I love them. They only come around a few times a year.
I used to hide my love for them. But I coveted them, everything about them. Sure, they’re bred from the dreams of small town hicks, but I am all over this shit.
The cheese, the corniness, the scripted ‘humour’, the stilted movements, the big hair, the vaseline-covered teeth, the double sided body tape, the blank stares. The southern drawls regardless of living in the south or not, the ubiquitous love of puppies and hopes of world peace.
Obviously I am talking about beauty paegants.
I love that these still happen. Why? Cuz they’re SO BAD. I crack up over the fact that we as a society still think that this is worth prime time slots on television. It isn’t. Of course, I watch it.
First off, these girls are not good looking. Some of them look like they rode the short bus and most of them probably can’t count to 20. These girls have been raised by their overweight, stained-shirt wearing mama’s who think that the epitome of class is blue eyeshadow. These girls grew up sleeping with curlers in their hair and owing SEVERAL Bedazzlers. Sequins, feathers, rhinestones and sparkles were the norm for these poor children. Cowboy boots? Check. Unusually shiny dresses? Check. Hidden doses of X-lax, slipped into the other girls’ water bottles? Check.
We’ve all seen the documentaries/showcases on these children’s paegants. It’s no wonder to anybody that they lead to the Miss USA or Miss America extravaganza.
The bad music/musak, heavy with saxophones, synthesizers and beats. The shockingly white teeth, the big big big hair. The pounds of makeup. The dull lifeless eyes, the bouncy steps, the classic ‘hand on one hip trying to be sassy and cute in the same way’ pose. The heartwarming 30 second videos into their lives back home where they help fix sparrow’s broken wings, stop traffic for old ladies who can’t make it across the street in time, but still play touch football on the weekends in cute, cut-off tops.
What world are these girls FROM??? Obviously as a kid, I wanted to be up there. I wanted to strut around and have people clap for me. Now I feel sorry for these girls. One, they’re delusional. They are uglier than a regular ‘good looking’ girl on the street. But they were put into paegants at such a young age that nobody knew how they’d turn out visually, but now that it’s too late, it’s all they know and they stick to it with the assistance of hairspray and pounds of makeup. Spackle, really.
It’s sort of like watching a livestock auction. Line ’em up, walk ’em around. Turn, turn, inspect, poke, inquire as to the breeding (which isn’t politically correct for humans, so instead we ask them questions in the last round). They have that same look in their eyes as cows do when you stare at them. Kind of ‘uhhhhhh’.
Can we get to the question round? These girls are better than politicians at screwing up these answers. I mean, not better than George Dubya but I think they trump everyone else with their brilliance and directness in giving us answers. Right. Let’s all think back to last year, where that girl made that thrilling speech regarding geography, Iraq and poor kids not having globes or some such nonsense. I’m too lazy to find the link, but feel free to post it in the comments section. IT WAS FUCKING PRICELESS.
Right along with the girls, I love me my paegant hosts. Ohhhhh yes. I’m watching Miss USA right now, being hosted by everyones favourite Mormons, Donny and Marie. Marie’s looking a bit thick and I think Donny’s forehead is threatening to take over his face and his shitastic imitations of Elvis are kind of causing me to throw up in my mouth a little bit. But I love them. They really try. They take scripted lines and deliver them in timely fashions, punctuating them with the worst canned laughter they can muster.
And who can forget the judges? Washed up celebs who were only C-list achievers to begin with. They always make you go ‘Oh yeah! I remember them! They’re still around?? Huh!’ They’re so proud of themselves and their resurrection on TV. Granted, we see them for about 43 seconds but they’re still great. Good for them, swallowing their pride and grasping whatever straws come their way.
And what’s the point? Nobody remembers these girls and there’s nothing for them afterwards. Except maybe being one of Bob Barker’s Beauties on the Price is Right. But wait! Bob Barker has retired and nobody wants to be Drew Carey’s Beauty.
Dudes, I could go on forever about why I love these spectacles, but like I said, they’re elusive and rare. And since one of the best is on tonight, right now, I have to go and get my guilty pleasure on.
Bring on the beauties!! It’s been a long week and I’m ready to tear them apart! I LOVE this stuff!!!