I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

I distinctly remember the moment when I realized that life’s a bitch.

I was working at a flower farm. We grew flowers. It was pretty sweet, as far as jobs go. I could get covered in dirt and play with flowers and be out in the country. The bad part about it was that it was a husband/wife team who were in the midst of becoming not-husband/not-wife. Which was tough, to say the least. They lived on the farm and worked on the farm, so they never got away from each other and we also shared their house with them for the day to use the washroom, kitchen, grab a coffee. We were in the midst of their relationship meltdown. I was in the midst of my own meltdowns at the time too. And that summer, it seemed like every time I turned around, something else went wrong.

I had been the target of one of my boss’s freakout earlier that morning and was not in the mood. The other boss came out to the field that I had isolated myself in, trying to hide in the 7 foot tall sunflowers, but he still found me.

And he asked me what was up and I lost it. I was bawling and screaming and my arms were flailing like I was a frenchie. After I cried myself out in a very dignified, dirt covered way, I had a moment of clarity.

I looked around the field, the beautiful views, the gorgeous sun, the cloudless skies, the hummingbirds and butterflies that were always hovering around. I focused on the ground, the green plants, the smell of the dirt, the sounds of the birds far away. It was a perfect scene.

I turned to my boss and stated oh-so-eloquently, “This is life, isn’t it Paul? Life is a fucking bitch. I thought I was just going through a rough patch, but this is the new norm. It’s always going to be full of shit.”

He looked at me, narrowed his eyes a bit and just nodded.

An epiphany. A depressing, godawful, death-of-innocence epiphany. I’ve held that memory in my mind, crystal-clear since that day. I was 21.

Today my friends? Oh fuck. Today I was planning on writing a cute, short little confessional piece, admitting that the reason I haven’t posted often is that whenever I log in I get lost in knitting blogs. I am a woman obsessed. I can’t stop reading them. I read them so much that I forget to knit lately.

But my cute little knitting post is getting the boot. Today is a holy-fuck-I’m-glad-that’s-over post.

I woke up with the worst hair ever. I know, but it sucks, still. Then as I was about to get off the subway, after it’s 10 minute delay at Sheppard station, I realize that the hem on my pants has come undone. One pant leg is now a good inch longer than the other.

So I took my uneven pants and bad, standing in all directions hair and I went to work.

WHERE ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.

I have vowed not to talk about work any longer on this blog, cuz I gots me a big ol’ promotion and don’t want a stupid blog post to jeopardize that.

Let’s say that a service went down and I had 60 fuming customers on my hands. I had vendors who couldn’t get their story straight. I had three possible suspects, all equally deserving of my accusations, who were not pleased with my screaming at them. My job requires me to be a bitch sometimes, and a punching bag other times. I was both today, but mostly I was a punching bag. A punching bag pleading for humanity with people who had NO INTENTION of giving me any slack.

I could do nothing but sit there and take it. I was yelled at for 3 and a half hours.

I was threatened, I was glared at, I was sighed at, I was threatened some more, I had people stand inches away from my face uttering not so nice things. And I could do NOTH-ING. It wasn’t my fault. But it was my problem. All my calls went unheeded, all my avenues were exhausted, all my help had been deployed, and I was left with my own fantastic, dazzling personality to defend myself with.

Well.

We can all figure out how THAT went.

As I was sitting there, putting out fires, I thought back to the 21 year old me standing in a field.

Life’s a bitch sometimes and there ain’t nothing you can do about it.

Instead of screaming back at them, I narrowed my eyes a bit and just nodded.

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Comments on: "It wasn’t my fault, but it was sure as hell my problem. Dammit." (10)

  1. I hate that. Good rant…sounds like you needed it!

    Did I ever! The boyfriend kept trying to talk to me while I typed this and I was all, ‘Quiet! I’m doing serious self-therapy here!’

  2. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I’m sorry to hear times were a suckin’ for you. I hope all is better now, or at least some is better. ๐Ÿ˜•

    Your flower job sounded kinda cool. Dirt, bugs, birds and flowers. Nice. Bosses at each other’s throats, not so good.

    When it’s good it’s good, but when it sucks, it really sucks. The good news, it only sucks in the moment, and looking back usually reveals that it really didn’t suck so much after all.

    Go play in the dirt. ๐Ÿ™‚ That could help.

    I walked barefoot in the grass today for the first time this year! That was pleasant!
    Looking back? Still sucks, though you’re right…..not as much.

  3. Jeez, I’m sorry but nobody should ever talk to you that way. That’s b.s. Couldn’t they give you a break considering there are times in life when you have no control over a situation? Point ‘um out and I’ll give the bastids the smack down girl! I’m sorry you had a bad day – the good news is, you are loved, by many! So, perk up little chick-a-dee ๐Ÿ™‚

    Awww, what a lovely thing to say!
    Dude, some people were so made they were NOT listening to reason. It sucked greatly.

  4. welcome to the other side. someday soon the whining, screaming children who think its the end of the world when something goes wrong will wisen up like you have, and find themselves narrowing their eyes and nodding slightly to the next generation of solution-seekers demanding immediate gratification. this makes you a grown up. there are many downsides, but the upsides include access to alcohol, R rated movies, and a lot of inside jokes and pop culture references that you wouldn’t have gotten years ago.

    Where would I be without alcohol? Well, probably about 15 pounds lighter, but way more uptight!!

  5. I just remember back in grade school, I can’t remember what grade, I just sat on a bench and stared at the ground. I was just thinking, “Why is everyone so stupid?”. The most sad part is , I still haven’t found the answer. After I realized that, the little things stuck out more. Like slow-walkers, people who bring their babies to movies, the same commercial repeating itself…

    I don’t know what is wrong with me, I guess that’s why I spend so much time at home.

    There is no answer. My motto for that is: “Don’t Question, Just Accept” If you try to find answers for unanswerable questions, you’ll just go nucking futs.
    I HATE SLOW WALKERS!! I want to kick them in the back of the knees. Then step on them as I get past.
    I’m a loner, cuz there’s fewer things in my house that will annoy me than there are outside.

  6. Congrats on the promotion!!

    I was thinking the same thing just last night about how life’s a bitch.

    Things can only get better from here. I went to a job interview with a broken pant zip. Clothes are also a bitch.

    Thanks Queenie. You had a broken zipper, I had a ripped hem. Same shit, different hemispheres.
    ๐Ÿ˜›

  7. I cringed for you when you described people uttering the not-no-nice things mere inches away from your face!!! I hope for your sake that their breath was not terrible…well hopefully you don’t have another one of those days ever again, but as your wise self kind of noted, life is pretty much a bitch, pretty much whenever it wants to be….lame.

    I’m not even joking! I turned around and he was RIGHT THERE. I could see his pores. He was in my face, but his breath was completely inoffensive, so that was a blessing in disguise!!

  8. Yeah that’s pretty good advice. I wish I would have known that sooner… then I could have prevented all of those years where I was close to going nucking futs. (Nucking futs! love it!). People say I’m a loner, but if I tell them why then they’ll hate me! Who cares.

    I wish I could video tape people living their lives and doing stupid-ass things. Show them the next day how dumb they looked.

  9. Hahahah I like that post ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. You poor thing! I know this is after the fact, but I hope things are better.

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