I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

Yesterday at work, I was washing my hands in the potty and noticed something glinting off of my gorgeous hair (seriously, go to Emerald’s blog, there’s pics of ME and my cute new ‘do!). I leaned in, cuz I’m super vain and wanted a closer inspection. I thought it was a very light brown/almost blonde hair. Since I have a strange obsession with pulling out hair that isn’t uniform (too dark, too thin, curly, too thick, blonde), I yanked it.

It. Was. Grey.

I clamped it between my thumb and index finger and promptly marched up to Emerald’s desk and held it in front of her black monitor to confirm what I already knew. It. Was. Grey. A grey hair.

That’s it. It’s over. Emerald had some witty line that I unfortunately can’t remember, but I’m sure she’ll put it in the comments.

I’m 25. I have grey hair. It’s over. I thought I would be like, 40 before that happened.

*********************************

My second odd story that I thought only happened to older, overweight or possibly pregnant women begins with our extraordinarly transparent attempt to make up to our clients about what had happened at work this work that inconvenienced them all (see previous post). We made a lovely breakfast for everyone.

This included fresh pineapples for our very pretty fruit platter. I cut the pineapple. I’m not sure if you’re all aware, but pineapple is a meat tenderizer. I was covered in it. I washed my hands and went on about my day. My hands started to get a bit itchy throughout the day, but I didn’t pay attention to it.

Last night, while we were out with the dog, my hand started killing me. It was throbbing and SO itchy. As we were walking, it started to swell up like nobody’s business. I guess my hands had been tenderized by the fucking pineapple. Oh, fuck you pineapple and your tropical goodness!!

By the time we got home, it really felt like my skin was going to burst and whatever’s inside my hand was going to explode out like those new Pizza Pop commercials. Unfortunately, my ring was on my finger.

I tried running cold water over my hand. Didn’t work. I tried icing my finger. Didn’t work. I tried water again. Didn’t work. I tried holding my hand above my head for a while. Didn’t work. I tried jumping up and down and flapping my hands uselessly like an overweight pigeon, in hopes that the ring would fly off. Didn’t work. It HURT.

I resorted to spraying my finger down with Pam. Like, cooking spray Pam. The fucking ring was STILL stuck on my finger as my hand continued to swell like a fat kid at a buffet. I doused my finger with Pam, then froze it, then pulled like there was no fucking tomorrow and finally the thing came off! I smelt like butter and couldn’t feel my finger, but it was off and free to expand as it wanted to.

The only time I’ve heard this happening is to people who break out in hives, fatty mcfats who eat too many fries, and pregnant women who are in their third trimester and falling apart anyways. I felt so old.

Next thing you know, I’ll pee a little when I sneeze.

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Comments on: "I didn’t think I was old enough for this yet…." (10)

  1. LOL, “I’ll pee a little when I sneeze” – oh, and the gray hair, enough to traumatize a gal. I still wanna cry when I see one. I feel for you – my co-worker was hovering my desk at work when she discovered my first gray. I said, “No. I don’t have gray hair.” and she said, “Um, yes you do, I see a few. We argued and then I said, “Ok, well if it’s there pull it out and show me” OUCH! She did and set it on my desk. I sat there in denial. What a bitch, right?!!! *wink* It’s my best friend so it’s ok 😉

  2. Shit, what did I say? Something about this is it, you’re one of them, the 9 to 5ers who something something something, i can’t remember the witty part.

    And yeah, my mother pees when she sneezes. Every time she reminds me that she’s dating a 28 year old, I remind her of that. Because I rule.

  3. LOL. Gosh, what a scary feeling it is knowing you can’t some ring off. One time I slipped on a ring and couldn’t take it off for a week. Then I finally got butter and yanked it like no other. That finger was purple for a while…

    Ohh, anyways, hope your hand got better :X and grey hairs can come up by mistake…your not old. haha

    Loco

  4. It’d probably be good to get a supply of panty liners in before the pee thing strikes…

    And about the grey hairs? Denial is the best method I think. If anyone makes a comment then just go ahead and tell them you got highlights.

  5. Have you given any thought to life insurance. 😛

  6. Ohhh!! If anyone mentions the grey hair say its like one strand for every previous employee that you have “taken care of” if you know what I mean.

    OR! Say that its from the staff you have and as a consequence you are going to dock their pay by $5 so you can dye your hair…

    Forget the panty liners you might need to go straight to Depends… “the thing woman can depend on”

  7. Oh shit girl, it’s too early for grown-up diapers, but I SO FEEL YOUR PAIN ON the glint-effect…I noticed some glints (plural) when I was like 24….what the fuck!?!?!? I think it has to do with living a stressful life or something…whatever, since I saw the first “glints” I realized that I have no interest in letting more glints into my life, so at that point I started dying my hair for fun, and I haven’t stopped since! (people used to say that dying your hair is damaging, but there have actually been great advancements in hair-science, to the point that your hair does not dry out at all….but anyhoo I think all that talk is very premature for you…so enjoy your fleeting youth! LOL… 😉 )

  8. “Oh, fuck you pineapple and your tropical goodness!!”, I think I just pissed a little, so funny (except for the horrible pain, I’m sure). Grey hair, it’s one of nature’s pranks on us. We should prank call Nature to hell, right? “Make my hair start thinning when I was 23 why don’t you? Nature, check out your car…bitch!” That’s right, we trashed Nature’s ride.

  9. Sounds like you had a rough time.

  10. I can only say good thing I am only 16 LOL!

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