If you’ve read this blog for any period of time, you know that I can be a bit of a….well…..I have my opinions, and I don’t keep them hidden. Yeah, that’s how I’ll put it.
I post about them a lot, cuz frankly, I think they’re funny and they seem to be well received by people who read this. They’re all true. I have a big mouth and I’m not afraid to use it.
Have I bitched out complete and utter strangers? Yes.
Have I bitched out close friends and family? Yes.
Have I kicked people on the subway? Yes.
Have I ‘accidentally’ swung my purse in a way so that it made contact with that moron beside me who can’t realize that a crowded bus is NOT a free pass to gropeville? Yes.
Have I thrown a shit fit in nearly any public place you can think of? Yes.
Do I judge absolutely everyone I meet in a matter of minutes after meeting them? Yes.
I realize that I see the world in a very black and white manner. Very few things in my mind fall into a grey area. I know that this is bad in some cases, and don’t go deluding yourself into thinking I escape from my temper tantrums unscathed. My black and white views have gotten me into trouble a few times. Nothing big, cuz I won’t actually ever throw a punch or anything like that (I might be able to beat you in a battle of wits, but I will lose in a physical fight, cuz I’ll just throw myself onto the ground, curl up and start crying……not that effective).
Having such polar opinions on things has cost me at times though. If it bothered me, I would change it, but it doesn’t, so I don’t. I have lost friends due to it. I don’t speak to my mom because of it. I’ve been placed on a few blacklists because of it. I’ve pretty much banned myself from certain venues because of it. I miss out on things because of it.
In short, I am a stubborn ass. This isn’t news to me or anyone who knows me.
Now. Allllll of that pretty much gets checked at the door as far as work is concerned. Because I am not dumb and realize I am not irreplaceable, but rather, a dime a dozen in the great scheme of things, I bite my tongue (mostly) between the hours of 8:30 and 5:00.
Am I a sweet as pie, smiley, giggly happy-go-lucky gal when there? Far from it. But I set myself up for the greatest chance of success while there. Emerald is literally my shield at work. If anybody at work wants to come talk to me to complain about something, they must physically get past her first, due to the placement of our desks. There is a good reason for this (see above). When new people enter the situation, she is very clear to point out to them that she is ‘the face’ (and yes, in that term). If they have questions, they are to speak to her. She will field the question to the appropriate person and get back to them.
She also encourages people to come back to talk to me AFTER 11 AM, for I am a multi-faceted woman, but I am not a morning person. Not. A. Morning. Person.
The general rule at work, so that we don’t have me spewing forth insults all day to clients is, ‘Don’t speak to the Talea. Speak to Emerald, who will speak to Talea for you. Kthanxbai’ (a little lolcat humour for those in the know).
Now, this setup isn’t perfect. It’s biggest downfall is that Emerald is a mobile human being. This means that she leaves her desk from time to time, leaving me open to the questions. The second flaw is that she isn’t actually my bodyguard or rule enforcer. When the shit hits the fan, it gets escalated to me. This usually involves money, a very touchy subject for all. Generally, I want their money. Generally, they don’t want to give it to me. It becomes a power struggle and we both have leverage and we both have a need for the other person to be there, so the dynamic is interesting.
I remain relatively calm during these showdowns. Usually, I am in the right and just have to wait for them to tire themselves out. Sorry dude, you signed the contract, I’ll take your money now, thanks for playing. I’m not pleasant about it, I’m strict and I don’t pussyfoot around the facts. But I’m not a cow about it either.
Thursday was a great day until about 4:00. Then. THEN. Then it alllllll fell apart. After months and months of dealing with a particular individual who is just a constant aggravation, I lost it.
It’s a long, complicated and tricky story that won’t be posted here, for the sake of me continuing to receive a paycheque every two weeks. However, suffice it to say that the situation had me very agitated.
I. Lost. My. Shit.
It was bad. Was it funny? To me it was, but I can still see that it was bad. In my black and white viewpoint, I was right and I had had it. He had crossed the line one too many times and was going to fucking hear about it. No love lost. His argument was completely irrational and entirely infuriating. It was not something that I can get away with. But I did. It was a yelling match, filled with sarcasm from me (which I ALWAYS keep hidden at work when dealing with clients), but I let it fucking fly.
Emerald sat there the whole time, doing that whole, “I’m not paying attention to this awkward argument, oh look, my fingernails are endlessly fascinating!” After the showdown ended, she informed me that she was about two seconds away from turning around and using The Mom Voice. As in, “Talea……………” Her second plan was going to be, “Talea, I love you, but you’re about to lose your job.” Either one would have jolted me back into reality and caused me to shut up. Luckily, it didn’t get to that point.
I won’t go into it further, but I will say that it drove me to drink. Em and I hit up The Red Room here in Toronto and had ourselves a jolly, drunken time. It involved wine, sangria, tons of food, lots of stumbling, a drunken shopping spree in 7-11 where we can’t remember if we actually paid for one item or not, an inappropriate and very loud discussion in the magazine aisle of said convenience store, me kicking out Emerald when she decided to get chatty in the cab while the meter was still running and then me TOTALLY stiffing the cab driver on a tip. In my head, I was giving him a monster tip. When I woke up on Friday (still hammered), I realized I had totally screwed him over but he didn’t argue because it was obvious I was wasted and arguing with drunks is always an unpredictable thing at best.
Emerald came to work on Friday and flung a very phallic shaped bottle in my face and demanded, ‘What the hell is this?’ which only threw me into a fit of laughter since I was still drunk. It was an ‘energy bullet’ drink that seemed like a phenomenal purchase about 8 hours earlier. She had no recollection of it. It was awesome.
Emerald, thank you for being ready to stop me from getting fired and thank you for allowing me to get shit faced on a work night. The last half litre of wine you ordered was totally unnecessary, but probably the best idea you’ve had in a while. I lub you.
Client, you may suck my balls. However, I will give you an iota of credit in my awesome Thursday night debauchery. But from now on, as I told you on Thursday, do not speak to me. I am done dealing with you. You have fallen onto the wrong side of the line, and unfortunately, there ain’t no way back. Thanks for playing.
As for me, I may need to take up yoga or meditation or something. Or drink gallons of ‘calm the fuck down’ tea. But whoever sells it to me better try to screw me over. Maybe the best plan would be to bring Emerald with me. Ahem.