I have a general philosophy for many things in my life. You’ll laugh at it and roll your eyes, but I”m telling you, it will work 80-85% of the time. This strategy is to just IGNORE IT. Ignore what? Who knows. Anything. Except bills, you can’t ignore those or you’ll get fucked every time.
Is the photocopier at work not working and people expect you to fix it? Fuck that, fixing is for wankers. IGNORE IT! Tell people who harass you about it that you’ve tried, that you rejiggled the bobulator, you reconfigured the settings, you opened and reopened drawers, restarted it and gosh golly darn, nothing worked! But don’t worry! I’ve called the tech guy! (Note: at this point, you totally won’t have called the tech guy, cuz the tech guy is a dick and won’t do anything else that you can’t do). They’ll be okay with that and you can go back to ignoring it. Tomorrow it has an 80-85% chance of working. And you’ll look good, cuz you fixed it by being diligent enough to give ‘er another go before tech guy showed up.
Did you send an email to the wrong person that they shouldn’t have gotten? Don’t send a quick follow up explaining how you were momentarily held hostage by angry Colombian rebels who had a beef to pick and were too chickenshit to send the email from their account, so forced you to write it and send it, thereby attaching all blame to you. No, no. Don’t do that. IGNORE IT!! You’ve got an 80-85% chance of never hearing from the email recipient. They’re too embarassed to respond, I’m telling you. Do you really want to call someone up and be like, ‘You think i’m a big stupidface?’ ‘Yes, yes I do’ ‘Oh. Well then. You smell.’ Come onnnnn, it won’t happen. Just never speak of it again.
Get to work and realize you’re wearing a shirt with an inappropriate stain on it? Don’t go out of your way to try and cover it up or position yourself so it’s not so obvious when you speak to people. They’re never going to come out and say, ‘Hey, is that….um……you know….on your shirt?’ Of course they won’t! Just IGNORE IT. Again, there’s only a 15-20% chance they’ll point it out or ask. At which point, you can just be all, “yeah, thaaaat’s inappropriate! but it was fun!” Then awkward silence will ensue, but hey, they’re suffering awkward silence. You’re suffering awkward silence and reliving some fun sexual times. You win.
Did someone leave you an angry voicemail? Email? Want you to do something, but had to deliver the message through an electronic forum and never actually spoke to you? Lucky you, you can IGNORE IT! I’m telling you, they probably won’t call back. Anger subsides. If they really want something done, they’ll do it themselves and won’t bother with you again. If they DO call back, just blame it on old Alexander Graham Bell or Bill Gates. Fuckers!
They can’t even make technology that works?! Isn’t this 2008? Oh my GOD! (Act seriously outraged or apologetic, they’ll want to stop your internal meltdown and apologize that they didn’t follow up sooner, thereby taking all blame off of you). Listen to what they want (chances are their demands will have downgraded over time) and then assure them in your best grown-up voice that you’ll get right on that! Works like a charm. Once again, mutter about your stupid computer. It adds validity to your story.
Swear in church? Well. Don’t panic. Everyone gets one ‘whoops’. Don’t launch into a prayer apologizing your sinner face off. IGNORE IT. If you launch, you’ll be all, “I’m SO sorry I said motherfucking whore in church! Oh God! I said it again! Oh shit, was that blasphemy? Oh, fuck…DAMMIT!” When you do that, you’ll start freaking out because now you’ve totally outworn your first strike allowance. If you ignore it, you won’t repeat it. You know how when you tell yourself not to think of something it’s all you think about? Same deal. But this time, we’re talking important stuff here. Seriously, ignore yourself.
Get a parking ticket and don’t want to pay it? It was probably total bullshit anyways, they have quotas to reach and you were the first car they saw as they felt their deadline looming. IGNORE IT. They’ll send you follow up letters, absolutely. But there’s an 80-85% chance they’ll lose it somewhere in the system. They want you to pay, but they’re not going to waste two years and hundreds of dollars chasing you down for $26 cuz you got a bit too snuggly with a fire hydrant. Trust me, I’ve ignored SO many tickets and never had to pay a single damned one.
This is getting a bit wordy, so I’ll leave it at that. I think you’ve probably gotten the idea. Remember, 80-85% are good odds. Don’t believe me? Ask Emerald. She’s seen me pull this off millions of times….ignore it and it’ll fix itself. Just don’t ignore me, cuz I’m right. Always.