I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

So there’s this girl who’s been around a lot lately. All the time, I turn around and she’s there. People are always talking about her and though I try to ignore her, it’s all in vain, as she is apparently unbeatable and ubiquitous.

Her name is Miley Cyrus. Spawn of the infamous Billy Ray Cyrus. We all remember him, don’t we? Now, I’m a girl who loves her country music, but never EVER was Achey Breaky Heart a good song. Who sings about their own heart blowing up in their tragic death??? And that dance that went along with it? I was like, less than 10 when it came out, but I still remember and shudder at it.

Well, somebody slept with Mr. Cyrus and poof, they popped out baby Cyrus. I have no idea if Miley is her real name. Her paternal unit is named Billy Ray, so I guess Miley isn’t totally out there. I find that white trash likes names that end in ‘ey’. Bethany, Destiny, Tiffany, Bailey, Britney, Candi, Bambi, you get the idea. Miley mixes right in there, all comfy-like.

Anyways, who IS this chick? I hear her name everywhere and only yesterday realized that a song on my internet radio was being sung by this girl. I listened to the words. I gasped and cringed. This BABY is a WHORE. She’s fifteen (15!) years old.

She sings like she knows shit, like she can decipher her hormone-controlled emotions and like she’s had time to reflect on things, make sense of them and grow from them already. At the ripe old age of fifteen. She sings about looking into some guys eyes, and then drops her voice into a sultry-esque tone (or rather, the computer she’s pretending to be is programmed to a lower note……there’s no way that’s an actual voice) and proclaims, “I can’t wait to see you again”

When you are fifteen, you should only be saying that with such intensity to your puppy dog. You’ll really miss your puppy when you go over to your friend’s house for a sleepover. She’s 15!!!! What was she doing that requires such a sultry voice? I find it conflicts nicely with her squeaky clean little image. Didn’t she flash her boobies recently? Well, not that she HAS boobs, but you know…..her nipples?

At 15, you should be wearing ill fitting bras, venturing to the mall with your friends and giggling as you go to buy underwear, wearing poorly coordinated makeup, changing your braces colours to match the seasons, cheering on your grade 9 teams and only just starting to venture into the middle of the gym at the school dances……a drastic change from the dances a few years earlier where the two genders ignored each other.

I feel sorry for this girl.

I feel sorry for all child singers/actors. They’re so fucking weird (Dakota Fanning anybody??) but when they talk, you can tell that they actually think they’re adults. They take themselves so seriously. I recently read Miss Cyrus saying that she’s just too darned busy for a relationship! No guy would want to put up with her fame and she doesn’t have time to drag him around with her anyways. What?! You’re not supposed to be in relationships at 15!! Why are you thinking about this? You’re supposed to have experienced spin the bottle, and a couple of awkward makeout sessions on your friends basement couch which were quickly interrupted by their suspecting parents.

Little Miley won’t ever have that. Every move she makes will be tracked. All awkward first dates will be documented. Her trip to the drugstore to buy her first confusing box of pads or tampons will be all over the papers. She’ll be over by 22. She’ll probably be pregnant by 22 too, if she follows in the footsteps of her female pop star predecessors. Her life is a game of pretend and she may not know it.

She pretends to have a female body. She pretends to have life experience. She pretends that she doesn’t have the unavoidable complexion of a 15 year old. She pretends not to be a depressed, confused, angry, up and down teenager. She pretends her life is the ideal.

Imagine what she’s doing to 8 year olds? Especially since she does have this squeaky clean image and parents probably aren’t limiting their children’s exposure to her. These girls grow up thinking zits don’t exist…Miley doesn’t have any (Miley has an army of makeup artists). They see that the only hair you should have is freakishly straight…..no famous singers or pretty girls have curly hair, that’s absurd (Miley has an army of hair stylists). They think clothes have to be perfect, expensive and figure hugging (Miley has several personal shoppers and stylists, no doubt). They should look at boys as things they are trying to impress at all times (Miley sings about how she’ll make it up to the guy for being so shy last time, you know, when she sees him again). They learn that you should always be upbeat and full of energy (ever seen a frowning Miley? ever seen a tired Miley? ever seen a Miley who didn’t see the silver lining?). These girls are being told that they should be someone that isn’t real.

I understand I”m not the first one to make this shocking observation. But for some reason, she really gets to me. It’s her age. 15. She can’t drive, she can’t drink, she can’t buy smokes, she can’t vote….she’s a minor! Why do we glorify this? Why do we sexy this up?

Why does she go along with it? Why is she allowing herself to be a brand? A commodity? A puppet? A robot with no real life save for an overbloated schedule? A marionette singing about things she couldn’t possibly know of or fully understand?

Who’s to blame here? Who’s to laugh at? Is she being used or is she using the people managing her? Who’s coming out on top here? Is she smarter than all of us or can she really not see what she looks like from outside to anybody over the age of 16? Where’s ol’ Billy Ray?

Maybe I’ve proven my own damned point. I’ve given her attention. I’ve driven her google hits. I’ve upped her stock. She’s still rich and doesn’t give a damn about me.

Maybe I’m the idiot, who knows. But at least I’m the idiot who did dumb embarassing 15 year old stuff, along with dumb embarassing 16 and 17 year old stuff. I think I’m the one with the last laugh for that. I don’t buy that whole ‘money can’t buy happiness’……..I think it could make a decent shot at it. However, all the fame and fortune in the world can’t buy you your teenage years back. Or your dignity.

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Comments on: "Poor, poor teen pop princess. You may be rich, but at least I got to be stupid." (16)

  1. whatigotsofar said:

    Miley is Disney’s current tween idol. The last one was Hillary Duff. (Where is she now? Mwa ha ha ha!)
    Disney found a goldmine in Duff and then followed an almost identical formula with Cyrus.

    I had totally forgotten about Hillary Duff! And her awful sister! Wow, how quickly they get wiped from our memories. Feed us more crap, Disney, moooore!

  2. Bravo ranting ninja. 😉 Billy Ray and Disney are pimping that poor girl out something fierce. It’s a damned shame. If something isn’t done soon she will surely go the way of Hillary and Britney, if it’s not too late already. 😐

    Ranting ninja is the greatest nickname ever. She will, they all do. Just she’s been pissingme off lately.

  3. I think the problem with her is, she is TRYING to sexy things up. She is with Disney, and she is supposed to be ‘Montana Hannah’ or whatever. I think she is just rebelling. I’ve seen what those dumb magazines say about her when my nieces leave them about. In my humble opinion, she has created a cult.

    Don’t get me started on that Vanity Fair photo shoot she did with a world-known photographer. She claimed they ‘manipulated’ her. I bet she doesn’t even know how to spell that. The images were digital!! She saw them there on the shoot! She thought they were ‘artsy’ and everyone agreed! She gets on my nerves no matter what she does. I don’t cut her any slack.

    I like your attitude! No slack for you Miley!

  4. Welcome to my world. I have a tween girl who thinks Miley is the shit. 😦

    That’s all I can say… we have contributed to her BILLION dollar business; I’m so ashamed………….

    The perils of parenthood……wanting to make your child happy, but knowing you’re helping douchebags in the process.

  5. While Irina brings up a fab point about the Vanity Fair, I disagree that she is rebelling. I think it’s the next step in what has long been a pre-fab life designed by those with the cash. Hannah Montana was her Disney character, but while she’s certainly not the grown up she seems to think she is, she is starting to get that future boob pudge going on, so she can’t be Hannah Montana anymore. Thusly: Here you go! You’re going to be Miley now! YAAAAY! You get to wear even MORE makeup! However, she is very much going along with it all, and for that, she deserves a kick in the invisible braces.

    And Miley? I spent three years on the other side of that photoshoot camera with my makeup brushes and flatirons. I’ve tarted up 15 year olds, I’m not going to lie. So I know how it generally goes, what with the law and all. You’re a minor – either you or your daddy get to see the images before they go out. If you don’t, daddy’s done something wrong with your contract.

    P.S. I TOTALLY DID THE BRACES THING! GO ME! 😀

    P.P.S. Duff, while pretty much gone, at least kept her clean image. I’m personally hoping Miley goes the way of Lohan. Because I’m awful like that. MAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

    Hey, everyone loves a good car wreck.
    And yeah, the whole crying stupid thing doesn’t work when Daddy has to sign off on the shit. She just didn’t predict the outcome properly, so she needs to place the blame.

  6. QueenBitch said:

    As I read this Im watching The E! news thingee and guess who pops up!! Yes Miley…
    I think the main thing about the lyrics n shit is that she doesnt write the lyrics she has people writing t hem for her and chances are thsese people dont know how to think like a 15 year old. Its no excuse though. Her dad should be stepping in.

    I dont mind hillary now. I used to hate her when she was Lizzie Mguire but now that shes not and shes older I enjoy her music more. Dont hit me!!

    You’re lucky you’re in the southern hemisphere, I can’t reach you!

  7. I wholeheartedly agree with greenmetropolis.

    According to those tween magazines like J14 and shit, (my nieces- again) Miley started rebelling during her ‘Best of Both Worlds’ tour. Sorry, how can one possibly “rebel” during a tour where she sings lyrics like, “Who would’ve thought that a girl like me, could be a double-life superstar”. I have heard Hannah Montana enough times to learn that part.

    It just seems sickeningly ironic. She dies her hair black, wears ill-fitting clothing. It just got me when she was wearing designer clothing. I mean, she has the money right? It seems obvious.. right? But does she really have to flash it around? I heard her Dad on E Canada saying that he LOWERED her allowence to $300- after she bought that Prada bag. Tsk tsk tsk! She has young girls looking up to her who will never have a chance in hell to wear clothing like that! Does she have to make a production out of it?

    I honestly had NO IDEA that she was the same damned person as Hannah Montana! Oh my god!!!
    I dont think that every allowance my parents ever gave me (sporadic as they were) even added up to $300.

  8. Yes…imagine what she’s doing to 8 yr. olds. Thankfully my child has a head chock full o’ brains (just like her momma, ha) and has decided that Miley is “ridiculous” ever since hearing about the Vanity Fair photo shoot.

    I do have to confess that we went to see Miley/Hannah (whomever the fuck she is/was) in concert at my daughter’s height of adore-ment. I’m guessing that because she can’t sing (after seeing her in concert I can vouch for this – she lip-synced the entire show) or dance (she had some Miley/Hannah double fill in for her at several points) she had to ‘sexy’ things up to make a buck ’cause she ain’t gonna make it with her voice, and once she’s too old to play the Hannah Montana role what the hell will the girl do? Oh yeah, she’ll get herself pregnant and make all the tabloids, that’s what.

    Then she’ll marry the baby daddy in a shotgun wedding. C’mon, we can all imagine Billy Ray standing there with a literal shotgun.

  9. “This baby is a WHORE.” Hilarious line. Do you remember there was this teenager who tried to hijack a Southwest flight so that he could fly the plane into a big arena where Miley Cyrus was performing. He was brought down by air marshalls, but how great is that? He tried to suicide bomb it.

    I did NOT hear that, that is crazy! Did somebody immediately introduce this child to a psych ward?

  10. I’m with you on everything except on the white trash reference: perhaps they have a thing with their “y’s” on names, who are we to judge?

    Hmmmm….coming from duffboY

  11. This was juicy and full of zest and truth serum, good times 🙂

    She does possess that teenage-thing where you start wearing making by diving in with the “over the top” stuff (despite her army of make-up artists who should be able to make it look better)….for me that’s a fond memory of being 15…you know, not being allowed to wear make-up, so subsequently stealing products from my mom’s supply of Avon make-up, but of course only choosing the bluest of eyeshadow and reddest of lipstick, and then applying it in the girls bathroom at school at 8:15am…..HAHAHAHA, I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything 🙂

    I often get told that I speak as through a truth serum was pumping through my fantastic body. It’s the greatest thing about me!
    And dude, I totally used to steal my Mom’s Avon stuff!! It was so bad!!!!

  12. I guess I could always morph into Duffbro… how ’bout it?

  13. Oddly enough, Miley’s real name was one you had mentioned. Destiny. Destiny Hope, actually, so you knew she was destined for trouble from the start.

    I don’t mind her, my 13 year old watches the show which is cute enough in a corny sort of way but doesn’t listen to her music, I don’t think anyways.

    I do have to say that I was in a relationship at 15, a serious one that lasted until I was 18. I wouldn’t go back and wait until I was older, though i don’t fancy my daughter in a serious relationship in 2 years.

  14. Yeah I know. Same here! I don’t know why her Dad had to share what her allowence was. He wants to come off as a ‘normal father’.

    I actually didn’t know they were different people either! I dared to ask my nieces, and then I got clobbered to death by Webkins. After I learned that, I thought maybe Hannah Montana was a reality TV show. Although on the show I think her last name is Miley Steward.

    I agree with you that all of the white-trash names end in ey!

  15. Destiny Hope. Oh Pleease!

  16. Um… HELLO!! My (normal people name) Ends in “ey” IM WHITE TRASH…. NOOOOOOOOOOOO….

    Yes I am greatful you cant hit me as im in the southern hemisphere 🙂

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