The boyfriend was making supper today and realized we were out of pasta sauce. So I moaned and groaned and braved the rain outside for a whole half a block and went to the store to grab some.
I was annoyed, cuz it’s Sunday and the store actually in my building was closed, so I had to walk about 48 steps further to the corner. While I cursed the fact it was Sunday, my relatives popped into my head. They live in the middle of nowhere (seriously, they have NO POSTAL CODE) and I was bitching about going next door to get my sauce.
I realized then how damned lucky I was to not live in the country. Then I started thinking about what a train wreck that would be. Here’s the reasons I couldn’t live in the country:
- BUGS. The city tends to not have bugs. I don’t know, maybe there’s some trucks that drive around in the middle of the night and suck them up. I don’t care, I’m just glad they stay out in the ‘burbs and the country. I hate bugs, especially ones that fly.
- THE DARK. I accept that I have not seen the night sky in years and years and years, with a few blips here and there. I stay in places that have street lights and neon signs lighting my way 24 hours a day and that’s the way I like it. Boogiemen and souleaters live in the dark you know. I don’t need to be running into any of that shit. Yeesh. When I am out in the country, I’m astonished each time at how fucking DARK it gets. You can’t see anything! People didn’t invent lightbulbs for nothing, and I will worship their fake glow every single evening.
- SAFETY. For some reason, serial killers have a real penchant for dark, quiet country roads. I do not need to be the house that they take notice of, during one of their late night drives. When Freddie Kreuger comes after me in the city, I can run a block and scream like hell and surely, someone will notice and Freddie will be forced to fuck off. In the country, when I run and scream, the only thing that’ll happen is the deer will look at me and an owl might hoot at me. Then I’ll fall down cuz I’m out of shape and be hacked to bits. And nobody will find me. The country is BIG dude! Anyways, my body will be devoured by all the fucking bugs out there (refer to bullet point #1). No thank you.
- COFFEE: I make the world’s worst coffee. It does not matter if I have a fancy assed espresso machine, a good old Black and Decker 12-cup special, or a french press, I will screw it up. I will make either coloured water or toxic sludge. Therefore, it’s vital that I have coffee nearby that someone else is making for me. Unless I’m trekking to my neighbour’s, this isn’t an option in the country. Living without caffeine is also not an option, meaning the country would not work for me. Just ask this guy, I made him my bestest coffee….he didn’t finish it.
- CAR: From what I hear, there’s no subway or streetcars out in those wide open spaces. If I wanted to get anywhere beyond my property line, it’d require a car. I’ve owned two cars. And now that I don’t, I do NOT miss them. Cars mean I have to be awake and alert to drive them. I can stumble onto the subway half asleep and still drunk from the night before and not have to worry. Cars mean gas, maintenance, car washing, parking, oil changes, lease payments, insurance and traffic. On the subway, I sit down and pull out my knitting, a book, a crossword or just close my eyes and have a nice little nap. And can we talk about driving in the winter?? Uh, hells no. Unless I get a sled and a bunch of huskies, I’d be staying at home for 6 months of the year.
- WATER: Here in Toronto, when I turn on the tap, water comes out. It’ll keep coming and coming and coming and I don’t have to be concerned about it. In the country, there’s no water pipes under the houses. You have to call a truck that hauls water out and fills up your tank. Every time you use your water, you have to make sure to not run out. Granted, some folks may have a well, but I’m not in to well-water. What if the water truck gets snowed out? Then I’m stuck high and dry.
- THE OTHER WATER: Dirty water. Yeah. Septic tank. Enough said. Here in the city, I flush and I never think about it again. Out there, I’d have to call the honey truck in and get it sucked out. Blech.
- DIAL UP: The cables don’t run out to the middle of nowhere. Did you know that in 2008, I have relatives who live in the country and can’t get cable internet? They have Dial up!!!! I have not had dial up since 1998 and I do not plan on going back.
- GETTING ANYTHING: Need milk? Really want some Thai food? Want to rent a movie? Run out of eggs? Just blow a hole through your pants? Well my country friend, you are shit out of luck as us city folks would say. Too bad for you. For me in my downtown, I can get any of those in the next 15 minutes, tops. I won’t accept the reality that I might have to go far to get something. That isn’t okay with me.
- ISOLATION: I’m a loner by choice. But being by yourself with nobody around all the time would be too much, even for me.
- BRIDGE BURNING: People don’t like me. I tend to make a rough first impression with my quietness and slightly angry looking face. In the city, I don’t care if they don’t like me, I’ll never see them again. I doubt I can burn 5 million bridges even if I try. However, what if my new country folk neighbours don’t take a liking to me? Or I mouth off at them? I’ll probably need some support system out there in the wilderness and if I piss them off, they might not respond when a bear is eating me in their driveway.
- DIRT AND GARBAGE: The country seems dirty to me. I am in no way a germaphobe, I’m talking more about dirt. So much dust. Not my scene. Plus, there’s always just crap scattered around beyond city limits. Old cars and worn out stoves just seem to die in people’s front yards. They just sit there and become homes for scary critters…..OR, potential weapons for the aforementioned scary killer types….they could rip off a bit of rusted metal and kill me. The ambulance would take forever to get out there and we’ve already determined my neighbours aren’t even going to lend me a band-aid. Bad scene….bad scene. Plus, rusted out old cars and outdated appliances in front years are not classy at ALL.
Okay, so I’m done now.
I’d like to say at this point that I know that some people who are reading this may be sitting in the country. Please don’t beat me up in the comments section. I know the country has lovely bits to it. I guess. I also know that the city can suck HARDCORE sometimes and turn even me into a homicidal angry biznatch. Feel free to make up your own ‘why cities suck’ list. I’d get a kick out of that.
But good luck uploading photos of our traffic with your slow dial up, suckers!