I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

If you’ve read this blog for any period of time, you know that I can be a bit of a….well…..I have my opinions, and I don’t keep them hidden. Yeah, that’s how I’ll put it.

I post about them a lot, cuz frankly, I think they’re funny and they seem to be well received by people who read this. They’re all true. I have a big mouth and I’m not afraid to use it.

Have I bitched out complete and utter strangers? Yes.

Have I bitched out close friends and family? Yes.

Have I kicked people on the subway? Yes.

Have I ‘accidentally’ swung my purse in a way so that it made contact with that moron beside me who can’t realize that a crowded bus is NOT a free pass to gropeville? Yes.

Have I thrown a shit fit in nearly any public place you can think of? Yes.

Do I judge absolutely everyone I meet in a matter of minutes after meeting them? Yes.

I realize that I see the world in a very black and white manner. Very few things in my mind fall into a grey area. I know that this is bad in some cases, and don’t go deluding yourself into thinking I escape from my temper tantrums unscathed. My black and white views have gotten me into trouble a few times. Nothing big, cuz I won’t actually ever throw a punch or anything like that (I might be able to beat you in a battle of wits, but I will lose in a physical fight, cuz I’ll just throw myself onto the ground, curl up and start crying……not that effective).

Having such polar opinions on things has cost me at times though. If it bothered me, I would change it, but it doesn’t, so I don’t. I have lost friends due to it. I don’t speak to my mom because of it. I’ve been placed on a few blacklists because of it. I’ve pretty much banned myself from certain venues because of it. I miss out on things because of it.

In short, I am a stubborn ass. This isn’t news to me or anyone who knows me.

Now. Allllll of that pretty much gets checked at the door as far as work is concerned. Because I am not dumb and realize I am not irreplaceable, but rather, a dime a dozen in the great scheme of things, I bite my tongue (mostly) between the hours of 8:30 and 5:00.

Am I a sweet as pie, smiley, giggly happy-go-lucky gal when there? Far from it. But I set myself up for the greatest chance of success while there. Emerald is literally my shield at work. If anybody at work wants to come talk to me to complain about something, they must physically get past her first, due to the placement of our desks. There is a good reason for this (see above). When new people enter the situation, she is very clear to point out to them that she is ‘the face’ (and yes, in that term). If they have questions, they are to speak to her. She will field the question to the appropriate person and get back to them.

She also encourages people to come back to talk to me AFTER 11 AM, for I am a multi-faceted woman, but I am not a morning person. Not. A. Morning. Person.

The general rule at work, so that we don’t have me spewing forth insults all day to clients is, ‘Don’t speak to the Talea. Speak to Emerald, who will speak to Talea for you. Kthanxbai’ (a little lolcat humour for those in the know).

Now, this setup isn’t perfect. It’s biggest downfall is that Emerald is a mobile human being. This means that she leaves her desk from time to time, leaving me open to the questions. The second flaw is that she isn’t actually my bodyguard or rule enforcer. When the shit hits the fan, it gets escalated to me. This usually involves money, a very touchy subject for all. Generally, I want their money. Generally, they don’t want to give it to me. It becomes a power struggle and we both have leverage and we both have a need for the other person to be there, so the dynamic is interesting.

I remain relatively calm during these showdowns. Usually, I am in the right and just have to wait for them to tire themselves out. Sorry dude, you signed the contract, I’ll take your money now, thanks for playing. I’m not pleasant about it, I’m strict and I don’t pussyfoot around the facts. But I’m not a cow about it either.

Until Thursday.

Thursday was a great day until about 4:00. Then. THEN. Then it alllllll fell apart. After months and months of dealing with a particular individual who is just a constant aggravation, I lost it.

It’s a long, complicated and tricky story that won’t be posted here, for the sake of me continuing to receive a paycheque every two weeks. However, suffice it to say that the situation had me very agitated.

I. Lost. My. Shit.

At work.

It was bad. Was it funny? To me it was, but I can still see that it was bad. In my black and white viewpoint, I was right and I had had it. He had crossed the line one too many times and was going to fucking hear about it. No love lost. His argument was completely irrational and entirely infuriating. It was not something that I can get away with. But I did. It was a yelling match, filled with sarcasm from me (which I ALWAYS keep hidden at work when dealing with clients), but I let it fucking fly.

Emerald sat there the whole time, doing that whole, “I’m not paying attention to this awkward argument, oh look, my fingernails are endlessly fascinating!” After the showdown ended, she informed me that she was about two seconds away from turning around and using The Mom Voice. As in, “Talea……………” Her second plan was going to be, “Talea, I love you, but you’re about to lose your job.” Either one would have jolted me back into reality and caused me to shut up. Luckily, it didn’t get to that point.

I won’t go into it further, but I will say that it drove me to drink. Em and I hit up The Red Room here in Toronto and had ourselves a jolly, drunken time. It involved wine, sangria, tons of food, lots of stumbling, a drunken shopping spree in 7-11 where we can’t remember if we actually paid for one item or not, an inappropriate and very loud discussion in the magazine aisle of said convenience store, me kicking out Emerald when she decided to get chatty in the cab while the meter was still running and then me TOTALLY stiffing the cab driver on a tip. In my head, I was giving him a monster tip. When I woke up on Friday (still hammered), I realized I had totally screwed him over but he didn’t argue because it was obvious I was wasted and arguing with drunks is always an unpredictable thing at best.

Emerald came to work on Friday and flung a very phallic shaped bottle in my face and demanded, ‘What the hell is this?’ which only threw me into a fit of laughter since I was still drunk. It was an ‘energy bullet’ drink that seemed like a phenomenal purchase about 8 hours earlier. She had no recollection of it. It was awesome.

Emerald, thank you for being ready to stop me from getting fired and thank you for allowing me to get shit faced on a work night. The last half litre of wine you ordered was totally unnecessary, but probably the best idea you’ve had in a while. I lub you.

Client, you may suck my balls. However, I will give you an iota of credit in my awesome Thursday night debauchery. But from now on, as I told you on Thursday, do not speak to me. I am done dealing with you. You have fallen onto the wrong side of the line, and unfortunately, there ain’t no way back. Thanks for playing.

As for me, I may need to take up yoga or meditation or something. Or drink gallons of ‘calm the fuck down’ tea. But whoever sells it to me better try to screw me over. Maybe the best plan would be to bring Emerald with me. Ahem.


Comments on: "I seem to have misplaced my self control…." (17)

  1. Haaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! That was hilarious.

    I have no idea when I stopped being your standard pukey teenage drunk and just started blacking out after a certain point, but yeah, I think that’s the second time you’ve seen me drunk where I have no recollection the next day. Of course, we’ve known each other for two years, so it’s not like I’m a frequent drunkard. Just a really fucking funny one.

    I do recall the convenience store and that it was funny. I do not at all recall the conversation and have no memory of the cab. Awesome. I’m SO responsible. Especially for showing up to work WAY more drunk than you and now have to worry that I’m going to get a humiliating training video.

    You know who else sucked? That random tech who showed up to not fix my shit. Yeah, he sucks too. I’ll drink to that.

    Oh and I lub you too and all that junk. You’re like, a rad boss and whatever.

    Ha, yeah, if I have to work for a living, I guess you’re an alright minion and junk. Hahaha. I had so much fun dude. So. Much. Fun. And I didn’t even mention our deep and hypothetical health care debate. Which totally cancels out the drunken stupidity, methinks.
    And I think we’re good on the ‘don’t show up drunk’ lecture thing.

  2. HAHAHAHA…I love this story 🙂 , and it’s so amazing that you have a shield at most times (go Em!)…I have no shield and hence my requirement to not lose my shit at work is even more crucial for the entire day…and hence I have to become best friends with vodka from time to time…to time…to time…..mmm vodka…it’s been a while.

    PS: tea helps with rage management, it really does. Good luck with that, but don’t get TOO calm or anything, you have to kick enough ass in the world so you can keep telling us about it 😉

    True true. Plus, I’d spend my whole life in the potty if I drank tons of tea. Nobody wants to read a bathroom blog. At least, nobody I want to know.

  3. I love it but, hope it helped you


  4. I hope you have a backup plan in place in case you and Emerald don’t work at the same place for the rest of your lives together. 😯

    Erm, I don’t really. Or, at all. I just threaten her when she talks of leaving. It’s the second job we’ve had together and we always tell people our resumes come as a package, so I’m just going to pretend I’ll work with her forever and be blissfully ignorant.

  5. Namaste!

    Wikipedia tells me that you are bowing down to me. I am flattered my dear. I also take donations.

  6. HEY I have a great slogan for us..

    sometimes you’re the shield..sometimes you’re the bullet

    ..I have been both. I had to shield everybody before I quit my job. I really have never felt the need to be a doormat under somebody in authorities feet. You may be my boss and you may have requests or issues but you will talk to me in a normal tone voice or you will make me talk to you in the same tone you are addressing me. It’s kind of like being bilingual to me. Screaming is just one of my languages. As far as the bullet ..yeah I can be as good a bullet as a shield. Not really braggin’ just life has made that be a fact. As far as the punches go…yeah I’d have to say I probably wouldn’t throw the first punch anymore. I’ve thrown the first punch in the past..it’s just sometimes the first one isn’t as fun. If there is a first punch thrown by somebody there will be a return one coming from me though. Right now I’m thinking jail time = vacation.
    Word slinging seems to be the way to go now though. Wit battles are a whole lot more fun than punches. YOU could carry your own in a wit battle and come out with the belt! I was in a weekend long wit battle..yeah I know not very mature for my age but I’m kind of proud that at my age I can still keep up.

    and I know we shouldn’t laugh at your post but I LOVE …
    L O V E your rants..you and I could host a friggin

    …now you will have to excuse me it looks like you’ve posted a couple of times and I need to catch up!

    AWESOME slogan junkee! I can be a shield if I want. Someone fucked with my receptionist the other week and I shielded her and then I freaked at the person’s boss. Said person is no longer allowed on the property. Don’t fuck with her! She screens my calls! She’s very important!
    Ha, if I hosted a rantathon, I’d probably get dragged away by the loonie bin officials.

  7. Ok I had to go reread the drunk part cuz that is cracking me up! My late night drunken trips usually involved getting into some kind of altercation at a fast food joint. Getting drunk in Iowa means that you go from bar to fast food joint. We can’t eat because we are drunk but it’s like a requirement or something. I haven’t been like that in awhile other than in my own home which isn’t quite as entertaining because the peeps here will just tune me and my drunk alter ego out. NO FUN!

    My drunk alter ego is the greatest person ever. I never stop laughing when drunk. We were pretty gone, and I woke up with an empty bag of cool ranch doritos on my floor and a pack of sunflower seeds. Who the hell buys sunflower seeds?? Drunks, that’s who.

  8. hey dude..is the the emerald you are talking about..geez introduce us to your sidekick..she sounds like a riot too!!

    She’s here all the time. Go to comment #1, she’s right there!

  9. oooooooohmigawd! You have the best stories!

    I don’t have a shield at work and it sounds like I need an Emerald.

    I have to get up and walk away. Countless times, I get up and walk away from a customer without saying anything. Yep…just get up and walk off. I go back but only after my face isn’t red anymore.

  10. Haha, sweet! I’m so necessary and loved and shit!

    Tee hee. <3. The people, they less than three you!

  11. Wow, your take no shit attitude could really help out with the losers who stiff us on late movie returns at the store I’m working at right now. Been a while since I’ve been drunk at work, since april I think (my boss had been killed, so that one doesn’t count, right?).

    I’d probably get fired, cuz my take no shit attitude might be a wee overboard for late video fees.
    And, well, yes, I think you were unfortunately granted some leeway in that situation. I’m sorry to hear that, Duffboy. 😦

  12. LOL sunflower seeds?? HTH ?? I have a hard time with them when I’m sober. I’d end up choking. You two sound like me and my bff. She and I had our wild times ..back in the day. I want to be young and wild again.
    I N V u!

  13. I wish I had an Emerald too. How far along are we in the cloning process anyway?

  14. I think you two are a wonderful team. I wish I coulda been there. Cool Ranch Doritos ROCK! (with vodka martinis!)

  15. “a drunken shopping spree in 7-11 where we can’t remember if we actually paid for one item or not”

    YOU ARE LIKE BRITTANY! LOL heee-heeeee-heeeeee!

    You and Emerald have an awesome working relationship and friendship- you are lucky to have that. I have the same thing at my work 😉 Makes it better to be at a place if you’ve got a cohort whose on the same wave length.

    As for you being direct, nothing wrong with that. Nobody would ever have to wonder if you were truthful or just blowing sunshine up their assholes….

    I cannot believe you blew at work- kudos girl! I don’t think the guy could wrap his mouth around a set of balls that size! CHICK!

  16. Loved the story … can relate to a lot of what you say. I too have got a major mouth that just wont shut up and I definitely must always have the last word.

    Yeah … at times it has been to my detriment!

  17. RaiulBaztepo said:

    Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource!
    PS: Sorry for my bad english, I’v just started to learn this language 😉
    See you!
    Your, Raiul Baztepo

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