I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

The TTC. Toronto Transit Commission. I spend a good chunk of my life on the TTC. Aboard the subway, the streetcars and yes, sometimes even the buses (though I try to avoid those). I love the TTC.  It’s the lifeblood of the city.I rarely balk about the TTC. Torontonians make a habit out of badmouthing the system, but I know exactly how good I’ve got it.

For a mere $109 a month, I have people who are willing to take me anywhere, 24/7. Sometimes they even give me attitude! For no extra charge!

I love the subway. It’s found time. I read, I knit, I daydream, I plot. I can’t do that if I was to drive. No traffic underground, my friends, and someone else is worrying about paying attention while driving.

Sure, sometimes I wonder what in God’s name could be keeping the damned streetcar from showing up or why the crazy guy had to sit beside ME, but all in all, I love it. If it’s a snowstorm, I don’t care. I don’t have to worry about traffic,  slipping to and fro on black ice, I don’t have to scrape ice off my car or promise it things I can’t deliver in exchange for it to just turn on.

All in all, I love the TTC and it loves me.



There’s this thing, you see. This TTC thing…..that I can’t accept. It’s common knowledge among commuters, though it is never spoken out loud. Never. It is a deep dark secret and I thought about it the other day and thought, ‘Well shit! That could be a funny blog post!’

So in the spirit of my never ending search for blog posts, I’m heaving the secret out into the light, so that I can then write funny things about it.

Folks, the TTC has the Worst. Bathrooms. EVER.

I have been known to say on many occasions that I would rather pee myself than use a TTC washroom.  And I mean it. I really do mean it….I would rather pee my pants than use a TTC washroom. In almost 9 years, I have broken down 3 times. That is amazing for a girl with a bladder as teeny tiny as mine.  So on those three occasions, I really WAS about to pee myself.

Picture the most disgusting, decrepid, unloved, slimy, dirty, grimy, bacteria-infested shithole that you can. Then put weird non-reflective mirrors, broken doors and clogged floor drains and the occassional hobo. Now multiply that grossness by 60. You’re almost there. Ever seen the original Saw movie? You know the bathroom/room that it takes place in? That place is the freaking Taj Mahal in comparison.

Seriously classy digs in comparison.

Don’t believe me?

Yeah. They know what I’m talking about.

And they even know what I mean about the weird non-reflective mirrors!

Here’s the thing I don’t get. Every single other establishment in this city manages to keep their washrooms relatively clean. Some almost don’t make it, but NONE come close to the filth and vomit-inducing aroma that the TTC manages to pull off.

I’ve worked in gross places before. Seriously. At the wastewater treatment plant. Where the poo goes AFTER you flush. And we kept it clean. I dont know why it’s so difficult to employ a few people and have them clean the washrooms every hour or so. Restaurants do it, airports do it, bloody Tim Horton’s manages to pull it off. There’s very few stations that even HAVE washrooms in them. It shouldn’t be that fucking difficult.

Bleach, meet bathroom. Bathroom, be prepared to have yourself bleached to death. Mop, meet floor. Floor, you are about to become unstickyfied and we might even determine your original colour. Scrubbling Bubbles, do your thang. Get Mr. Clean up in that joint, yo. Haha, sometimes I like to talk like a gangster from the 90s. I think it’s funny.

Anyhow. This post is pointless, other than letting you know they’re disgusting and you should avoid them at all costs. I’d probably rather lick the ground outside of Union Station……home to discarded street meat, pigeon shit and the remnants of the thousands of tourists and commuters who walk there each and every day. Mmmmm, Union Station sidewalk.

If you MUST use these washrooms, for the love of sweet baby Jebus……squat. Do NOT sit down. Do NOT touch ANYTHING. You will be much cleaner if you don’t wash your hands than if you do. Chances are, you won’t pee on yourself when you do your thing. But chances are, if you touch the taps to wash your hands, a wholllllllle bunch of other people essentially will pee on you. Because they don’t wipe down the taps. And the people who do use those washrooms? They probably do urinate on themselves. I’m just warning you.

Yeah. So my next post will be less gross, I promise.

And P to the S………in the spirit of balancing out the gross-ass TTC bathrooms, you must check out the bathrooms at The Keg on York Street, in downtown Toronto. Now THOSE are sexy fucking bathrooms. Seriously. I’d move in if I could.


Comments on: "You might want to re-think that coffee before you get on the subway…" (6)

  1. Those aren’t non-reflective mirrors, you are just a vampire, that’s all.

    Best comment EVER. I dont even know how you came up with that Carolyn! That’s hilarious.
    And shush, keep that secret a secret, will ya?

  2. Oh, I would hate that. So basically, you just know to do your business before you take the TTC. Poor thing! Scrubbing Bubbles do your THANG!

    Ick! But, ya cannot beat the price OR the fact that someone drives your ass around – Think of the gas money you save, the car payment and the car insurance? NICE!

    Oh dude, I KNOW. I do NOT NOT NOT miss my car living in downtown Toronto. What a waste of money. And for what? To get stuck in traffic and get cut off by asshole cabbies? No thanks.

  3. OMG, I am so not hungry now. Being on a diet, that’s a good thing. Right? I may never want to eat again…..gaggghhhahhh!!!

    You’re welcome!

  4. Yes, yes, yes! Even while preggers (all three times) and bursting from a seriously squished bladder I have avoided those bathrooms. I’ve used some of them once and at least 10 years ago, because that’s all it takes to see that one should never, ever, ever go in there again. That bit in the Torontoist link about the homeless dude taking a sponge bath in the Eglinton station bathroom, I’ve seen it! Why Eglinton?! Ick.

    Dooooode, when you search Google for ‘ttc bathrooms’ this post is on the first page! 😀

    THAT is amazingly cool! I’m Google popular!
    And why Eglinton indeed? Eglinton doesn’t even have that many hobo’s around. I dont get it. I’ve used those washrooms. Once. Never again. Ew. Ew ew ew ewwwwwwwwww. *Flapping hands in that ew gross way*

  5. that’s one of my phobias…public restrooms and you have just described what I couldn’t even imagine. That’s just gross. Nobody inspects this..to me that would be a health hazzard waiting for an epidemic or something. That’s just nasty 😦
    Can you get one of those girl pee to go cups or something? You know they are in some of those little catalogs that come around. The guys is real handy they just shove it in a hole and pee…if you order the girls it is basically the same unit with an adapter. Then you piss in it and empty it. Anything would be better than what you have described. EWWWWWWWWWEWWW now I need a shower 😦

    It could only turn into an epidemic if people went INTO the washrooms to pick up the germs. But luckily, everyone knows that you just don’t do that.
    And I would SO love to have one of those things! The freedom! Just imagine. You wouldn’t have to worry, just let it flow. Fantastic.

  6. Holy shit T… I can totally picture it in my head. Great post even though I feel like I need a shower and will fear every bathroom I ever go in again. Seriously.

    Don’t worry. I have survived a trip into the TTC washrooms. And since nothing can be dirtier, I guarantee your next public bathroom visit won’t kill you.
    Enjoy your shower.

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