I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

The boyfriend was making supper today and realized we were out of pasta sauce. So I moaned and groaned and braved the rain outside for a whole half a block and went to the store to grab some.

I was annoyed, cuz it’s Sunday and the store actually in my building was closed, so I had to walk about 48 steps further to the corner. While I cursed the fact it was Sunday, my relatives popped into my head. They live in the middle of nowhere (seriously, they have NO POSTAL CODE) and I was bitching about going next door to get my sauce.

I realized then how damned lucky I was to not live in the country. Then I started thinking about what a train wreck that would be. Here’s the reasons I couldn’t live in the country:

  • BUGS. The city tends to not have bugs. I don’t know, maybe there’s some trucks that drive around in the middle of the night and suck them up. I don’t care, I’m just glad they stay out in the ‘burbs and the country. I hate bugs, especially ones that fly.
  • THE DARK. I accept that I have not seen the night sky in years and years and years, with a few blips here and there. I stay in places that have street lights and neon signs lighting my way 24 hours a day and that’s the way I like it. Boogiemen and souleaters live in the dark you know. I don’t need to be running into any of that shit. Yeesh. When I am out in the country, I’m astonished each time at how fucking DARK it gets. You can’t see anything! People didn’t invent lightbulbs for nothing, and I will worship their fake glow every single evening.
  • SAFETY. For some reason, serial killers have a real penchant for dark, quiet country roads. I do not need to be the house that they take notice of, during one of their late night drives. When Freddie Kreuger comes after me in the city, I can run a block and scream like hell and surely, someone will notice and Freddie will be forced to fuck off. In the country, when I run and scream, the only thing that’ll happen is the deer will look at me and an owl might hoot at me. Then I’ll fall down cuz I’m out of shape and be hacked to bits. And nobody will find me. The country is BIG dude! Anyways, my body will be devoured by all the fucking bugs out there (refer to bullet point #1). No thank you.
  • COFFEE: I make the world’s worst coffee. It does not matter if I have a fancy assed espresso machine, a good old Black and Decker 12-cup special, or a french press, I will screw it up. I will make either coloured water or toxic sludge. Therefore, it’s vital that I have coffee nearby that someone else is making for me. Unless I’m trekking to my neighbour’s, this isn’t an option in the country. Living without caffeine is also not an option, meaning the country would not work for me. Just ask this guy, I made him my bestest coffee….he didn’t finish it.
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  • CAR: From what I hear, there’s no subway or streetcars out in those wide open spaces. If I wanted to get anywhere beyond my property line, it’d require a car. I’ve owned two cars. And now that I don’t, I do NOT miss them. Cars mean I have to be awake and alert to drive them. I can stumble onto the subway half asleep and still drunk from the night before and not have to worry. Cars mean gas, maintenance, car washing, parking, oil changes, lease payments, insurance and traffic. On the subway, I sit down and pull out my knitting, a book, a crossword or just close my eyes and have a nice little nap. And can we talk about driving in the winter?? Uh, hells no. Unless I get a sled and a bunch of huskies, I’d be staying at home for 6 months of the year.
  • WATER: Here in Toronto, when I turn on the tap, water comes out. It’ll keep coming and coming and coming and I don’t have to be concerned about it. In the country, there’s no water pipes under the houses. You have to call a truck that hauls water out and fills up your tank. Every time you use your water, you have to make sure to not run out. Granted, some folks may have a well, but I’m not in to well-water. What if the water truck gets snowed out? Then I’m stuck high and dry.
  • THE OTHER WATER: Dirty water. Yeah. Septic tank. Enough said. Here in the city, I flush and I never think about it again. Out there, I’d have to call the honey truck in and get it sucked out. Blech.http://iwim.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/septic-tank.jpeg
  • DIAL UP: The cables don’t run out to the middle of nowhere. Did you know that in 2008, I have relatives who live in the country and can’t get cable internet? They have Dial up!!!! I have not had dial up since 1998 and I do not plan on going back.
  • GETTING ANYTHING: Need milk? Really want some Thai food? Want to rent a movie? Run out of eggs? Just blow a hole through your pants? Well my country friend, you are shit out of luck as us city folks would say. Too bad for you. For me in my downtown, I can get any of those in the next 15 minutes, tops. I won’t accept the reality that I might have to go far to get something. That isn’t okay with me.
  • ISOLATION: I’m a loner by choice. But being by yourself with nobody around all the time would be too much, even for me.
  • BRIDGE BURNING: People don’t like me. I tend to make a rough first impression with my quietness and slightly angry looking face. In the city, I don’t care if they don’t like me, I’ll never see them again. I doubt I can burn 5 million bridges even if I try. However, what if my new country folk neighbours don’t take a liking to me? Or I mouth off at them? I’ll probably need some support system out there in the wilderness and if I piss them off, they might not respond when a bear is eating me in their driveway.
  • DIRT AND GARBAGE: The country seems dirty to me. I am in no way a germaphobe, I’m talking more about dirt. So much dust. Not my scene. Plus, there’s always just crap scattered around beyond city limits. Old cars and worn out stoves just seem to die in people’s front yards. They just sit there and become homes for scary critters…..OR, potential weapons for the aforementioned scary killer types….they could rip off a bit of rusted metal and kill me. The ambulance would take forever to get out there and we’ve already determined my neighbours aren’t even going to lend me a band-aid. Bad scene….bad scene. Plus, rusted out old cars and outdated appliances in front years are not classy at ALL.

Okay, so I’m done now.

I’d like to say at this point that I know that some people who are reading this may be sitting in the country. Please don’t beat me up in the comments section. I know the country has lovely bits to it. I guess. I also know that the city can suck HARDCORE sometimes and turn even me into a homicidal angry biznatch. Feel free to make up your own ‘why cities suck’ list. I’d get a kick out of that.

But good luck uploading photos of our traffic with your slow dial up, suckers!


Comments on: "Country Living = Not for Talea" (16)

  1. maleesha said:

    Oh my GOD. This post made me snort several times. I am almost ready to move back to DC after reading it.

    …almost. I DO miss my Thai food like crazy. I miss the anonymity that the East Coast in general has to offer. I can tell you what my husband misses…sports news. Here they give really good coverage (with poor sound quality) to high school sports. He is in a version of hell because of this. ๐Ÿ˜€

    I aim to cause snorts. I love the anonymity of the city.

  2. A fun read in all, but…

    “But good luck uploading photos of our traffic with your slow dial up, suckers!”

    …a really awesome closer. ๐Ÿ˜›

    Ha, it came to me in a stroke of genius. I am quite smitten with it as well.

  3. […] bugs seem to be on a lot of people’s minds.ย  Talea’s recent post about not being cut out for country living had me in stiches, mostly because I can so relate to the paragraph about hating bugs.ย  And […]

  4. Ha ha ha! ๐Ÿ˜† This post made me LOL.

    I grew up in the country, and I have to say that while I do disagree on some points, you really hit it on the head in others!

    One thing I have always missed since moving, however, is well water. I guess I took for granted being able to get cold, clean, fresh water directly from the faucet. Now we have to filter it, and still it doesn’t taste as good.

    I’m still much more country than you though, and can’t imagine not owning a car or living in a building that has a store in it!

    I’m so scared of well water. I don’t trust it to just come out of the ground and be okay.
    I used to not be able to imagine having a car, but now that I’ve given it up for the last three years, I don’t want that hassle back in my life at ALL.

  5. “Run out of eggs? Just blow a hole through your pants? “…..

    ….hahahaha, I hate when I blow holes through my pants!!! LMAO ๐Ÿ™‚ ….some funny shit here girl, actually lots and lots of it…and I loved how you tied in the serial killer and bugs bullet-point, you must’ve written really good essays in university ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Ha, I went to work a few months ago with a hole in my pants. I had to staple them together and move slowly for the rest of the day.
    I was the essay queen, you are correct. I once wrote an essay comparing someone’s theory of something or another to George Jetson. I honestly don’t remember anything expect the George Jetson bit and thought that was worth mentioning. Hehehehe.

  6. Funny post Talea! I’m so glad that you didn’t mention plants and gardening anywhere. Guess you really do like that thing about the country. I hate cities myself, and could never live in one again. Not to say that I don’t have fond memories of some cities where I’ve lived in the past. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Plants will NEVER make my black list. Except maybe cacti or poison ivy. But so far, we haven’t crossed paths as of yet.

  7. Ok Talea, I don’t know if my opinion really counts on this. I did live in Philly as a child, but not the downtown area, and no subway I don’t think, just busses and shit. But I was eight when I moved, so my memories of city life are a little distorted from time. I have lived in Raleigh, and here in a small suburban town in Garner, and also out in the middle of the country on the edge of the county, so I have a bit of a mix in there.

    Allowing that I have no adult experience of living in a big city like Toronto, I would say living in the country near a small city is the best. I don’t mind the bugs, or the serial killers. I like nature, a lot. And i like not being too close to my neighbors, so I can have bonfire parties and shoot guns and whatnot. Well water is fine, but most of our county has water piped into the houses, so that’s not much of an issue. We get high speed internet, even out in the sticks. It’s called technology, and it’s developing fast. I would say the city seems dirty to me, at least what I’ve seen of cities. New York, DC, Richmond, Atlanta, Miami, they all have trash everywhere. The country may have dirt and some broke down stuff in the yard, but it’s so clean and green and beautiful everywhere.

    I do think it would be awesome though to have a store downstairs. I think it would be cool to have so much right at your fingertips. I think the main thing for me is that I could be happy anywhere as long as I had cool people to hang out with. And there are cool people in the country and the city, so I’m just gonna float wherever life takes me and try to enjoy the ride.

    One last thing, there’s a lot more hot chicks in the city. There are some smokin women in the country too, but seeing as how there are more chicks in general in the city, there end up being more hot ones, so that’s a plus.

  8. Josh is right, you really want to be in a relationship if you live in the country.

    I hate the city because I grew up at the edge of a small town. I miss the quiet. I miss having neighbours who gave a shit and were friendly. I also miss the stars, the birds and all that. But I don’t miss shoveling my way to work every day through giant drifts.

    I miss the quiet all the time. I adore silence. I don’t miss having neighbours who cared though, cuz in the city I don’t need to rely on them and frankly I prefer anonymity. I don’t like small talk.
    Yeah, ask me the last time I picked up a shovel. Ahhhh, city living. Someone else will do it for me!

  9. I am a born and bred Toronto brat and as much as I love the middle of nowhere, I can’t last longer than 4 years outside of Toronto. Neither can Chris, we just keep coming back. When we make pro and con lists and talk it out, we always decide it makes more sense for us to go back to nowhere, but we just can’t do it.

    Read: No emergency epidurals. Yeah right!!

    I say this mere days from going to the middle of nowhere for a week or more and when I get back I will want to move. It’ll only last for a couple of weeks and I’ll snap out of it. ๐Ÿ˜›

    I don’t know that I could leave here for 4 years at this point. That statement is SHOCKING, since I was adamant that I was on the next plane out of Ontario the second I had my degree in my hand. Sigh…three years later and here I am.
    Cities are so much more convenient. And I am truly in love with Toronto. Most days. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  10. I’m a country girl, and it works for me, but to each his own.

    And yeah, I just got high speed earlier this year. It’s strange not to worry if someone’s trying to call when I’m blogging.

    Ha, that’s adorable Alyson. I remember when people would call, I’d get kicked offline back in the day and it would piss me off SO much.

  11. “Iโ€™ll probably need some support system out there in the wilderness and if I piss them off, they might not respond when a bear is eating me in their driveway”. If you truly love thy neighbor, please offer assistance in case of spontaneous bear attacks.

    Hi Talea, I’m Duffboy, this user belongs to a fanzine project I’m an editor for.

    Yes and my concern is that my neighbours won’t love me. I’d have to carry around some bear mace if I ever ventured into the country.

  12. My bad, had already logged out from the other user.

  13. joebecca said:

    hi gorgeous!!

    I agree totally with you on country living. Surely, I thought everyone knew that serial killers and other bad bad things only go for the country bumpkin types… lets see :

    Texas Chainsaw Massacre-kids lost in the country
    Friday the 13th- stupid kids camping in the country
    Wrong Turn- crazy mutants going after stupid kids in the country
    Cabin Fever- crazy flesh eating bacteria at a cabin where? yes, you get my point….

    Hey Reg!
    I know, right?! Everyone thinks the country is so peaceful and lovely, but don’t they know it’s just littered with crazies and chopped up bodies??
    At least if someone chops me up in Toronto, I’ll be found relatively quickly.
    Damn scary country….

  14. OMG loved this post ๐Ÿ™‚

    Hey, I try. Thanks!

  15. If I lived in the country I think I would end up being scared to leave the house at night. You are so right about the serial killers, and there is nothing like the pitch blackness of country night to give me heart palpitations.

    Every noise would be a murderer in my backyard. I would die of a heart attack by the age of 30, I almost guarantee it.
    I’m glad I’m not alone in my paranoia.

  16. This is very funny! My fantasy during college was to get my first job in a cool city, no need for a car, take advantage of the exciting life – always something going on at all hours… Somehow, I got sidetracked – but I loved this post and it reminded me of the life I thought I wanted. once. I don’t live quite in the country but it can feel like hicksville and it takes too long on busy highways to get anywhere.

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