re up there on my shit list with the toaster manufacturers. Why does your product suck so damned much? In my 25 years on this earth, every pillow I’ve ever had has sucked for one reason or another. I blame you for my chronic neck pain, assholes.
– Dear World: Your last week of shennanigans has NOT been appreciated. Seriously, if you pull that shit again, I’m going to raise a lot of hell. At the very least, can I get some warning next time? That’s not so much to ask, is it??