I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

It may come as a shock to all of you that I was not always the cool, calm, collected chick I am nowadays. No, there was a time when I was a total fucking loser. I refer to that time as my early teens.

Now, all teens are losers in one way or another….even the cool ones. I think the teen years are a horrible awful affliction that we must all travel through in order to appreciate the rest of life fully. The thing I am most grateful for when I look back at my teen years is that I had no idea at the time how truly horrid it all was. I knew it was lame, but I didn’t know HOW bad, cuz I didn’t know HOW GOOD it would get later on in life. I have no idea what people are talking about when they say those are the best years of your life. I can guarantee you they are most definitely not.

Teenage girls are interesting creatures indeed. Though I was one relatively recently in my life (shut up! it was recent, I’m only 25….oh GOD, when did I become 25??? Pardon me, I have to go put my head between my knees before I hyperventilate), I don’t have any explanations or insights into why they act the way that they do. Other than to say that they’re just teenage girls. Full of hormones, angst, insecurities. Being pounded by conflicting media messages on an hourly basis. Told to act like the girls they see on TV (aka, sluts), but not be sluts. Told that it’s good to be smart cuz that’ll get you into university, but nobody likes a smart girl. Worried about the dumbest shit EVER….like, if this shirt is too much like the shirt that that cool girl wore yesterday…cuz she wouldn’t want everyone to think she was trying to become cool…everyone knows you CAN’T become cool, that is decided on the first day of high school and if you fail, it’s over. Accept it and move on.

Anyways.

My particular embarassing and awful teenage obsession? Well. I’m about to reveal that to you.

Please, understand the strength it takes me to admit fully my utter and absolute retardedness and lameness. I am fully aware of how stupid I was, I assure you. I make no excuses. I accept that it is who I once was, and I ask you to understand that it no longer reflects in any way, shape or form who I am now. I now mock girls that are like what I used to be like. Mock and pity them. But in the midst of it all, I could not see the wrong in my ways. I was blinded by my teenaged outlook. In one way, I knew it was bad, because I kept it a secret from everyone. But I couldn’t help it. I was hopelessly addicted.

******************************************************************

Folks…….I used to love Hanson. The band. Yes, the Mmmbop kids with the long hair.

I’ll give you a moment. I know laughing that hard can often cause dizziness and shortness of breath. Take your time.

*****************************************************************

The world ‘love’ doesn’t convey how bad it truly was. We’re talking BAD.

First, the worst thing was my age. I was in my teens. High school. Most of their fans were aged 6-11. I doubled most of them. I was 13+. This was bad. I hid this for all I was worth in high school, for if I was outed, then my social standing (as LOW as it was) would plummet even further. I wasn’t cool, but I at least flew under the radar and I did NOT need anybody suddenly noticing me. Oh no, I wanted to keep myself unknown to the cool kids.

Now, being their oldest fan on the planet, I was constantly plagued with the fear of a BIG what if…….WHAT IF Hanson came to old Saskatoon to perform? I stayed up many nights, staring at my Hanson-poster-plastered walls, wondering what I would do. Certainly, I couldn’t miss it. But I had nobody to go with. I couldn’t tell anybody I was going. Did I want to stand there in the crowd, amongst girls who had just lost their front teeth, petrified that a fellow teen had been forced to bring her little sister to the show and she’d see me and tell EVERYONE? I wasn’t sure how I’d make it through. Luckily I never had to make the choice. They never came.

My source of income at this time was babysitting. I didn’t like it. You all know I hate kids. BUT it meant money. And money meant….Tiger Beat. Tiger Beat meant posters, pictures and totally useless facts aplenty about Hanson. I would babysit, collect my money, wait until everyone was out of the house and speedwalk my ass over to Walmart. There, I would look around suspiciously and be sure nobody I knew was nearby. I’d make a beeline for the magazine aisle, grab the one with the most pics and promises of revealing information and try to hide my face from the cashier while I counted out my meager earnings. I’d race home and ogle the pictures. Then I would get to the important business of ripping them out and plastering them ALL OVER my bedroom.
No surface was uncovered, I’m not even exaggerating. This led to a particularly tricky moment that I recall from Grade 10. Two of my friends were over cuz we had to work on a project. I never had friends over…not because I had no friends, but because my mom was an unpredictable crazy person who I was not willing to expose others to. So when they came over, they wanted to see my room (since that’s a big deal to teen girls). I said no, it was messy. They insisted. I said no. They insisted. I said no. Before I knew it, one of them was up the stairs and in front of my door.
I about shit my pants. My entire social life, as fragmented and sad as it was, flashed before my eyes. If she opened that door, I was outed. I was done. I’d have to drop out and get home schooled. I had no choice. I grabbed her and ripped her the fuck away from my door. Violently. I’m pretty sure this scared them both, as they were both like, ‘Okay fine! Geez Talea!’ They left the topic of my room alone for the rest of the night.

I owned all of their CDs, and to this day I still LOVE their Christmas CD. I owned their VHS tapes that they put out (it was before DVD’s). I listened and watched religiously. I had heart attacks each time their videos were on TV. If they were mentioned in the news, the family knew to be quiet so I could hear, or else I’d drop kick their asses. I was a crazy, teenaged girl. I taped their appearances on Oprah, Letterman and Leno.

I hung out on their website all the time. This was back in the day of chat rooms, and you’re damn right if you’re thinking I must have been a well-known regular. I most certainly was, thank you very fucking much.

I was glued to the TV the night that they were up for three Grammys. They didn’t win a one. I….sobbed.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, because I fully realize the absolute comedy and pathetic quality of it and want to share it with you all. Embrace who you are and let it all hang out folks. I think it’s important to be open about yourself and laugh at yourself.

But some things are not to be laughed at. If you would have told 13-year-old-me that Taylor Hanson DIDN’T reciprocate my love, I would beaten you to a bloody pulp and spit on your open wounds. How dare you, bitch!

Now, to even make this post FUNNIER (and further humiliate myself for no good reason, except that I really do find this past secret hilarious), I will share with you a photo put together by my BFF, Emerald. The day she found this out, she posted this on Facebook. I love it. It’s often my profile pic.

Enjoy:

Me and my boys, yo. Yeah, I’m 23 in that pic and they’re like, 12, 14 and 17. Whatevs. Now…..you TOTALLY have to spill one awful secret of your past in the comments section.

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Comments on: "I have no excuse for this….." (19)

  1. It took me a while to read this post I was laughing so hard! I too think laughing at yourself is really important. Okay, secret from my past… OH! I had a band. I was about 12 or 13 and I made a band with my cousins called, wait for it…. THE SUNFLOWER GIRLS! Yes, that was our name. My family used to baby sit them, and quite often we would have ‘band meetings’. You know, where we would make up songs and that. So here is our ‘smash hit’. (At all of the family reunions)

    Say it Myself
    off the album, Fight Me

    It’s happy, all day
    Everything is going my way
    It’s good to see
    All the world is so HAPPY!

    (Chorus)
    No one will be able to take my place in this
    Say it myself
    Say it so that
    Everyone can hear me

    No one will be able to make me disappointed

    I’m glad
    Your here
    That’s why I’m grinning
    Ear to ear

    It’s nice
    To know
    That you don’t have to go!

    (Chorus)

    Since we were getting so big, the Sunflower Girls needed a manager. We called on this girl named Barbara who maybe was one year older, and she got a little power-crazy. She wanted us to write a song about her, that went something along the lines
    of, “We see stars falling all around Barbara’s head”. That was a no-go, so we did what we had to do. I went on my Barbie computer and typed up a ‘legal document’ so that we could fire her.

    So yeah. That about sums it up. Also, after my music career went down the tubes, I set my sights on modeling. My cousins
    and I paraded around my Grandparent’s in-ground pool one night in make-shift couture. We were known to put on little shows for them. Like dances. I decided to put on a ‘contemporary’ dance for them. Wearing a little costume, I pitifully tried to imitate moves I saw on TV. Throughout the ‘performance’ I actually heard them LAUGHING as I rolled around on the grass ‘artfully’. For my grand finish, I was going to jump off the diving board into the pool, and in midair rip off my costume to reveal the bathing suit.

    Except I was hopelessly trapped in my ‘costume’ in midair.
    So yeah.

    I would have laughed at you too. Nobody is cool when they do interpretive dance. And the Sunflower Girls? HAHAHAHA.

  2. Talea you are now officially an adult. Very funny post! You are so right about adolescence being a disease condition. We are lucky to survive it at all.

    When I was a teenager it was The Monkees. And the Beatles of course. You had to have a favorite. Mickey Dolenz and Paul McCartney. However, I didn’t have the same type of shameful obsession as you, and didn’t have to worry about my friends seeing my room. If I even had any posters I don’t remember. I was kind of a geeky nerdy type.

    So I resist your “tag” to share an awkward teenage moment. There were just too many of them and they were such a long time ago.

    Emerald’s photoshop is interesting. There’s some strong resemblance. As though you and Hanson share some serious DNA.

    Like your new header photo. It’s an angry kitty- or is it just its face?

    It’s just it’s face, poor thing, so misunderstood….I can relate.
    Adolescence is an AWFUL affliction. I look at teenagers and sometimes I just want to be like, ‘Hold on, it gets better!’ Hehehe.

  3. I once peed my pants in grade 1 because I was scared of the bathroom. But I think I admitted that before.

    I was also in love with the Backstreet Boys and yes, Aaron Carter. Then the Goo Goo Dolls came along and it was them and Guns n Roses from then on.

    I feel ashamed.

    Who the hell is scared of bathrooms?? Loser.
    Aaron Carter. That’s just wrong dude…..so wrong. You have embarassed yourself even more than I.

  4. Hilarious! And I love the picture! I can imagine attacking someone like that if they were about to expose a shameful secret about me – totally justified. Wow, I’m still laughing…

    I never was into any boy bands, although I do remember having a huge crush on Kirk Cameron in fifth grade. Oh, and the Karate Kid.

    I also loved Irina’s comment! Complete with song lyrics. Brilliant!

    Okay, here’s a little secret: my sister and I played barbies well into high school. That’s probably more embarrassing for my sister though, since she is a year and a half older than me!

    I totally grabbed her and shoved her away from my door. I had no choice!! I wonder what they thought I was keeping in there after my little show of insanity…
    And your Barbie secret? Thanks for sharing! It feels liberating, doesn’t it? I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone playing Barbies that long. But hey, there’s about 6 trillion things worse than that, so don’t feel bad about it.

  5. AAAAAHHH!! HAHAHA!!! You are my hero! I have always loved that picture on facebook, but this post honestly made my day! Talea, you will always be fabulous!!

    Hahahahaha, did you know of my Hanson obsession at the time? I don’t remember if I ever let you into my room. I doubt it. I don’t think anybody knew. I’m sorry I lied to you Dana, but I’m sure you understand.
    I’m honoured to be your hero. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. And the sad part was I thought I was being an intellectual… you know, because I wasn’t dancing hop-hip or whatever. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

  7. You most certainly have no excuse for this, but as your friend, it is only fair that I pony up something embarrassing…hmmm…

    Okay: when I was about 12 or 13, I was OBSESSED with Canada’s pride in pairs figure-skating, Isabelle Brasseur and Lloyd Eisler. For some reason all I ever wanted was for them to hook up, so I would read every article on them and watch every performance, searching for any signs of chemistry. And then (*gulp*), I would have daydreams about them hooking-up….to this day I don’t know why it wasn’t ME hooking up with Lloyd Eisler in the those daydreams…maybe it was the fact that I had a mustache at the time, and didn’t feel that my mustache-self was worthy of starring in a sexual fantasy…needless to say, this is all very confusing, and probably better suited for a therapist vs. your blog-comment thread…I must go now.

    Were they even figure skaters? Or were they the second tier….ice dancers?
    and yes, usually fantasies involve ones self. Hmmmmm, maybe you have some serious ‘voyeur’ issues.

  8. Embarrassing teen secret? Hmmm… Like the Barbie admission above, I was playing with action figures as a freshmen. Probably still would be if it weren’t for my first real girlfriend I hooked up with during the summer before my sophomore year. I still collect them :mrgreen: but I don’t play with them any more. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Which action figures? I mean, there’s probably degrees of cool to the whole action figure game.
    the girlfriend didn’t like playing second fiddle to your plastic man friends? I can see that….hehe.

  9. Aren’t they all married with kids now or something?

    Well, the only one I know about is Taylor (my teenaged love). He’s married with 3 kids, which is uber creepy.

  10. THAT BATHROOM WAS HAUNTED!!!!!! THE BUILDING WAS OVER 100 YEARS OLD AND SCARY!!!!!!! I WAS SIX!!!

    And to be fair, Aaron Carter had some smart marketing guys, they make it appear that he hit puberty waaaaaay before he actually did. However, still no excuse. Also, I didn’t cry like a loser! Hahahahahahaha!!!!! I lub you.

    Hahaha, I cried and ran to my room.
    I’m glad you love me, cuz after this post, nobody else is going to.

  11. Let’s see, embarrasing secret from my teen years… I guess one guilty pleasure were the first like 6 or 7 seasons of Beverly Hills 90210. My favorite episodes revolved around Dylan’s drug use and revenge plans, plus his father’s (then we thought it was for real) staged death in the car explosion.

    I’ve never watched an episode of 90210. But I do know that Tori Spelling was in it, which results in at least one or two laughs at your expense.

  12. Alright an embarrassing secret… i’ll share a few coz im nice like that..

    I too loved hanson! I Was going to marry Zac (the lil one). I also liked the backstreet boys but not as much a hanson. Infact i had a hanson sweatshirt that i used to wear all the time and i had a pic of Zac in my wallet.

    I also had this brown jersey thing that i used to wear every day. I dontk now why.

    I too hated using the toliets at school and i also pee’d my pants. However i wasnt 6 like emerald i was more like 11.

    I still played barbies when i was 12.

    i think thats enough.

    Yay! a fellow hanson lover!
    You were 11?? Dude!!! that’s priceless.

  13. This was a great post and awesome comments! My friends who I hung out with used to like Sean Cassidy. You probably don’t even know who he is – you’re too young. LOL. But at least I knew better than to wallpaper my walls with their stuff. I kept it in the magazines where it could easily be hidden somewhere. LOL. Hey, I’ve been wondering – do you pronounce Talea as Tah-Lee-Ah, or Tal-Yah? Or some other way? I need to get it straight in my head. My niece says one way and I thought the other. I figured it would just be easy enough to come right out and ask ya. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Hope you are well!

    I’ve heard of Sean Cassidy! He was that guy with the….hair….right? Haha, you knew better than to wallpaper……you mean you just didn’t get into it with the same heart that I did!!!

    My name…….Talea. Rhymes with Korea. And idea. And diarrhea (thanks elementary school). Ta-LEE-ah.

  14. Hehehe. LOVE THIS. I knew this, but I laughed my head off reading this.

    I don’t even think the crazy bad stuff I love (that you already know I love) is much of a secret anymore. I just wanted to be able to blast Britney in front of you guys and not have to explain myself. Thanks for loving me anyway!

    I still adore 90210 and I watch MOD everyday. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I won’t mock you for 90210, but I will mock you for MOD. though it explains your excitement when you saw Master T.
    Ahahahahaha!!!!!

  15. mmmmmm bop! How cute is that? I loved this post. I laughed so hard when I got to the picture at the end. LOL! I was born in ’70 and had a major crush on MICHAEL JACKSON! Look what you’ve done, you’ve just dragged that secret out of my closet girl, go on with your bad old self! WHOOT!

    Haha, don’t you feel a bit better though not hanging onto that secret? I mean, that is pretty embarassing since he turned into the King of Crazies, but how were you to know?? ๐Ÿ˜›

  16. Gawd, I laughed even more at Romi’s comment! as if she doesn’t give us enough stuff to laugh at (poor thing!)

    and Teeni?!?! it’s SHAWN Cassidy – must not have been too crazy of a passion if you can’t even remember how to spell his name! I wrote him a fan letter and never got one in return so I wrote his sorry ass of my list and then obsessed for Chachi (Scott Baio).

    I’m just thankful that the internet wasn’t quite accessible to me during my teen years. forums? chat rooms? egads.

    Awwww, that’s so sad he never wrote you back! What a jerk.
    I remember Chachi…..and Joanie! You’re lucky you could keep your obsessions within your own physical world and didn’t have the opportunity to broadcast your insanity to the world at large through the internet……oh wait! Ha.

  17. They were NOT second tier “ice dancers”!!!!…pairs figure skaters all the way baby! The lifts, the triple flips, the double axels, all that shit!!!!

    hmph! “Ice dancers”…..

    Alright, alright, just making sure! I remember their names and I remember thinking it was weird they weren’t married being that his hands were all over her hoo-ha region for those lifts and junk. Hmmmmm…..

  18. Cool – I was right with the pronunciation of your name. Now I can torture my niece. Muhahaha!

    And oops – CuriousC has got me there – I didn’t pay attention to the spelling but it is Shawn, not Sean. See? I said it was my FRIEND who had the obsession, not me. LOL. And maybe I shoulda posted his pics like wallpaper in my room so I’d have known how to spell the dude’s name. Duh. But now that I know he’s a snob and he didn’t write CuriousC back, I’ll move on to Scott Baio too. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Yes, Talea, Shawn Cassidy was the one with the hair (didn’t they ALL have “the hair” back in the eighties)? LOL. He was also the younger brother of David Cassidy from the Partridge Family show.

  19. joebecca said:

    i remember you spilling your guts about this before. i think i told you i was an NKOTB junkie … man, i think about being a teen now and i’m like “fuck! i was SUCH A DORK!!” LOL it’s alright though, i like being a dork.

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