I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

The creativeness and ingenuity of mankind is astonishing. Truly, it is. I myself am not a creative individual, but thankfully many before me have been and they have all invented things that make my life substantially better than it would have been without them.

My bud Thomas Edison is pretty rad. I like electricity, I have no beefs with it. Whoever invented cheesecake is a hero in my books. My cell phone? Is attached to me 24/7, I couldn’t live without it.

I’ve never invented a single thing. I’ve come up with ingenious ways of making things work for me (ask me about that time when my car door froze OPEN and I had to try and drive like that……it was a standard car too, so I needed both arms, one for steering, one for shifting. Oh, that was fun), but so far as coming up with something new? Not my thing. Even making a new template for a spreadsheet is very daunting to me. What if there’s a better way to do this? What if I’m not doing it right? What if I should have it flipped around? Gah! Ah! Bah! Why isn’t there a template for this already, dammit?!

I know I shouldn’t invent things. Mostly cuz I can’t, but also cuz whatever I’d invent would only probably suck. I stay out of that game.

Some people though? They didn’t stay out of the game. They jumped in headfirst without abandon. And frankly, they shouldn’t have.

Let me introduce you to two gentlemen: Daisuke Inoue and Roberto del Rosario.

Don’t know who they are? Neither did I until about 10 minutes ago.

You see, 10 minutes ago, I snapped. I declared war on the person who was responsible for the invention of machine currently making my life miserable. Normally, that’s Bill Gates (fuck you Bill! Have you ever even TRIED to use one of your piece of shit operating systems? Ugh! Ugh I say!), but today it is an honour shared by Mr. Inoue and Mr. Rosario. I looked them up and have now declared war on them!

I have been listening, for 5 hours and 53 minutes, to my increasingly drunk upstairs neighbours and their increasingly drunk friends sing karaoke.

I can hear every word. I can hear every synthetic beat. I can hear the off key screeches, the stumbled words, the off-beat singing, the faked emotions, I can almost see in my head their bending knees and raised eyebrows while they reach towards the screen showing them their lyrics, as they try to convey how deeply this 1983 love ballad touches them.

So what do those two guys have to do with my upstairs neighbours? Mr. Inoue apparently invented the karaoke machine back in the day in Japan. We all know it as a Japanese invention, right? Right. BUT, Mr. Inoue forgot to patent it. Whoops. So in swooped Mr. Rosario, with his totally stolen idea, but with the brilliance to stand in line at the patent office and fill out the paperwork. He’s from the Philippines apparently. So are my upstairs neighbours. Maybe they’re paying homage to him instead of baby Jesus tonight, who knows.

All I know is that this invention should never have been made. Or at the very least, not allowed out of bars/pubs/clubs/strange Tokyo hotels.

They are currently butchering Aerosmith. Aerosmith! Don’t fuck with that stuff! That stuff is GOLD, oh please, leave my poor Steven Tyler alone, I beg of you! Earlier, they destroyed Hotel California by the Eagles AND Hey Jude by the Beatles. Horrific. Blasphemy. Projectile Vomit-Inducing.

Who thought it would be a good idea to package these machines up and make them available to people so they could rock out in their living rooms when they wanted?? Was turning up MTV and bouncing around like a fool not good enough? Singing in the showering just wasn’t working for a lot of people? I know who. Mr. Inoue and Mr. Rosario. Well boys, welcome to the TOP of my shit list. You invented karaoke. Prepare to die.

And why can’t they turn it DOWN???? They’ve been singing for 6 hours!!! Hasn’t it gotten old yet? Haven’t they run out of songs? Booze? Enthusiasm? Will to live?? Doesn’t that fucking machine come with a self destruct setting? Shouldn’t it know to implode on itself if it’s been in use for too long? It should know that the neighbours are about to snap and the singers themselves should give it a bloody rest and it should just sacrifice itself in order to prevent me from going all homicidal.  Where’s THAT invention?? Huh?!?

They are damn lucky it’s Christmas. It’s the only reason I’m not up there right now threatening them with violence and cursing their electrical sockets!

I require alcohol. Stat. If I can get drunk enough, I won’t mind the castrated cats singing above me. Or, if I do still mind, I won’t be able to stumble up the stairs to go yell at/decapitate them.

Where’s my Baileys??!?!

Merry Christmas!!!

Next on the stupid invention list? Those fucking shoes for kids with the wheels in the heel. Srsly.

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Comments on: "Worst. Invention. Ever. OR…..Please, for the love of all things holy……unplug the machine!!" (11)

  1. Poor Talea. Good luck with your drunken pacifistic movement to save your sanity. 😉

    I’m always sacrificing my liver for the safety of others. Sigh. I’m such a martyr.

  2. Oh, dang girl- this sounds bad. You should wait until they leave, break in and smash the thing to bits…. *wink* That might send a message?

    Hope you had a good Christmas anyway! xoxox
    I totally should. Or leave an anonymous threatening note. That’s more passive, more my style.

  3. could you have found the breaker box? Had they been on a new mission to figure out why the electricity was off maybe they would have called it a night. ?

    oh.hell.no…see that’s why I had to move out of an apartment cuz I was seriously going to mangle some dumbass.

    so how is it today? Will this be a toy they only get out on special occassions or will they drag it out every weekend? cuz if that’s the case they’d be losing it.

    They seem to have grown tired of their new toy rather quickly. Thank goodness.

  4. btw did I mention how much I missed your posts???? Cuz I love them! I’m so glad that at least one person in the world gets as upset at that dumbass shit as I do!

  5. Alcohol. STAT. LOL!!!

    Great to have you back Talea!

    I make my living off of Mr. Gates and his confounded Operating System, so reserving comment on that.

    On karaoke I TOTALLY agree with you. Worst. THING. EVER. In your situation my boiling and not-yet-drunkened brain would be imagining this.

    Oh wait, I found something stupider! Please don’t do this at your wedding!

    Happy New Year!

    It’s just a terrible and ridiculous invention. Ugh. I hate it. It should be outlawed.

  6. Yeah, once you’re as drunk as they are, you might reconsider your hatred for the “dynamic inventor duo”, so watch out!

    Oh no. I can get drunk and do dumb shit, but two things I will never do no matter how inebriated? Dance and sing. No no no.

  7. Who on earth would have one of those things in an apartment? You’d have to be the most solipsistic douchebag on the planet.

    Yeah! Agreed! Totally solipsistic.

    I have no idea what that means.

  8. I sang Karaoke.

    ONCE.

    Unsurprisingly, it was in a trailor park. And the booze in my system would have killed a girl forty pounds lighter. The last thing I could recall was three cans of beer and a couple of swigs of tequila. Before that I think it was a bottle each of cosmo, daiquiri and broken down golf cart. The 750 mL bottles. Possibly some wine? Yes, a white or rose, I believe.

    Anyways, all I recall was that it was Madonna and it was terrible. But there wasn’t much anyone under the age of 20 (or 40, really) could recognize out of that book of ‘options’, so I guess it was alright. That and being made fun of for making out with a guy named ‘Badgley’.

    Pffft. Whatever.

    Frankly, you’re lucky you made it out alive. Hahaha, that’s the most awesome white trash story ever.

  9. wow, this totally sucks, but thanks for sharing the history behind the karaoke machine; I found it informative and disturbing all at once (damn that Mr. Rosario!)…and please, PLEASE don’t tell me they ruined “Cryin'” by Aerosmith…I mean I’ve ruined it before myself, but in the safety of my car so that was okay..

    PS: I am SO intimidated by kids with the wheels on their shoes!!! (does that make me weak?….)

    I try to educate and inform, Romi. Ha. Yeah right.
    And I dont remember what Aerosmith song they destroyed, but it wasn’t Cryin’, so you’re okay.

    And yes, that makes you weak. What should happen is that it should invoke an almost insane urge to trip them, not cause you to cringe in fear. Sigh. Romi. We have to work on you.

  10. OMG I think I would have to kill my neighbors! You are sooo right Karoke belongs at the bar and should stay there. If you want to maje an ass of yourself you should NOT annoy your neighbors while doing it!

    BTW great blog I left you and award here stop by and pick it up!

    Emily
    Blah-Zay
    Mama and Hustler???
    My Mommy Chronicles

    Awwww, thanks Emily! Welcome to my corner of the blogosphere!

  11. I will have to agree with you on this one. I always thought Karaoke was sent straight from hell so thanks for the information. It should seriously be illegal to use those machines outside of clubs and bars.

    And the kids with those effin’ shoes? I want to throw a stick out and trip them. Did you ever see the Friends episode where Chandler had to come up with a slogan for the shoes??

    “Hey kids! Roll your way to childhood obesity!”

    LMAO. Sent straight from hell?? Not quite, just the Philippines. Or Japan. Depends on what angle of the argument you want to take.
    I hate those damn shoes!! I totally want to trip them.

    In my day, I had to WALK when I walked! And best slogan EVER. Though I hate Friends.

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