So there’s this girl who’s been around a lot lately. All the time, I turn around and she’s there. People are always talking about her and though I try to ignore her, it’s all in vain, as she is apparently unbeatable and ubiquitous.
Her name is Miley Cyrus. Spawn of the infamous Billy Ray Cyrus. We all remember him, don’t we? Now, I’m a girl who loves her country music, but never EVER was Achey Breaky Heart a good song. Who sings about their own heart blowing up in their tragic death??? And that dance that went along with it? I was like, less than 10 when it came out, but I still remember and shudder at it.
Well, somebody slept with Mr. Cyrus and poof, they popped out baby Cyrus. I have no idea if Miley is her real name. Her paternal unit is named Billy Ray, so I guess Miley isn’t totally out there. I find that white trash likes names that end in ‘ey’. Bethany, Destiny, Tiffany, Bailey, Britney, Candi, Bambi, you get the idea. Miley mixes right in there, all comfy-like.
Anyways, who IS this chick? I hear her name everywhere and only yesterday realized that a song on my internet radio was being sung by this girl. I listened to the words. I gasped and cringed. This BABY is a WHORE. She’s fifteen (15!) years old.
She sings like she knows shit, like she can decipher her hormone-controlled emotions and like she’s had time to reflect on things, make sense of them and grow from them already. At the ripe old age of fifteen. She sings about looking into some guys eyes, and then drops her voice into a sultry-esque tone (or rather, the computer she’s pretending to be is programmed to a lower note……there’s no way that’s an actual voice) and proclaims, “I can’t wait to see you again”
When you are fifteen, you should only be saying that with such intensity to your puppy dog. You’ll really miss your puppy when you go over to your friend’s house for a sleepover. She’s 15!!!! What was she doing that requires such a sultry voice? I find it conflicts nicely with her squeaky clean little image. Didn’t she flash her boobies recently? Well, not that she HAS boobs, but you know…..her nipples?
At 15, you should be wearing ill fitting bras, venturing to the mall with your friends and giggling as you go to buy underwear, wearing poorly coordinated makeup, changing your braces colours to match the seasons, cheering on your grade 9 teams and only just starting to venture into the middle of the gym at the school dances……a drastic change from the dances a few years earlier where the two genders ignored each other.
I feel sorry for this girl.
I feel sorry for all child singers/actors. They’re so fucking weird (Dakota Fanning anybody??) but when they talk, you can tell that they actually think they’re adults. They take themselves so seriously. I recently read Miss Cyrus saying that she’s just too darned busy for a relationship! No guy would want to put up with her fame and she doesn’t have time to drag him around with her anyways. What?! You’re not supposed to be in relationships at 15!! Why are you thinking about this? You’re supposed to have experienced spin the bottle, and a couple of awkward makeout sessions on your friends basement couch which were quickly interrupted by their suspecting parents.
Little Miley won’t ever have that. Every move she makes will be tracked. All awkward first dates will be documented. Her trip to the drugstore to buy her first confusing box of pads or tampons will be all over the papers. She’ll be over by 22. She’ll probably be pregnant by 22 too, if she follows in the footsteps of her female pop star predecessors. Her life is a game of pretend and she may not know it.
She pretends to have a female body. She pretends to have life experience. She pretends that she doesn’t have the unavoidable complexion of a 15 year old. She pretends not to be a depressed, confused, angry, up and down teenager. She pretends her life is the ideal.
Imagine what she’s doing to 8 year olds? Especially since she does have this squeaky clean image and parents probably aren’t limiting their children’s exposure to her. These girls grow up thinking zits don’t exist…Miley doesn’t have any (Miley has an army of makeup artists). They see that the only hair you should have is freakishly straight…..no famous singers or pretty girls have curly hair, that’s absurd (Miley has an army of hair stylists). They think clothes have to be perfect, expensive and figure hugging (Miley has several personal shoppers and stylists, no doubt). They should look at boys as things they are trying to impress at all times (Miley sings about how she’ll make it up to the guy for being so shy last time, you know, when she sees him again). They learn that you should always be upbeat and full of energy (ever seen a frowning Miley? ever seen a tired Miley? ever seen a Miley who didn’t see the silver lining?). These girls are being told that they should be someone that isn’t real.
I understand I”m not the first one to make this shocking observation. But for some reason, she really gets to me. It’s her age. 15. She can’t drive, she can’t drink, she can’t buy smokes, she can’t vote….she’s a minor! Why do we glorify this? Why do we sexy this up?
Why does she go along with it? Why is she allowing herself to be a brand? A commodity? A puppet? A robot with no real life save for an overbloated schedule? A marionette singing about things she couldn’t possibly know of or fully understand?
Who’s to blame here? Who’s to laugh at? Is she being used or is she using the people managing her? Who’s coming out on top here? Is she smarter than all of us or can she really not see what she looks like from outside to anybody over the age of 16? Where’s ol’ Billy Ray?
Maybe I’ve proven my own damned point. I’ve given her attention. I’ve driven her google hits. I’ve upped her stock. She’s still rich and doesn’t give a damn about me.
Maybe I’m the idiot, who knows. But at least I’m the idiot who did dumb embarassing 15 year old stuff, along with dumb embarassing 16 and 17 year old stuff. I think I’m the one with the last laugh for that. I don’t buy that whole ‘money can’t buy happiness’……..I think it could make a decent shot at it. However, all the fame and fortune in the world can’t buy you your teenage years back. Or your dignity.