I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

Sweet Dreams.

I had a dream last night that has made me feel completely secure and protected and happy inside all day long.

I’ve had a few of these dreams over the years and they are always the same. I remember that it was a dream with other characters and settings, but I don’t know what these were. All I remember is about one minute of it, and it’s always the same.

It’s black, everything, everywhere is black. My grandpa is a few feet away from me, and I am absolutely astonished to see him. I always run up to hug him, fearing that when I get to him, he will disappear into thin air and I will hug nothing but his memory, yet again. But he’s always there, always solid, always willing to return the hug.

He never says anything, but I know he’s there with me, he’s present. All I ever say is ‘I love you, I love you’ over and over again. The absolute euphoria I feel is nothing that I can get when I’m actually awake. I’m so intensely overjoyed and thankful and grateful to see him, to hug him, to let him know I miss him.

It ends as sudden as it starts, and that’s all it is. Nothing fancy, nobody else, no exotic locales, no familiar settings, no inane chatter.

I lost my grandpa in 2000. I had just moved to Ontario for university and his passing was sudden and shocking. It ripped me apart.

I had flown home for Thanksgiving (which in Canada, is in October) and he had come to Saskatoon with my grandma to see me, his oldest grandchild and the first one to leave the province. He ate dinner with us, my aunt and uncle and cousin, and we went about our visits as we always did. The time came for them to leave. For some reason (as I had NEVER done this before in my life), I became insistent that I get a picture of them before they left. I’d never taken a photo of my grandpa before in my life. I snapped the pic, accepted hugs from all, and went to the computer to finish an assignment for a class.

I sat at the computer and could hear their car start on the driveway just outside. I had this INSANE URGE to get up. Everything in my body was SCREAMING at me to get up, to go and wave while they drove down the driveway. I pushed the instinct down to finish my project, after all, Christmas was only two months away and I’d see them then.

The next morning as I was out the door to the airport, we got a call. He’d had a stroke. Everyone was confident he would push it through, as my grandpa was incredibly strong and still young at 65. They insisted I go back to school.

I did.

I wish to this day I didn’t. I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye, whereas all my cousins and relatives did. To this day I still blame myself. He was unconscious for days before he let go. I blame myself for not flying back sooner, since I am convinced that if he had heard my voice, felt my hand in his, he would have woken up.

I thank whatever it was that made me take that picture every time I think of it. It meant so much to everyone to have a pic of him the day before it happened. It’s a perfect way to remember him.

These dreams that I have every so often make me realize that he doesn’t hold it against me for not making it back in time. I am of the belief that the dead can visit you in dreams. Mock me if you will, but you won’t change my mind. My grandpa pops in every so often to just let me know he’s good.

Thanks Grandpa. I’ll see you later.

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Comments on: "Sweet Dreams." (10)

  1. This was a lovely thing to read before going to bed, and it was NOOO coincidence that something inside you made you take that picture that day, no coincidence at all, and no one can convince me of otherwise on that one 😉 .

    Sweet Dreams 🙂

    I’m pretty positive it wasn’t a coincidence either. It freaks me out a bit, but I’m so glad I have it.

  2. I think he want you to know it’s not your fault and not to blame yourself. 😐 Don’t beat yourself up.

    Very sweet/loving post.

    Thank you. Unfortunately it isn’t as easy to do as it sounds.

  3. omg Talea- sounds like a truly magical dream! I’m glad you have it! This post made me a bit sad because my dad passed from a stroke in ’04 – it suck’s that they’re gone……. I’m sorry for your loss but glad you get this little relief from time to time. I think he is checking in with you to tell you he’s all right!

    I think so too, he knows I worry about him. And thank you.

  4. Sorry for your loss.
    I just had deja vu while reading this because my Poppa (Grandpa) had a heart-attack at the same age, sixty-five. I was so upset! He had to have open-heart surgery, and a pace-maker. I am really glad that he made it through though, because we were never really that close. He isn’t my real Poppa, he just married my Grandma after he came from England a little before I was born. So yeah, I can relate to you in that way.

    As for dreaming of people who are gone, never happened to me- though I wish it would. I have had dreams where I did something really fun and when I woke up I felt sad. I have had dreams that cost me money. Once, I had a dream where I was having the time of my life in France. I woke up and felt depressed for weeks, so I went! I was broke when I came back, but I had a great time.

    You and him are both very lucky. Enjoy the time you have with him, grandparents play a very special role in our lives.

  5. Sorry for rambling on about myself…. great post. It’s good that your Grandpa is appearing in your dreams.

  6. I used to not take seriously people’s grandparents dying (I used to repeat a line from “The 25th Hour”: “grandmothers die, that’s what they do!” My parents are in their late 60’s and I see now how important their roles are to my nephews and nieces, how they would feel if they would die. Nice to have those dreams, Talea, hope you keep having them.

    I’m very glad you changed your outlook on grandparents. I feel they have such an important role in passing down tradition and allowing you to experience unconditional love to an even higher level than you do from your parents.
    Thanks!

  7. I am sorry for your loss. And I totally agree with you: the dead can visit you in dreams, even if it’s just to kick you in the ass. My sister, passed away in November of 2006 and she pops up in my thoughts and dreams right when I need her, when I need a push forward. She reminds me how precious life is and to not waste what time and good health I have. Like you, I never got to say a proper goodbye. My sister was was deep into a coma before I ever got the call to get to the hospital. But I found peace with that fact with my memories of her and the impact she had on my life.
    You can read about her here:
    http://glassowater.wordpress.com/2007/06/14/counting-breathes-for-pam-fall-2006/

    and speaking of dreams, she appears here too:
    http://glassowater.wordpress.com/2007/06/14/counting-breathes-for-pam-fall-2006/

    I read your second post, commented on it….amazing.
    Maybe it’s one of the blessings of losing a loved one…though it’s obviously horrible, you can see how much they truly cared for you…they come out and cheer you on, help you out from wherever they are.

  8. This is why I pay attention to dreams. Sometimes they’re there for a reason. And I’m sure your grandpa knows that visiting you in dreamland is nice, safe territory. My mom’s grandpa apparently stinks up her car once in a while :S My grandpa’s still alive for now, but I’m sure when he’s not he’ll show up and still be calling me Irene.

    I always pay attention to my dreams, and I have like, 3 of them a night.
    Yeah, he probably realizes that if he showed up while I was awake, I’d piss myself and run away terrified.

  9. Very nice heartfelt post talea, thanks for writing it. I agree with Peter Parkour on the interpretation of the dream. The simplicity of your dream is impressive and the clarity of your feelings for your grandpa is striking. Sudden losses like this often produce these kind of dreams to help us say the goodbyes that we never got to say in waking reality.

    Aww, I love your outlook on that David. Thank you!

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