I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

It’s back! Our once every fourth year friend who drops in like that annoying person that you know from high school who thinks you mean it when you say ‘call me if you’re in town’ and then they do and you really don’t want to see them, but what the hell it’s only once every four years and goddammit you need caffeine so badly you’re willing to go and get it in their company? Yep…the Olympics!

Well, maybe that description of annoying high school friend doesn’t make any sense. But regardless, the summer olympics are upon us yet again, in Beijing, China.

They seem to share the same theme as Athens. Though both cities didn’t go with the theme outwardly, it’s been the overriding topic of conversation for both sets of games: Smog. It’s kind of a funny joke, really. Take the most pristine athletes in the world, dangle their dreams in front of them and them suffocate them en masse! And we, the lazies of the world, get to watch and laugh, in our air conditioned, smogless apartments, only an arms length away from our wine.

Regardless of the themes that they choose, all the games are the same. We get to hear little bio’s of how this random kayaker made it to the games after running over a mentally retarded goose in the rurals of Peru, which launched her into an incredible depression, leading her to eat over twice her body weight in chocolate every month. After her massive obesity threatened her life, she started therapy and picked up kayaking in the vain hopes that while on the water, she could see a goose and knock the dumb thing with her paddle. Then bam, she got good and here she is, supported by her fellow Peruvians. Or some such thing.

So they pull at our heart strings and then we watch them. We watch them jump over long pits of sand, throw themselves off of 10m platforms into a pool, chuck heavy things far away, skimp around in bikinis, shoot some hoops and do their best imitations of fish. We gasp as they tumble and flip, run and jump and complete things that we could only ever dream of forcing our bodies to do.

For most of the athletes, it’s incredible that they’ve devoted their lives to one sport. I’m sure the training involved is something I cannot even begin to comprehend, the dedication is worthy in and of itself. But then there’s some sports I just don’t get.

Like shooting. This is a sport? Really? Like, seriously? But, um, I don’t get it. So, you stand there and go ‘Pull!’ and someone does something and you shoot a skeet (?) whilst standing still. Now, I don’t deny there is skill in that. But I wouldn’t necessarily classify it as athletic skill. Drunk people can shoot things. I’m just saying.

Ping pong. Now, come on. You know that the person who fought for this to get included into the games was that nerd in high school who was also fascinated with badminton (which I won’t badmouth, I do see them running around in a modified tennis fashion, but come on…shuttlecock?) and wanted the last laugh between him and his bullies. Sure, again, ping pong is hard. I suck at it personally. It’s a skill. But it’s more of a thing to do when you’ve grown bored of the Xbox, not something you drive yourself to the arena for at 4 AM for your hardcore training.

Archery. Again, you’re standing still. This immediately disqualifies you in my books from being considered an athlete. You probably have to use your abs to stabilize yourself when you pull back the arrow, but that’s a fucking stretch.

Now before you think I’m just lazy and bitter, I’ll qualify all my jesting with the fact that I was in ballet for 13 years. I was in the studio for 7 days a week, contorting my legs into places they just didn’t want to go and defying gravity and common sense. I stood on my toes for crying out loud. My dance career ended pretty soon after I tore both of my quads because my pointe shoes fit incorrectly and instead of my shoes doing their job and holding me up, my quads were doing that. They weren’t very fond of it, so they decided to rip themselves to pieces so I would have to stop.

And yet, you dont see dancing as a sport. It’d be very difficult to judge, granted, since so much of it is subjective, but what’s the difference between that and the floor exercise in gymnastics? I mean, dancers are far more athletic than say, left-fielders who stand there and readjust themselves while getting a tan. But left fielders get olympic medals. First place in ball-fiddling. Hoorah.

You know who the smartest ones in the Olympics are? The ones who sit at the back of the rowing boats and just scream at their teammates who are working their asses off, propelling a boat with nothing but their own bodies. THAT person has it figured out I tell ya. I think I’d be really good at that.

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Comments on: "Time to make fun of the Olympics! Oh please, you saw this coming." (8)

  1. okay…i love diving…but sychronized diving?! what? i just watched some of that this evening and was confused. i never knew there was such a thing. sychronized swimming, yes. diving? no.

    I was watching that tonight too. I must admit, I was in love with it. I’ve always loved diving. But I will never throw myself off a 10m platform into a pool.

  2. I knew there was smog in China but I was still surprised at news images of how bad it gets. When the Olympics come to London in 2012 (Lord knows I will be leaving this blasted city before then, somehow, someway), it will look positively pristine by comparison. And London is a dirty, smelly shithole.

    As for synchronized diving… the UK media has found out that the 14 year old dude from Britain had a pop at his diving partner mid way through the competition and it’s like uproar… They’re both bitchin about each other and “friends close to them” are telling the tabloids. So childish, but amusing. It’s great to get to the Olympics, but tis still embarrassing to come last…

  3. I’m completely boycotting the Olympics. Toronto has the wherewithall to stop and say “Hey wait, let’s just double check and see if the temporary swell in tourist dollars will actually make up for what we spend on building these arenas on land that we could really use for housing” and BAM! No olympics for you! Fine, whatever, I don’t care either way if Toronto gets the Olympics or not. But then you go and give it to a country with a horrendous human rights record not to mention their environmental shennanigandery. Awesome. Nevermind the conspicuous efforts to stop the running of the torch, clearly the world agrees with whatever politically minded idiot made that call.

    Oh and yeah, ping pong? Nuh-uh.

  4. I’m afraid to ask what do you think about chess: shouldn’t it be in the Olympics? Their neurons are doing a million push-ups, aren’t they?

  5. I’m with ya. I still dont think beach volleyball should be an olympic sport. there are plenty of weirdo sports that they never talk about and never show on TV and I too think its crazy that someone dedicated their life to “underwater basket weaving.” But i guess to each their own.

    Frankly I think its hysterical that China’s trying to pull off all these things like having clean air and safe streets yet they keep getting busted. Like the fake singer at the opening ceremonies. Sheesh get over it China.

  6. I was watching our Men’s Rowing team win silver, and they were talking to the coxswain (i.e. the dude who yells) and I thought about your post. I’m sorry, but I don’t think you can do that job: they pick a little wee feller to do it. I swear, he was only 3 apples high. The husband was all “Why don’t they just find a 6 year old girl to yell at them?” I guess you want someone who’s not going to add extra weight, but still, the poor little dude must have SUCH a complex, hanging out with muscle-bound athletes all day.

  7. I rowed crew for awhile and the cox had the worst deal. She had to train with the rest of us but never got to row. What’s the point of doing all that running without actually getting to touch an oar every so often? But a bad cox could ruin it all, you really need her to know what she’s doing (or he). I never got to try because my ass was too big at the time. Yup, those boats taper towards the end and I’m definitely hourglass shaped. I seems like most coxswains get into it because they’re too small to row. So yeah, definitely complex-inducing!

  8. OMG! Loved this post…. freakin’ hilarious…and so TRUE. “They” can keep the Olympics…I’ll read blogs…(hmmm…perhaps a future Olympic event?)

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