I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

I have a general philosophy for many things in my life. You’ll laugh at it and roll your eyes, but I”m telling you, it will work 80-85% of the time. This strategy is to just IGNORE IT. Ignore what? Who knows. Anything. Except bills, you can’t ignore those or you’ll get fucked every time.

http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/EPH/7724~Please-Don-t-Interrupt-Me-While-I-m-Ignoring-You-Posters.jpg

Is the photocopier at work not working and people expect you to fix it? Fuck that, fixing is for wankers. IGNORE IT! Tell people who harass you about it that you’ve tried, that you rejiggled the bobulator, you reconfigured the settings, you opened and reopened drawers, restarted it and gosh golly darn, nothing worked! But don’t worry! I’ve called the tech guy! (Note: at this point, you totally won’t have called the tech guy, cuz the tech guy is a dick and won’t do anything else that you can’t do). They’ll be okay with that and you can go back to ignoring it. Tomorrow it has an 80-85% chance of working. And you’ll look good, cuz you fixed it by being diligent enough to give ‘er another go before tech guy showed up.

Did you send an email to the wrong person that they shouldn’t have gotten? Don’t send a quick follow up explaining how you were momentarily held hostage by angry Colombian rebels who had a beef to pick and were too chickenshit to send the email from their account, so forced you to write it and send it, thereby attaching all blame to you. No, no. Don’t do that. IGNORE IT!! You’ve got an 80-85% chance of never hearing from the email recipient. They’re too embarassed to respond, I’m telling you. Do you really want to call someone up and be like, ‘You think i’m a big stupidface?’ ‘Yes, yes I do’ ‘Oh. Well then. You smell.’ Come onnnnn, it won’t happen. Just never speak of it again.

Get to work and realize you’re wearing a shirt with an inappropriate stain on it? Don’t go out of your way to try and cover it up or position yourself so it’s not so obvious when you speak to people. They’re never going to come out and say, ‘Hey, is that….um……you know….on your shirt?’ Of course they won’t! Just IGNORE IT. Again, there’s only a 15-20% chance they’ll point it out or ask. At which point, you can just be all, “yeah, thaaaat’s inappropriate! but it was fun!” Then awkward silence will ensue, but hey, they’re suffering awkward silence. You’re suffering awkward silence and reliving some fun sexual times. You win.

Did someone leave you an angry voicemail? Email? Want you to do something, but had to deliver the message through an electronic forum and never actually spoke to you? Lucky you, you can IGNORE IT! I’m telling you, they probably won’t call back. Anger subsides. If they really want something done, they’ll do it themselves and won’t bother with you again. If they DO call back, just blame it on old Alexander Graham Bell or Bill Gates. Fuckers!

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They can’t even make technology that works?! Isn’t this 2008? Oh my GOD! (Act seriously outraged or apologetic, they’ll want to stop your internal meltdown and apologize that they didn’t follow up sooner, thereby taking all blame off of you). Listen to what they want (chances are their demands will have downgraded over time) and then assure them in your best grown-up voice that you’ll get right on that! Works like a charm. Once again, mutter about your stupid computer. It adds validity to your story.

Swear in church? Well. Don’t panic. Everyone gets one ‘whoops’. Don’t launch into a prayer apologizing your sinner face off. IGNORE IT. If you launch, you’ll be all, “I’m SO sorry I said motherfucking whore in church! Oh God! I said it again! Oh shit, was that blasphemy? Oh, fuck…DAMMIT!” When you do that, you’ll start freaking out because now you’ve totally outworn your first strike allowance. If you ignore it, you won’t repeat it. You know how when you tell yourself not to think of something it’s all you think about? Same deal. But this time, we’re talking important stuff here. Seriously, ignore yourself.

Get a parking ticket and don’t want to pay it? It was probably total bullshit anyways, they have quotas to reach and you were the first car they saw as they felt their deadline looming. IGNORE IT. They’ll send you follow up letters, absolutely. But there’s an 80-85% chance they’ll lose it somewhere in the system. They want you to pay, but they’re not going to waste two years and hundreds of dollars chasing you down for $26 cuz you got a bit too snuggly with a fire hydrant. Trust me, I’ve ignored SO many tickets and never had to pay a single damned one.

This is getting a bit wordy, so I’ll leave it at that. I think you’ve probably gotten the idea. Remember, 80-85% are good odds. Don’t believe me? Ask Emerald. She’s seen me pull this off millions of times….ignore it and it’ll fix itself. Just don’t ignore me, cuz I’m right. Always.

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Comments on: "I don’t hear/feel/see/care about that!" (14)

  1. LOL i’ve had a parking ticket i’ve never paid and they’ve never bothered me about it. Sadly for my friend they kept harrasing him and took money out of his wages.

    Good post.. Just what I needed today thanks

    Yeah, I got so many of the damned things since Toronto has no room to park, they love to hand out parking tickets when you’re forced to park illegally. I ignored every single one and it’s been about 5 years. I’m pretty sure I’ve dodged them.

  2. Hahaha I needed that 🙂

    I’m glad it could put a smile on your face!

  3. Most excellent! I had to learn this shit the hard way girl! I totally ratted myself out to the big boss by explaining my “mistake” and the asshole that ranted at me for it never told on me in the first place. So, I ratted myself out! Never, ever, ever again. Now, when I screw up, I just sit and wait to see if someone calls me out on it before I panic, and even now, after reading your post – I wont panic, I’ll just IGNOR! What a hoot!

    That’s right!! Always wait to be told that you’re found out……don’t bring it up! Getting away with shit is such a fun little sneaky thing to accomplish!

  4. Ha ha, this post is way too good to ignore! I love it! I especially liked “rejiggled the bobulator”, which made me LOL. This whole post made me laugh. You are just so damn smart!

    Well I’m not just another pretty face you know! Hehehe. Yeah, I’m a pro at rejiggling things and such. You’d be shocked at how often a swift kick fixes our computer at the reception desk. The thing is a dinosaur and will start flipping out….I either ignore it, or execute physical violence. Works every time.

  5. You’d better knock on wood – you just jinxed yourself up big time by talking about this. Spin counterclockwise 3 times and point your pinky fingers northwest or somethin’.

    You’re so right Carolyn! I also did an interpretive dance to appease the karma gods. Good advice.

  6. Talea, this is some of the most brilliant advice I’ve read in a long long time. Thank you for taking the time to think this strategy out to its logical extreme.

    Your supreme indifference is truly inspirational!

    signed,

    The Tech Guy

    David, when I read ‘signed, The Tech Guy’ I about pissed myself laughing. You’ve got a good sense of humour my friend! Almost identical to mine it seems!
    It is a logical strategy though. Things will work themselves out, the world keeps spinning whether you pay attention or not. It’s all part of the chaos theory really, stuff keeps happening and it’ll usually happen in a way to keep itself going. If that makes sense, i suspect it doesn’t.

  7. This was excellent. I love people who don’t give a fuck, it’s a philosophy I myself try to adhere to. My favorite reference was the “you rejiggled the bobulator” because it describes so many things pefectly.

    I have to disagree about not hearing from the person who received the wrong email, however. In my case I did hear from the person — by telephone — and it was very ugly. Words were said, dirty laundry was drudged up, tears shed, and accusations were hurled. All in all it was a traumatic-but-satisfying experience. Now we never have to hear from that part of the family again, so I guess it all worked out for the best!

    Thanks Wendy, I used to ‘care’ about ‘stuff’. But ever since I stopped, life has gotten exponentially simpler and more enjoyable. I’m glad you agree with my philosophy.
    Hey, I’ve cut off branches of the old family tree too, I’m just sorry yours put up such a fight.
    In my case, I sent an email about my boss (not a glowing one either) to my her boss. I freaked, but he emailed me back agreeing with me (she was fired about 2 months later…mahahahha). I also sent an instant message intended for emerald to a girl who was being transferred to our centre about how useless this girl was. She ignored it, as did I, but there was also a good amount of tension until she quit….

  8. I use this philosophy with my cellphone all the time. I’ve assigned everyone a certain ring, so when I hear the “normal” ring I just ignore it. If you’re not on the preferred caller list you’re not getting through. If you really want to talk to me you’ll leave a message full of details, or you’ll never hear from me… ever. 😉

    Ha, it is a rare day indeed when I actually pick up my cell phone. It actually really irks people. I don’t see the big deal, I’m a loner and make no attempt to hide that when I meet people. I don’t understand why they MUST talk to me right now and just cuz its ringing doesn’t mean I have to dash across the room to pick up.
    I’m with you on the ignoring the phone thing. Even when people leave me messages, I never pick them up. Ha.

  9. Oh wow, I love sweeping stuff under the rug via that “bitch” of technology that you can never rely on…in addition to ignoring stuff, I also use that as a crutch when I know I’m not going to get a project done: “Man, my computer has been freezing up like ALL day! It takes me 10 minutes just to save a file! So I’ll get that report to you next week” (….then goes for a break to Starbucks)…

    HA…HA…HA

    🙂

  10. They shall call you Talea, The Ultimate Procastinator, she whom will ignore it till it bleeds (then, ignore it some more!).

  11. Photocopier: check

    Numerous tasks assigned by former tool-of-a-boss: check

    My nagging mental health: check

    That bitch who was pissed about the videoconference: check

    Immigration laws: …shit

    My broken stove: check

    Malfunctioning doors: check

    Complaints about temperature in office: check

    “Particular” clients latest bitchfest: check

    That cow we used to work with (may be used in reference to more than one cow): check

    We make a good team 😀

  12. sound advice! i ignore my phone, the doorbell, chain-e-mails, and much, much more! my life is all the better for it. 🙂

  13. BTW, the Tech Manual doesn’t explain how to properly rejiggle the bobulator, at least not for the Konica bizhub 250. So I’m going to have to escalate this case to Tier 2.

    Your Help Request Ticket number is ∞ Please mention this number when inquiring about the status of your case. In case of nausea, contact your system administrator.

    Please consider the environment before making a photocopy of this comment ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

  14. Your blog is interesting!

    Keep up the good work!

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