I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

I love them. They only come around a few times a year.

I used to hide my love for them. But I coveted them, everything about them. Sure, they’re bred from the dreams of small town hicks, but I am all over this shit.

The cheese, the corniness, the scripted ‘humour’, the stilted movements, the big hair, the vaseline-covered teeth, the double sided body tape, the blank stares. The southern drawls regardless of living in the south or not, the ubiquitous love of puppies and hopes of world peace.

Obviously I am talking about beauty paegants.

I love that these still happen. Why? Cuz they’re SO BAD. I crack up over the fact that we as a society still think that this is worth prime time slots on television. It isn’t. Of course, I watch it.

First off, these girls are not good looking. Some of them look like they rode the short bus and most of them probably can’t count to 20. These girls have been raised by their overweight, stained-shirt wearing mama’s who think that the epitome of class is blue eyeshadow. These girls grew up sleeping with curlers in their hair and owing SEVERAL Bedazzlers. Sequins, feathers, rhinestones and sparkles were the norm for these poor children. Cowboy boots? Check. Unusually shiny dresses? Check. Hidden doses of X-lax, slipped into the other girls’ water bottles? Check.

We’ve all seen the documentaries/showcases on these children’s paegants. It’s no wonder to anybody that they lead to the Miss USA or Miss America extravaganza.

The bad music/musak, heavy with saxophones, synthesizers and beats. The shockingly white teeth, the big big big hair. The pounds of makeup. The dull lifeless eyes, the bouncy steps, the classic ‘hand on one hip trying to be sassy and cute in the same way’ pose. The heartwarming 30 second videos into their lives back home where they help fix sparrow’s broken wings, stop traffic for old ladies who can’t make it across the street in time, but still play touch football on the weekends in cute, cut-off tops.

MY GOD.

What world are these girls FROM??? Obviously as a kid, I wanted to be up there. I wanted to strut around and have people clap for me. Now I feel sorry for these girls. One, they’re delusional. They are uglier than a regular ‘good looking’ girl on the street. But they were put into paegants at such a young age that nobody knew how they’d turn out visually, but now that it’s too late, it’s all they know and they stick to it with the assistance of hairspray and pounds of makeup. Spackle, really.

It’s sort of like watching a livestock auction. Line ’em up, walk ’em around. Turn, turn, inspect, poke, inquire as to the breeding (which isn’t politically correct for humans, so instead we ask them questions in the last round). They have that same look in their eyes as cows do when you stare at them. Kind of ‘uhhhhhh’.

Can we get to the question round? These girls are better than politicians at screwing up these answers. I mean, not better than George Dubya but I think they trump everyone else with their brilliance and directness in giving us answers. Right. Let’s all think back to last year, where that girl made that thrilling speech regarding geography, Iraq and poor kids not having globes or some such nonsense. I’m too lazy to find the link, but feel free to post it in the comments section. IT WAS FUCKING PRICELESS.

Right along with the girls, I love me my paegant hosts. Ohhhhh yes. I’m watching Miss USA right now, being hosted by everyones favourite Mormons, Donny and Marie. Marie’s looking a bit thick and I think Donny’s forehead is threatening to take over his face and his shitastic imitations of Elvis are kind of causing me to throw up in my mouth a little bit. But I love them. They really try. They take scripted lines and deliver them in timely fashions, punctuating them with the worst canned laughter they can muster.

And who can forget the judges? Washed up celebs who were only C-list achievers to begin with. They always make you go ‘Oh yeah! I remember them! They’re still around?? Huh!’ They’re so proud of themselves and their resurrection on TV. Granted, we see them for about 43 seconds but they’re still great. Good for them, swallowing their pride and grasping whatever straws come their way.

And what’s the point? Nobody remembers these girls and there’s nothing for them afterwards. Except maybe being one of Bob Barker’s Beauties on the Price is Right. But wait! Bob Barker has retired and nobody wants to be Drew Carey’s Beauty.

Dudes, I could go on forever about why I love these spectacles, but like I said, they’re elusive and rare. And since one of the best is on tonight, right now, I have to go and get my guilty pleasure on.

Bring on the beauties!! It’s been a long week and I’m ready to tear them apart! I LOVE this stuff!!!

Advertisements

Comments on: "My taste in bad TV knows no limits" (16)

  1. NIce post and blog you have here 🙂

    Thanks Kaylee. I’ve seen you around on our mutual blog friends comment sections. I’ve read your blog a few times too!

  2. I would SO love to pull a Sandra Bullock (Miss Congeniality) and crash one of those lack-o’- beauty pageants. I can see it now – even after I fumble, mumble, stumble, crack jokes and pretty much make an ass of myself, I am crowned Miss Blahblahblah because the judges just love a REAL person. Ahahahahahahaaaaa!

    I love Miss Congeniality! Where she hides donuts in her bras and convinces the other girls to drink and eat pizza? My kind of girlie movie!!

  3. I also LOVE these, I had no idea you did too! I smell a drunken pageant watching night!

    Miss USA kicked ass this year, mostly because of the ‘Reality Check’ show TLC did in the weeks leading up to it. KILLED ME. Miss Utah was so great, she had the huge typical blonde pageant hair, and when she got her makeover they cut to her chin and make it smooth and sleek – she looked great. But before her ‘after’ photo could be taken, she found some hairspray and a brush and teased the shit out of her new do till it looked like a short version of her old one. She was so programmed she couldn’t even hold it together for photos. Crazy.

    Maps!!! This link has subtitles so you can follow the incoherant shit she’s talking – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WALIARHHLII&feature=related

    Yes May, yes! I watched that like, 5 times in a row. I made the boyfriend mute the TV so we could laugh at her together. It was a special moment.
    And I LOVED Miss Utah! You described it perfectly too, it was the world’s most rocking haircut and she went and teased it all up. Le sigh. Paegant girls….they’ll never learn.

  4. Who do these shows actually target??? I’m a heterosexual male, been around since 1971, and I don’t think I’ve ever watched an entire pageant. I may have paused for a moment while channel surfing, but then I was off again.

    I honestly think these shows target little girls and washed up, wannabe moms with bad perms/lady mullets.
    These girls aren’t appealing to any guy I’ve ever known. I mean, I watch them, but totally for the ‘point and laugh’ factor.

  5. lumpylumps said:

    Oh Lawdy, I never saw that clip above – are you kidding me? I usually don’t watch the pageant’s anymore but I’m going to have to give it another look seeing as it can be so entertaining. NICE Talea!

    Thanks! You’ve gotta watch them with the understanding that they’re total fluff. They really make me feel good about myself. Ha. Hahaha. I crack myself up.

  6. Personally I think pageants are kind of creepy. Well, after the JonBenet thing. Especially the little girl pageants. It’s just weird to watch these trailer-trash mothers cake make-up on their kid’s face, put them in a frilly thing and have them sing, “God Bless America”. I actually pity these woman because to me it’s just humiliating! Who would want people judging you on your looks?

    I saw a pre-view of the Miss America pageant and I almost pissed myself laughing at the blonde who was like, “I would want education for all of the kids in Iraq… and such”. Yeah sure. Pageants are entertaining in the same why America’s Next Top Model is. They take something to stupid and make it sound serious! I haven’t been to any pageants in Quebec.

    Entertaining in the same way as ANTM? Well, coincidentally enough, I am also incredibly addicted to that particular one hour a week.
    Ahem. Hehehe.

  7. “who think that the epitome of class is blue eyeshadow”

    you mean its not???

    Oh new friend of mine, I’m so sorry to burst your bubble! Keep reading here, you’ll learn lots of fun tips like that! Soon you’ll be popular and witty like me!

  8. Ahhh… I haven’t seen me a good beauty-pageant in ages…do they still have talent-competitions in those things? Like doves out of top hats, old-school tap dancing? Shit like that??…

    And the tap dancing usually involves top hats too!
    There was no talent in this pageant, but the last one I watched had some. It was niiiiiice.

  9. By the way, I saw this one episode of Dr.Phil about pageant-crazed mothers. It was the most pathetic thing aired on television!

  10. You know there talea, I’ve seen a picture or two of you on Romi’s blog, and, well, I hate to say this, but you look like you could win a beauty pageant too girl! As long as they didn’t ask you to like give your opinions on anything.

    And regarding Donny O … everything he’s ever done makes me have mini-throw ups too. And the rest of his frikkin Martian Lawrence Welk family too! YYUuURPP. Oops there I go again!

    Haha, as long as I keep my mouth shut I’m not too repulsive! Thanks David. 🙂
    Oh, Donny….seriously, I was watching his forehead expand and take over his face! It was incredible!

  11. Yeah I confess, I have been following that show ever since Dani one. I don’t know how many cycles ago. My favorites on this cycle are, Lauren, Anya, and Fatima. Also maybe Katargina or whatever. I was kind of insulted when that model judge said, “Wow! With that hair all of the East-European tackiness os gone!”. After Katar…. cut her hair. Excuse moi?!

  12. I love bad TV, and I’ll watch a pageant with beers for sure. I love the Miss Teen pageant because they say ridiculous stuff. You have to really be a weird brand of girl to sign up for one of those things. It has to be in your DNA.

  13. hahahaa! Bedazzlers.

  14. DO I have to wait a whole week to read more of your stuff?

  15. omg…I *never* would have pegged you as a pageant watcher. OH you crack me up! 😉

    I LOVE the crazy ass look on AC Slater’s face after Miss-South-Such-As-Carolina “answers” the question.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: