We recently acquired the newest Guitar Hero release……..the AEROSMITH one.
There was no question whether or not this would find it’s way into our house. I worship Aerosmith. Most importantly, I am madly in love with Steven Tyler and want to have his babies, but that’s a whole other blog post. It’d probably also involve Vin Diesel and Ed Harris. Yeah. Ed Harris. Is there something wrong with that?
Nope. Nothing wrong with that.
Anyhow, back to Guitar Hero. I love Guitar Hero. It’s tons of fun and provides for many heckling opportunities. It’s even better when alcohol is factored into the equation. What could be more fun than classic rock tunes, friends, plastic guitars, booze and a fake sense of stardom? Not much.
Until you throw in…….the boyfriend.
The boyfriend is truly a rarity when it comes to the world of Guitar Hero. In that he sucks so bad at it. He seems unphased by this fact. He’s aware of it, but cares not.
First off, Guitar Hero will make anybody dance. Even myself and the boyfriend. You can’t help it. If you don’t dance along, you’ll get booed off the stage, cuz you won’t be into it and you’ll miss all the notes. The boyfriend isn’t immune to this magical spell of Guitar Hero. But he doesn’t dance, he sort of….bops. There’s slight bending of the knees in a rather jerky manner. If he’s really into it, he’ll go back and forth, shifting his weight from one leg to the other.
If you know the boyfriend, you can see why this is so hilarious. He’s just as serious looking as I am. He’s not one to ‘let loose’. If you don’t know the boyfriend, you may not see the humour. So I present another factor……the fact that his tongue is plastered to the side of his face throughout each song. He sticks out his tongue, to the left, always to the left and curls it up.
So we have jerky knee bouncing, random side-swaying, and a permanently stuck out tongue, like one of those dogs that always have them stuck to the side.
Now, the boyfriend apparently has no hand-eye coordination whatsoever. I didn’t realize this really until this game came out. He can’t hit a note for his life. But he tries over and over and over, bless his heart. He really brutalizes the songs. It breaks my heart to hear Aerosmith mangled so wrecklessly. Poor Steven. And whoever the hell else is in his band. Whatevs, I concern myself only with Steven. The boyfriend claims to have an affliction he terms ‘the claw’, which prevents him from hitting anything other than the green and red keys. Or hitting any two keys at the same time. Or hitting any two keys that aren’t beside each other in succession. Or hitting any notes really quickly after one another. Or….you get the idea.
So he plays his own little tune, full of the clinks, clunks, feedback and silence that Guitar Hero feeds you when you miss your note. The songs are unrecognizable, but the laughter you get from watching and listening to this is unlike anything else out there.
When he quits, he insists on reliving each song. He’ll tell you how he almost hit that riff, and how the guitar was rubbing against his wrist, so all the blue notes were out. He claims to have ‘overplayed his ability’. You see, he simply kept on rocking out for too long and just started sucking.
Then while I laugh at his lame ass, he’s all, “It’s a hard song! You couldn’t do it either!”
Which is total crap. Cuz I’m the original Guitar Hero. No lies, I RULE at that game.
As long as it isn’t on anything above medium. Cuz once you have to start playing with the orange key, I’m totally fucked.
Stupid orange button.