I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

So I went to Texas, I came back, and life carries on.

Winter appears to now be official. We all know how much I love winter. As in, every year I wonder why the hell I still live in this cold damned country. The older I get, the less I can handle this shit.

Though I’m trying to deny it’s existence, I know winter is here.

I have stopped wearing my work shoes to work. Because walking on the ice in heels is dumb. And cold. My shoes now live at work, and my hardcore winter boots get me to and from work.

It now takes me 5 minutes to get dressed to go outside. By the time I’m on the last layer and then finally, the toque, I’m sweating like a monster. Of course, this sweat freezes the second I make it outside, causing me to curse.

I continue to curse at the icy sidewalks and the bastards who don’t shovel them, you know, until my bloody jaw freezes. When it gets really cold, I cannot speak. I sound like a total drunk, slurring my words and not able to control my face.

I know winter is here because I can no longer shower in the mornings. If I do, when I go outside, my hair freezes into semi-permanent dreads. Little chunks of ice hanging from my head. This is not cool, so during the winter, I shower at night.

I have seen my first ice-slip victim. She slipped this evening coming out of a corner store. I laughed at her. Then I wanted to cry, cuz I knew that the first slip and fall is the true signal of winter’s arrival.

I’m unable to go out without a scarf and a toque and I’m seriously wondering where the hell my gloves are.

Christmas shit is up. Lights are on the houses and everything is green and red.

The Christmas drinks are here at Second Cup and Starbucks. This is the only good thing about winter if you ask me.

I’ve started to freak out about Christmas gifts. I’m the worst gift-buyer in the world, the whole season is very stressful to me.

And by the way, after last year’s drama over choosing whether or not to go home for Christmas, I made the decision early this year. I’m not going. I have finally learned from 8 years of going back home and hating my decision once I get there. This time, I’m just not going to go and I’m going to spend Christmas with those who I love. Not to say that I don’t love my family, cuz that is not the case. However, my immediate family and I are on permanently shaky ground and my friends are a much bigger part of my life and I would rather spend the time with them this year.

I still don’t have my ice-legs back yet. This is proving to be a problem and I hope to recover them quickly. For those of you not living above the 49th parallel or directly underneath, you may not know what ice-legs are. Well. They are what you must use in order to walk in the winter. You need to learn how to tighten up your legs and ass in a way so that you don’t slip when transferring weight from one foot to the other. It’s very tricky. The first few times you need to pull the walk back out, you’ll feel it the next morning. However, if you walk unabashedly like you normally would, you will find your ass on the cold cold ground quicker than you can say, ‘I fucking hate you winter!’ It involves a lot of fine hamstring finesse, I find.

Half of my wardrobe is now useless. I will not see my arms for the next five months because I will only be wearing long-sleeved sweaters from now until May. Goodbye elbows. See you next year.

I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through this winter. I suspect with the aid of alcohol and by not looking or going outside. And, not to be underestimated, by laughing at those who fall on their asses when I do have to go out. Noobs.

If you’re Canadian, don’t even try to tell me you haven’t found a sweet spot and watched people turf it for a few minutes. Cuz you’re lying to me. And yes, after months of cabin fever, it really IS that funny.


Comments on: "Winter?! I can’t hear you, la la la." (14)

  1. You’re super bad in my book. I can’t stand the cold at all. Hate it, hate it, hate it! And I don’t mind tellin’ ya. ๐Ÿ˜› Have you considered moving south with Emerald? Just checkin’. ๐Ÿ˜‰ You would think with that much ice around for that long someone would have invented some no slip shoes/boots with little metal teeth on the bottoms. ๐Ÿ˜•

  2. mUAH-ha! ha! ha! The video- LOL!!!! That one woman (?) couldn’t get up to save her soul *snort*

    Good luck with your ice legs. Be careful girl! I don’t want to see you on one of these youtube vids ๐Ÿ˜‰

  3. I knew winter was here when I heard myself whining the other day as I was de-icing the car, “It’s too damn cold to LIIIIVE!” I hate winter.

  4. LOL. People falling is just so unnatural and funny looking. I’m usually the first one to laugh but then I rush over to see if they are okay. Did you see that one person who just walked right by the one who fell and didn’t even offer to help or see if she was okay. People are funny. And weird.

  5. You know I share your feelings on this season. Once I’ve gone skating and sledding and built a snowman and Christmas is over I have no use for this. Though this year will be nicer than past winters because of my snow guy. I will make weekly pie and keep the hot chocolate coming, and once this wee one is born, I’m all over the hot buttered rum. ๐Ÿ˜›

  6. ok I’m trying to type with tears rolling down my face! That is some funny shit.
    Now let me tell you the difference between people from iowa…..you would see us fall and then do that whole “shit did anybody just see that?” look.

    these guys were all sporting the “I meant to do that” look. The guy with the bike cracked me up and then I thought the dumbass was gonna try and ride it.

    well and the woman who couldn’t get up..I’m sorry but that’s too funny and hearing the guys in the video laughing would make it very hard to watch that and not giggle likea girl.

    It’s demented enough I need to go watch it again. Do you know they guys who made the video? AND DID YOU HELP?

  7. teeni…I thought for sure the guy would hold out his hand and help her up…nope just walked right around her fallen ass.

  8. ‘least you dont have to shave your legs for the next several months…

  9. You say fuck a lot. I like that.

  10. Come live in Australia! Perth to be specific ๐Ÿ™‚ Coldest we get during the day is about 57 degrees fahrenheit. Though it does get up to 107 in summer.

    Lucky I met some Canadians on my honeymoon or else I wouldn’t know wha the hell a toque is! We call it a beanie. ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. For a split second I was praying the women with the baby carriage would wipe out. Congratulations: you’ve made me a marginally worse person.

  12. OMG that video is funny NOW. No month(s) of cabin fever necessary. It’s hilarious because we have ALL BEEN that poor slob slippin’ on the ice.

    Winter sux, yes, and it’s dangerous and life-threatening, yes, but who doesn’t love that squeech squeech sound that the snow makes underfoot when it’s really really cold?!?

    God bless the hats and the boots.

  13. I’m all about the summer right now!

  14. I can’t believe anyone knows about ice legs! I do the same thing, and thought that no one else knew about that! And when I went to college, it was funny to watch the people who weren’t from any place with snow biff on the ice daily. ๐Ÿ™‚

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