Friends, colleagues and esteemed bloggers:
This may be my last post ever. It’s been a great run and I luv you all. However, due to circumstances beyond my control, I fear I will become a liquified version of myself sometime today. I hear it is quite difficult to blog whilst reduced to a puddle.
I. Am. Melting.
Holy hell, it is HOT here. Frying eggs on sidewalks kind of hot.
I like heat. I’m all over summer. Winter and I do not get along. Heat, I can handle. Humidity is a whole ‘nother ballgame. I’m a prairie girl. My people are prairie people, they’ve been in Saskatchewan before Saskatchewan was even a province. There’s no humidity in Saskatchewan. Just dry heat, which you can combat by stripping another layer off.
But now I live a mere kilometre or two from Lake Ontario, which is a gigantic body of water. Humidity is king in these parts. Sweating is futile, for the air is just as wet as you are. You can’t breathe, it’s like being in a sauna. You are sticky, constantly. There’s no escape, humidity doesn’t let up.
And of course, my air conditioning is broken in my building. want to punch my landlords in the face for allowing this to happen. Fanfuckingtastic. Kill me now. I’m so hot I feel drunk. Which is fun and all if you actually ARE drunk, but when you’re not drunk and the world won’t stop shifting back and forth, it’s really just disorienting and angering.
It’s the first really hot weekend in Toronto. The streets are packed, since Toronto comes alive in the summer with festivals and productions, patios and showcases. The people flock to the downtown core, which is my home sweet home.
Not only have I been melting slowly this weekend, but I’ve been visually assaulted by these assmonkeys invading my neighbourhood. Let’s review some rules for hot days, shall we?
1) Thighs are bad. Nobody likes to see them, unless you’re participating in a sexual liason. I have seen so many panty shorts this weekend, I’m surprised my eyes haven’t starting bleeding. Ladies wearing panty shorts or short dresses: I know you think you’re sexy. Your mom tells you you’re pretty. These are all lies. If you have cellulite, I should be allowed to pinch it, or flick it, or maybe throw lit cigarette butts at it. Cover that shit up!
2) Deodorant is our friend. Stock up. You never know when the stick will break, when you’ll drop it in the toilet or your dog might eat it. Have backups, for the love of all things holy, have backups. You will sweat in this weather and there’s nothing you can do about it. Sweat smells horribly, slap that aluminum-filled product on your pits or once again, I will toss lit cigarette butts at you.
3) Babies have a rough time of controlling their body temperature. Keep them inside. I know, you’re trying to expose your 8 month old to culture and other shit it’ll never remember as it sleeps contentedly in its SUV stroller, but trust me, one non-educational day spent in the comfort of your air conditioned home won’t destroy his chances of getting into Yale. Frying his little brain will. Get your child home! Don’t have A/C? Go to a library, they have it.
4) Bikini tops are for beaches. That way, I can avoid seeing your flab since it will be isolated to a particular area that I don’t have to go to if I don’t want to. I have the common sense and respect for others to cover my flab up, I’m only asking for the same in return.
5) Short tempers are aplenty in the heat. Use some common sense. Stuff that might get you a nasty glare on normal days will get you a cigarette butt flick when it’s 40 fucking degrees out. I’m hot and I’m pissy. Move!
Whatever, I can’t think of any more rules. I’m too hot. I’m going to go and get some pomegranate flavoured wine cooler stuff from my fridge, and sit on my balcony, trying to get drunk enough to not notice the fact that I’m covered in a thin layer of perspiration. I will also be praying for breezes.
Ugh. And yes, if you say to yourself, ‘Talea, weren’t you just bitching about winter though? Shouldn’t you shut your trap and be glad for summer?’ You would think so, wouldn’t you? Being Canadian though, it’s my duty to gripe about the weather no matter what. Wait until autumn rolls into town!