The office environment is riddled with inuenda, hidden meaning, reading between the lines and flat out lies. Terms have been created to make things sound much more PC and acceptable in today’s over-litigious world. If we said what we meant, we’d all get our asses sued until next Tuesday. Or whatever that ridiculous saying is.
For all of you lucky bastards who don’t have to work in offices, or even for those of you who do and are just to naive to realize what people are saying to you, please to be allowing me to decode these cryptic office terms. Also, there’s a few wonderful tips on how not to talk to someone who is answering your phone call in here.
- “I’ll have to look into that for you.” = For the love of all things holy, you have asked me the same question 17 times, you are just rearranging the words and I am so over it, you dumb fuck. I don’t know why you don’t understand when I say ‘I don’t know’. I am not Google, I do not spit out answers in 0.17 seconds when you ask me questions. I really want to tell you to go DIAF, but instead I am going to politely cut off this conversation at the knees, hang up and breathe deeply before I sucker punch the next person who walks in the door.
- “I’ll pass that along, thanks!” = You stupid prick. You really let that bother you enough to bring it up to me? Holy shit, I wish I had a life that was so vapid that I could worry about the ridiculous things that you do. I feel sorry for you that you just wasted your time and energy like that. It must be really difficult to go through life getting so worked up about minutae. Oh, and by the way, there is absolutely no way I am passing that along. I will get laughed out of the office if I bring it up. But I’m sure you feel much better now that you’ve let me know that you don’t love the hold music. Carry on.
- “I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I didn’t catch it.” = I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I didn’t catch it. It doesn’t mean I didn’t understand. I don’t want you to launch further into a story when I don’t even know what it’s about. And please, do not get mad at me when I don’t understand your name, especially when you are mumbling and english isn’t your first language. I’m not stupid, you’re just incoherent.
- “Yeah, I totally emailed them to follow up! I can’t believe they haven’t answered me yet!” = Shit. I totally forgot about that. You told me, then I went back to playing bejeweled online. I never once gave it a second thought. But I am totally going to throw the intended email recipient under the bus, so that I can save my own ass. This time, I really WILL send the email. Probably.
- “Sorry, I’m not sure we’re on the same page….” = Nobody in the history of the world has ever been more wrong than you are right now. OMG, you hurt my brain. Let me explain this to you one more time, before I pull out the finger puppets to try and act it out for you.
- “Please advise” – I’ve given you one option in this email. There’s nothing to advise. I’m moving forward whether you like it or not. But I don’t want you to feel like you’re being overruled and backed into a corner. Anyways, nice chat.
- “Let me review the contract and get back to you.” = I know I’m right. You are wrong. You signed for it, sucker. Now I’m going to go dig it out of the file and blockquote the exact condition that you’re arguing. Then, I’ll scan it so you can see your pretty pretty signature right underneath that. That’ll learn ya to disagree with me. I’m also going to forward the email I kept in my archives where I explained that condition explicitly to you and you said, ‘Okay, sounds great!’. You’re gonna feel soooooo dumb.
- “I haven’t forgotten about it. It’s on my list” = Yeah. It’s there. And sliding further and further down it every time you ask me about it. Go ahead, ask me again. I dare you. You have fallen waydown the list, below my bejeweled playing and sorting through my elastic bands to see which ones have become brittle, because you keep bugging me. Stop it. I hate you.
- “Thanks for letting me know, I’ll definitely talk to them about that. Yeah, no, it’s important to know, so thanks!” = Go away, you douche. I’m not yelling at my staff cuz you got all butthurt when they didn’t roll out the red carpet for you. They deal with crap all day and I’m fully aware that they snap ocassionally. But they show up on time and generally manage to complete their tasks, so I’m not about to go berating them on your behalf. But yeah, totally, thanks for the feedback! I can’t wait to use it to improve our efficiency and general operations!
- “Good morning, Office ABC” = Good m0rning, Office ABC. I know where I work. Please, don’t ask me if this is the Canadian Alien Contact Embassy or whateverthehell. When I repeat myself saying, ‘Office ABC’, don’t ask me if I’m sure. I am. Shockingly enough, reciting the phone number you called isn’t going to change that. Also, telling me that your friend Martha gave you the number cuz Jim recommended the place and you’re calling now cuz you’re on your lunch break since you took it early today cuz Janet has to leave at 4? Doesn’t change anything, you have misdialed. It happens. Put on your big boy pants and move on. You’re wasting my time, I have a game of bejeweled to get back to. Some people.
- “Well, see, I can’t do that. Corporate policy. Head office would kill me!” = I don’t really feel like going out of my way for you. I dont see any point in exerting myself more than necessary. So I’m going to pass the buck and blame the faceless ‘corporate’ people. Hate on them, not me please.
- “Regards” = I’m not sincere, I don’t want to say cheers, I don’t want to say thanks, and I am trying to mask my disdain for having to deal with you. I can’t just say, ‘Do this now, bitch’ and then sign my name. I need some type of closing line. So, regards it is. Warm regards means I really hate you but I’m trying to cover it up with syrupy sweetness, which is totally transparent if you know me, but I don’t care.
Now, go forth and spew bullshit! Or at least get unfoundingly offended when you hear one of these terms, cuz now you’re wise to the hidden meanings. You’re welcome.