I had a dream last night that has made me feel completely secure and protected and happy inside all day long.
I’ve had a few of these dreams over the years and they are always the same. I remember that it was a dream with other characters and settings, but I don’t know what these were. All I remember is about one minute of it, and it’s always the same.
It’s black, everything, everywhere is black. My grandpa is a few feet away from me, and I am absolutely astonished to see him. I always run up to hug him, fearing that when I get to him, he will disappear into thin air and I will hug nothing but his memory, yet again. But he’s always there, always solid, always willing to return the hug.
He never says anything, but I know he’s there with me, he’s present. All I ever say is ‘I love you, I love you’ over and over again. The absolute euphoria I feel is nothing that I can get when I’m actually awake. I’m so intensely overjoyed and thankful and grateful to see him, to hug him, to let him know I miss him.
It ends as sudden as it starts, and that’s all it is. Nothing fancy, nobody else, no exotic locales, no familiar settings, no inane chatter.
I lost my grandpa in 2000. I had just moved to Ontario for university and his passing was sudden and shocking. It ripped me apart.
I had flown home for Thanksgiving (which in Canada, is in October) and he had come to Saskatoon with my grandma to see me, his oldest grandchild and the first one to leave the province. He ate dinner with us, my aunt and uncle and cousin, and we went about our visits as we always did. The time came for them to leave. For some reason (as I had NEVER done this before in my life), I became insistent that I get a picture of them before they left. I’d never taken a photo of my grandpa before in my life. I snapped the pic, accepted hugs from all, and went to the computer to finish an assignment for a class.
I sat at the computer and could hear their car start on the driveway just outside. I had this INSANE URGE to get up. Everything in my body was SCREAMING at me to get up, to go and wave while they drove down the driveway. I pushed the instinct down to finish my project, after all, Christmas was only two months away and I’d see them then.
The next morning as I was out the door to the airport, we got a call. He’d had a stroke. Everyone was confident he would push it through, as my grandpa was incredibly strong and still young at 65. They insisted I go back to school.
I wish to this day I didn’t. I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye, whereas all my cousins and relatives did. To this day I still blame myself. He was unconscious for days before he let go. I blame myself for not flying back sooner, since I am convinced that if he had heard my voice, felt my hand in his, he would have woken up.
I thank whatever it was that made me take that picture every time I think of it. It meant so much to everyone to have a pic of him the day before it happened. It’s a perfect way to remember him.
These dreams that I have every so often make me realize that he doesn’t hold it against me for not making it back in time. I am of the belief that the dead can visit you in dreams. Mock me if you will, but you won’t change my mind. My grandpa pops in every so often to just let me know he’s good.
Thanks Grandpa. I’ll see you later.