I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter!

I hate you, cold.

I am on Day 9 of the Worst. Cold. Ever.

I’m about to blow my own head off, if this thing doesn’t pack its bags and get the hell out of my body. I don’t get sick. I just don’t. I’m just too great and super for germs to bring me down.

But this one brought me down and I am so totally losing the battle. I went for 3 and a half days with NO voice. Now, I’m not a talker, but even for me this was stretching it. It made everything difficult. I sounded like Joan Rivers after an all night rave, and eating bunches of cigarettes, then chasing them with vodka. Yeah….I sounded THAT good.

The worst part of this cold right now is the incessent coughing. I despise the sound of coughing. If people are coughing on the streetcar or subway, I give them the stinkeye.  The dry hack, the phlegmy whork, the never ending deep-belly almost-gonna-puke cough……send shivers down my spine. Since I never get sick, I always thought, ‘GAWD! Stop it! Could you be asking for any more attention?? Shut up!’

But now I’ve turned into that person who has coughing attacks on public transit and I can’t do anything about it. I pop a Halls, but it doesn’t do anything except make me paranoid that I’m going to choke on it when I cough next time, causing me to die on the fucking streetcar. Because this is Toronto, and honestly, nobody would be helping me if I was choking to death on the streetcar. I wouldn’t be offended, cuz frankly, if it was you choking? I wouldn’t be going near you either. I’m just sayin’.

I try coughing into my elbow, into my shoulder, into my hands. I try to look all, ‘oh, it wasn’t me, I’m just fine’ immediately after I cough, so that people who are now giving me the very deserved stinkeye, won’t be able to figure out if was me or the person beside me who offended them so greatly.

I try to hold the cough in, which only makes me look like I’m afflicted with some sort of mental disorder. My eyes bulge out, I kind of spaz out while I fight with the cough……I look like I’m twitching for no reason. The spiders! The spiders! Get them off of me! Gah!

I’ve been coughing so much and pissing myself off so much in the process that I have even taken Buckley’s cough medicine THREE TIMES.

Yes, the slogan is: ‘It tastes awful, but it works’ so I don’t expect it to taste good. I’ve had it before. But whenever I’ve had it, I’ve been in a house, which had a hallway. This is necessary because when I take Buckley’s, the taste so repels me that I literally run back and forth, trying to get away from it, even though I have already ingested it. I flap my hands up and down in the universal  ‘Eweweweweewwwwwwohmygodgross’ fashion and wait for the taste to pass.

This time I’m in a teeny apartment. Nowhere to run. I downed the Buckley’s and then stared out my kitchen window, frozen with disgust and contemplating if jumping out onto the street would be worth it to end the cold-medicine misery. I decided no, it wouldn’t be. I only live on the second floor and I’d just end up hurting myself more, rather than doing any damage.

DAMMIT I hate being sick. I’m just miserable. Boo. Screw you, cold!

************************************************

In other news, dudes, can you believe I’m getting married? Retarded, right? I’ve never been a wedding kind of girl, but I always had a suspicion that the bride-gene would kick in after I got the ring.

Turns out? I was totally wrong. I’m so anti-bride it isn’t even funny. I’m the one begging the boyfriend to just go down to city hall and skip all this wedding mumbo jumbo. Apparently, I’m not allowed to do that. Pft. Whatevs.

I’ll fill you guys in on my impending nuptials at a later time. I’m concocting a list of shiznat that you will NOT find at my wedding, because most of the stuff that people do at weddings makes me want to hurl.

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Comments on: "I hate you, cold." (9)

  1. It sounds unpleasant and lame but you need to drink more. Not alcohol of course, but drink regular liquids. Drink tons and tons of water… drink even when you think you will explode. You need to run that business out of you and drinking is the best possible way. Punch that cold in the face.

  2. Ah, Talea, my favorite sick person in the whole wide world. 😛 Of course I like you even more when you aren’t sick. I hope are feeling better soon, and that you get the city hall wedding of your dreams. You deserve the very best, which in your case isn’t the greatest, but it’s what you want, and you deserve it. If he insists on having a big hoity-toity wedding, teach him a lesson by having your honeymoon at a local paper store. 😉 You can also get tore up from the floor up with a wicked ass bachelorette party. :mrgreen: Take that, Mr.- Trying-To-Make-Her-Happy-Even-If-It-Doesn’t-Make-Her- Happy. As for the cold??? Eat loads of raw garlic and onions at least three times a day. I don’t think it will help the cold much, but it will keep people at bay, reducing the risk of spreading germs, or reinfecting yourself. 🙂

  3. Man, Mr. Parkour is full of good advice. I hope you get over the cold soon! Haven’t you been sick for, I dunno, like a few years now? That thing is just hanging on. In other news, yeah, it’s totally retarded that you are getting married! Yay for being retarded!!! What’s a paper store?

  4. I thought you said you’ve been “coughing so much and pissing yourself so much”, ’cause like ya, sometimes when I cough really hard I have to go pee…but no, that’s not what you said, ahem.

    Feel better dude, and I’m sure your wedding is gonna be hardcore and not annoying 😉

  5. Oh, man, this is the same germ/virus my guy has had for going-on two weeks! I (knock wood) didn’t get it so I get the pleasure of living with someone who, like you, sounds like he’s hockin’ up a lung every few minutes.
    On advice from “a friend “(no longer a friend thanks to the result) I got him some Mucinex. Holy Mother of Mucus! It made the coughing worse ’cause evidently you want the nasty stuff OUTside not inside! Oh, gross!
    Get better, Talea, for yourself mostly but also for the all the people who must be in close proximity to you! 🙂

    Happy Happy Joy Joy ! Make your wedding into something you can look back on and smile. (and no, not that fangs-bared kinda smile, silly.)
    I have faith that you’ll make the event something to write about!

  6. Ok so Miss Woogs is still sick too and I was freaking out till I read this and see that it’s somehow a longer-than-a-week cold. I am really enjoying her Joe’s Bar voice, but she’s not a happy lady. She’s ok for a while and then she has a coughing fit and remembers that she’s miserable. My poor ladies, I’m sorry you’re both still sick. In other news, this weekend is going to kick ass.

    Also, I am so hyped for this wedding. I don’t give a shit about weddings really, I’m just happy to be a part of it and I am so so so excited about hosting some low fi gatherings in your honor! Woot!

  7. Are you sure you don’t have the flu? It’s taken down my entire city and it lasts for 2 weeks.

    Turns out you DON’T have to be a Bride. I had no dress, cake, reception, tuxedo, party or DJ – we just went and got married at city hall.

  8. Yeah, the coughing… it’s like you do an ab workout without even trying. I bet you won’t go Bride-Zilla on your fiancée ’cause would not be Talea-like. Best of joy for you and the Bf. 😀

  9. rambleicious said:

    Me and Joe and will be heading to the JP when we get around to getting married.

    Also – I hear you on the fire thing – I once exploded a chicken in my oven. Burned chicken is HORRIBLE smelling. If it happens again, I’m burning the kitchen down.

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