Okay, so here’s my trip update, as I’m sure you’re all dying to hear. It’s in point form, cuz I’m lazy.
- First off, I’m disappointed in the lack of Texas here. Nobody has said yee-haw. I have yet to see a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, antlers on the front of someone’s truck or a shirt saying, “I ate 96 oz’s of steak at ____ bar and got this t-shirt’
- I love twang. The twangy accent works for me.
- I get American fatness. Their bags of chips are bigger, their chocolate bars are bigger, finding diet pop is impossible, their milk cream is creamier, everything is fried and the portions are gigantic. Also, food is stupidly cheap, making it easy to gorge. I’m pretty sure I’ve put on weight in 3 days here.
- I have been dubbed ‘Canada’. People here are fascinated with me and the fact that I live up there. However, the ignorance of Americans never fails to astonish, anger and offend me (present company excluded……….maybe). I have answered ‘where’s Toronto again?’ so many times I can’t even tell you. We have one major city. It’s in the middle of the fucking country. How hard is it to know where it is? I think I’ve figured it out. American geography lessons must go like this: They look at a globe or a map. There is one chunk of land, called ‘USA’ and then, fucktons of ocean. That’s it. That’s all they know, it’s all they see. I had one chick here argue with me that Saskatchewan was in New York. When I told her she’s a moron, she argued with me and then said, ‘Well, it’s obviously a native AMERICAN word’. Yeah. Cuz those native americans really respected the boundary between USA and Canada before the two countries existed and we surely could not have had any native americans in Canada. Plus, it’s SASKATCHEWAN you retard. Like there’s two of them. Bitch, please.
- I have a surprise for you all. I want to tell you so bad, but I took a picture of it and don’t have my cable here to upload it, so I’m going to wait til I get home to tell you and show you.
- My training here is stupid. Mostly because it goes like this: “Blah blah blah, this form…….oh, it doesn’t apply to Canada…….blah blah blah this process, though I don’t think Canada does it this way……….yada yada yada follow this procedure, but it doesn’t work like that in Canada.” Wow. Glad I came.
- Everybody here is shockingly nice. Seriously. Not stereotypically rude in any way, shape or form. It is a very pleasant surprise.
- I got to go to VICTORIA’S SECRET for the very first time in my life. OH MY GOD. I was in Heaven. We told the manager we don’t have them in Canada and that we’d never been and intended to spend a lot of money. She quickly became our best friend. We spent an hour and a half there. I spent waaaaaaaaaaaay too much. But, I don’t care. I have been waiting, wishing, hoping, needing to go to Victoria’s Secret for 25 years and goddammit, I was going to buy whatever I wanted! We’re talking a few hundred bucks here. Like, a lot. And I couldn’t be more pleased. I have popped my Victoria’s Secret cherry and it was a damn good time. If you’re in Dallas, go to the Galleria Mall and tell Dee the Manager that the Canadian girls sent you. She’ll look after ya.
- I sudden want to start saying y’all. And fixin’. Fantastic.
- The hotel room is N I C E. This place is sweet.
I think that’s all I want to say about it now. I’m exhausted and not quite sure what time it is (who knew Dallas was in a different time zone? Not me), so I’m now going to sleep.