I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

Melllllllting

Friends, colleagues and esteemed bloggers:

This may be my last post ever. It’s been a great run and I luv you all. However, due to circumstances beyond my control, I fear I will become a liquified version of myself sometime today. I hear it is quite difficult to blog whilst reduced to a puddle.

I. Am. Melting.

Holy hell, it is HOT here. Frying eggs on sidewalks kind of hot.

I like heat. I’m all over summer. Winter and I do not get along. Heat, I can handle. Humidity is a whole ‘nother ballgame. I’m a prairie girl. My people are prairie people, they’ve been in Saskatchewan before Saskatchewan was even a province. There’s no humidity in Saskatchewan. Just dry heat, which you can combat by stripping another layer off.

But now I live a mere kilometre or two from Lake Ontario, which is a gigantic body of water. Humidity is king in these parts. Sweating is futile, for the air is just as wet as you are. You can’t breathe, it’s like being in a sauna. You are sticky, constantly. There’s no escape, humidity doesn’t let up.

https://i0.wp.com/farm2.static.flickr.com/1210/526448338_01a21979dc.jpg

And of course, my air conditioning is broken in my building. want to punch my landlords in the face for allowing this to happen. Fanfuckingtastic. Kill me now. I’m so hot I feel drunk. Which is fun and all if you actually ARE drunk, but when you’re not drunk and the world won’t stop shifting back and forth, it’s really just disorienting and angering.

It’s the first really hot weekend in Toronto. The streets are packed, since Toronto comes alive in the summer with festivals and productions, patios and showcases. The people flock to the downtown core, which is my home sweet home.

Not only have I been melting slowly this weekend, but I’ve been visually assaulted by these assmonkeys invading my neighbourhood. Let’s review some rules for hot days, shall we?

1) Thighs are bad. Nobody likes to see them, unless you’re participating in a sexual liason. I have seen so many panty shorts this weekend, I’m surprised my eyes haven’t starting bleeding. Ladies wearing panty shorts or short dresses: I know you think you’re sexy. Your mom tells you you’re pretty. These are all lies. If you have cellulite, I should be allowed to pinch it, or flick it, or maybe throw lit cigarette butts at it. Cover that shit up!

2) Deodorant is our friend. Stock up. You never know when the stick will break, when you’ll drop it in the toilet or your dog might eat it. Have backups, for the love of all things holy, have backups. You will sweat in this weather and there’s nothing you can do about it. Sweat smells horribly, slap that aluminum-filled product on your pits or once again, I will toss lit cigarette butts at you.

3) Babies have a rough time of controlling their body temperature. Keep them inside. I know, you’re trying to expose your 8 month old to culture and other shit it’ll never remember as it sleeps contentedly in its SUV stroller, but trust me, one non-educational day spent in the comfort of your air conditioned home won’t destroy his chances of getting into Yale. Frying his little brain will. Get your child home! Don’t have A/C? Go to a library, they have it.

4) Bikini tops are for beaches. That way, I can avoid seeing your flab since it will be isolated to a particular area that I don’t have to go to if I don’t want to. I have the common sense and respect for others to cover my flab up, I’m only asking for the same in return.

5) Short tempers are aplenty in the heat. Use some common sense. Stuff that might get you a nasty glare on normal days will get you a cigarette butt flick when it’s 40 fucking degrees out. I’m hot and I’m pissy. Move!

Whatever, I can’t think of any more rules. I’m too hot. I’m going to go and get some pomegranate flavoured wine cooler stuff from my fridge, and sit on my balcony, trying to get drunk enough to not notice the fact that I’m covered in a thin layer of perspiration. I will also be praying for breezes.

Ugh. And yes, if you say to yourself, ‘Talea, weren’t you just bitching about winter though? Shouldn’t you shut your trap and be glad for summer?’ You would think so, wouldn’t you? Being Canadian though, it’s my duty to gripe about the weather no matter what. Wait until autumn rolls into town!

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Comments on: "Melllllllting" (20)

  1. I like you when you all sweaty and bitchy. It puts a smile on my face. :mrgreen: See? ๐Ÿ˜‰ I hope they get your A/C fixed soon. I’m sure it’s on their list of things to do as soon as you move out. Those damned fuckers! Grrr… ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

    PS: Does all this cigarette butt flicking imply that you are going to take up smoking, because that would just suck. It’s only fair to warn you, if you take up smoking, I don’t care how sweaty and bitchy you get, I’m not gonna like it. Stick that in your pipe, but please, please don’t smoke it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    They’ve fixed it, but it doesn’t seem to be working 100%, so I’m half sweaty and bitchy at the moment.
    And my friend, it will be a cold, cold day in you know where when I start smoking. I just like the idea of injuring people is all. Hahaha.

  2. I agree with you. It’s REALLY HOT here, and we are getting thunderstorms up the wazoo. Seriously, it makes the humidity that much worse. My air-conditioner is on constantly because if you live in a loft, it’s a HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS to keep it nice and cool. Same goes for heating.

    You get a lot of men here that walk up and down the street with no shirts on (that’s alright) but they have body hair, and if you can see through the body hair, than you can tell they have a sun-burn. They think they’re to manly to apply sun-screen. It makes them that much more unattractive.

    I have seen Toronto in the summer, and I know exactly what you are talking about.

    (Please excuse… I am working on my english grammar)

    The only good thing about the heat is the thunderstorms. I love a good thunderstorm.

  3. I’m in Kentucky and it is hot and humid here all summer too. Also, I’m from Pennsylvania where I’m NOT used to this! We had hot weather there but the humidity is nothing like it is here. It seems to be bad everywhere this year though. I just talked to my friend in Boston today and she said the wet heat was killing her too.

    I liked your five rules. Maybe we can start posting that on street corners or something. The other day I saw a pasty old man mowing his lawn in pink boxer shorts. No shittin’! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Make that rule number six.

    Kentucky has to be brutal in the summer. The heat here got so bad that I broke down and bought a dress. No more jeans for me.
    Thanks!

  4. If this is your last blog post, I am really upset. I mean obviously you can’t type to respond to this if you’ve liquified, but I imagine your eyes haven’t liquified, so hopefully you’ll at least be able to read that I’m really upset, and subsequently feel loved.

    PS: if the A/C fixes itself and re-solidifies you, I’ll still be your friend even if you re-solidify in a mangled state, kind of like how melted chocolate never re-solidifies in the same mould…

    The A/C has only partly fixed itself, so I’m glad you love me even in my weird, pseudo-solid state.
    And why is that? Why are the eyes the last thing to melt? And they never melt….they always pop. Huh. Something to ponder….

  5. Ha! Romi beat me to it! I was going to mention that if you do melt and come back misshapen, I’d still be your friend.

    Great minds think alike! You guys are hilarious. Thanks May!

  6. whatigotsofar said:

    This weather is so awful, I’d wager the Devil hides out in Hell and avoids collecting souls for fear he himself might melt.

    Dude, that’s the best comment ever. I certainly wouldn’t bet against you.

  7. Shut your face, I have NEVER had A/C. I keep cool by bitching ๐Ÿ˜›

    Also, for someone who’s so anti-smoking, you seem to be a fan lately. I’m going to get you a pack of cigarettes so you can actually pitch lit ones at all the offenses listed above. Cause I know you don’t have any, and I want you to be prepared for when the opportunity arises, sort of like making sure you’ve got the best come-back at all times so you don’t have to think of it later and shout it loudly at the dinner table while everyone stares at you and wonder what the hell you mean when you suddenly yell “Oh yeah, well YOU look like you were conceived by someone pissing in your mother!” like that Thanksgiving last year at my Grandmothers house. Cause that’s what friends are for.

    It would have been funnier if you’d said, ‘shut your face Bitch!’ Ahahaha, bitch.
    Yeah, I definitely am missing the cigarettes in my ‘throwing cigarettes at people’ plan. What a pal.

  8. joebecca said:

    omg girl! i feel you on this one! it has been SO effing hot here, i can’t stand myself! Yuck!! and i was gardening in this shit the other day. omg gross!!!

    I bet you’ve been swearing about it just as much as I have too!! Fucking heat!

  9. omg I feel you on this one too and are you really quitting???????

    No no no hun, not quitting!! Just melting.

  10. You are making me want to start smoking again – I never threw a butt at anyone but it sounds real fun!

    Sorry you are a sweaty mess and your landlord is a sick son of a bitch who let your air conditioner go broken for more than 1 hour!

    We’ve been having the same humid crap here in Chicago! It’s maddening!

    Do not start smoking again! I am very anti-smoking and if you like, I’ll yell at you if you have any more urges. There’s other things you can throw at people. Like rotten tomatoes. That’d be good for a laugh.

  11. Hey Talea,
    You apparently haven’t been back in the prairies for the past couple summers… we have humidity, i don’t know where it’s coming from but we have had humidity like mad… no more dry heat..
    We haven’t had the super hottness yet this year, but i can’t wait…

    Take care

    Karli

    Hey Karli……I do remember it getting nasty humid at home from time to time. Now imagine that for 3 months straight. Ugh.
    Enjoy your dry heat when you get it.

  12. I hear saunas are excellent for your skin though. I betcha once the heat wave breaks you’re going to have lovely glowing skin. Or be a withered dehydrated husk… Make sure you drink a lot of water…

    I’ll let you know how my skin winds up. I’m also definitely going to drink a lot of water…thanks for the heads up about that.

  13. Our heat wave (5 days long) just broke with some potent thunderstorms last night. I hope Toronto’s does too. We don’t want talea to be all melted.

    Some friends from work had a radio show at the college a few years back titled “It’s not the heat, it’s the stupidity!” ๐Ÿ˜€

    It has broke, yes, but it’s still really hot.
    People DO get stupid when hot….I just get mad.

  14. It’s always a trip to hear people complain about the weather when it is the opposite of my own. I’m wrapped in a fleece blanket, and it’s 48 out there in O-Town. I even cranked the heat on for awhile last night. I’m pretty sure it is June, right?

    ps ~ O-Town = the Mecca that is Olympia, WA

    Don’t you have that Olympia Park? I’ve heard of it for years and I’ve always wanted to visit.

  15. I read that post wrong I guess I am stupid ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Nah, you aren’t stupid. I’m just overly sarcastic.

  16. I wish you would keep quiet about the damn heat! I love the heat and I am sitting freezing at the moment!! OK it isn’t freezing as in ice and snow … but we (in South Africa) are having our winter now and anything vaguely cooler constitutes winter here. Urgh … I even have to wear a sweater and socks!!!

    Enjoy the sun! And yes I do agree, why do fat ladies with crinkly patsy white legs always insist on wearing shorts at the first sign of heat??
    http://www.winingandironing.wordpress

    Hey! Welcome Wendz! Now……I do not feel sorry for you and your South African ‘winter’. I’m sorry, but as a Canadian, I always win during a ‘I’m so cold, it’s winter’ conversation.
    I am enjoying the sun, as now the heat wave has broke, and I even have burnt shoulders to prove it!

  17. Oh, sorry Talea, ’bout the humid-nightmare-inducing-Canada-heat right now. I’ll enjoy a popsickle, a lemon or grape one, perhaps, thinking of your “irritatedness”. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Haha, you do that. Don’t get brain freeze!

  18. I’d would like to order some posters of your Hot Days Rules to post around my city. I’d add one for the guys though– if you look down and can’t see your feet because your beer gut’s in the way, NO wife beater tees and NO being shirtless allowed, or Talea will flick a lit cigarette butt at you.

    Absolutely. Or maybe — if more than 30% of your chest/back/gut is covered in hair, you absolutely must cover that shit up with a shirt. Or obviously, you will have a lit cigarette butt flicked at you.

  19. Hi Talea – watch out you don’t get sun-stoke doll!! We had a stunning sunny ‘winter’ day today … thought you might like that info …. hope you enjoyed your weekend.
    http://www.winingandironing.wordpress.com

    Harumph. When it’s sunny here during winter, we get snow blindness. The sun bounces off the white white snow and you’re literally blinded.
    Stupid Canadian winters……why the hell do I still live in this place??

  20. karmental said:

    I think we got your weather here in MN too. It’s finally been nice enough to wear shorts and go outside without a parka and now I’m bitching about it. My problem is that my husband keeps it so cold in our house that I freeze all the time. When I do go outside, I’m dressed for winter and find myself sweaty, miserable, and looking like a total idiot in my pants and sweater when its hotter than hell out.

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